Fiancé revealed something the other day...

[Serenstar83]

Hi, I really need some advice.

I've been with my partner for 4 months and we recently got engaged. It's quick, but we feel more for each other than we ever have for anyone else and just feels 'right'.

He makes me laugh, feel safe, wanted, loved, I have three children that he is great with and he is just generally a lovely guy...perfect for me I would say.

However. The other day we were chatting about something, and he revealed that years ago he had been paid to beat people up! He was very vague and refuses to discuss it in any more detail, saying it was the past and none of my business, but obviously I feel very uncomfortable with this...he can't understand why, saying everyone else he has mentioned it to has seen his point of view "eventually" - that it was just a job to him and "premeditated, I'd never go out and beat someone up after going out on the lash or anything".

He also today revealed that "I wake up angry and go to bed angry, during the day is hard work but I can control it".
I've seen a few hints of possible...mental illness maybe...? - he gets very visibly anxious sometimes; scratching his head or arms (not hard) and seems visibly worked up, but it passes fairly quickly especially if I mention it. The other day he went shopping for me and couldn't find the cheese I had asked for, came back and said he had almost burst into tears over not being able to find this cheese. He said it's very out of character for him and his head feels 'muddled' at the moment.

On occasion he seems different, a kind of cold look in his eye and he has said that people have mentioned this before. He also said that an ex paid for private counselling for him once but it didn't help at all.

What worries me is earlier I asked if he would see his GP and try to get referred to the local mental health team to get checked over if I asked him to and he said that no, he never would as he doesn't see the need. He is "fine and able to control it" and he doesn't see the point in getting checked out, even if I feel very uncomfortable with him not getting checked over.

We were sort of arguing when this last bit was brought up so maybe he might be more willing to try and see a doctor at another time, but I am really worried about this past beating people up thing, and the fact he says he gets angry when he wakes up and goes to sleep. He says he has past issues that he thinks has caused this but I know he would never hurt me or my children at all.

I feel so happy with him, and I do trust him, feel safe, all of that. But am I right to be concerned about his past or should I just get over it and move on?

I think this relationship has moved very fast, too fast, for you to truly know this man. Four months and engaged? Really? With three kids I'm amazed you've had the time to really understand his hidden depths. Put the brakes on it and get out. There is a nice veneer but underneath...I worry. For your safety, and your kids, run like the f**king wind!

Run like the wind!

The clear DBS only shows that he doesn't get caught! Either he truly used to beat people up and hid it from the authorities, or he is making it up to threaten you.

You seem to be getting more defensive of him as this thread goes on, which is a natural response, but remembers what he himself has told you: "I wake up angry and go to bed angry, during the day is hard work but I can control it."

He also refuses medical care. If he won't go for this, he won't go if he becomes (more) mentally ill.

That is honestly terrifying. What he has told you combined with his refusal to act. It's not fair for you or your three children if you stay with him. He sounds like he could flip very easily.

You have been in abusive relationships before and I'm sorry to say this seems like a continuation of the pattern. Please ring Women's Aid and/or a relative or friend you can trust.

He sounds like the worst possible person to have near you or your children if he snapped one day. Relationships are often not forever, sorry. Your children & wellbeing should be.

OP, are you living with this man?

Drlego he is on high blood pressure meds...not sure if that can cause anxiety and itching?

I suppose I hoped if he agreed to get checked out by a doctor regarding his mental health then that might be a sign he might not be as much of a danger as you all think he is?

But i think you're all right, I should give it up :(

You have got to be kidding. You let your children near this thug? Jesus wept.

If he is 'the one' OP, and he has just had a dodgy past but has moved on and has got his MH under control so doesn't need support, then he will still be there 12 months down the line after you have said
'I feel as though this is moving too fast, and I am very worried about X,Y,Z. Can we sloooooow things down and see how things progress with us just dating until it becomes clear if you are a psychopath or not I feel entirely happy with who you are, this might take a year or so'

What do you have to lose?

Personally, I'd be running for the hills, but you seem undecided.

