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Original poster

Fiancé revealed something the other day...

354 replies

Serenstar83 · 23/07/2015 20:27

Hi, I really need some advice.

I've been with my partner for 4 months and we recently got engaged. It's quick, but we feel more for each other than we ever have for anyone else and just feels 'right'.

He makes me laugh, feel safe, wanted, loved, I have three children that he is great with and he is just generally a lovely guy...perfect for me I would say.

However. The other day we were chatting about something, and he revealed that years ago he had been paid to beat people up! He was very vague and refuses to discuss it in any more detail, saying it was the past and none of my business, but obviously I feel very uncomfortable with this...he can't understand why, saying everyone else he has mentioned it to has seen his point of view "eventually" - that it was just a job to him and "premeditated, I'd never go out and beat someone up after going out on the lash or anything".

He also today revealed that "I wake up angry and go to bed angry, during the day is hard work but I can control it".
I've seen a few hints of possible...mental illness maybe...? - he gets very visibly anxious sometimes; scratching his head or arms (not hard) and seems visibly worked up, but it passes fairly quickly especially if I mention it. The other day he went shopping for me and couldn't find the cheese I had asked for, came back and said he had almost burst into tears over not being able to find this cheese. He said it's very out of character for him and his head feels 'muddled' at the moment.

On occasion he seems different, a kind of cold look in his eye and he has said that people have mentioned this before. He also said that an ex paid for private counselling for him once but it didn't help at all.

What worries me is earlier I asked if he would see his GP and try to get referred to the local mental health team to get checked over if I asked him to and he said that no, he never would as he doesn't see the need. He is "fine and able to control it" and he doesn't see the point in getting checked out, even if I feel very uncomfortable with him not getting checked over.

We were sort of arguing when this last bit was brought up so maybe he might be more willing to try and see a doctor at another time, but I am really worried about this past beating people up thing, and the fact he says he gets angry when he wakes up and goes to sleep. He says he has past issues that he thinks has caused this but I know he would never hurt me or my children at all.

I feel so happy with him, and I do trust him, feel safe, all of that. But am I right to be concerned about his past or should I just get over it and move on?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 24/07/2015 22:43

Is OP going to throw a few more crumbs of scandal....

Or maybe another twist?

stayanotherday · 24/07/2015 22:57

Yes there are things that don't sound true like that and him working as security with a criminal past. He wouldn't be able to as I think they have to be checked and have a licence proving it. This just sounds weirder.

Elfina · 24/07/2015 23:16

Do does he work "in security" or with vulnerable people in the charity in which you also work??

Garlick · 24/07/2015 23:28

Flowers eepie and Mama

Garlick · 24/07/2015 23:32

Stay, I've known a hell of a lot of bouncers with a criminal past and strong sociopathic tendencies! They weren't doing close security with rock stars, though, I have no idea who appoints them or how. That said, if it's much like the way road crew get their jobs, it could be casual.

As to whether Mr Seren did his celebrity protection 10 or 20 years ago, last week, or just the once before becoming homeless: it's anyone's guess.

cocobean2805 · 24/07/2015 23:58

Doormen etc have to have an SIA license to work legally. No place will take on an unrelated SIA'd doorman, its illegal, and means the club/pub/whatever's public liability license is invalid =fines/closure. If a person has a criminal history they won't get an SIA, a person with questionable mental health issues (have been detained due to mental health etc) won't be issued with an SIA, any caution, warning etc will show up on the SIA check. It has to be renewed every three years, being arrested and charged results in loss of license.

If he's been arrested/charged/warned before, he doesn't have an SIA license, this also voids CP license. But I suspect this is the least of your worries at the moment OP.

stayanotherday · 25/07/2015 00:45

Thanks Garlick and Coco. I hope this doesn't come across as being rude to OP, it's just that some things aren't adding up. Yes, it is the least of her worries. I'm concerned about her children who are caught in this mess.

cocobean2805 · 25/07/2015 00:58

Unrelated = un-licensed!

My thoughts too stay

stayanotherday · 25/07/2015 01:08

I knew what you meant Coco lol! Apologies if I'm being naive, I understand somebody might be excited and swept away at the start of a relationship, especially somebody lonely who meets somebody and really wants it to work, but moving somebody in after 4 months? And when there are children? You don't know them properly. Putting the other issues aside for a moment, I'd want to know them for a while before even introducing them. The children's welfare comes first. OP you don't seem to be thinking of them.

giraffesCantBrushTheirTeeth · 25/07/2015 01:51

is the charity you both volunteer for one that helps homeless, is that how you met?

