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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going back to an abusive relationship

739 replies

purplepavements · 30/05/2015 20:02

Hi
I have namechanged as I wanted to hear advice and maybe experiences without people having the info from my previous thread.
I am seriously considering going back to my ex. I feel like it's safer and easier to be back with him. He never hurt my dd and she's the only one I really care about. Has anyone had any good experience of going back because since leaving him I just feel shitter than ever.
Tia

OP posts:
98percentchocolate · 30/05/2015 20:04

I don't know your previous threads or the nature of the abuse, but I couldn't read and run without saying you are worth more than this. You deserve more. Don't forget that.

Original poster
purplepavements · 30/05/2015 20:04

And when she died he was nice to me.

OP posts:
Ouchbloodyouch · 30/05/2015 20:04

It was 'easier' to be with my abusive ex. Fucking miserable though. A lifetime of misery awaited me. Don't do it. It gets harder to extricate yourself as time goes on.

Minikievs · 30/05/2015 20:06

How long have you been gone? I won't say it gets easier as for me, every week he provides me with a fresh and hideous torment.
However. Your DD will grow up seeing that your relationship with him is normal. The only question you have to ask yourself is would you ever want her to end up with a man like him? If the answer is no, then stay well away.
Good luck, I'm sure you are stronger than you realise, you've taken the hardest step already. Please don't go back

ASAS · 30/05/2015 20:06

So sorry to hear your daughter passed away. She cared about you, she wouldn't want you to go back xxx

Minikievs · 30/05/2015 20:07

Oh, x posts. I'm so sorry for your loss

Reekypear · 30/05/2015 20:07

Don't believe it, he hurts you, he will hurt her.

My mum thought my dad would never hurt me, when he ran away due to abuse, or was in hospital. But he did hurt me, I've never told her, it would kill her.

You have a duty to protect your child. If you don't, your to blame.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/05/2015 20:08

Do not go back to him, it will be the worst possible thing you could do to yourself. It may be familiar to you but you really deserve better than being abused at his hands.

Solo · 30/05/2015 20:08

It won't get better, it'll undoubtedly get worse. Start to rebuild your life for yourself now. You can do it.

And I'm sorry if this is a bit insensitive, but are you saying your daughter died? did you have two Dd's? I'm sorry for your loss Thanks:(

Reekypear · 30/05/2015 20:09

I did not realise your daughter had died, it was not clear.

No, don't ever go back.

Sorry about your loss.

Original poster
purplepavements · 30/05/2015 20:11

He was arrested last month. he was bailed on a tag. I saw him yesterday. I only had one baby. I just want to go back. He was so nice to me yesterday, he was so sorry. But I know it could be all bullshit. Im lonely, and I've been feeling more and more shit since he's been gone.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/05/2015 20:15

If you go back it will be the death of you, emotionally if not physically.
Abusive men all say that they are sorry; they are not sorry at all. They are only sorry that they have been caught. Let the authorities deal with him, you need to rebuild your life now and without him in it. He's dragged you down into his pit, do not grow flowers in the hole he dug for you.

Please call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247; they can and will help you. They have seen all this before and can help you.

ALaughAMinute · 30/05/2015 20:17

You've been through enough pain, please don't go back to him. X

lovemenot · 30/05/2015 20:20

Don't do it. I went back. Worst mistake ever.

I'm so sorry you lost your daughter, I can't imagine anything worse. But don't let your grief and loneliness put you in a situation that will not improve your life.

twistletonsmythe · 30/05/2015 20:22

cycle of abuse - he will be horrid again once he has you where he wants you. Please don't go back. Please call Women's Aid.

LaBette001 · 30/05/2015 20:22

I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself xxxx

Original poster
purplepavements · 30/05/2015 20:24

how do I know he hasn't changed? I just want to not feel like dying the whole time

OP posts:
twistletonsmythe · 30/05/2015 20:25

because abusers don't change is the simple answer. Was he arrested for hurting you? Have you got any support?

ALaughAMinute · 30/05/2015 20:27

Why you would even consider going back to an abusive relationship, do you think it might be anything to do with your daughter's death? Have you been offered any counselling?

Hassled · 30/05/2015 20:27

All this unhappiness you're feeling now will get better in time. It'll get easier. But if you go back, sooner or later you know you'll have to leave again and then you'll be right back to the start of the unhappiness - you'll be even further away from the getting easier stage. So ride it out - and stop seeing him, stop all contact. Don't give him the opportunity to pretend to be nice to you - it's just messing with your head.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 30/05/2015 20:31

Please please x 1,000,000 pleases. Do not go back into this Relationship. To want to go back you either feel like you don't deserve any better or quite frankly you want the status of having man hanging off your arm, I don't want to cause you upset but why would you want to go back to such a horrible situation
Sorry about the loss of your lovely daughter. Think what she would say to you. Would she want you to go back. I very much doubt it.

kickassangel · 30/05/2015 20:36

The majority of abusers get considerably worse if you go back to them. They often begin to include the children as they get older. Your daughter will also accept abuse as normal for a relationship and copy that allow it in hers.

You really can make it on your own, and how you are feeling is just part of getting over the abuse, like having a crappy hangover. It will get better, particularly as you start to get your own life established. Do something nice for yourself today, just a small thing, then remember that you wouldn't be able to do that with your ex.

ihave2naughtydogs · 30/05/2015 20:36

I am very sorry about your Daughter. Please dont go back to this man, he is trying to charm you back. They dont change , the nastiness is always there under the surface , ready for the next outburst x

kickassangel · 30/05/2015 20:39

Oh gosh, sorry I missed the post about your daughter. Can you speak to your go about grievance counseling? You are likely to be suffering from that as much as anything. Be kind to yourself. If he's out on a tag he really isn't safe for you to go back to.

GoatsDoRoam · 30/05/2015 20:44

Oh you poor soul. I am so incredibly sorry for your pain and your loss. Of course you feel like dying, as you say: the pain of losing your daughter is immense. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Going back to your ex won't make the pain go away. In fact, no person on this earth can make that pain go away. Only time, and being kind to yourself, can achieve that.

(It will not be a kindness to yourself to return to an abusive man.)

You do need support, though. That much is true. So, where can you best find it?

  • Do you have good trusted friends you can phone, or spend a day out with? Friends who won't mind if you just need entertaining to keep your mind off things, and who also won't mind if you need to weep?
  • Do you have a counselor, to talk through your grief, and your extreme loneliness that is making you consider returning to your ex?
  • Do you have a hobby you love, that you can spend some time on, ideally in a group?
  • Are you eating well, sleeping 8 hours a night, exercising?

Time will heal, Purple. It will. Time, and taking good care of yourself.

Take care of yourself
x