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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going back to an abusive relationship

739 replies

purplepavements · 30/05/2015 20:02

Hi
I have namechanged as I wanted to hear advice and maybe experiences without people having the info from my previous thread.
I am seriously considering going back to my ex. I feel like it's safer and easier to be back with him. He never hurt my dd and she's the only one I really care about. Has anyone had any good experience of going back because since leaving him I just feel shitter than ever.
Tia

OP posts:
Original poster
purplepavements · 01/06/2015 17:15

I don't know I just needed to go home I just left. I know I shouldn't go back but I don't know if I'm strong enough not to

OP posts:
twistletonsmythe · 01/06/2015 17:18

sorry - saying have to sounds harsh. I think you should give a statement and you are plenty strong enough.

Original poster
purplepavements · 01/06/2015 17:30

I just want a hug I just don't want to be by myself it's too scary

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 01/06/2015 17:31

Purple, it is truly shocking that he came to your work.

I'm pleased to hear that people at work reacted by calling the police. Please give them a statement: this is for your own protection. You need to help yourself, love, because you are worth protecting.

GoatsDoRoam · 01/06/2015 17:34

You are not by yourself:

The people at work had your back, by calling the police.
The women on this thread are here for you, and we want the best for you in these hard times for you.
The GP will see you and will be able to offer help with your dark thoughts if you ask for it.
There are services like Women's Aid and the Freedom Programme who are there to support women like you, if you reach out to them.

You are not alone.

twistletonsmythe · 01/06/2015 17:34

you're not by yourself - we are here. Being with him is far more scary than being alone, it really really is. You are just so conditioned to it you can't see it.

Many of us escaped abusive relationships. I have been by myself for 4 years now and most certainly am not lonely. I do miss having a partner sometimes, but I certainly don't miss him. Please don't confuse the 2.

GoatsDoRoam · 01/06/2015 17:40

Since you're home, do something nice for yourself: a cup of your favourite tea in your favourite mug, watch a favourite show, ...

I am concerned that he will try to come to your home next, though. How can you protect yourself if he turns up? Do you have a chain on the door, a charged phone to call 999?

BeaufortBelle · 01/06/2015 19:06

Just try and be kind to yourself. What did he do that prompted your work to call the police? He isn't good news darling.

There will be better hugs from better people for the rest of your life if you can just give yourself time to heal.

Sending lots of virtual hugs )))((( ))))((( )))((( )))(((

Starlightbright1 · 01/06/2015 19:39

Ok...I am going to say something you don't want to hear and probably won't believe because I am a stranger on the intent and I don't know him..

This man does not love you, he cannot give you the love you are craving. You want the unconditional cuddle from your DD...He is using how vunerable you are at the moment to control you.

You need to make the statement because what is doing is wrong. He should not be near you and this could escalate if he thinks he can get away with coming to work.

I urge you to speak to Women's aid. A lot of what he is doing is text book. He wants you to think you deserve no better, if you had done this or that it wouldn't of happened.

I am glad you are getting into the doctors.

I also think put good movie, favourite TV program. a hot chocolate and duvet on the sofa ..Do not let him in your house. If he turns up call the police

BeaufortBelle · 01/06/2015 20:38

starlightbright is right you know.

Original poster
purplepavements · 01/06/2015 22:07

I miss her so, so much

OP posts:
Mandatorymongoose · 01/06/2015 22:20

Oh Purple of course you do Thanks she sounds lovely and I can hear when you talk about her how much you love her.

Original poster
purplepavements · 01/06/2015 22:23

He is a link to her I guess. I don't really have anyone else who has a link to her like that. he keeps calling so I guess he is out.

OP posts:
BeaufortBelle · 01/06/2015 22:27

Please ignore him.

Original poster
purplepavements · 01/06/2015 22:30

I am just so weak. I know I will end up back with him so I am struggling to bother staying away. I know logically what to do but it seems useless

OP posts:
Original poster
purplepavements · 01/06/2015 22:40

I'm sorry I know how stupid I am

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 01/06/2015 22:42

Those feelings of hopelessness are just the depression talking, purple.

