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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé revealed something the other day...

354 replies

Serenstar83 · 23/07/2015 20:27

Hi, I really need some advice.

I've been with my partner for 4 months and we recently got engaged. It's quick, but we feel more for each other than we ever have for anyone else and just feels 'right'.

He makes me laugh, feel safe, wanted, loved, I have three children that he is great with and he is just generally a lovely guy...perfect for me I would say.

However. The other day we were chatting about something, and he revealed that years ago he had been paid to beat people up! He was very vague and refuses to discuss it in any more detail, saying it was the past and none of my business, but obviously I feel very uncomfortable with this...he can't understand why, saying everyone else he has mentioned it to has seen his point of view "eventually" - that it was just a job to him and "premeditated, I'd never go out and beat someone up after going out on the lash or anything".

He also today revealed that "I wake up angry and go to bed angry, during the day is hard work but I can control it".
I've seen a few hints of possible...mental illness maybe...? - he gets very visibly anxious sometimes; scratching his head or arms (not hard) and seems visibly worked up, but it passes fairly quickly especially if I mention it. The other day he went shopping for me and couldn't find the cheese I had asked for, came back and said he had almost burst into tears over not being able to find this cheese. He said it's very out of character for him and his head feels 'muddled' at the moment.

On occasion he seems different, a kind of cold look in his eye and he has said that people have mentioned this before. He also said that an ex paid for private counselling for him once but it didn't help at all.

What worries me is earlier I asked if he would see his GP and try to get referred to the local mental health team to get checked over if I asked him to and he said that no, he never would as he doesn't see the need. He is "fine and able to control it" and he doesn't see the point in getting checked out, even if I feel very uncomfortable with him not getting checked over.

We were sort of arguing when this last bit was brought up so maybe he might be more willing to try and see a doctor at another time, but I am really worried about this past beating people up thing, and the fact he says he gets angry when he wakes up and goes to sleep. He says he has past issues that he thinks has caused this but I know he would never hurt me or my children at all.

I feel so happy with him, and I do trust him, feel safe, all of that. But am I right to be concerned about his past or should I just get over it and move on?

OP posts:
ouryve · 23/07/2015 21:10

If he's 49, he's probably simply aware that he's likely to get beaten up himself because he's not as fit and fast as he would have been, then.

And in what world is it ever justified, anyhow? If he thinks vigilante groups, or whatever are a valid justification, then his moral compass has hardly shifted in the 3 decades since he did all that.

dominogocatgo · 23/07/2015 21:10

Getting paid to hurt people isn't always a bad thing. Are none of you married to soldiers, or perhaps been one yourself ?

Original poster
Serenstar83 · 23/07/2015 21:11

I see what you're all saying, I really do.

He has acted completely differently to every other man I have ever been with - treats me better, is attentive, genuinely makes me feel amazing...my children's father was physically and mentally abusive and was always knocking my confidence, undermining me, chipping away.... When I told my partner that, he genuinely looked shocked and asked why anyone would ever want to hurt me...or any woman.

I just....don't want to believe he could be some psychopath because I've known a few (for example, children's dad throttled me, convicted and was described by his probation officer as having no empathy)

I want to believe that dodgy past was something he did as a younger man, probably without realising the full extent of how wrong it was (if he was around bad people for example) and that he has changed...but then as you say, if he still can't see anything wrong with it... :(

OP posts:
wallaby73 · 23/07/2015 21:12

You haven't answered the point that pp's have made, that you have been spending "24/7" with this guy for some time, and does this mean therefore that the time your kids had with you, they are also having to spend with him? They have NO CHOICE who you bring into your home......this is all so wrong, and please do not trot out that line of "the kids adore him, he does so much with them".....they have no choice. And they are loyal to their mum.

Original poster
Serenstar83 · 23/07/2015 21:12

Domingo - sorry but even I do think that being in the army is different from a mate asking you to beat someone up...however he has never told me whether the person he beat up committed a crime themselves (sexual violence or something) or whether said mate just didn't like someone so asked him to knock them out... It's all still wrong but one is waaaay more wrong than the other IMO.

OP posts:
Original poster
Serenstar83 · 23/07/2015 21:14

Sorry wallaby, well yes in a way, he would come to the park with us for example but as he has been staying overnight all this time, he will go upstairs for a bit if I ask him to, or I will take the children out while he stays here and cooks us dinner or something.... Honestly it's been really nice and seemed natural but obviously now you're all making me think it was one big lie :(

OP posts:
wallaby73 · 23/07/2015 21:14

The mere fact that he was capable of that.... In cold blood, not even in the heat of the moment (and even that is bad enough) you have a very poor comparison and framework of relationships, going off what you have just said about your ex, to hold this man up against. And he sees nothing wrong with it. And "waking up angry and going to bed angry"? Come on.....

Diggum · 23/07/2015 21:17

OP your danger radar is actually working, you've just trained yourself not to listen to it. You are telling yourself everything you need to know about this man. Look at the words you've used: "I feel very uncomfortable... A cold look in his eye.... worries me.... I feel very uncomfortable....."

