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Original poster

Going back to an abusive relationship

739 replies

purplepavements · 30/05/2015 20:02

Hi
I have namechanged as I wanted to hear advice and maybe experiences without people having the info from my previous thread.
I am seriously considering going back to my ex. I feel like it's safer and easier to be back with him. He never hurt my dd and she's the only one I really care about. Has anyone had any good experience of going back because since leaving him I just feel shitter than ever.
Tia

OP posts:
Original poster
purplepavements · 31/05/2015 02:25

She was 27 months

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 31/05/2015 02:34

Such a beautiful and interesting age.Sad If you don't mind my asking Purple, what was she like?

Aussiemum78 · 31/05/2015 02:41

You poor thing.

How long have you been separated? You are going through the two most stressful events a person can bear. It's why you feel like you are falling apart, you will feel this way until you start to heal.

If you go back you will feel this way forever....

Try reading about Stockholm syndrome. You might find it resonates with the turmoil in your mind right now.

counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/stockholm/

You need to build a team. Family, friends, neighbours, doctor, counsellor, social worker....your first priority to ease your loneliness is to seek out support. Your isolation is magnifying your feelings that you need this man.

Aussiemum78 · 31/05/2015 02:43

The police officer may also be able to point you in the direction of a social worker. Or a doctor.

Please make a call to someone and tell them you aren't coping.

Original poster
purplepavements · 31/05/2015 02:48

She was funny and she loved buses, green things, washing up, dancing and baths. She was small for her age. She was my favourite person in the whole world.

OP posts:
Original poster
purplepavements · 31/05/2015 02:50

I will try to tomorrow speak to someone. he just sent me a message .

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 31/05/2015 03:04

She sounds like a right character.Smile. Are you small Purple?

differentnameforthis · 31/05/2015 03:18

OP, for give me if you have said this...it's isn't clear...

But was your baby his baby too?

If so, could you be contemplating going back so you still have a connection to her?

Going back won't help, whether or not he is the father. Things will get worse.

lunar1 · 31/05/2015 03:33

He won't change. He will have moments of seeming like he might but that's how abusers get away with it for so long. He will be able to put on a decent front for a day or two, maybe even a week or so. But it won't be permanent, he will go back to his true self again and repeat the same behaviour as before.

I'm so sorry to read about your daughter. I hope you find a way through this that doesn't involve your ex.

however · 31/05/2015 04:06

If he hurt you. Then he hurt her. Very badly. He abused you both.

Don't have a baby with this man. Is that what you were thinking? To have another child? So you're not alone?

Heal yourself so you can be happy on your own. THEN think about a partner, and maybe, more children.

I say this with all the kindness in the world.

ASAS · 31/05/2015 06:53

Are you there purple? That's ok that he sent you a message, we're sending you messages too :) and there are lots of us so there will be lots of messages. Remember you've said 2 important things, you don't truly want him back and you want to be safe. You won't be safe with him.

LoveLetters · 31/05/2015 07:44

I had an abusive ex. Felt like you, that I would just go back. Then suddenly this amazing man walked into my life. I'd probably be dead right now if I had gone back. Stay strong! A better plan is waiting for you

ALaughAMinute · 31/05/2015 08:00

Purple, you are going through unimaginable pain and need help. You are also in danger of going back to an abusive relationship and making the worst mistake in your life. There are people out there that can help you:

Talk to Woman's Aid again.
Talk to your GP.

How are you today?
You said your ex sent you a message, is he pressurising you to go back to him?

GoatsDoRoam · 31/05/2015 08:11

Your daughter sounds lovely. Your description of her in your post last night has made me cry.

I am very glad to hear that you are going to speak to somebody today. You are not alone, Purple. I know you feel alone, and tbh we all do, at times. We are human and need connection, all of us. You are going through such a hard time, and you are isolated, and that paradoxically makes it even harder to reach out to people and feel connected again.

But you have reached out to us, already. That's a great start. If you think that counseling or WA or Samaritans can help you through these crisis moments, then try them again. Medium and long-term, you can work to build acquaintances (at work, at hobbies, on your street...) into friendships. Just by speaking to people when you see them, building on your past conversations, suggesting meetups, eventually... It takes time, but there are people all around you. Most of them are friendly, it just takes a little bit of time and investment to get to know someone.

I really feel for you, and wish you well.

BeaufortBelle · 31/05/2015 08:19

Purple you need help and support. Do you have any family?

Please can you get to your GP or even out of hours to let them know how you are feeling?

I can appreciate your feelings and how desperate you feel but if you go back to this man then he will repeat his behaviour. You can't change the past but you can make sure that you have a better future. There is much love in the world and some of it will find its way to you. I understand how losing a child makes you feel you need to be punished but it isn't what you need at all. Time and kindness will heal and you must give yourself the time to heal because eventually it will and the days will get better again.

Tell us a bit about yourself - where are you (roughly), how old are you and what you could do today to help the hours pass.

Isetan · 31/05/2015 09:28

He wasn't being nice because he wanted to comfort you, he's an abuser, your pain is an opportunity. Being nice to you is bait, you're supposed to bite and he'd reel you in and then cycle of shit would start again and deep down you know this. The cycle of abuse only stops when you break it, by getting out and staying out.

You're grieving and your grieving for a child, I can not fathom or would I ever want to imagine, what hell that must be. You don't want to go back, you want an escape from the utter despair that is losing a child. You want to feel loved and wanted, like she loved and wanted you but even temporarily, this poor excuse for a man can not do that.

He raped you, he beat you and cheated on you, isn't the mother of your daughter worth more than that? Honour your daughter by being kind to her mother and the only true way of doing that, is being the best person you can and that can not happen if you are still being abused.

Your worth more, I know it, your daughter knew it and now it's time you caught up.

If you have no one in RL to support you, stay with us.

Original poster
purplepavements · 31/05/2015 09:46

I don't know what to say honestly but thank you for messaging me.

OP posts:
Solo · 31/05/2015 10:57

How are you feeling today purple? were you able to get some sleep?

Original poster
purplepavements · 31/05/2015 17:01

I am really wanting to be back with him. I'm worthless and I don't deserve any better. I miss him. Had a dream about dd when I slept for two hours.

OP posts:
FlabulousChix · 31/05/2015 17:05

But your child sees it. That's you abusing your child by allowing her to see it. Personally if you put your child in that situation you are basically and unfit parent. You have a choice your child doesn't

FlabulousChix · 31/05/2015 17:06

Why do you want to go back are you that lonely you will allow your child to suffer? Kids come first your wants and needs second that's how it is when you have children

Original poster
purplepavements · 31/05/2015 17:13

I don't have my daughter with me anymore

OP posts:
Noneedtoworryatall · 31/05/2015 17:18

I went back, many times and it just got worse.

I think the loss of your daughter is the real problem here and I'm so sorry for your loss xx

kickassangel · 31/05/2015 18:07

However painful it is, it is good to dream about your daughter, think and talk about her. She is an important part of your life.

Have you tried reading/posting on the bereavement boards? I don't know if it will help you, but you will find other posters there who will understand how you feel. Keep posting here if you want to, or just write your feelings and thoughts down if it helps you just to get them out of your head.

There are also charities that can offer some counseling and support for you. It can take a few tries to find the right kind of support, but know that it is OK to reach out and ask. You are in a very lonely and difficult place, and getting some help is highly appropriate.

ASAS · 31/05/2015 18:21

Flab, read the thread please

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