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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

3rd letter from my in laws!!!! omfg!!!

372 replies

inmyshoos · 01/05/2015 14:59

For anyone who might remember my previous posts from my fil I wanted to share the 3rd which arrived today!!! I think i might explode if i dont share it with someone!!

Dear shoos and dhofshoos,
I wrote to you on 10/2/2015 asking you to detail what you consider the problems are between the four of us; and again on the 25/3/2015 asking you both if you wished to be involved in a number of family events that will be happening this year, and also asking you to consider allowing the dc to be included in these family occasions. To date i have received no reply.
Therefore not having received the courtesy of replies to my letters, I can only assume that you both wish to sever all ties with us.
However our door will remain open, but, remember, the longer the door remains open the colder the house becomes.
There are no winners in this situation, only losers. There are losses in the short term and lisses in the long term.
I hope this finds you both well and that your futures are secure.
Regards fil/dad
P.s we will be passing through your area on return from a holiday on the 20th may if you would like to meet us for something to eat?
Pps Give the dc our love.

OMG please someone hit me with a stick! I don't know if i want to laugh or cry!!!

OP posts:
Ilovenannyplum · 01/05/2015 15:01

'There are no winners in this situation'
Confused

You sound MUCH better off without them

Whitershadeofpale · 01/05/2015 15:04

Is it just me or does that read like a veiled threat re: inheritance if you continue to cut contact?

SavoyCabbage · 01/05/2015 15:08

I remember both your previous threads. You just have to keep up with the ignoring. But you know that already!

ImperialBlether · 01/05/2015 15:10

Definitely an inheritance threat there!

Love that line though: the longer the door is open, the colder the house becomes.

He also hopes your futures are secure (without the inheritance.)

Is this where you say he's in his 50s?

gamerchick · 01/05/2015 15:12

Keep it up man... You may get another one asking to go eat but hopefully they'll get the message after that.

FenellaFellorick · 01/05/2015 15:15

I remember your other threads! It's clearly driving them crazy that they are not in control of this situation and cannot do that 'sit you down and describe to you all the ways in which you are dreadful' thing they want to do.

Carry on ignoring. Who cares if there's no inheritance or they close the door forever? you don't want them in your life anyway for - as I recall from your other threads - perfectly valid reasons. They assume you are a vile creature who will come running for cash. pfft. That's so insulting.

Watch out for them showing up on your doorstep!

DayLillie · 01/05/2015 15:16

Do you think he is going to send these out at regular intervals?

Twinklestein · 01/05/2015 15:16

It's definitely a threat.

That aside, I think the no reply advice is odd, there's no reason why you can't email them so they know where they stand.

foolonthehill · 01/05/2015 15:18

maybe don't read/open the next letter....you don't have to!

FenellaFellorick · 01/05/2015 15:19

The backstory is huge though, isn't it? She didn't just decide to not reply. From the previous threads, replying and engaging just doesn't go well. They want to make the op justify themselves and the opportunity to decide whether the op is allowed to feel the way she feels. Replying has, up to now, only ended badly for the op.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/05/2015 15:22

I see you've got another letter from your gruesome FIL and his enabler wife. Balls to the pair of them

I also think there is a veiled disinheritance threat in that letter. That is yet another tactic used in the toxic parents arsenal against their adult "errant" offspring and spouse.

Just ignore this again like you did with the other two. I would consider now shredding it if you have not already done so as that gives it less power; it is NOT worth at all engaging.

Its all typical toxic parent type stuff - even down to the wording of both postscripts. He still thinks you would want to meet them after all this because they are passing through your area late May, LOL!!!.

Hidingmyidentity · 01/05/2015 15:23

They are your husband's parents surely he could at least reply to them even if it is to tell them not to contact you, if that is what he wants.

I can't remember your previous threads so not sure what they have done.

NotNowBono · 01/05/2015 15:24

I have a very strong mental image of the OP's FIL as a bank manager from a 70s sitcom, who makes his wife/former secretary take down these letters as dictation, then type them up for his signature.

Twinklestein · 01/05/2015 15:25

I know the backstory, I read the previous threads. Personally I would take control of the situation.

Dumbledoresgirl · 01/05/2015 15:26

I admit I have no idea of the back story and I am not asking you to post it as it is clearly too long and involved.

But just reading this letter in isolation, it sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I mean, it is clearly a very tense situation and he has written in a perfectly amicable way. He is right in that there will only be losers in this situation. However, I have no idea what he has done to bring you to this position. If you are determined to have no further contact, could you not at least make that plain? If you don't want to engage, simply seal up the letter again and write 'return to sender' on the envelope.

Just leaving people hanging is unnecessarily cruel imo.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 01/05/2015 15:26

Seems like they're just making efforts to reconcile to me?

Twirlwirlywoo · 01/05/2015 15:27

My favourite line is "the colder the house becomes" Shock

I agree - its so bad its almost laughable - if only to stop your tears OP!

You have come this far - I think I would remain nc.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 01/05/2015 15:27

IMO you should reply one way or the other.
They're making an effort, you're picking their letters to bits to find 'threats' in them, and leaving them with no clue what's going on.

I think you're being cold.

FelicityGubbins · 01/05/2015 15:27

I'm imagining the fil as a Geoffrey Palmer lookalike....

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/05/2015 15:28

Toxic people like this FIL want nothing more than a) a fight and b) the last word. If a fourth letter arrives I would not be at all surprised either.

He desperately wants a reply, this is what he is still waiting for hence the repeated letters. This behaviour is called hoovering. Such letters as well are not sent out of any real concern for the recipients; it is done purely and simply to bring the recipients back into line after they have decided not to contact the senders any longer. Hoovering is manipulation to gain control over your choice to distance yourself.

Engaging at all with such people never works out, contact is what they seek so the door is opened for them to bother them even more.

Vivacia · 01/05/2015 15:28

However our door will remain open, but, remember, the longer the door remains open the colder the house becomes. is my favourite bit.

Do not respond OP.

PeppermintPasty · 01/05/2015 15:29

I remember the other letters. Ignore and vent on here. They are bonkers and this latest letter is very cold and calculated.

DayLillie · 01/05/2015 15:30

If IRC, MIL asked OP what was wrong, OP replied and MIL decided they should not see them any more. FIL seems to have a different picture altogether.

Best off out of it.

DayLillie · 01/05/2015 15:31

I'm imagining the fil as a Geoffrey Palmer lookalike....

I am getting Reggie Perrin Grin

Twinklestein · 01/05/2015 15:33

I respect you Atilla but you do tend to label people toxic and advise NC at the drop of a hat. There are circumstances in which it is advisable - abuse, malice, addiction, criminality etc

These PIL are a bit arsey and a bit silly, but nothing that couldn't be got under control with a bit of firm handling.

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