FIL is a paedophile

[Choccybaby]

No easy way to say this and I've being thinking of posting for a while. My FIL was convicted recently of looking at indecent pictures of children. We've had limited contact since (unsurprisingly).
MIL who is too nice still lives with him (we did offer she could live with us but she declined)
We now rarely see them and usually only MIL but I feel guilty - FIL probably had undiagnosed Aspergers, but I still can't forgive him for all the hassle he's caused ( meetings with social workers and police etc) and he seems to want to brush it under the carpet ...

Actually some perverts can be and are cured. Not many. But a few.

Demonising people doesn't help anything at all.

This is one of the most abhorrent forms of criminality because it's so utterly destructive. He is still a human being though.

I'm not sure exactly what you are asking here choccybaby. It has to be hardest for your husband because the children of people who have acted in this way are still their children. Many of them still love their Dad, including people who have been abused in ways that you certainly could never have imagined until you come across the fallout.

I think that it would be very understandable to distance yourself. If it's possible then I think that you need to support your husband in having the level of contact that he feels is right. It would be a very big thing to ask that he goes complete NC unless he himself wanted to; it would leave him with intensely difficult and conflicted feelings possibly for the rest of his life (another consequence of his father's crime :/ )

Regarding your children, well, it goes without saying that they could never be left alone with him. The biggest pragmatic problem now is that he is wanting to sweep it under the carpet and not to acknowledge how awfully he's behaved. Because of that I'd personally think that it would be wise to keep him well away from them, minimizing does not bode well.

Things can never be the same for any of you, FILs actions have altered the way everyone thinks of him forever. But I think decisions to go NC have to be thought about carefully and not done as a twitch reflex.

Be VERY clear Choccy, if he's been convicted this will be really hard core stuff he's viewed.

Anyone who can sit through, nevermind get off on, children being tortured and raped would never ever be knowingly near my children.

And the woman who chooses to knowingly live with such a man? Ditto.

I would have absolutely unmixed feelings in your position Choccy. First and foremost, your job is to protect your children.

Don't fail them or let them down.

I am assuming FIL thinks this is a victimless crime as he did not do anything to those children himself. Clearly it is not a victimless crime but more worrying for your children and family he puts getting his rocks off above the extreme physical and emotional distress of children. I would not have any contact with him and I think I would find it hard to have contact with MIL.

How does your DH feel about this?

goddessofsmallthings Why are you angry facing me?

I don't need to see pictures of children being abused to feel nothing but loathing for the people who create & view them.

I wasn't judging op..I just wondered why, after this, she has sympathy for him.

No contact

Terrible for all those involved

I agree with the many pp who are urging complete NC.

At this point in time, your concern has to be protecting your own dc and supporting your DH. He must be in bits knowing what his own father has done. Even if he is not showing it.

OP your FIL is a convicted paedophile and will be on the sex offenders register. Your family will now, through no fault of yours, be on the social service's radar. Check with SS but FIL probably isn't allowed access to your family.

"Thought crime", Thumb? WTF? Looking at pictures of children being abused and raped is an actual real crime, because those children have been actually abused and raped.

I would have to go nc, OP.

I would definitely be no contact. Whether he is supervised or not.

Sorry but this would be an absolute deal breaker for me if my dp still wanted contact for my children. He can have the contact he felt appropriate for himself but the children absolutely not.

I do feel bad for you, this is difficult and no fault of your own but you have to deal with it and not just brush it under the carpet for an easy life.

was waiting for someone to defend him as a human. Sympathiser urgh disgusting. They are never cured end of.

Choccybaby, harness your inner lioness.
Your husband can't believe that his Dad would do this. He might have been conditioned to brush his Dad's inappropriate behaviour under the carpet all his life, "oh it's just Dad, YOU know what he's like, he's harmless really."
He isn't harmless, he's a paedophile. End of argument. Of course he wants to brush it under the carpet. It's his way of gaslighting, controlling you, making you question your core beliefs, which allows jolly old FIL to continue his activities.
MIL is acting as his enabler. How many years have they been married? Did she really not have a clue about his abusive character? Had DH never felt uncomfortable & that something was wrong?
DH & MIL have spent a lifetime being groomed by him. They can't just snap out of their enabling behaviour. YOU are the one who must protect your children. DH is struggling because he's been damaged too. He'll want his Dad to be a lovely Grandpa, YOU have to be the one who stops him having access to your DC, which means photos, the lot. Let school, nursery, childminders know that IL' s do NOT collect your children.
Go through your GP or you be proactive & contact SS for support for your DH.
Sorry you're in this position Choccybaby, but you are the one who will have to make the stand & protect your children.

Should say, "it's time for you to be proactive."

