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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé revealed something the other day...

354 replies

Serenstar83 · 23/07/2015 20:27

Hi, I really need some advice.

I've been with my partner for 4 months and we recently got engaged. It's quick, but we feel more for each other than we ever have for anyone else and just feels 'right'.

He makes me laugh, feel safe, wanted, loved, I have three children that he is great with and he is just generally a lovely guy...perfect for me I would say.

However. The other day we were chatting about something, and he revealed that years ago he had been paid to beat people up! He was very vague and refuses to discuss it in any more detail, saying it was the past and none of my business, but obviously I feel very uncomfortable with this...he can't understand why, saying everyone else he has mentioned it to has seen his point of view "eventually" - that it was just a job to him and "premeditated, I'd never go out and beat someone up after going out on the lash or anything".

He also today revealed that "I wake up angry and go to bed angry, during the day is hard work but I can control it".
I've seen a few hints of possible...mental illness maybe...? - he gets very visibly anxious sometimes; scratching his head or arms (not hard) and seems visibly worked up, but it passes fairly quickly especially if I mention it. The other day he went shopping for me and couldn't find the cheese I had asked for, came back and said he had almost burst into tears over not being able to find this cheese. He said it's very out of character for him and his head feels 'muddled' at the moment.

On occasion he seems different, a kind of cold look in his eye and he has said that people have mentioned this before. He also said that an ex paid for private counselling for him once but it didn't help at all.

What worries me is earlier I asked if he would see his GP and try to get referred to the local mental health team to get checked over if I asked him to and he said that no, he never would as he doesn't see the need. He is "fine and able to control it" and he doesn't see the point in getting checked out, even if I feel very uncomfortable with him not getting checked over.

We were sort of arguing when this last bit was brought up so maybe he might be more willing to try and see a doctor at another time, but I am really worried about this past beating people up thing, and the fact he says he gets angry when he wakes up and goes to sleep. He says he has past issues that he thinks has caused this but I know he would never hurt me or my children at all.

I feel so happy with him, and I do trust him, feel safe, all of that. But am I right to be concerned about his past or should I just get over it and move on?

OP posts:
andthenagain · 23/07/2015 20:29

emm Run like the wind--do not marry this man

cozietoesie · 23/07/2015 20:30

Just how do you know? I'd split fast while it's still safe for you to do so.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/07/2015 20:31

Why do you trust him when you have all the evidence that contradicts this?

What is preventing you from being able to protect yourself from entering a relationship with a man like this?

You need to get out. You are not safe.

fuzzywuzzy · 23/07/2015 20:31

"I wake up angry and go to bed angry, during the day is hard work but I can control it".

Run OP run like the wind.

The old MN adage when a man tells you what he is like, listen, never was more urgently needed than here.

Runnnnnnn

mrsmeerkat · 23/07/2015 20:32

Four months... come on. I mean this gently - you are getting big warning signals

Nolim · 23/07/2015 20:32

Big red flags

mrsdavidbowie · 23/07/2015 20:33

You're mad

learntoloveagain · 23/07/2015 20:34

Definite alarm bells going off here. You are with an angry violent man. You are just getting to know him. Time to leave, quick.

I started seeing a man and while chatting I said, do you ever go to the pub in the evenings? He said no, I would kill someone. I never saw him again and see myself as having a lucky escape.

Hassled · 23/07/2015 20:34

Four months in - you hardly know the man. He needs some help, but if he won't seek it or take it then you're signing yourselves and your DC up to years with an anxious, angry man with a history of violence. Is that really what you want? Please think long and hard about this.

Wideopenspace · 23/07/2015 20:34

He's being relatively open with you OP - if you carry on, he has grounds to say 'well, I told you I was like that' - you sound completely head over heels 4 months in, so I would worry that extracting yourself and your children after longer is going to be very, very hard for you.

Original poster
Serenstar83 · 23/07/2015 20:35

:( I've had abusive relationships in the last and this one feels different. In every other way it's perfect - he does so much for me that no one else ever has.

