Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

I am off-line for the rest of the evening but before signing off, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their support and advice, its really helped. I will see what tomorrow brings! I need to find out properly as I can't let it fester and let it eat away in my mind. Thanks everyone.

So they see each other alone too? Hmm.

Does her OH act as if he knows or seem equally embarrassed by his behaviour?

I wonder if she has told him perhaps part of the truth?

I only say this as I was in a similar situation, although not quite, a long term friend and I, many many years ago had drunkly had a ONS agreed it was a mistake and put it behind us. We carried on being friends and when his DP was pregnant around the same time as me I became friendly with his DP. I had, at this point, told my DP all about the stupid ONS so that he knew and was clear on the situation. I stupidly assumed my friend had done the same thing. Our children became friends, we'd have playdates and lunches together. When they got engaged everything changed I got a horrible message from friends DP calling me every name under the sun, saying I had lied to her all those years. I was understandable hurt but respected that they wanted some distance and dropped all contact.

Could it be possible she has told her DH and assumed your DH had done the same?

Be strong Binders

I would wonder why he's lying about this. Given her playing footsie with him and being all over I would suspect that he likes that attention and so doesn't want to admit to her being an ex because then he'd have to acknowledge her attentions aren't innocent and your worries aren't unfounded.

He may or may not be cheating but he clearly is gaslighting regarding the flirting and footsie so combine this with the lying and you have to wonder why he is willing to put his relationship at risk.

Clearly she doesn't care about hers if the letters/photos go up to her getting married presumably she was doing it while dating and engaged!

I agree with ^^^^^^^^

This thing with his ex is completely inappropriate. Wether it is because he is cheating or not. He has lied, gaslighted and disrespected you by allowing this thing to fawn all over him in front of you he obviously likes his ego being stroked

I think you are doing the right thing by looking again.

When you do confront him, be prepared for him to continue to downplay this, say it's because you are jealous for him to turn it around on you.

YABU at all. They have a secret which you are not in on and she, at least, is getting a kick out of the situation.

I would definitely refuse to participate in one of her little weird-fests again.

And I think you would be quite reasonable to want to keep tabs on any further meetings between them. As other people have said, it's not their previous relationship, it's the lying and the complicity of both lying to you.

Love the sharpie idea btw - it takes the piss and asserts your authority in exactly the right way.

The photos were up to the OP's relationship starting, not the 'friend'.

As I said in my earlier post, I have had flings/fwb/relationships with a number of my male friends - we've known one another since we were teenagers and are now in our late 40s/early 50s. But the difference is that a) their partners/wives all know and b) we don't flirt. It's in the past basically - we've moved on.

How does your DP respond when she's behaving like that? How does her DH respond? The dynamic seems really off.

More than anything though, it's the gaslighting and the 'our little secret' aspect of it that would really concern me.

I've missed something somewhere. I didn't realise she was following him around and playing footsie! That is wildly inappropriate and just plain embarrassing for a grown woman.

x my last post. doesn't matter if she has told her DH or not about the past she's acting inappropriately in front of you and in front of her DH, let alone her supposed friend.

If I were in the situation I would sit down and calmly talk to my DH about the behaviour the letters you found. I say calmly just because he'll be less likely to get one the defensive and more likely to open up. maybe just ask him "why he felt he couldn't tell you and needed to lie?" and then just outline that you feel her behaviour is becoming very inappropriate and she needs to understand where the boundaries are and that it should come from your DH.

not sure if it's good advice but it's just how I feel I would react. after sharpie-ing her face with a moustache

He sounds like a right shit.

I definitely wouldn't do the "A-Ha!" type thing in public with the photos, because for all you know the woman might have told her DH that she and your DP had an on-off relationship, or whatever it was. So then you'd look like a complete dick, as you'd be the only one at the table who hadn't known for the past 14 years - very bad plan.

There is no merit in trying to embarrass her anyway, that just degrades you, tbh.

The only concern you should have is your own OH - why has he seen fit to lie to you for 14 years about her? I mean, I can see that after the first lie, it's easier to keep it going than come clean, but why lie in the first place if there's nothing for you to worry about? That's what you want to be thinking about, not her. She's pretty much irrelevant except as being the subject of the lie.

Hang on, I don't think she was playing footsie - the OP said that she looked to check because she thought they might be, and that they weren't!

