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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

FIL is a paedophile

265 replies

Choccybaby · 04/07/2015 22:15

No easy way to say this and I've being thinking of posting for a while. My FIL was convicted recently of looking at indecent pictures of children. We've had limited contact since (unsurprisingly).
MIL who is too nice still lives with him (we did offer she could live with us but she declined)
We now rarely see them and usually only MIL but I feel guilty - FIL probably had undiagnosed Aspergers, but I still can't forgive him for all the hassle he's caused ( meetings with social workers and police etc) and he seems to want to brush it under the carpet ...

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 05/07/2015 14:01

I will add my tuppenth. My neighbour was convicted and his then DP went ahead and married him after his conviction. She only kicked his perverted, sick ass out when he went on to actually abused young children in her family. He was in his 50's when this happened.

HermioneWeasley · 05/07/2015 14:06

I wouldn't see him or his enabling wife, and I wouldn't let me kids anywhere near. If my DH chose to see them, I'd question what sort of person he was.

McFarts · 05/07/2015 14:13

The man is a monster who deserves the sympathy of no one! You are failing your children big time if you fail to go NC. The MIL is also totally the wrong type of person to be around you children. NC completely is the only way.

In your shoes i'd be moving as far away as possible from him and the idiots who stand by him. I would not consider any of them a good influence for my children, and neither should you.

forumdonkey · 05/07/2015 14:16

RochelleGoyle, please can you explain why he would not be a paedophile in any sense of the word?

Italiangreyhound · 05/07/2015 14:19

No real advice, I think lots has been said. I just can't read and run. So sorry for you. Please keep your family safe and support your dh.

In your shoes I would not allow this man anywhere near my family.

But I personally feel very sorry for everyone in these situations. It is just awful. but of course, my sympathy and my anger on behalf of, is for the innocent child victims. Adults who abuse do have the option to seek help, to take themselves out of the situation. Your mother in law is being very stupid to stick by him, IMHO, and yet I still feel sympathy for her.

But sympathy and understanding must not ever allow further abuse, do not put your family in danger.

Whatever your feelings for the adults in this situation, however conflicted you feel, please, please keep your children safe and do not allow them any contact with this man or with anyone else who may allow him to have access to them.

Thinking of you.

RochelleGoyle · 05/07/2015 14:23

forumdonkey Of course. The true meaning of the word is someone with a sexual preference for children. Strange as it might sound, a relatively small proportion of child sex offenders are true paedophiles. Just to be clear though, I didn't say 'in any sense', I believe I said that his particular offence would not automatically mean he is a paedophile in the 'true sense' of the word.

Meerka · 05/07/2015 14:27

you're unlikely to get much objective advice on such emotive topic on a forum like this.

I think rochelleGoyles post is the most sensible and non-alarmist in this very difficult area.

forumdonkey · 05/07/2015 14:41

RochelleGoyle, you said in the true sense. Anyone with a sexual attraction to children is a paedophile they don't have to be schedule 1 offender to earn the title. You work with the offenders whereas I have seen the terrible effects and damage abuse has to children. IMO protection of children comes first always, if this means no contact, so be it.

VerityWaves · 05/07/2015 14:43

It's not complicated. He was convicted of watching ( enjoying) images of the sexual torture of children, real children, that really suffered - real abuse in real life.

whatlifestylechoice · 05/07/2015 14:44

Rochelle, no-one actually said it did. I was objecting to Thumb calling it a "thought crime", when presumably there's actual real children featured in the 'indecent images'.

goddessofsmallthings · 05/07/2015 15:25

@dnt In pointing out that there are parents who sexually abuse their children for financial gain, I wasn't disagreeing with you and the < angry > emoticon simply reflected the disgust I feel towards child abusers which I hope the OP will embrace when thinking of her fil and his perversion.

Please accept my apologies if my response caused you to believe that I was being in any way critical of yours - in mitigation it was early a.m and I hadn't had much sleep a [cuppa].

WhatifIdid · 05/07/2015 19:26

RochelleGoye Are you genuinely discriminating between those who rape children and those who just enjoy watching children being raped?

...and Meerka thinks your sensible and non-alarmist? Guess what Meerka you should be fucking alarmed at animals like OP's FIL. If you're a parent go ahead and be alarmed and outraged That IS the right fucking response!!!!"!!

There aren't many stupid and ignorant posts on mn that shock me anymore but those have.

Y0la · 05/07/2015 19:34

I would go NC too. I feel bad for you though. It's easy to type 'go NC'.

One thing I would try to arrange though, if only to get rid of feelings of responsibility (not guilt), I would try to get somebody from women's aid to talk to your mil to just gently talk her through reminders that she doesn't owe it to her H to stay with him, and that the law and the welfare system (if necessary) would support her with advice and support.

I don't know what age your mil is but if she's in her 60s it would be incredibly hard for her to imagine starting again. But she has to weigh up what matters to her. Her son and her grandchildren, or loyalty to a paedophile.

Brew
WhatifIdid · 05/07/2015 19:44

Massive assumption there Yola

Being a woman in your 60s can actually be a time of wisdom and strength. The time when you see bs for just what it is and decide to take no crap from anyone.

