Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

No disrepect Sadwidow but how is writing a letter going to help?

He could rip it up, deny receiving it, deny reading it - just ignore it entirely. It doesn't protect the little boy from his dad doing a bit of emotional blackmail on him, nor putting out a completely different version of events, nor does it speed up the house sale and the release of OP's equity. Who is going to see this letter, what use does it have when there's no way of even proving that he reads it?

A man who can lie consistently for 14 years, conduct a sexual relationship with someone else and insist his partner and lover have a social relationship with each other, who refuses to move out the family home for his son's sake and so on ... is someone who I would not put anything past. He's already called her a 'liar' in front of his parents, completely denied the 'bedroom incident and called her deranged and so on in text messages.

This is the sort of man the OP is dealing with.

The man is clearly not going to go so why should Binders live in day to day misery? This is not a battle worth locking horns for the sake of 'why should you move'.

Someone has to and the longer they are under the same roof the more damaging its going to be for Binders and here boy. Yes there's not really been any nastiness to date but the longer they are under the same roof the more likely there will be nastiness in spades.

This bloke is more than your average kind of cheat.

Sadly leaving the marital home cost me custody of the DCs. So I have the added rent to pay as well as child maintenance. Criteria for court to determine custody seems to be where the children grew up. Not who slept around.

I'm going to repeat myself, but be less subtle this time. Do you have any MALE relatives who can come round and tell him to fuck off out of the house?

I know I'm going to get flamed for that, being horribly sexist and all, but this man seems to have some brass neck and I doubt three women are going to intimidate him into leaving.

I know I sound a bit eastenders, but I know that's what I'd do in this situation. I'm not saying threaten violence or anything of the sort, but just to have a word and tell him it will be better in the long run if he leaves like a decent human being.

So sorry mum2mum

Agree with WorzelsCornyBrows. Worth the fight!

mum2mum I'm sorry that has happened to you

No disrepect Sadwidow but how is writing a letter going to help?

Because everyone who has broken up with a partner/husband advises that written correspondence is the only way.

I also agree with the idea of a paper trail. I have audited Councils so many times and when I find a break down in a paper trail I will err on the side of someone who has given me the greatest evidence.

I'll back off now - I have never had to deal with infidelity. (Thank goodness) I am not the best person to advise. I'll support Binders from the Lurking Lodge.

Binders you won't lose us, honest! Hoping and praying you get to stay put tomorrow but as everyone else has said, keep your keys if the worse comes to the worst. None of this is a permanent situation (except losing the f&ckwittage).

Keep marching forward Binders. Much love.

Worzels. No flaming from me. I totally agree with you.

And to the posters still saying move out, move out. How many have you have had a meeting with a lawyer who specialises in family law recently? I have. Moving out is not the advice any lawyer would give and there are real reasons for that!!!!

'Misery' doesn't end when one partner moves out, I'm sorry to say.

It may provide temporary respite, but as hundreds here can testify the misery often comes in the aftermath - with battles over children, property and so on involving family, friends .... that can drag on for months and years.

I completely understand Blinders need to get away from him physically and geographically (I did exactly the same - took the kids, up and left the family home with what I could get into a hired van and moved into a one bed flat) but it is a strategy that has huge risk. I was also unmarried to my long time partner, and I know what a poor position that puts us in legally, despite investing time, money (my ex and I had a business together) and years of our lives into the relationship and home.

This man has the potential to make Blinders life a living hell over the coming months, years even. He's already told her 'you aren't taking my son away from me' and it's more than obvious that this is someone who is going to use every dirty trick in the book to get what he wants. He's shown already what he is capable of, and that's my concern.

Of course I understand why she wants to get away from him - but I'm just trying to flag up the dangers.

I'll shut up now and apologies if I've put a downer on things, but I know from experience how these things can pan out.

'Misery' doesn't end when one partner moves out, I'm sorry to say.

No one said it did. But there has to be better solutions than living under the same roof as this man, any person, who has done what he's done. The atmosphere must be awful. Why inflict it on a young boy?

Moving out is not the advice any lawyer would give and there are real reasons for that!!!!

I imagine its easy for a lawyer to say don't move out whilst sitting at the opposite side of a desk to someone in the most dreadful of situations.

Sadly leaving the marital home cost me custody of the DCs.

Im sorry that happened to you. Was it just the fact you left the marital home that meant you lost your children? Did you leave with them? Or were there other factors taken into consideration.

Binders is taking her son with her.

It isn't just lawyers saying it. There are some mothers who have been caught out by similar situations.

As long as binders knows she can watch out for danger signs. It all depends on how he reacts. Horrible to live in a nasty atmosphere & I can see why she needs to get out for a break, but it could be even worse if he reacts badly.

So what do people suggest?

That she stays put in case he get nasty if she leaves?

What about him getting nasty if she stays? What if he gets drunk one night and causes a rammy?

Its seems to me she's stuffed no matter what she does.