I'm confused because it sounds as though you only see them a couple of times a year, which suggests that you are no longer very close as couples?? I thought from your initial post that this was a pair you saw every other week! I do think it changes things. When I'm around old friends I haven't seen for a while and are unlikely to see for a bit (male and female) I generally do pay a bit more attention to them than to their partners. (This may well be my social incompetence - but I want to catch up and see how they are doing!) It would never, ever occur to me that a woman going to the bar with my DH was a sign of an affair - I'd be more likely to think that they were wanting to help carry drinks, tbh.

I think you do have a right to know how often your DH sees her on his own, and what is going on between them. But having a bit of history doesn't mean that there is anything currently 'going on'. You have every right to check with him, though. And to gently roast him for his lies and deceit, because that really, really isn't on and he should have told you and been open.

I'd be out of there, TBH.

14 years of lying to your face and getting his rocks off while another woman he still had a thing with was all over him to an embarrassing extent.

Good morning. You are correct shovetheholly, there was no actual footsie going on it was her ridiculous behaviour that made me look! Yes, I only see them once/twice a year and that's too many times for me as I don't enjoy it. Your post makes sense but it's not as basic as just speaking more to OH and going to the bar with him.

Didn't sleep much through the night as I started to remember little things. Like when she does speak to me, she seems to know personal information about mine and OH's relationship which I don't want/think she should know e.g. she once said to me in her winey sympathetic voice "oh x said that you would like another baby but he doesn't want another" with a slimy smile. I just ignored her and said 'really, that's very strange because it's actually the other way around!' - it wasn't the other way around but what the F has it got to do with her!?

Lynda - how does OH behave? - in all honesty OBLIVIOUS! How does her DH behave - I feel sometimes he looks uncomfortable but he is so lovely and he completely dotes on her.

Anyway, I went back into the loft last night and there's letters from old girlfriends but nothing much more from this woman except one thing. When I met OH, he had recently bought a new sofa that was about 3 months old and one of the photos shows the woman sprawled out in her knickers on said new sofa. So, he either slept with her when we first got together or within the 3 months prior but bearing in mind she was getting married when I first met OH, it means she definitely slept with him when she was due to get married and it also means my OH slept with her knowing she was with someone and due to marry!

I'm starting to get a bit angry now about the whole thing.

She/they clearly have/had no morals so when people talk about not embarrassing her - it really doesn't bother me especially as I don't like her and even less now.

Thumb - I may look a dick for not knowing after 14 years but guess what I know now! BTW I would never speak to her DH about it or cause any hurt to him directly by something I say or do. But.. I do want to retain my dignity.

There may be nothing going on now but the whole thing to me is just seedy and I'm not going to be a part of it anymore. Keep the past in the past where it belongs if that's the case.

Oh I will Odfod thank you - I will!

I have removed all his porno photos of said woman and I now have them as evidence. I've left his other ex gfriends photo's - if they are a proper EX - I don't mind! Not keen, I don't have anything but I don't mind.

He does go into that bag occasionally because there are policies etc in there and he must be able to see the photos everytime he goes in there. Hah, what's he gonna do if/when he realises they are not there, come and ask me if I've seen them?

Oh please come and ask me if I've seen them.

Woah, the sofa thing!! Now that really is much, much more revealing and suspicious. If you're right about the dates (of the sofa and marriage) then that would definitely make me more than a bit suspicious.

I suspect they have an arrangement where they are one another's 'fall back' plan in the event that either of them is single. I agree that this is much more worrying if she has cheated on her OH with him. It doesn't mean he's definitely cheated on you with her, but it does make the relationship with her significantly more inappropriate.

Wow!

binders he may well have forgotten about the photos being in the attic...but the lying and sleeping with this women before she got married is on a whole other level.

If it were me I would just say 'I know about you and her'.

If he outright lies again or tries to gaslight then that is when I would produce the photographs....I would then tare him another ahem...........

He has disrespected you and your DC and needs to take responsibility for his actions.

If you are able to recover from this (only you can be the judge of that) then I would be telling him that his friendship with this women is over....no more cosy dinners, no more meeting her on his own.

No! He won't come to you about the missing photos! Draw one of your own on his old sofa and put it in there. He'll realise that you know then. Like this ---->

You should really talk to him though
sensible head on

Don't miss out on having another kid to stay with this lying shit.

HellKitty I have just spat tea everywhere

I would have to ask him about this. It will eat away at you otherwise. Sorry OP...this woman sounds vile but your H should have told her to sod off behaving like that long ago to be honest-so disrespectful to you.

Hellkitty that's brilliant