Just found out his friend isn't just a friend!

[binders1]

Hi, first time starting a thread so a bit nervous tbh but will try to be brief. Over the years, we have gone out for dinner/lunch maybe once/twice a year with OH’s long term female friend from college days and her DP. Sometimes he meets her by himself. I have no problems with this… until now.

I’ve never warmed to this ‘friend’ but her DH is lovely. Call it woman’s intuition, I always find the occasions a bit…weird. She always has to sit next to OH, she pretty much only speaks to OH even ignoring her DH and if OH goes to the bar, she has to follow him. I spoke to OH about her behaviour and said I found it all a bit inappropriate and embarrassing, particularly for her DH and he said I was being ridiculous. I told him I even looked under the table at one point to see if she was playing footsie with him! I asked if he had ever been out with her and he laughed and said no! I told him it just doesn’t feel right.

The other day I was in the loft and came across a bag of letters etc belonging to OH and he has kept loads of handwritten notes and photo’s of old girlfriends. Then I found several photo’s of a woman in provocative poses and some topless. On one, she is about 18 yrs, another where she looks is in her 20’s and one probably in her 30’s and I saw love letters from when they were younger. The face although ages, is undeniably the face of this woman.

So she's someone OH has been sleeping with on and off for decades and I can’t believe I have been going out and having dinner with her and they sit across from each other with their little secret! I am annoyed he hasn't been honest with me from the beginning that she is an ex and I have no wish to continue having our little unenjoyable get-togethers! AIBU? Sorry, that wasn't brief was it.

I really hope this doesn't come across as too doom and gloom - but what worries me about you moving out is ....

You and son are going to be sharing a room at your sister's house.

Meanwhile your partner has the family home all to himself - so presumably when he has your son it will be there - son has his old room, the run of the place etc, familiar surroundings ... before returning to you in shared room as sister's.

Your ex could easily do a number on him - Mummy is being silly, why don't you stay with Daddy in your old room, then you can see Mummy and she can take you out/move back/she doesn't have room where she is, you'd be better off staying with daddy etc. etc.

As soon as you move out of that house he holds all the aces. You'd have to take legal action to force a sale, he could sit on it, drag it out as long as possible, all the time having son to stay in the family home, maybe even having his fuck buddy over for shags (particularly if her H isn't told what's going on) and generally living the life of Riley, the only difference being you're not there.

Sorry if that sounds overly negative, but he's such an entitled arsehole I honestly wouldn't put anything past him. He's shown what a hard-hearted selfish fucker he is by not bowing to moral pressure, and pressure from his own father, to put his son's wellbeing first and move out himself.

He clearly wants to stay put, and by you moving out he's getting what he wants.

(totally accept others may not see it this way, but just thought I'd mention it as it is something that would bother me. He's such a lying, slippery, thick skinned bastard, I honestly wouldn't put anything past him, including doing a bit of emotional blackmail on a 7 year old).

Binders, you are still doing amazing. You are so strong to have done all this, and he really thought he could get you back in line. You sister is great. Tomorrow you have the support of everyone

I do have the photo's and only me, two friends, rotweiller and OH himself have seen them. Others are aware they exist as that was where this all began.

That's okay binders, but never ever share them digitally or post on social network. They are your evidence and you have NOT broken the law. I just needed to jump in when people were suggesting that you set up a website or send to OW's DH by phone. If you send them digitally to OW's DH then you will be committing an offence that carries a sentence of up to 2 years imprisonment.

So, now that you are understanding the 'Rape Revenge Law', be very careful if OW's DH says "send the photos to me" [entrapment]. Even if someone purporting to be OH's solicitor asks you to 'send the photographic evidence' - do not send them digitally.

Handing over copies or showing copies is okay. BUT NOT DIGITALLY!

Got it? (Phew! I am getting all perplexed for your safety here. I think I had better walk the dog.)

That is what happened to my friend. It was truly awful.

Is he likely to try similar nasty tactics binders?

Meanwhile your partner has the family home all to himself - so presumably when he has your son it will be there - son has his old room, the run of the place etc, familiar surroundings ... before returning to you in shared room as sister's.

Oh god... you're right.

Never mind doing a number on your son. He can be all "binders has nowhere for him to live, if he resides with me he can live in his own home, it will be all familiar for him..."

Then you become the bad parent making him live in someone's spare room.

Shit.

HellKitty - you have outdone yourself! You need to get yourself a gallery, I would more than happily pay!

Absolutely hysterical and wicked sense of humour. Just amazing, absolutely amazing.

Torn, thank you I haven't heard of HR1 form will look into it.

Sadwidow - you are amazing. Who would have thought to make a list,I wouldn't have taken half of that.

Please stop worrying binders unnecessarily.

Other mothers have had to move out with DCs before now and the OH hasn't got custody.

Binders did log via 101 that frightening episode when STBXP leaned over her bed and called her a f*ing evil bitch. That is credit in the bank for Binders.

At the moment, Binders is moving out temporarily for her own sanity - no long term plans at this stage.

This is what happened to my friend.

1. Partner had multiple affairs.
2. Atmosphere in house got unbearable
3. she moved out with dc to tiny rented flat
4. dc split time between parents but started spending more time in familiar home environment
5. Friend wanted joint custody. Ex wanted full custody and applied to courts.
6. Court asked dc where they wanted to live. Chose old home. Visitation rights granted to friend.
7. Visits made difficult / often cancelled / rarely able to see dc.

