3rd letter from my in laws!!!! omfg!!!

[inmyshoos]

For anyone who might remember my previous posts from my fil I wanted to share the 3rd which arrived today!!! I think i might explode if i dont share it with someone!!

Dear shoos and dhofshoos,
I wrote to you on 10/2/2015 asking you to detail what you consider the problems are between the four of us; and again on the 25/3/2015 asking you both if you wished to be involved in a number of family events that will be happening this year, and also asking you to consider allowing the dc to be included in these family occasions. To date i have received no reply.
Therefore not having received the courtesy of replies to my letters, I can only assume that you both wish to sever all ties with us.
However our door will remain open, but, remember, the longer the door remains open the colder the house becomes.
There are no winners in this situation, only losers. There are losses in the short term and lisses in the long term.
I hope this finds you both well and that your futures are secure.
Regards fil/dad
P.s we will be passing through your area on return from a holiday on the 20th may if you would like to meet us for something to eat?
Pps Give the dc our love.

OMG please someone hit me with a stick! I don't know if i want to laugh or cry!!!

Real apologies:-

•acknowledge the listener’s experience and feelings
•take responsibility without excuses
•allow both parties the opportunity to focus on the apologizer’s actions without shifting blame
•validate the experience of the listener without diminishing its importance
•do not include the word “but”
•let the listener know they have been heard and considered, and that the apologizer will try not to repeat the mistake

Yet again, there is none of the above from FIL.

I don't see anything in that letter other than an attempt at reconciling with someone who has not replied to earlier efforts. Seems carefully worded to avoid any blame or offence .
If there is something else people should know you should say what it is OP?

All very sad IMO. I agree with mumblechum

They're going to doorstep you on the 20th.

Be OUT.

The backstory to this is pretty massive.

On the surface it's a fairly reasonable letter. But the decision to go NC is NEVER an easy one to arrive at. I don't think op deserves to be told to be nice/polite/civil when there have clearly been sufficient issues to sever all ties with them

Op, just completely ignore this letter and all other that have/may still arrive. Life is too short to put up with toxic shit.

Sounds like a reasonable letter to me too. If the MIL originally said it's better they no longer have a relationship, this seems to be their way of taking that sentiment back.

You've gone NC over unfair treatment of your children. Do you really think it's better for them to have no relationship with their grandparents at all?

Agree Attila

Why include all the formal bits like the dates of previous letter, reiterating what was asked in them?

Are you sure the in laws are not thinking of going down the avenue of applying to the court for permission to seek contact with the grandchildren? These letters would be great "evidence" for them to prove they have reasonably made efforts to arrange contact informally.

That may just be my cynical side showing.

I agree the in laws don't sound that bad and I've read all the threads.

If my son stopped talking to me I'd write three letters!

I think that letter is an honest plea to try to make up. Not a threat at all.

You aren't giving them a chance to atone.
It's up to you if you do give the chance or not, but it's not a weird thing for them to hope for and ask for.

From the opening post of the very first thread:

After years of difficult relationship with in laws we have been nc for past 6 mnths. Mil has been ringing from withheld number leaving arsey tone messages always asking 'could you ring me back'.

Fil just sent a letter. Dh thinks maybe reply. I am not sure. History being that mil and I had a very honest chat and i told her we wanted to be part of their big happy family (they have another son and practically raise his two dc yet rarely even phone us and our 3 dc) Mil told me she hardly knows my dh anymore as he left home so long ago (at 24?! He is 40 now) and that my sil is lovely and easy and very thoughtful and i am not. She said spending time with us just 'doesnt work'. It was all very hurtful and dh and I decided nc was the only way forward. Mil had actually suggested this in the first 5 mins of our chat. Said her and fil had discussed it and that was for best. Now she seems to have changed her mind.

Are you people reading the same letter/s?! The FIL is speaking to his SON and his wife like they are business associates. There is nothing warm, genuine, or olive-branchy about it all. "Get in contact or else."

I'm with Confused. Something weird is afoot.

Spot on Fern.

I also wanted to say that it can be very easy to get carried away with a situation due to the feeling of having the upper hand and Im hoping the OP doesn't end up regretting all of this.

I would meet for the meal on the 20th.

From a post by OP in the second thread:

...my in laws have treated my dc like second class citizens for years. Excluding them without reason and fil being a complete arsehole to my ds. Fil is a control freak and mil has shown herself to be not much better. She is a lovely grandmother to my dh's brother's dc, it doesnt extend to our dc.

I am not reading the same letters or threads as the people who are saying this is ok! Perhaps you've been lucky to not be on the receiving end of stuff like this, I don't know.

This letter is very manipulative IMO.

Why would anyone want anything to do with people who treat them badly? Just because they are family it doesn't magically make it acceptable.

You aren't giving them a chance to atone.

They aren't asking for one. They're asking for the OP to apologise, not offering anything themselves.

"Therefore not having received the courtesy of replies to my letters" is the sort of thing you write to a recalcitrant business debtor or a supplier who has repeatedly failed to deliver, and even then it's pretty strong stuff. To write like that to a relative is just ludicrous, and invites the obvious response of "who the fuck do you think you are?" Even if the OP is beyond unreasonable and in fact malevolent, and the OP's in-laws are saints and angels clad in opalescent light, it's still a ludicrous turn of phrase.

Given writing like a caricature of a 1950s estate manager bringing an errant tenant farmer to heel hasn't worked twice, you'd think he might either moderate his tone or get someone to sub-edit his prose for the third attempt, wouldn't you?

I have read both your previous threads unlike others who have posted.

Do not reply. Ignore.ignore.ignore.

I also agree I would be out on that date which they specified in the letter.

To all those who have read this to be 'reasonable'

Personally, it's what's not been said that speaks volumes I miss you all, we love you, we are so so sorry, please let's resolve this

That's an unreasonable letter.

A reasonable letter would be more like:

Son, we love you. We miss you. Please let us know what we can do to try to make things better. Yours Dad.

For me, I'd opt out of it all, and let DH deal with it.

And I'm getting Francis Urqhuart in House of Cards, played by Ian Richardson.

Well, perhaps the in laws have changed their minds about contact, realised they have made a mistake. I would ask mil again about her comment re no contact, challenge her on it. Personally I would give it a go, see if things had changed.
I personally think it is rude not to reply. Life's too short.

Agree with ignore. But it is a very interesting split response on the thread, isn't it? I'm wondering how many of those in the 'conciliation' camp have experienced genuinely toxic family members (not just difficult/distant etc).

But having said ignore I would absolutely not be able to resist replying to the the longer the door remains open the colder the house becomes with "not to worry - it takes AGES for hell to freeze over."

It's simple what's happened here. MIL suggested NC as a bluff wrongly assuming it would make OP and DH toe the line when they realise the error of their ways. OP called her bluff by default as they wanted to go NC anyway. Now MIL is acting the victim and "oh, how could they?" as treating them like shit, her favourite past-time, has been taken away from her.

So now thinly veiled disinheritence threats are coming. Either you let us treat you like shit or we're cutting you out financially. Cold and calculating people think it is only money that matters.

balia

I don't have any personal experience of this, but I came across this site a couple of days ago and was just thinking of it while reading your post. It goes into the psychology of controlling/narcissistic parents who have been estranged from their adult children. You might find it useful:

www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html

The section on how narcissistic parents just can't process or hear criticism, including the reasons why their children cut off contact with them, might be particularly interesting for you OP and your DH. Plus, it would suggest there's no point trying to reply to any letters or explain to your in-laws why you have cut off contact, because they sadly won't hear it anyway.

www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/summary.html