CatOfTheGreenGlades · 05/07/2015 19:52

Still, the MIL is standing by him at this point. Which might suggest she feels pressure to, is afraid of the big change of leaving, etc. especially if he's been a bit domineering which is a possibility (child porn watchers probably aren't big on thinking about other people's feelings).

handfulofcottonbuds · 05/07/2015 19:54

Where is the OP Hmm

WhatifIdid · 05/07/2015 20:00

Cat there is no such thing as 'child porn'. Sadly there are child abuse images.

Beaverfeaver2 · 05/07/2015 20:29

Choccybaby - I just wanted to let you know that we are going trough the same although at an earlier stage.

Have just a few months ago found out that FIL has been arrested for the same offence and is awaiting trial.
No idea if he is guilty or not.

There are lots of family members very upset and angry but we are doing our best to support him and MIL in any way we can.

They are also sill living together despite my BIL's & SIL's not being happy about that.

FIL still is allowed to see his grandchildren but obviously not alone.

I feel terribly sorry for him.
We all love him greatly and he has always been an excellent father.
Many of us 'wives' have grown up knowing him since we were young teenagers and would have never thought he could be capable of it.

I really hope he is found not guilty.
We are normally such a close family and this is very hard for everyone

RochelleGoyle · 05/07/2015 20:36

WhatifIdid I'm sorry you felt it necessary to resort to swearing and insults rather than engaging in sensible discussion.

CatOfTheGreenGlades · 05/07/2015 20:57

I am sorry I used the term "child porn" if it's offensive. I meant it as shorthand and wasn't really thinking it through, apologies (and will avoid in future)

Meerka · 05/07/2015 21:34

Guess what Meerka you should be fucking alarmed at animals like OP's FIL. If you're a parent go ahead and be alarmed and outraged That IS the right fucking response!!!!"!!

whatifIdid I've directly seen and had to deal with the results of more sexual abuse of children than I ever want to remember.

We also have a registered paedophile living at the end of the street. I have two small children, so how to keep them safe is quite a heavy concern of mine.

If there's one thing that's become clear, it's that people (me included) need practical ways to keep their children safe and cope with known paedophiles near to them. Hysterical exhortations to be alarmed and outraged are really not remotely helpful.

I've a helluva lot more respect for people who try to work with paedophiles to limit the appalling damage they do, than people who just scream about how awful they are and call them animals. That doesn't help anything unless you're able to put all people convicted (or even suspected?) of paedophilia on an island.

Btw the FIL is a human being. Same species as you, much as you might not like that fact.

The OP probably has left this thread but what they need is pragmatic advice on how to handle this awful situation. Her husband has to find a way to reconcile his Dad whom he probably loves with being someone who's watched these images. She has to cope with knowing that her children's grandfather has these awful urges. She is going to have to work out how to keep their children safe, how to help her husband. There's probably a lot of marital strain over this.

Hope you can slowly come to terms with all this OP and find a constructive way forward.

It could be worth contacting social workers or counsellors specializing in sexual deviance to find out if there are any organisations to help people in your situation. It might also be an idea to look for specialist forums where there are other families in the same incredibly difficult position.

forumdonkey · 05/07/2015 21:36

OP has young a young child and baby, which could make MIL and FIL in their 40's or 50's - still young.

I know its innocent until proven guilty Beaverfeaver2, but as much as I would like to reserve judgement until the justice system had done their best, I would want to know a damn good reason for images being connected to your FIL and why it wasn't him before I could blindly support him. Sadly paedophiles can be the nicest people you could meet with professional jobs and families or their own.

Beaverfeaver2 · 05/07/2015 22:07

That's so true forumdonkey and something we are finding it hard to come to terms with

saturnvista · 05/07/2015 22:37

When I was growing up there was a local teacher who was utterly amazing in his dedication and all-round brilliance. I never knew him personally but he was a bit of a legend. You can guess what's coming. I'd rather not go into it.

I don't think that man was/is an animal. I don't believe that all the positive work he'd done for children was just a way to get to them. However culpable he was, he also needed help. As communities we need to work out ways to incorporate into our very valid horror of paedophilia a safe place for offenders/potential offenders to belong and rehabilitate. If not because they deserve it (I suspect they often do) then because they're most dangerous when ostracised. But that wouldn't look like having contact with anyone's children - rather tragically, in the case of that brilliant teacher.

I wouldn't foster relationships between my kids and anyone with links, however casual, to an activity that is known to target children and cause them serious harm. I wouldn't put my children or anyone else's children in a car without seat belts either. It's not 'ok' if it's only happening under my nose, it's just not 'ok' at all. In my case, the children are tiny but what about in ten years? They could be most at risk as young teenagers, when I might have little or no ability to police their every move in relation to dangerous family members. How could anyone make absolutely certain their child was never alone with a grandparent? How would you explain to a child who has a relationship with a grandparent that they weren't ever allowed to be on their own with them? Arguably much more damaging than no contact at all. I also wouldn't like trying to explain my decision to continue contact when they are adults.

Iliveinalighthousewith2friendl · 05/07/2015 22:48

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