None of us here believe that it is hopeless.

I'm incredibly sorry that you're feeling so low, because I know how hard it is to keep going when you're feeling like that. But these feelings are not you. When they lift and they will it will seem straightforward again to stay away from people who hurt you.

Right now, you are being incredibly strong and brave, because you are staying away from him, even though the self-destructive part of you wants to give in.

LadyBlaBlah · 01/06/2015 23:19

You are not stupid, you are sad.

We all need comfort purple, it's just the 'comfort' he is offering you will not comfort you in any positive way and we, us fellow women, many who have experienced men like him, know what he will actually do to you and we don't want that.

Have the police been in touch?

What do you have to do tomorrow? Do you have anyone at work who you can confide in? HR? A manager? A colleague?

How do you feel about calling Women's Aid? They are all women, like us, who will understand that you might waver about going back, and will not judge you for that but may give you some strength to stay away another day, which will soon turn into a week, and soon turn into a month.

You can do this. You need him for nothing.

Your link to your daughter could be a visit to her grave? Write her a letter? Send off a balloon? Have one of her pictures framed? Create some new links to her if you can.

Practically, you need some help. This does not make you weak, it just makes you human. Are you prepared to say you need some help to the doctor or women's aid?

sadwidow28 · 01/06/2015 23:51

Purple you are in deep, deep grief. I can feel it coming through your words. You need medical intervention and counselling urgently so I am pleased that you have made an appointment with your GP. However, I don't think it is soon enough. Can you call again in the morning and ask for an emergency appointment that day?

This man won't make you feel better, or any closer to your DD. He simply isn't capable of loving and supporting you in the way you need. Your head will get scrambled as you try to appease him, and you need your head space to process the many stages of grief. They are not linear, you sometimes have to re-visit one stage several times but eventually (with help) you can reach ACCEPTANCE. That doesn't mean that you will stop loving your DD, that never goes. But it does mean that you will be able to think about her without that terrible, dragging feeling of sorrow and desperate loss.

Can you speak to friends or your work colleagues - or have they assumed that you are 'getting over it'?

Keep posting on this thread for as long as you need to.

BeaufortBelle · 02/06/2015 08:53

Good morning Purple. I hope you got some rest last night and are feeling reasonable this morning. I think sadwidow is right and that you should call the doctor again. If you can't get an appointment with your own doctor, is there a walk in centre you could go to to get some help.

Another thought is that you must have had a health visitor when your dd was alive. Could you call her and tell her how you are feeling and see if she can escalate an appointment with the GP for you. She will also have information about dealing with dv and be able to put you in touch with local support groups.

knowledgeispower · 02/06/2015 09:03

Good morning purple. Just remember that there are people here who are thinking of you. Also...

There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely.

This man will not make you feel any better.

Make contact with the doctor's surgery today and try and get an emergency appointment. You don't have to explain. Just tell them its urgent.

bunchoffives · 02/06/2015 09:31

Purplepavements, I am so sorry for your loss. Your little dd sounds like she was a beautiful girl and your love for her shines through your posts about her. Flowers

I think it is a deep-rooted instinct to return to the place you felt closest to the person you've lost in the hope of gaining some comfort through your grief.

In your case though that would obviously be dangerous.

The best place for you now would be a refuge. You wouldn't be lonely, you would get support, and above all you would be safe. Away from him and his intimidation.

Please ring the number below and ask for a refuge place today. Please stay safe.

National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247

Original poster
purplepavements · 02/06/2015 11:38

He's come to my house he's sitting in my room I feel so confused

OP posts:
twistletonsmythe · 02/06/2015 11:41

call the police now

BeaufortBelle · 02/06/2015 11:44

Ring the police and then the number bunchoffives has given you.

You are worth more Tha this and he has overstepped the line.

He is messing with your head and this is harassment. Put 999 on your phone, ask him to leave and if he kicks off hit call.

This can only go one way lovely and it's the wrong way. Whatever you do though we are always here for you x