I don't understand why you're bringing up his clean DBS record as if this means he's ok. You know it means nothing in his case because he's already told you he's a violent criminal, he just hasn't been caught yet.

Love, I used to work for Victim Support and I was involved in teaching their training on domestic violence for 7 years. Please believe me, this man is a violent abuser and you are putting both yourself and your children at risk by being involved with this man. Furthermore if he did harm your children you could be prosecuted for not protecting your children. You need to leave this man, he is dangerous and if you stay with him you are letting yourself in for a world of pain.

His beating people up for money or favours is a non issue for him?

Is it really a non issue for you? Really?

You don't mind being with a man who beats people up no problem?

For all those mentioning the four months/not really knowing him thing...we'll call me even more crazy but because of the nature of our work, we are together every day at work for 4-6 hours, walk to work together, walk home together and have spent all day/night together afterwards apart from when he goes home to have a shower and change.

So I feel like I have got to know him well over the past few months of being together 24/7 and that wasn't initiated by him, it was a joint thing that just happened that way. Truly.

I tried, I really tried not to do this, but:
YOU ARE COMPLETELY CRAZY

OP, I am so shocked by this I cannot even begin to tell you. RUN AWAY. FAR AWAY. You have 3 children! it's not just you at risk here!

unless this is a wind up? I'm speechless. That doesn't often happen.

PLEASE do the Freedom Programme, OP.

^^

This. With bells on.

He probably 'does a lot' for you because he feels a sense of ownership and control over you. And is trying to impress you. Except at times the mask slips and you see the real, agitated, angry, out-of-control him.

As soon as you have walked down the aisle with this man you may be living with the agitated, out-of-control him FULL TIME.

Seren, you don't seem to realise you've actually moved far too quickly with this man.

He'll control it with you until he no longer feels the needs to. Basically when he feels he owns you and can do what he likes with you. Then of course, if you question the loss of control, he'll insist that you knew what you were letting yourself in for. Maybe when the red mist descends, one day, he shove you against a wall. Or down the stairs. Or throw a knife at you.

And the fact that you got engaged so quickly suggest that he doesn't want to have to spend too long keeping a lid on it. That's what the tears were. Him keeping a lid on it because he doesn't want to scare you off.

It would be interesting to know why his relationship(s) with his ex(es) ended. I bet their version isn't quite the same as his.

Being an angry violent man is a personality trait not a mental illness. He won't get better by seeing the GP.

Still not good enough OP. Get out.

"By the way, he also says it was only ever justified stuff; vigilante type things I think for friends or friends :/"

He doesn't even think he did anything wrong. And his friends and family are all dodgy as fuck too.

What a catch

You've spent every minute of the last 4 months with him? What about your poor kids - presumably they've spent all their time that would usually be spent with you with him as well?

This violent stranger with mental health issues? Seriously your poor children.

Sycamore, funnily enough my ex who threatened to kill me with a knife, then a gun, of which he had various, beat me up for years, broke my bones - also had a background in that kind of work, as well as other things linked to security (set up a security company once too apparently). Chilling to hear OP posting with such rose tinted specs on - reads very scarily indeed for me.. mental illness or sane, doesn't change the very real concerns you should have about his capacity to flip/harm you/DC/others - or leave you on eggshells in a horrible environment for DC. Please reconsider your engagement, etc.

So it didn't come as a surprised then when he told you he was a violent criminal? You'd already truly got to know him well so were aware of his coldness and ability to hurt people without guilt?

That's assuming your DC live with you, I'm hoping for their sakes that they don't, actually.

OP does he know you have had abusive relationships in the past?

Op apart from the high BP tabs, is he a body builder/ keep fit type?

If so is he really bulked up ? Because if so he might well be on mega doses of steroids, the anxiety, rages & sink irritations are all side effects of steroid misuse.

If he's so great why are you posting on here? 4 months is nothing, people are on their best behaviour then. Everyone on here has told you in the clearest terms how worried they are for you from information you have told us. Why aren't you listening to us? At least slow things down and find our more about him. I'm worried about you and think he is a very dangerous man for you and your children to be involved in.