NC is the only option op. I would go NC with mil also she seems to condone his dangerous behaviour what else is she capable of.
Agree that you need to be the strong force behind this shift- your DH needs leading- no more polite conversations if you do bump into them i would literally have nothing to do with either if them it would turn my stomach to do so.
Please don't question your actions or feel guilty you are on the way to doing the right thing by your children.

whatlifestyle - perhaps I am naive, I'll admit to it, but "indecent pictures of children" did not, in my mind, translate to "hardcore torture and rape of children". It has to others though - so perhaps they know more about it than I do, or perhaps I'm not extrapolating out to the extent that they are.

I know of one person, a friend of a friend, if you like, no one who has anything to do with my family, who was also caught looking at indecent pictures of children - and it genuinely was not hardcore torture and rape of children. Still not right, still really bad and he got caught and went to court etc. but didn't end up in prison, although he has a conviction. The OP didn't say that her FIL went to prison either - hence my wondering if it was a similar situation.

Regardless of the extent of the abuse images that FIL was viewing for his own gratification, they are still real children who have been subjected to horrific abuse for the depraved sexual fantasies of paedophiles.

OP - have you considered that MIL may have known of this all along and turned a blind eye? If she did then she is also complicit. The fact that she stands by him speaks volumes and I would go NC with both of them.

I do hope that you and your DH get counselling to help you unpick this.

Indecent images of children, means images of children being abused. Whilst the OP's FIL may not have been directly involved in the child abuse, anyone who views these images is complicit in the abuse of children, it's a very serious crime. For a conviction I would imagine the images were very graphic indeed.

That said, to those who say just cut him out, it's not always that easy. It's difficult to separate the good person you thought someone was to the person you now know they are, but that will come in time provided you don't sweep it all under the carpet. I feel sorry for your DH, your FIL and MIL are making their own beds, save your sympathy, they've made their choices and your choices will become easier in time.

Then I accept I am being naive and know too little about this. Yes, of course it's still complicit in the abuse of the children, hence it being a crime

Another poster who feels your response is a bit odd. Looking at indecent images of children is a heinous, dangerous crime. People who do it are not safe to be around children. I would go so far as to say that a responsible, diligent parent would simply prevent it happening.

Hassle with social workers?? Be thankful they're on the ball enough to check that your kids are safe.

To go NC is the only option, really. I'd find it hard to remain in contact with MIL as well, since she won't acknowledge the severity of the situation.

I've been there too. A friend's husband was convicted after a truly massive number of indecent images of children was found on his computer (literally tens of thousands). He somehow managed to escape prison and the merrily tried to keep it secret and brush it under the carpet like it never happened. When I eventually did find out, that was the end of the friendship for me.

You can feel sorry for him without that affecting your actions.

I have a paedophile family member who I was a victim of and who I gave evidence against and got convicted. I have never let him near my children and have no contact with him myself. I don't forgive him – I don't feel any need to, he's never apologised or asked me to, he's not a reformed character, I know he'd do it again given half a chance.

I still feel sorry for him - he's had a massively fucked up life, was definitely abused as a child himself, also has some social difficulties and I suspect is not NT but never had any support for that. It's a sad tale, and I'm sorry for anyone with such a disastrous life.

That doesn't mean my pity extends to me having to see him, do anything for him, owe him anything or feel guilty. My children and my own sanity come first.

People cut contact with family for far less than this! I guess it's a warped view as luckily I've never been in this position but I'd assume after he'd been convicted of being a paedophile that my children and I would never see him again. I really don't see what there's to think/discuss- to me I'm afraid it would be a given.

I wonder if you posted about this a while ago? Was a terrible thing to happen if so.

And if not, it was probably rather similiar in the shock, and horror, and covering up and trying to work through it.

I wonder if you & your DP can have some joint councelling for this? Or separate. It's a huge thing to process, especially as we live in a society which either minimises or demonises and can leave the people around the paedophile with no path through the turmoil and confusion.

He was convicted, so I doubt they were pictures of kids in a bath surrounded by bubbles....

Actually, being convicted of viewing/distributing indecent images of children does not automatically equate to having viewed 'hardcore torture and rape of children'. I know this because I work with sex offenders. I'm not suggesting that the less horrific images are excusable but I am a little shocked by some of the sweeping statements being made on this thread by people who presumably have no first hand knowledge of the case. Also, to reassure the OP, it is not the case that all offenders who view indecent images would necessarily progress to contact offences 'if given the chance', nor that viewing such images even means a person is a paedophile in the true sense of the word. OP, the decision on contact is one for you, your husband (and most likely) social services - in my view, you're unlikely to get much objective advice on such emotive topic on a forum like this.