NeedsMoreCowBell · 25/07/2015 02:11

giraffes

They met after him being on the streets so I'm guessing you're right with a homeless charity.

Every charity I've worked and volunteered with has been very strict on workers never becoming involved with clients

Original poster
Serenstar83 · 25/07/2015 02:25

No our charity doesn't help homeless people specifically. More anyone that Is vulnerable for whatever reason.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 25/07/2015 07:57

Thing is, op...he hasn't told you all this so you can help him, or accept who he is...he has told you this so when (and yes, I do believe it's when) he hurts you/your children he can say "I warned you/told you so/you knew what I was like, so it's your fault that I did this, because you didn't listen/you chose to stay"

Which you will say/think "ok, he is right, this IS my fault" and you will say sorry.
And he won't.
And you will stay.
And it will repeat...again & again & again & again.
Until, one day...it might be to late to leave.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 25/07/2015 08:10

Was he using the charity's services when you met?

Blu · 25/07/2015 08:27

Why would a loving partner, 'the one' tell his partner that an incident from his past was 'none of her business', and why would a loving partner betray 'the one' to the extent that she texts to an ex that she is only with her curr

Blu · 25/07/2015 08:34

Tell an ex she is only with her current partner, who she intends to marry, in order to get over him?

If a woman posted that her Bf had done this people would gloss over the fact that she had looked at his texts ('you knew something was wrong, always trust your instincts...') and be outraged that he had described her like that to an ex!

If your relationship is so great, why would you text that to an ex?

Bizarre.

Kitsmummy · 25/07/2015 08:48

In that case he sounds ideal.

I'm single too, with young children, does he have any ex-violent mates that I could get together with...it sounds like just the set up at both me and my kids need Hmm

You do realise that if you're living with him and something awful happens and SS come knocking at your door...it's not like you've got a decent ex that they can go to is it?

differentnameforthis · 25/07/2015 09:04

and threw my phone full force at the wall You are as bad as each other, actually.

Both volatile with a penchant for being violent.
Both (or you at least) minimise your own & each others violence.
You cheated.
You downplayed your current relationship to you ex.
You lie to each other (you about texting your ex, he about reading said texts)

I have never said this, but I really do fear & worry for your kids living in this environment.

So why didn't he flip or seem angry at all either time? Because he knows you can walk away too easily right now. When it's harder to walk (when you are married/pregnant) the anti will be upped.

Oh & how the hell did you get a job volunteering with vulnerable people with that criminal record....

Ouchbloodyouch · 25/07/2015 09:50

Tis jackanory..

ChilliAndMint · 25/07/2015 09:53

I can't even be arsed to read any more..

Stitchintime1 · 25/07/2015 10:16

All stories need resolution. And this one seems to run and run. Details are good, but sometimes less is more.

Blu · 25/07/2015 11:29

Actually people with difficult pasts, including convictions, do rehabilitate and re-invent themselves, they get help, they change, they get jobs and do good things.

Many people have made terrible decisions and done terrible things when they were younger.

But part of changing is that you acknowledge the full weight of what yu did - not justify it as OK, say it is none of a new partner's business, say most people agree it was OK eventually, or minimise current outbreaks and loss of control.

OP, if you are so vulnerable that you are emotionally needy enough to be 'appeasing' an ex, so on the edge that you chuck a phone (wrecking it and injuring someone), you really really are not in any fit place to be making long term decisions about your future with a partner.

Step back, do some work on yourself, have yourself 'checked over' and get help and counselling for your anxiety etc, and then, and only then, think of any serious relationship.

If you can't look after yourself, you can't trust anyone else to look after you.

Bubblesinthesummer · 25/07/2015 11:52

As the op is the one with the criminal convictions and is also the one who has caused the partner physical harm, perhaps her dc would be better off living with him rather than her hmm

If the op continues with this then ss could very well get involved.

Not only does she minimise her past convictions as due to anxiety but his as well. Let alone she is throwing phones around and blocking peoples exits.

NeedsMoreCowBell · 25/07/2015 12:29

If this is true OP should hand her DC over to someone who cares and go live in drama-ridden bliss with her new thug.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 25/07/2015 13:18

"...The beating people up thing, he's 49. He said he did it in his late teens early twenties, before he got into security..."

"...I asked him to explain the past stuff and he said...it came about around ten years ago from a conversation in the pub..."

Hmm, what happened there Seren?!Hmm Also, a few posters have asked about your children but you're ignoring them. Why?

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