Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FIL is a paedophile

265 replies

Choccybaby · 04/07/2015 22:15

No easy way to say this and I've being thinking of posting for a while. My FIL was convicted recently of looking at indecent pictures of children. We've had limited contact since (unsurprisingly).
MIL who is too nice still lives with him (we did offer she could live with us but she declined)
We now rarely see them and usually only MIL but I feel guilty - FIL probably had undiagnosed Aspergers, but I still can't forgive him for all the hassle he's caused ( meetings with social workers and police etc) and he seems to want to brush it under the carpet ...

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 04/07/2015 22:17

id have to go no contact

VerityWaves · 04/07/2015 22:17

I would feel the same as you to be honest. There's is no doubt you are doing the right thing by maintaining no contact :)
I really can't understand the Women who stand by in these situations, but that is her choice I suppose.

CookieLady · 04/07/2015 22:17

He was convicted. Why do feel guilty for not seeing them?

Mypubesarestraight · 04/07/2015 22:18

I would not want him in my life if he was my fil.

something2say · 04/07/2015 22:18

Why indeed? He poses a risk, it's alright, what you're doing...

How is your partner about it?

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/07/2015 22:19

Those poor children.

How is your DH?

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 04/07/2015 22:23

Aspergers has nothing to do with it. He refuses to accept any wrong doings because, in his head, he has done nothing wrong.

My grandmother stood by my grandfather despite the fact that she knew he raped both of their children for many, many years. My mother allowed him to have contact with her children despite what he had done, as far as I recall he didn't harm us but it is not the decision I would've made as a parent.

Don't feel guilty. You are in the right.

BlackBettyBamALam · 04/07/2015 22:23

Oh god, how awful for you. I'd definitely maintain no contact, no question. Remember it's his choice of behaviour, so no need to feel guilty.

Original poster
Choccybaby · 04/07/2015 22:25

Not sure why I feel guilty, he's just quite a pathetic character to be honest - I feel sorry for him.
It's been very difficult for DH (who is nothing like his father) and DS1 who had a fairly close relationship until he was arrested (DS2 barely know him).
To be honest I feel a lot of anger towards him (and MIL for saying with him).
They live very close and its been difficult to cut them out completely, but it's certainly getting there

OP posts:
Original poster
Choccybaby · 04/07/2015 22:29

Sorry wasn't trying to say asperges excused it, but maybe explained some of his and family's response (some of who do have formal diagnosis and have stood by him!)

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 04/07/2015 22:31

Choccy - I mean this in the gentlest way and I hope my sentiment comes across that way too.

It sounds like you are also in some sort of denial. You mention possible asbergers and also that you find it hard to forgive FIL for the 'hassle' he has caused with social workers and police etc.

He is a paedophile. The images he has been downloading are real children who have been abused terribly (I won't go on) but feeling guilty and minimising it by saying he is a pathetic man with possible asbergers is a huge understatement.

I think you and your DH need counselling to learn to live with this reality.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 04/07/2015 22:37

He enjoys watching child rape and you're the one who feels guilty?

You are absolutely doing the right thing by staying NC. My grandad was a suspected paedophile. He never got a chance to abuse us because my mum wouldn't let him near us. I did not miss out on a relationship with him, I'm bloody grateful my mum kept us safe.

VerityWaves · 04/07/2015 22:40

That's V true handful :(
We need to be mindful of what he's actually done. (And it has nothing to do with Aspergers syndrome.)
OP well done for keeping no contact. It really is the only option here.

ImNotTheLadies · 04/07/2015 22:43

Absolutely no contact. Please try your best to not feel sorry for this man. I understand that it's reasonable to look at the situation from all angles and that he is a complex character and his actions are likely a product of his past.

BUT what it boils down to is you have a paedophile in the family and due to this direct contact, you mustn't take any risks here.

You say yourself he wants to brush it under the carpet, as apposed to addressing the problem. That is deeply disturbing and I wouldn't want my own family anywhere near him.

Original poster
Choccybaby · 04/07/2015 22:49

He's never been a "hands on" grandparent so luckily my eldest has never been at risk. My youngest was born during the trial so he's never had unsupervised contact and has only met him a couple of times now at family events.
I think we're all in denial really, particularly DH who really is lovely and doesn't want to endanger his sons but still loves his father - its difficult!
We seem to be drifting into non contact which I think is the right thing ( although we still bump into each other as live very near)
No matter what I will always ensure my kids are safe

OP posts:
loveareadingthanks · 05/07/2015 00:58

I can understand why it's hard to come to terms with but I agree you are rather in denial still.

You are annoyed about the disruption to your lives (embarrassment?) rather than what he did?

He is a person who is turned on by the sight of men raping children. There's no other way to see it. Why the holy fuck is he, or the stupid woman who is supporting him (MIL), allowed within a million miles of your children. Even supervised. Makes no difference. He is no different or less guilty than the men who actually raped those children. No different at all. Raping children. And you still give them the time of day and socialise with them.

NC is the only way, surely.

It's not something that can be forgiven or swept under the carpet. Raping children. FGS - you are either against it or you condone it.

OsloGin · 05/07/2015 01:11

Completely agree with loveareadingthanks. And think how your DC will feel when they look back on this as adults. Fucked up contact with their grandparents won't be a highlight.

GatoradeMeBitch · 05/07/2015 02:36

Asperger's has absolutely nothing to do with this, and whether he has it or not, it's no excuse.

I can see people with Asperger's sticking by a sex offender, but that's a different issue.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/07/2015 02:42

God what a horrible situation for your family. Your DH must be in turmoil over it all. :(

I presume that he has been convicted of the "thought crime" rather than actually having attacked any children (not that it makes a whole lot of difference, but there is one) - but I wouldn't want any contact between him and my children.

Your children don't need to know their grandparents - plenty of children don't have any, or don't have any contact with theirs for one reason or another - so don't feel bad on their behalf. Don't feel bad on the behalf of your PILs either - FIL has done wrong, and MIL is condoning him by staying with him.

darksideofthemooncup · 05/07/2015 02:49

Please go No Contact, I grew up in a household that swept abuse under the carpet and as much as I try to understand why my Mum chose not to rock the boat I will never, ever forgive her for that.

differentnameforthis · 05/07/2015 04:45

You feel sorry for him?

I wonder if all the parents of those children can forgive him & the filth that abused their children in order for him to get his fucking kicks!

I'd never see either of them again, to be honest. She is as guilty as he is.

goddessofsmallthings · 05/07/2015 05:27

It's often the case that the parents are complicit in the sexual abuse of their children for financial gain, but if the OP were to view some of the images her fil has masturbated fantasised over I very much doubt that she would feel anything other than loathing for him, dnft. Angry

Save your sorrow for your dh, who must be in turmoil due to what his df has done, and for the impact his perversion has on your dcs lives now and in the future, choccy.

BeautifulBatman · 05/07/2015 05:38

You have children and yet you haven't gone nc with a convicted paedophile? What is wrong with you??

AnonyMusty · 05/07/2015 05:44

Sorry but what has Aspergers got to do with it? His paedophiliac behaviour has NOTHING to do with his autism. The two are not related. I'm concerned that your mention of Aspergers may make some people assume that the two go hand in hand.

Loobyloo15 · 05/07/2015 06:11

No way would I let him anywhere near the kids. Perverts are never cured. Sorry

Swipe left for the next trending thread