I guess the anger thing might have been a symptom of depression or anxiety (I have anxiety but am on anti depressants so it's largely controlled) more than anything else...?

OP posts:
SanityClause · 23/07/2015 20:35

So, the "I used to best people up" but came out at the end of your argument? Sounds like a threat to me.

AdoraBell · 23/07/2015 20:36

I wouldn't let someone like you describe anywhere near my children. He is dangerous. Maybe not today, but there will come a time when he can no longer control himself. Don't let that day be when he is dealing with your children.

basgetti · 23/07/2015 20:36

You've invited a man into your children's lives within weeks of knowing him and it turns out he is a violent criminal with anger issues. Don't become one of those selfish women who puts her love life over her children's safety and stability.

Destinysdaughter · 23/07/2015 20:37

PLEASE DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!!! He was paid to beat people up??? In what universe is this ok? I don't know how old you are but this is a really really bad sign. You can't marry this man. Wanting to marry you after only 4 months is also a huge warning sign. You just don't know someone well enough yet to know if you want to spend the rest of your life with him and it's also something abusers do to get you trapped before you realise what they are really like. Eventually his anger will be turned against you and your children. He's telling you who he is, LISTEN!!!!

silverglitterpisser · 23/07/2015 20:37

Jesus, OP, how many red flags do u need? If this is what he is open about, what is he not telling u?

Run.

Finallyonboard · 23/07/2015 20:38

After 4 months you can't 'know he won't hurt you or the children'. You're being foolish by convincing yourself that you're in love and nothing else matters.

Original poster
Serenstar83 · 23/07/2015 20:38

Sorry I forgot to say, he works in the security industry (was a close protection bodyguard within the music industry a few years back and now does door work etc)...and has always been CRB'd, in fact me and him have both been DBS'd this year as we volunteer for a local charity and I've seen his, it's completely clear.

He used to do martial arts so that's how he says he was called on to do whatever it is he did...because he knew what to do, so to speak.

OP posts:
callamia · 23/07/2015 20:38

Premeditated aggression is the very worst. It's psychopathic, and very worrying. Coupled with him telling you that he feels angry all if the time, this is enormously worrying. Really.

I'm not trying to be sensationalist or hysterical, but everything in your post tells me there's trouble if you stay with this man.

defineme · 23/07/2015 20:38

Honestly, if a friend told you this about their fiancée, what would you say? You'd say why would you be thinking of marrying a criminal? It's all very well rushing into a relationship, but you're not just committing yourself to this, you're committing your 3 precious children to a man who has a criminal past and anger management problems. 4 months into a relationship is early to be introducing kids to a new man, let alone getting engaged.
Is there a reason why you are desperate to commit?
If you were my friend i would be telling you to get rid.

SanityClause · 23/07/2015 20:38
Fiancé revealed something the other day...
sesamechoc · 23/07/2015 20:39

Make sure your kids are safe and somewhere else when you tell him, make sure when you tell him in your home that someone else is there, and then tell him without giving reasons that you wish to end the relationship. You can say it's about where you are in your life and you think you got a bit carried away but you're not in a position to be in a relationship this is likely to keep you safe but Do Not Spend A Minute Longer with him

learntoloveagain · 23/07/2015 20:39

You're engaged to a violent man you have known four months and he is 'great' with your children?

Original poster
Serenstar83 · 23/07/2015 20:40

Callamia, that's what I said to him...he didn't agree and said it was just something he was paid to do.

He has lived and worked in London and all over the country, I'm from a relatively sheltered background and can't imagine every accepting a 'job' being paid to beat someone up! By the way, he also says it was only ever justified stuff; vigilante type things I think for friends or friends :/

OP posts:
Milllii · 23/07/2015 20:40

Well he has told you and from his point of view he has it under control and doesn't feel the need to seek help. That's fair enough as its his life BUT if think getting engaged at only 4 months is way too soon as you don't even know each other properly yet. You are still only seeing the best side of each other. Time will tell so don't be in any rush to move in together or get married especially as you have 3 children. You need to slow it down a lot.