Agree with saying it is a temporary move until house is sold.

Fontella, I have lots of similar worries but this is only temp. If I move or if I don't, on Monday morning, it will calling the estate agents.

What happens when this thread his page 40? I can't lose you all tomorrow, I need you.

Sorry for all typos starting to panic.

It's not scaring her unnecessarily SadWidwow - it's a genuine concern, as evidenced by what Zetetic has just written regarding her friend.

Moving out 'temporarily with no long term plans' can be precarious at best, and dangerous at worst.

The little boy has no clue what has happened, has no understanding of what Daddy has done wrong. He's going to be sharing a bedroom with his mum in someone else's house, compared to being at home with daddy in his old bedroom and familiar surroundings.

If OP's ex wants to do a number on the child/the authorities/all concerned really, he easily can. Logging a single incident of OP thinking she sensed him leaning over her whilst half asleep uttering some derogatory words (which he has already strenuously denied) after she'd turned up at his parents house and the emotional and volatile scene that ensued there ... is hardly 'credit in the bank' when it comes to his capabilities as a father or anything else.

Just start a new thread with the same title followed by #2. Everyone will find you.

(you can put in a link to old thread)

Sorry sadwidow28 hit the wrong keys!

Hopefully he won't be that much of a bastard.

You just need to sell that house pronto.

I think I would pack his bags for him and just try to stand firm with Rottweiler sis and friends, hopefully he will find a shred of human decency from somewhere and do the right thing. If it comes to it and he still won't budge maybe call fil in the midst of it all and implore him to talk some sense into his prick of a son before DS has to come home to a scene. It will feel a bit like you're using emotional blackmail on fil but needs must if it comes to it. If you tell fil the atmosphere is awful with cockface there but that you're worried about the effect on DS of having to leave his home I don't see how he can argue it's not the right thing to do for OH to go. You would think OH would shrivel up with shame and slink off with his tail between his legs faced with being told to go by you, sis and friends but he sounds such an arsehole you might need fil as a contingency plan. I hate that you're having to do this Binders, he should have just gone in the first place but I honestly think he still thinks he can somehow smooth this over, hopefully Rottweiler sis can put paid to that tomorrow but fil may just tip the balance if not.

ok - no sure how to link it but will give it a go when if it comes to it.

I'm off-line for a bit now but thanks everyone. You are incredible - all of you.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow. XXX

Binders look at the bottom of the thread and it tells you how to link this thread.

As someone said, keep the same title but add on part 2/#2 at the end.

Hopefully he won't be that much of a bastard

Many women have thought the same about their partners unfortunately. He couldn't, he wouldn't ....

In too many cases though - it turns out he could and did.

Fontella does have a good point. I absolutely wouldn't put it past him, I really wouldn't

Perhaps you can see the visit to Rottweiler's house as a trip/holiday? Just for now, to give you some space.

Keep going lovely. We'll all be with you on thread #2, no worries about that

Okay, let's cover that 'temporary' base:

Leave a letter for OH

OH

I am unable to live with you now that I know that your infidelity has transcended our 14 years together (most recently, last Christmas 2014). Although I have asked you to leave the family home to give me space to think, you clearly will not do this. I have therefore decided that I will leave with DS on Saturday 17th October 2015 in order to safeguard him from any emotional harm that may befall him as a result of current estranged circumstances and future separation. Protecting DS is the top of my priorities at this time.

Please note that I am NOT relinquishing my rights to our family home, furnishings and other assets (owned jointly by us). I will retain my keys.

Once you have accepted that our separation is inevitable, I will work with you to agree the best way forward for all of us, in particular DS who does not deserve his world and family torn apart by your infidelity with OW. It is likely that the house will have to be sold if you will not assist me to maintain it for DS until he is 18 yrs old.

This time apart will give you space to consider how you will move forward as a father. Hopefully, you will also put DS at the centre of your decisions.

• toiletries- toothbrush, any special shampoo or conditioner or body wash/soap you use.
• hairbrush
• any medicines for you/Ds
• chargers

Binders:

Copy this link when you start your new thread - but remove the space between [ [

[ [http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2481800-Just-found-out-his-friend-isnt-just-a-friend Binders thread No 1 - friend is not just a friend]]

OP, I don't think you should even consider moving out of your home. Stand your ground and with a little help from your friends put as much moral pressure to bear as is necessary on your bloody-minded exOH to get out. The law isn't much help to you over this but with the obvious exception of the man in question the huge majority of people will absolutely see the justice him p^ing off to the far side of P.

Im afraid that I am with the minority of the poster on here who doesn't think moving out with the DS is the best of routes. I've (unfortunately) had a number of friends go through similar situations and without fail their lawyers have told them to unequivocally STAY PUT with their DC's.
The absolute focus of of any split involving DC's is the children. And providing the DC's with stability and normality. Moving out from the family home with the DC (I think) is not a great move.

Yes the ex here has been an awful person. But in the eyes of courts (if it was ever to get there), my understanding is that his behaviour would have no bearing on the question of residence or access. Because there is no risk of 'harm' (as such) to the DC.

In fact moving out with the DC and creating this upheaval in his life could actually count against Binders.

I've read the thread and cannot remember is legal advice has been taken. I wouldn't move anywhere without getting that and being very clear on possible outcomes if you were to move out.