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Original poster

Going back to an abusive relationship

739 replies

purplepavements · 30/05/2015 20:02

Hi
I have namechanged as I wanted to hear advice and maybe experiences without people having the info from my previous thread.
I am seriously considering going back to my ex. I feel like it's safer and easier to be back with him. He never hurt my dd and she's the only one I really care about. Has anyone had any good experience of going back because since leaving him I just feel shitter than ever.
Tia

OP posts:
mrstweefromtweesville · 30/05/2015 20:49

I'm sorry for your loss.
Don't go back.

springydaffs · 30/05/2015 20:51

Oh darling. You must be in so much pain. I'm so sorry you lost your daughter (((hug)))

No, don't go back. As others are saying, abusers don't change, they get worse. You must long for comfort - but, sadly, you won't get it from him. It may look now like you will, but you won't. I'm so sorry.

Does your GP support you? You need good, solid support as you go through the grief - as well as the 'withdrawals' from an abusive relationship ((another HUG)). call Women's Aid (at night, lines busy during the day) 0808 2000 247 - they will direct you to appropriate support.

Thinking of you. Take care Flowers

ASAS · 30/05/2015 21:11

Please keep talking here. A lot of us here are quite lonely, it can help.

You are in the midst of every parent's worst nightmare. How did you feel about your ex before you saw him yesterday? When was the last time someone else was 'nice' to you, as you put it.

Please come back OP.

Original poster
purplepavements · 30/05/2015 21:26

I am still reading. I just don't know what to say or do. thank you for your messages

OP posts:
ouryve · 30/05/2015 21:30

He's not sorry. It is all bullshit.

And if you've left and gone back again, he will know that the pull is stronger and will abuse you all the harder and more cruelly.

How the hell can you genuinely care for someone who treats you like that?

ouryve · 30/05/2015 21:35

He is not worthy of the void the loss of your DD has left, btw. I agree with others asking if you've had any sort of grief counselling because your DD will have left a very painful hole in your life. I'm concerned that you might be confusing that feeling of loss with missing the romantic fairytale that you deep down hoped your relationship with your ex may become but never achieved.

ASAS · 30/05/2015 21:55

Do you want to post about your daughter?

ALaughAMinute · 30/05/2015 21:56

OP, could it be that you want to unite with your ex so you can grieve the loss of your daughter together? Do you feel as if he is the only person who truly understands what you are going through?

Please believe me when I say it will not be safer or easier to go back to an abusive relationship. If you go back to your ex it may help you in the short-term (although this is doubtful) but it will cause you more pain in the longer-term. Give yourself time to heal and surround yourself with people who love you and who are kind to you.

Talk to a counsellor or a friend but please don't go back to an abusive relationship.

Original poster
purplepavements · 30/05/2015 22:14

I don't think I do want to be with him. Truthfully. I can't stand the silence and it's scary trying to deal with my own feelings When he's not here being angry. he was horrible 99 percent of the time. I know that. He got arrested for beating me up. He cheated on me constantly and made me think it was my fault. He hugged me and cried after she died bit the rest of the time he was just shit. Realistically I know all of this but I just want to be with him. It feels safer there than by myself. I miss him. My dd died January 2014. I had some counselling but I didn't get far with it.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 30/05/2015 22:21

Why didn't you get far with counselling? If you didn't gel with the counsellor, try another; or an org more suited to what you're going through.

Horrific to hear how bad the abuse was. It is not unusual to be almost addicted to an abuser - I was addicted to mine. Its hard to break that pull but you must: he will destroy you if you go back to him

LurcioAgain · 30/05/2015 22:22

So sorry to hear about your daughter. Flowers

Would it help you to talk about why you feel unsafe being by yourself? Get your fears out in the open, have a think about which ones make sense and which ones are maybe you letting things get out of proportion in your mind because you've been through such an awful time? Maybe we could help you think out some strategies.

Original poster
purplepavements · 30/05/2015 22:22

I can't face speaking to anyone about her. She's mine. she's the only one he didn't hurt. I want to keep her safe

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/05/2015 22:30

if your daughter had lived, what do you think she would say about you going back to your abuser ?

could you stay away to honour her....imagine her in a relationship like this and apply that kindness and respect to yourself because you deserve it Thanks

twistletonsmythe · 30/05/2015 22:31

So sorry. You deserve so much more than him. Have you ever spoken to Women's Aid or done the Freedom Programme.

doubleshotespresso · 30/05/2015 22:33

OP so sorry to read about your loss.

In answer to your thread question, this is big fat no....and never.

This is the time to remember the abuse, the explaining to police, medical professionals, friends,family, work colleagues and how that ultimately made you feel and how long it took to get back to yourself following this.

Do not be tempted to give him that power again.

You are worth so much more than that. And in time, silence is golden!

My very best wishes....

AnyFucker · 30/05/2015 22:35

op, your time with him reminds you of your daughter ?

keep her memory safe by keeping yourself safe

TendonQueen · 30/05/2015 22:38

You could try Cruse? They are a bereavement charity who do counselling, so maybe a phone conversation with people who understand losing a child would be easier? Don't go back to him. You deserve more.

Original poster
purplepavements · 30/05/2015 23:18

I think I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared to lose people. He cheated so openly and beat me up and raped me but it's what I know and it meant I wasn't alone. All I think about is my baby and how alone I feel. I want to be back in something that's predictable. I would never have wanted my girl to be with someone like him no. But I will ruin it all if I'm by myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
purplepavements · 30/05/2015 23:20

I have spoken to women's aid once. I have also spoken to samaritans a few times since I left. But it just never seems to help. I have one friend but she hasn't spoken to me in a while. I just feel so isolated.

OP posts:
TracyBarlow · 30/05/2015 23:27

Tell us about your daughter purple. What was she like?

I am sure she would have wanted the very best for her lovely mum. There is someone out there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. Of that I am sure.

Your abusive ex is not the man for you. You know that in your heart, which is why you have posted here. He will only make the pain worse in the long run. Lots of love to you purple. It may not feel like it but there are many people here who want things to be better for you xx

Original poster
purplepavements · 30/05/2015 23:51

But maybe if I am better then he will be nicer? I don't want to be with him when he's horrible but if he can change then I can be ok with him. My daughter was beautiful. I'm not good enough to talk about her anymore. I need to keep her safe in my head

OP posts:
Jackw · 31/05/2015 00:07

Nope, he won't be nicer. He wasn't abusive because you weren't "better". He was abusive because he is abusive and always will be. Nope, he won't change. Your daughter was beautiful. You are good enough. You can keep her safe in your head.

ASAS · 31/05/2015 00:09

Ok, keep her safe in your head Flowers

Let's talk about you. He raped you. So maybe if you are "better" he will be "nicer" as you put it above. But maybe if you don't go back to him in time you'll meet someone who's never raped you and is nice to you when you're "better or worse", you could marry him one day saying those vows. That could be what you get used to in the future.

Where do you live non-specifically? Are you in Scotland?

Original poster
purplepavements · 31/05/2015 02:17

I just want to be safe.i m in England

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 31/05/2015 02:24

Purple, how old was your daughter when she died?Thanks