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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FIL is a paedophile

265 replies

Choccybaby · 04/07/2015 22:15

No easy way to say this and I've being thinking of posting for a while. My FIL was convicted recently of looking at indecent pictures of children. We've had limited contact since (unsurprisingly).
MIL who is too nice still lives with him (we did offer she could live with us but she declined)
We now rarely see them and usually only MIL but I feel guilty - FIL probably had undiagnosed Aspergers, but I still can't forgive him for all the hassle he's caused ( meetings with social workers and police etc) and he seems to want to brush it under the carpet ...

OP posts:
RochelleGoyle · 10/07/2015 20:04

Meerka, I do deal with this professionally and my contribution to the thread led to me being called ignorant by several people, which I found quite upsetting. I know I said things people didn't like to hear but actually, a significant proportion of my time is spent supervising and monitoring sex offenders precisely to prevent them causing further harm. I was a bit shocked by the venom towards what I had said, so withdrew from the thread.
.

Queenofwands · 10/07/2015 21:22

If the grandfather had been looking at older teenagers she would have said so. No one who found an old man looking at pictures of 16 -18 year old would describe him as a paedophile without putting it in context.

This is a very wired thread that seems it have an agenda of its own. Makes you wonder who is posting.

CookieDoughKid · 10/07/2015 23:21

Op. I hope you are reading. My bil had two separate police investigations (indecent exposure to a 3 year old and viewing child pornagraphy). He was sentenced. My dh's family support bil and makes excuses for him. Dh felt caught in the middle.

I've gone no contact with dh's family. I don't feel ANY of the family are safe around my kids. Child abuse is very black and white to me.

CookieDoughKid · 10/07/2015 23:26

BIL has 20 members of close family supporting him. Only myself and dh has gone NC with bil. Same stroke means we have also gone NC with all 20 members too. I say you stick by your principals and do what's best for you and your child.

UncertainSmile · 10/07/2015 23:46

CookieDough, that's appalling. You're bloody strong, they're pathetic.

Alanna1 · 10/07/2015 23:49

I've not read all the thread, but I can understand feeling sorry for someone who has severe mental health issues. Good luck finding a balance that safeguards your children and lets your husband have a relationship with his father.

Lifecanonlygetbetter · 10/07/2015 23:54

A lot of assumptions are being made here about child rape etc. Viewing child pornography is a crime that varies from looking at children in a pair of pants to severe abuse, including rape.
If there was a trial your FIL must have denied the offences. Your MIL has a choice between supporting him or abandoning him. She has her reasons for staying, even if you don't understand them. One important thing is whether your children can have a relationship with her. If she denies that he may be a risk, then I would be very cautious about allowing them to spend time alone with her.
It would not be unreasonable to stop all contact with FIL.However the fact that your son will see him in the street may have implications for him because he had a good relationship with his grandfather prior to his arrest. Do you know how serious the offences were? Child pornography is assessed at different levels. Is your FIL still in denial? Has there been a risk assessment or is work being done with him by the probation service? There is research to say that most people who look at child porn do not go on to do anything else, and hopefully that there are no other secrets waiting to be uncovered.
It would be easy to say no contact, but it sounds like this would be difficult for your partner. You are clearly protective, and it may be that as a family you see them at selected family occasions but not at any other time and you watch him like a hawk! Your partner needs to feel that he can make his own decisions about how he does or doesn't maintain a relationship with him.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 11/07/2015 02:35

If the grandfather had been looking at older teenagers she would have said so. No one who found an old man looking at pictures of 16 -18 year old would describe him as a paedophile without putting it in context.

Why the assumption that the OP would be privy to info about what exactly FIL was looking at at all? Confused

textfan · 11/07/2015 03:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firesidechat · 11/07/2015 08:58

This is a very wired thread that seems it have an agenda of its own. Makes you wonder who is posting.

Yes to this.

I'm sorry you had to read some of the comments on here textfan and I've been wondering what someone in your circumstances would make of them. I can't believe some of what has been said on here.

I'm all for professionals talking to paedophiles and trying to understand a little more about what makes them attracted to children and what makes some of them take it to criminal extremes, but there is no need for family members with children to take on that role. Their role is to protect their children as much as they can and in the vast majority (all?) cases that means going nc. When those children grow up the chances are that they will discover what uncle Fred or whatever did and they could quite rightly be furious that their parents allowed any kind of contact with them.

