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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

FIL is a paedophile

265 replies

Choccybaby · 04/07/2015 22:15

No easy way to say this and I've being thinking of posting for a while. My FIL was convicted recently of looking at indecent pictures of children. We've had limited contact since (unsurprisingly).
MIL who is too nice still lives with him (we did offer she could live with us but she declined)
We now rarely see them and usually only MIL but I feel guilty - FIL probably had undiagnosed Aspergers, but I still can't forgive him for all the hassle he's caused ( meetings with social workers and police etc) and he seems to want to brush it under the carpet ...

OP posts:
Rozalia · 11/07/2015 19:53

Thanks Cookie' I will do that. Just come in for a short break from the garden, but I'll start a thread later this evening. I think it would help me and if it helped others too that would be great. Sometimes the only good thing to come from these appalling experiences is the ability to understand and help others in the same position.

I saw a therapist a couple of years ago and she said she saw this kind of thing over and over. The person who tries to stop the abuse, who refuses to take part in a cover up is the one who is condemned and harassed. Wtf that tells us about the human psyche I don't like to think.

One of my son's has a violent FIL. Being a coward FIL is only violent to his teenage daughter now. His son started hitting him back and his other daughter married my gentle, peaceful boy. One day, while visiting my DS and DIL, FIL went for his youngest daughter. Hit her and knocked her down, then went to carry on the attack. My very seriously ill son, stopped him and threw him out of the house, while MIL, BIL, SIL (BIL's wife) and his wife silently looked on. Then they all turned on my son. He stuck to his guns and FIL contains himself around my son now. Youngest girl has left home.

Rozalia · 11/07/2015 19:55

Here I go, hijacking the thread again Blush. Sorry OP. Will start my own. Still it might help you OP, to see how usual this fecking weird scenario is.

textfan · 11/07/2015 23:09

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FrancesNiadova · 12/07/2015 09:10

textfan FlowersFlowersFlowers

Queenofwands · 12/07/2015 13:12

Why are so many people invested in minimising this mans crime? He has a sexual interest in children FFS... I am not a survivor but have been close to those who are. In both circumstances it was their own Father. In one the Mother had prior knowledge of allegations, in the other the whole extended family supported him despite a criminal conviction.

This is why those bastards in Rotherham, and the likes of Saville got away with it for so long. Who are these posters...are they genuine?

This thread does have a weird vibe IMO.

Queenofwands · 12/07/2015 13:12

Oh and another gay catholic here you have offended.

textfan · 12/07/2015 16:09

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Christinayanglah · 12/07/2015 18:01

Text fan

Well said

textfan · 13/07/2015 02:04

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nauticant · 13/07/2015 21:00

A very relevant programme was broadcast tonight on Radio 4:

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b061qhtc

The Nature of Paedophilia

Matthew Hill explores the science behind the psychiatric disorder paedophilia.

One problem posed by the programme is what do you do with people who are sexually attracted towards children who want treatment.

forumdonkey · 13/07/2015 21:31

At the end of the day speaking as a parent whatever is done or whatever rehabilitation is done I would never and could never trust a paedophile.

textfan · 14/07/2015 00:25

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InnocentWhenYouDream · 14/07/2015 07:14

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ZazieEnElMetro · 14/07/2015 11:10

Really sorry to hear to the situation you are in Op. When I was younger, there was a big case of a paedophile ring being exposed in my hometown by a long term undercover police operation. One of the criminals was a prominent local minister. He was p/t chaplain at my school, one of his daughters was a few years above me.

His wife salvaged a lot of community respect and a decent life for her and her kids by basically cutting him out of their lives with a scalpel the minute he was exposed. He was never able to set foot in their house after the first time he was arrested and taken away, the wife never laid eyes on him again, filed for divorce the next day, went for full custody of the children and wouldn't let him see them again (easily done because he went to prison until they were past 18), went back to her maiden name immediately. The police "accidentally" showed her some of the materials involved whilst he was being arrested and she never looked back. As a result she and her children got a lot of sympathy and respect. So I think that is the way to go with your FIL. I think that stems from if you do that, people know you have done everything you can to break the chain/cycle, and people are very aware that child abuse does have a cycle, so can be wary even of the victims.

