Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

Oh no, OP I was honestly going to say I doubt they had stopped sleeping together seeing as one of the photos you think she is in her 30s and you had been together for 14 years. Plus her ridiculous mooning over him.

I would honestly tell her DH. He deserves to know the type of woman he is married to, plus he should get checked out, as should you.

I agree with Offred - you need to tell her DH what is going on.

Repulsive pair of shits using you both like that.

Oh so sorry OP, it must be a terrible shock. Why do people inflict so much hurt like this.

Don't try and fight the crying OP, it might help to just let it out.

Her DH is lovely and she has two small children.

Not meaning to rub salt in the wound but it is highly likely the uncomfortable get togethers were part of their affair tbh - they were getting kicks from it in all likelihood. How clever they were at not being found out etc

Please look after yourself first. It is a shock.

It is funny how we know something is wrong and cannot put a finger on it. No one wants that feeling to be right.

Have something to eat, be kind to yourself and put your energy into making sure you are secure financially etc. and make sure you have friends who will support you.

By all means tell the DH if you have the energy. He will no doubt have repercussions in his own marriage, and it would help him if he knew what was going on.

Anyway, leaving aside her DH, who isn't really important at the moment...what do you want to do now, OP? Have you asked him to leave or what's happening?

Wrt to telling her DH, it's up to you what you want to do, and quite possibly not your immediate priority.

Will you need to go and home and see your OH tonight?

Tell him. She bloody well deserves everything she gets, and so does your H. I'm so sorry OP. Any RL support?

Her dh really, really NEEDS to know - since she has DC and has not been faithful he might want to consider their paternity. If you can't face it then that's understandable. It isn't your responsibility to sort out their mess. Really she should be the one who tells him. If you can and want to then do.

Oh fucking hell binders, I'm so, so sorry. What a vile pair of shits they are. I can't believe they've treated you (and her husband) with such utter contempt. I think I'd be minded to tell him too - you've both been unwillingly complicit in their cruel narcissistic games

for you. Do you have a friend/family member who can come and stay with you for a few days? Can you take some time off work?

How old is/are your DC?

Sorry
Her dh really should know there's no getting around that, is he her children's father for a start?

Oh Binders, I'm really sorry .

My initial thoughts on hearing that he doesn't want the husband to know was "Of course he doesn't. He's bricking it that both marriages will end and he will be stuck with his fuck buddy, trying to make it work. That she will get all gooey eyed, expecting a "proper" relationship. When all he ever wanted was a fun fuck buddy".

Its all got a bit too real. I would brace yourself for more to come. Surround yourself with rl support.

I'm sorry Binders.

Where has this left things for you?

I know you said it's over, have you told him to leave or is he still at your home?

I would tell the DH too, but it's not something you need to think on right now you just need him out of your life.

What a pair of absolute shits

Offred I agree that it MUST be HER that tells him her dirty little secret, not me. I don't know if OH has told her that I know, if he has, she will be shitting herself and no doubt begging him to stop me from ruining her life. I will threa

As for OH, he is begging me to talk to him and saying we can get through it. It never meant anything, it was just sex a few times, he doesn't love her, doesn't even fancy her anymore??? They seem to have this weird mentality that it's not cheating because they are not new partners to each other and slept together many times before settling down, so sleeping with an old sex partner isn't the same at sleeping with someone new altogether!!!!! Has anyone ever heard this kind of excuse?????

He has ALWAYS known that if he wanted to cheat that would be up to him but the moment he did, he was saying goodbye to me. I've told him to pack some clothes and get out and pick the rest of his stuff up at the weekend whilst I am out.

How old are your kids binders? Do you have family nearby?

we can get through it.

we can get through it?

Fucking we??

No, what he means is that you should suffer a shit ton more pain on his behalf so he can keep his life as it was after doing something he isn't sorry for and knew would destroy you.

Fuck him.

He might not love her, but he doesn't seem to know what love means.

Yet another thing that "means nothing".

Sorry, first para ends, I will threaten to tell him if she doesn't - like 'You've got one hour to tell him or I will tell him". (I wouldn't give her an hour). I want to smash her little smug face. My OH's face was lucky to miss the photoframe I threw at his head last night!

He is delusional.

I'm sorry he has treated you so badly and been so self involved.

I think you are doing the right thing with the zero tolerance, not talking to him and booting him out tbh.

It's not just the cheating but that he thinks it was an ok thing to do and the deliberate decision by them to involve you and her husband in their fantasy sex. I can't understand why anyone in their right mind would think someone who would not tolerate cheating would tolerate being involved in said cheating...

Oh op you've done the right thing, it sounds like he's expecting you to roll over and take his shitty behaviour. Look after yourself and definitely make sure her dh knows, I know you don't want to hurt him but it would hurt him more to know that you knee without saying anything if that makes sense? They sound like a pair of selfish twats.

The cheek of him... I think it is abundantly clear to everyone that he didn't think he was doing anything wrong (thanks for clearing that up twatface), but it should become increasingly clear to him now that that is the main reason why you could never consider 'getting through it' with him - he's that kind of man, a man who does something like this because he thinks it is fine.

Binders I am so sorry to hear this.

A word of warning, I think you should be in the house when he leaves, so that he doesn't take anything he shouldn't.

I would also hold on to the photos - you never know when you might need them.

Are you financially secure?

I'm also for telling her DH - and funnily I wouldn't normally, but to have put you both unwittingly through this disgusting charade for years is beyond the pale.

Oh Binders I'm so sorry. I hope her DH does find out.

OMG, he's been bombarding me with texts and just sent one saying "we'll get married" WTF!!!???? I've never been bothered about being married, 14 yrs together is as good as being married to me. Is that another reason why it's been ok to cheat because I'm not his WIFE???

He's losing the plot.

Only bad thing about not being married is that you are not as financially secure. Cohabiting doesn't get you anything except selling the house and splitting the equity - I think that's all I'll get and child maintenance but you don't get a lot for that do you?

I've told him he had better tell her I know.

Huh... he's told me he can't live without me.