Rozalia · 11/07/2015 09:19

When I discovered,by being told by one of his now adult victims, that my then husband had raped and otherwise abused his much, much younger sisters, everyone stood by him. All but one member of his family, who all knew his history, my family thought they were being fair minded by supporting both of us.
The neighbours, with their 2 little girls, thought I was being 'unforgiving' - ' it was a long time ago'. I had 2 daughters of 3 and 5, his primary age interest. I didn't tell the neighbours, the sister who helped me did, to try to get them to back off and stop harassing me.
The only support I had in getting him to leave was this SIL and SS whose contribution was to say if he didn't leave they'd take all my children away. The police put a panic button in my home because ex was trying to kick the door in and threatening to kill me. His friend even offered him a gun to shoot me.
It was a nightmare and even 20 years later there are people in this community who give me threatening looks because I divorced a man who had, over a decade, raped and beaten his four very, very young sisters.
Can you believe it? I barely can and it was me it happened to. I need to post a thread about this some time, it might help me understand and process wtf happened.
But I protected my children, in fear of my life. I did the right thing, thank fuck, when no bugger else was prepared to protect them.

Rozalia · 11/07/2015 09:24

By "supporting" me, I mean my sister didn't speak to me for nearly ten years and my parents would sorrowfully shake their heads and say they couldn't understand why I'd divorced him. They stayed on good terms with him knowing everything. Wtf

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 11/07/2015 09:41

Indecent images of children does not necessarily equal hard core child abuse imagery -
www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/sentencing_manual/indecent_images_of_children/

FIL is not (by the sound of the OP) in prison, so it is likely that the images contained no sexual activity of any kind, just "posing".

If FIL was considered to be a risk to children, he would have conditions placed upon him, and would not be allowed to see his grandchildren.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/07/2015 09:46

Rozalia - that's horrific! Oh God, how could anyone have expected you to do otherwise? Shock
And only one of the abused sisters helped?? What about the other 3? :( Angry

Onedayinthesun · 11/07/2015 09:57

Rozalia ???? what a horrific story

firesidechat · 11/07/2015 09:59

And only one of the abused sisters helped?? What about the other 3? sad angry

I wouldn't condemn the victims for not actively getting involved. They were victims, very young at the time and probably traumatised. The op doesn't say that they stood by their brother. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't.

firesidechat · 11/07/2015 10:02

Rozalia that sounds dreadful. I can just about understand why some members of the abusers family will try to brush it under the carpet and pretend it didn't happen, although I'm not saying it's right, but why would the in laws do this and neighbours? Astonishing!

Meerka · 11/07/2015 10:05

Fwiw I hoped that people would see that there is a range of offences. That in principle reacting with sheer hate achieves less than actually working out a practical way of ensuring children are safe. I don't think that burning hatred does anything except drive people with that urge underground.

Which makes things more dangerous not less. I'd like to see paedophiles dealt with more effectively :/

InnocentWhenYouDream · 11/07/2015 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 11/07/2015 10:07

Rozalia Flowers you did the right thing! Well done for staying strong with all that happening around you!

dani002 · 11/07/2015 10:07

A tricky one. He is still your partners father at the end of the day and you have to respect that but obviously you need to think of your children aswell. I don't know what i would say to be honest.

Rozalia · 11/07/2015 10:24

Thumb Stand by my man, presumably. Guard him so he didn't rape my little girls. Be another of his victims.
I don't blame his sisters really. The one who did help paid a price in stress and trauma. She didn't like being shut in a room with him and always stood near a window if he was between her and the door when she was "negotiating" with him. She went through it all again, telling me, then talking to various people such as my neighbours. I didn't know that until afterwards.
Another sister was terrified her husband would find out because she thought he'd blame her. This particular sister was badly beaten by my x, when she was 6, because she wouldn't co operate.
The other sister? Too fucked up, frankly, could barely help herself.
I do blame the rest of his family who were angry with me because I wouldn't put up and shut up. I'd contained my ex, unknowingly, and that's how they liked it. If my daughters were abused, too bad. I'd been married to him for 15 years at this point and had 3 daughters in total. They all knew what risk they were under all this time. When one of his siblings heard I'd kicked ex out he said "Been molesting his little girls, I suppose."

I've hijacked the thread, sorry. I'll maybe cut and paste and start my own.

InnocentWhenYouDream · 11/07/2015 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/07/2015 11:14

Oh Rozalia - his brother even said that and still they blame you?? I just can't imagine, what sort of people accept that as "just one of those things". So so glad you got you and your DDs out of it. Thanks(((hugs)))

CookieDoughKid · 11/07/2015 18:02

Rozalia - Please do create another thread. I think it would help you and others in a similar position. It does not surprise me at all to hear there is support for your ex. I'm sorry about what you went through- you get labelled the crazy one and you get the blame. I've been in touch with quite a few other MNetters and I hear similar stories. It's almost as if the families can't take the truth, are in denial and minimise the horror in their own minds that this crime can't be true. You need to cut them all out as much as you can and get on with your lives. There's not a day that doesn't go by when I think about having gone nc with all of my dh's family and what my dc's are missing out but it does get easier.