If your DH still wants contact with his dad, really try to convince him not too. Make him aware that people will, justifiably, be suspicious of him if he continues contact with his father. If that doesn't work, at the very least you have to draw the line round your children and say that DH can only see his dad by himself. If he won't respect that, then I think, sadly, you are looking at divorce and the courts.

I was friendly with a colleague in our 20s who had been a victim of family child abuse when younger, alongside her cousin. She had spoken up about it within her family and been the one who was condemned for making trouble. The abuser was a big deal in business and helped other family members both financially and in terms of business contracts, jobs etc, so her mother was very keen that the boat wasn't rocked for financial/social reasons.

It led to all kinds of problems like social estrangement from her mother (but not financial estrangement- her parents gave her a very substantial deposit for a house in London, paid for her frequent trips to the Priory for substance abuse and nervous breakdowns, plus private mental health care/therapy- there was some suggestion that some of this financial support came from the abuser).

Later, another, even younger member of her family came forward about abuse by the same person and the cousin who had been abused alongside my friend. My friend actually became one of the chorus of family voices who condemned the victim and told them to keep quiet, not to cause trouble and be grateful for all the support that family could bring.

At the point, I felt I had to put some distance into that friendship because she was putting financial support over the the safety of her younger relative, even though she had suffered the same abuse. I know it is a complex issue, and that my friend was still a victim but she had definitely crossed a line for me. She was also telling me at the time how she liked to re-enact violent rape scenarios with her then girlfriend, taking the role of the rapist herself, that she liked to verbally abuse and humiliate her girlfriend in bed and I just realised that as I wasn't clinically trained I was way out of my depth to give her any advice or support. She was also being open about how she wanted to extend their sex life to include anal rape re-enactment even though her girlfriend didn't want to do that, and it was becoming a heated issue in the relationship. She felt that as she had helped her girlfriend with a deposit for a flat and redecorating it to put up for rent whilst they lived together, that her girlfriend "owed" her the sexual leeway she wanted. (Girlfriend disagreed and fucked right off out of it, quite rightly so, moved into a shared flat to get away whilst she waited for her tenants to finish their lease. Friend was unhappy with that that as the rental flat was supposed to be the nest egg for their future.)

I'm mentioning this because I'm trying to illustrate the kind of intergenerational mess that can happen in these situations. I think you want to avoid coming even close to that, for you and your DC.

ZazieEnElMetro · 14/07/2015 13:21

Ok, on the subject of treatment for paedophilia cf the R4 programme cited by Nauticant

If paedophilia is "just" a sexual preference "like" homosexuality...doesn't that mean that attempts to "treat" paedophilia are just as doomed to failure as the "treatments" for homosexuality (ECT, aversion therapy etc)? The attempts to "cure" homosexuality are now often seen as nonsensical.

What is fundamentally different in terms of homosexuality and paedophilia is one preference can be satisfied by a consensual activity between people capable of consent and the other can't. Sexual acts without the consent of all parties involved is (rightly) a crime.

That programme, some of these posts and

[http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-33464970 this BBC online article] are really close to being apologia for paedophilia. (The article is about how it is now illegal for a therapist/doctor to report a paedophile in treatment even if they confess abuse- truly horrifying).

The BBC coverage in particular comes across as if there are still highly placed people in the BBC who were involved in child sex abuse partially uncovered in the Saville scandal, who haven't been exposed or taken to task for their actions, who are now using their positions to try and shift public and professional opinion.

Revulsion and disgust are valuable human emotions. They can be reliable indicators of when something is very, very dangerous to health and wellbeing (think of recoiling at the scent of rotting meat for example). Trying to reframe this whole situation primarily in terms of liberal understanding and intellectual curiosity is a very, very insidious and dangerous move to make.

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