And if you will excuse me for saying so - I think its two women a week die in the Uk because of domestic violence. I would put money on them thinking they would recognise 'the danger signs'

Binders is going to have to move anyway. There is not going to be a fight over the house.

If I were at all worried about my safety I would probably just say I was visiting my sister for two or three weeks and log this somehow with the solicitor (citing the bedroom incident).

I would make it clear that I still viewed the house as my main residence which I would like to sell immediately.

But that is just my personal opinion.

It isn't the house itself that is the issue. The trouble is that the parent occupying the house has an aura of stability.

No a lawyer doesn't have it easy saying that. A (good) lawyers job is to spell out how the law views matters and give you advice based on the law. My lawyer has 20+ years experience in this arena and when I discussed a pretty similar situation, I was unequivocally told one thing.

Do not move the DC's out of their family home. It can actually be viewed as a negative against me.

Family law and especially matters concerning children are very grey areas. What concerns me about this thread is that decisions are being made without RL legal advice. (Apologies if Binders has taken legal advice and I missed that).

I'm just saying. A decision could be made here without a full understanding of the ramifications. Get legal advice. Find out what any possible risks are before taking this step. If you still then want to move out, of course you have every right. But at least you're doing it with your eyes wide open.

I'm afraid I'm another person who thinks moving out is a Very Bad Idea. I have a friend who did that and her cunty ex has positioned himself as primary carer as a result. He's now moving 200 miles away but is angling to take her DS with him, leaving my lovely friend (who can't move) in the position of EOW visits. It's heartbreaking and she's spent 30k on fighting him in court.

I know it's virtually intolerable living with him binders but I think you need to play the long game here. He's going to behave very badly because he's really, really angry that you've disrupted his life. You need to tell your DS I think. He's 8, not a baby and he might be the one who can put pressure on your idiot ex to leave. I'm not saying for a moment that you can or should use him as a tool to manipulate, but telling him that your relationship with his father is over may make him find somewhere else to sleep.

Hello Binders

Well done for not being this morning.

Good luck tomorrow. See you on the new thread.

Getting proper legal advice is very important. Agree that she needs to consider the long term consequences.

Good luck binders.

Wow... Just wow. Definitely jumping head first into Binders Army. The love and support shown by so many people on here has really been lovely to see. It's taken me ages to read through all the posts so forgive me for surfacing over old ground!

Firstly though... WTF. Your DP (D meaning dickhead!!!) keeping the photos on the same premises he lives with you and your DS!? Thank fuck for his stupidity. What silly wanker would do something that incredibly stupid! Then have the cheek to get upset that you've been in his stuff. Whatta grade A cock.

Secondly. How you're managing to keep shit together without ripping either of their heads off and shitting down their necks is beyond me. What an amazing woman you are. No way in hell would I be able to go through what you are with the same attitude and dignity. I would have lost my shit ages ago. I admire how strong you have been, even in your darkest times. Your ds is so lucky to have you as a mother.

For your poor excuse of an ex. Even after being caught with his trousers down he's still trying to emotionally blackmail you and also he's the one involving your ds. I sincerely hope he realises what a goppin hoofwanker (whoever came up with that phrase is genius!) he has been. I cannot believe the front he has. He will do anything to try and make you jealous in the process he's actually making himself look a prized plum.

The OW I bet will not be having an easy time and she doesn't deserve too. Her and your ex can't be 100% sure of what your next action is going to be which IMO gives you the upper hand. He wasn't betting on you telling his parents so I hope every day she is constantly shitting herself wondering whether today is the day her DH finds out about what a wazzock she has been. She will also be living in fear about what is going to happen to the photos you discovered. You hold all the power lovely.
I am so in awe of you and your strength. Your sister sounds a lot like me tbh. My mum always says when she needs the calming voice she will go to my sister, if she needs someone to stand her corner and fight for her she'll come to me. I'm a bit of a nightmare, act first think second usually which has landed me into trouble a few times! I'm so pleased you have a supportive network around you and that you have people you can rely on. I will be following your future posts and will offer you the biggest virtual cuddles I can send you. I'd say good luck but tbh I don't think you need it. Your time to shine is now and this will only change you for the better. Xxx

I am 100% in agreement with Fontella.

Please do not move out.

You need to grow the hide of a rhino, stay put in the house, and keep your DS in his own room, under his own roof.

If you take your DS away he will use this against you. It will be construed as attempted alienation or even attempted abduction, or using DS as a pawn to force him to move out so you can get your hands on the house.

No letter to him explaining where you are going or for how long will make a difference as long as the same letter contains reference to him leaving the house. No matter what pains you go to to try to separate the two issues and emphasise DS's welfare is paramount, it is your word against his that the atmosphere in the house is too awful to handle or that it would have a negative impact on DS.

This is not about holding onto property but about keeping custody of your DS and preventing alienation.

If he makes any attempt to threaten you, or raise a hand to you, call police immediately. You need to log that earlier incident that you reported.

Could your sister move in temporarily, to make ex's life miserable?