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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going back to an abusive relationship

739 replies

purplepavements · 30/05/2015 20:02

Hi
I have namechanged as I wanted to hear advice and maybe experiences without people having the info from my previous thread.
I am seriously considering going back to my ex. I feel like it's safer and easier to be back with him. He never hurt my dd and she's the only one I really care about. Has anyone had any good experience of going back because since leaving him I just feel shitter than ever.
Tia

OP posts:
ASAS · 31/05/2015 18:23

You called the police. You left, purple. Very much a fit and loving parent.

Original poster
purplepavements · 31/05/2015 18:45

I'm not though am I. She's right

OP posts:
ASAS · 31/05/2015 18:57

Flab will be back to confirm you very much are, we all want to keep you safe, she won't have had time to read the whole thread atm but didn't want to read and run. Honestly, you'll see in a bit.

If you're associating wanting to go back with not feeling good enough you're acknowledging how badly he'll treat you.

What did you do today?

Original poster
purplepavements · 31/05/2015 19:08

I cleaned some. But I cried lots. I miss him. I spoke to him once today and he was crying and saying he just loves me. And if I have realised that I wind him up we can be okay.

OP posts:
twistletonsmythe · 31/05/2015 19:16

no - his behaviour is not due to you winding him up. It is not your fault and you don't deserve it. You mustn't even talk to him. Does he have bail conditions to leave you alone?

BeaufortBelle · 31/05/2015 19:16

If you realise how much you wind him up? That's a massive red flag my love.

You are hurting and you need time and good care to help you to recover. He us really not going to provide you with that. A momentary shag and cuddle up perhaps and then he will get violent again.

It really isn't worth it for momentary relief. You are,worth much more than this and need to repair yourself so you can move on to better things.

Please don't let him suck you in. Go to the GP tomorrow and line up some professional support. If you are in SW London I'll cone with you even x

Original poster
purplepavements · 31/05/2015 19:18

I just want to be safe and not alone. His bail conditions say he can't contact me but he's right I am horrible if I'm not then he won't be angry any more

OP posts:
BeaufortBelle · 31/05/2015 19:24

You are safe on your own. You will not be safe with him. He's got bail conditions saying he can't contact you. Think about why?

Where's your mum, your sisters, your wider family?

You are worth more than this man. An hours affection won't make you feel better tomorrow or next week. You'll still feel bad, worse because you will have likely been beaten up again.

Telling you that violence is your fault is abusive. Don't let him do that. Delete him. Flush your phone down the loo and get a new number if he's telling you things like that x

Original poster
purplepavements · 31/05/2015 19:27

I can't just delete him from my life there's just no way I can. I have no one apart from him. I'm scared by how consumed I am by him but I don't know how to change it. It feels inevitable

OP posts:
twistletonsmythe · 31/05/2015 19:35

you need to tell the police he is breaking bail conditions.

HermioneWeasley · 31/05/2015 19:44

Saw this today purple. I think it is for you.

There are so many women on MN who have felt as you do about yourself, but there is life after him and an abusive man is NEVER the answer and NEVER better than being alone. He is pretending to be nice, sensing you are low, and then it's back to the same old shit.

You are better than that. You are worth more than that.

And I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. Flowers

Going back to an abusive relationship
BeaufortBelle · 31/05/2015 20:17

Please love, get through tonight and make an appointment to see your doctor tomorrow. If you are in SW London I'll come with you and sit with you while you contact Women's aid and get in touch with some bereavement counsellors. Honestly, I'm not at work tomorrow and could give you a couple of hours. Hoping beyond hope you might accept my offer.

Original poster
purplepavements · 31/05/2015 21:20

Thank you for your offer I am in a different bit of London I need to see my doctor but I checked online and they don't have any appointments for 2 weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
purplepavements · 31/05/2015 21:32

I just want it to feel better.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 31/05/2015 21:39

It will feel better, purple. In time, and bit by bit.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, love.

Original poster
purplepavements · 31/05/2015 21:50

He said I should go and see him. I don't know what to do and I don't want him to get angry if I don't go but I also don't know if he's angry now. I don't know

OP posts:
Starlightbright1 · 31/05/2015 21:53

Purple - You have lost your DD and I am very sorry for that.

You sound like you are really struggling with her loss right that and I urge you to get help for that whether through the GP , or any other avenue's. Phone up GP and tell them you need an emergency appointment you don't have to wait 2 weeks.

You say you only have one friend..Do you work? is there some way of getting out the house either to volunteer college course, exercise group so you are with other people.

As for contact with Ex I am going to be blunt he knows you are vulnerable and his current attention is to get you not to testify against him. He is already trying to tell you it is your fault.

I also need to say he may not of physically hurt your daughter but living in the home with DV is damaging to children....I have also been there and understand now I am out of it.

You have a lot of grief to deal with...You could also post about your DD on the bereavement board

Starlightbright1 · 31/05/2015 21:55

Report these messages to the police...You are in fear of upsetting him not even back together..

Original poster
purplepavements · 31/05/2015 22:08

I'm just rubbish. I want to fix it.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 31/05/2015 22:16

You are not rubbish.

And you can't fix him, or your relationship with him (he broke that).

You can fix the fact that you feel that you are rubbish, though.

But mostly, you can just be very very kind to yourself, for now. You deserve it, Purple. I'm sending you a big hug over the internet right now. You are a lovely, lonely, human being going through a very hard time, and my heart goes out to you.

It will get better, love. Please be strong, and be your own best friend.

How can we best help you?

Lucy61 · 31/05/2015 22:23

Bad idea, purple. Don't do it. Sorry you lost our daughter but your grief is not a good reason or excuse to get back with him.

twistletonsmythe · 31/05/2015 22:36

please report him to the police again. Let them deal with his anger, it isn't your fault or your problem. And if you see him you will just end up scared and hurt again.

ASAS · 31/05/2015 23:12

Which part of London are you in?

ASAS · 31/05/2015 23:22

Purple there's a thread reallytired posted in AIBU, I think you might find a lot of people who've made it to the light at the end of the tunnel there regarding your ex. Maybe pop over to see you aren't alone.

Rudawakening · 31/05/2015 23:33

Purple you are not rubbish and you are not a bad mum, and you most definitely DO NOT deserve his treatment, now or ever.

The pain he causes you won't take away the pain of your little girls death, it won't feel any better with him, just worse.

Please please call your Gp in the morning and ask for an emergency appointment.

Also keep talking, everyone here is listening and willing to help.

Keep telling yourself 'I don't really want him back' repeat like a mantra whenever you're wavering.