Even this, "I know he would never hurt me or my children". I always think when someone uses "I know" in this context they actually mean "Maybe I'm not so sure".

I also think that very often in life, nothing before "but" really counts. In your OP you talk about how lovely your DP is and then use the word, "however".

Cross out the preceding paragraphs, because what matters is everything you say after that.

Your instinct is what is making you feel uncomfortable. That uncomfortable feeling is fear. And being brutal, not listening to what fear is telling you is what sometimes gets people killed.

IsItStupid · 23/07/2015 21:17

Serenstar the fact he casually admits he beat people up is awful. If it had a justification of any sort he would have mentioned it. Beating someone up because you find them hurting your best friend is a heat of the moment act. He told you his acts were premeditated. Which is terrible. And he states that like it makes it better. In the eyes of the law at the very least it makes it far worse.

And late teens/early twenties is definitely old enough to know that it's wrong.

But the beating people up is just part of a much wider picture. He 'has a cold look in his eyes,' admits to anger issues, and refuses help from medical professionals. It all adds up to a very worrying picture.

Backforthis · 23/07/2015 21:17

Ok. I think you might benefit from looking at the Freedom Programme.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

TheNewSchmoo · 23/07/2015 21:18

I think your moral compass is a bit skewed if you view the assault you were convicted of as a minor things.

Only1scoop · 23/07/2015 21:21

You've known him for four months and he has met your DC and it's all serious Hmm

He has told you who he is and his capabilities to harm. He has also told you about his anger. He is telling you who he is ....please believe him.

Offred · 23/07/2015 21:21

This is one of the craziest things I've read... Maybe only beaten by the woman who believed her rapist boyfriend had been the victim of a terrible miscarriage of justice.

As others have said the DBS means nothing. He has either done what he says he has and not been caught and he is a violent and remorseless criminal or he is a fantasist who is trying to scare you.

This is the whole reason why it is not wise to propose to someone you have only been with for four months, no matter how much time you have spent with them.

I don't think you are ready to be dating anyone yet if you believe it's appropriate to propose after 4 months... There are absolutely massive issues with this guy and you refuse to acknowledge them.

Tequilashotfor1 · 23/07/2015 21:22

Can't belive your putting your your kids at risk for a bloke you have met for four months.

But you prob think with the love of a good woman you can save him...... Remember that when you are all tip toeing around the house not to piss him off.

He goes to bed and wakes up angry... Wow

FolkGirl · 23/07/2015 21:22

Silly woman.

Poor children.

If you canot see why this is wrong yourself, I'm not sure what anyone is going to be able to say to you.

It's 4 months. This is why you don't introduce strange men to your children when in the first flushes of a new romance. Because they are a stranger and you don't know them.

Only you've muddied this further by getting engaged and calling him your partner!

Absolute idiocy.

NerrSnerr · 23/07/2015 21:23

This is why 4 months is too quick to introduce someone to your children- you don't know them well enough. Even if you're head over heals with someone it's not fair to risk your children being hurt if it all goes tits up.

I also worry that you talk about your criminal record not being serious.

Offred · 23/07/2015 21:23

I mean come on?! He can't apparently control himself when he feels angry all the time but he is reduced to tears over cheese?!

learntoloveagain · 23/07/2015 21:24

You didn't just introduce him, you moved him in.

Raasay · 23/07/2015 21:26

Seren he was paid to beat people up he didn't care why.

It's wrong.

Even if the person he beat up was not an innocent. It was wrong.

Morally wrong

Against the law.

He hurt people, terrorised them, potentially permanently damaged them mentally and physically.

paxtecum · 23/07/2015 21:26

I would be more worried about his current problems, the anger that he controls and the cold look in his eye rather than what he got upto 25 years ago.

I also agree with Domingo, lots of people are trained and are paid to kill legally.

But it is his anger and anxiety that is the problem.
When the honeymoon period is over he will flip and either you'll get a beating or the DCs will.

Raasay · 23/07/2015 21:28

Btw the length of time ago it was only matters if he regrets it. If he's sorry. If he's dealt with his anger management issues and is sickened by it.

FolkGirl · 23/07/2015 21:29

I'm actually really cross reading this. Parents like you have no idea the damage that you cause to your children.

So, so selfish.

RayofFuckingSunshine · 23/07/2015 21:30

Get your children away from that man. Please.

piggybrownhare · 23/07/2015 21:34

You have been with him for FOUR months! You obviously have a lot to learn about this man. I personally would not even introduce a man to my kids after this short time. I think all the warning signs are there staring you in the face, you can see them but you are refusing to acknowledge them, and ignoringthe alarm bells. You have brought your children into this and it Is not just you who is at risk with this man, that you know so little about.

ChilliAndMint · 23/07/2015 21:35

He's likely to be a fantasist and presented himself as the "one" by mirroring you.

You have 3 children..protect them by never seeing this man again.

It's obvious he has anger management issues for whatever reason.

I wouldn't believe a single word he tells you..he's barking.

FWIW so are you for believing this shite and being such a gullible mother.

Call 101 and ask for advise.