3rd letter from my in laws!!!! omfg!!!

[inmyshoos]

For anyone who might remember my previous posts from my fil I wanted to share the 3rd which arrived today!!! I think i might explode if i dont share it with someone!!

Dear shoos and dhofshoos,
I wrote to you on 10/2/2015 asking you to detail what you consider the problems are between the four of us; and again on the 25/3/2015 asking you both if you wished to be involved in a number of family events that will be happening this year, and also asking you to consider allowing the dc to be included in these family occasions. To date i have received no reply.
Therefore not having received the courtesy of replies to my letters, I can only assume that you both wish to sever all ties with us.
However our door will remain open, but, remember, the longer the door remains open the colder the house becomes.
There are no winners in this situation, only losers. There are losses in the short term and lisses in the long term.
I hope this finds you both well and that your futures are secure.
Regards fil/dad
P.s we will be passing through your area on return from a holiday on the 20th may if you would like to meet us for something to eat?
Pps Give the dc our love.

OMG please someone hit me with a stick! I don't know if i want to laugh or cry!!!

OK, I have read the original thread. OP and MIL fell out because PIL favour the other grandchildren over hers.

Gosh, I thought they had been guilty of abusing your dh when he was a boy, or something really unforgiveable.

I'm sorry, I'm with Ifyourawizard.

seems reasonable to me.

I have truly unpleasant in laws, but I manage to stay civil with them. They fall out with me for months on end, and when they decide to be friends again I just be polite to them. It's not hard. I just keep them at arms length.

I can't imagine them actually taking the effort to write me one letter, let alone three. Yours must actually want to see you and your children, and it probably costs them a lot inside to keep going after you like this so civilly.

I think that slagging them off for it and posting their letters online for strangers to poke fun at is pretty low.

And all this 'stay strong OP, you're doing well!' I find very unpleasant.

I don't know the backstory either but it seems very sad that there's this rift in the family.

Personally, so long as I didn't have them living next door or anything I'd be at least civil and reasonably friendly.

Life's too short to have enemies imo.

I remember your last post. I'd stick to ignoring it tbh. If that's what you and DH have agreed to do to stop your ILs screwing them up too then stick with it. Iirc MIL basically told you their way or the highway and you both chose the highway?

But if op didn't post the letters everyone would be asking what they said

The thing I find uncomfortable is complete strangers online attributing motives which are far from clear in the letter. Things like this: ' it is done purely and simply to bring the recipients back into line after they have decided not to contact the senders any longer'.

Maybe they want to have a relationship with their grandchildren? They don't seem to get on that well with their son or the OP but, goodness me, aren't there conflicts in every family somewhere? My father hated his parents, with just cause, and even went so far as to change his surname by deed poll, but he still maintained some contact with them so that we, the grandchildren, could have a relationship with them. I loathe my SIL, my own mother doesn't much care for my dh. Civility is maintained.

Not knowing either the OP or her PILs, it is impossible to say who is at most fault here.

"I respect you Atilla but you do tend to label people toxic and advise NC at the drop of a hat. There are circumstances in which it is advisable - abuse, malice, addiction, criminality".

I do not advise NC at the drop of a hat. NC is a decision that is never taken at all lightly and in many cases often happens after a period of low contact and much heartache from the people on the receiving end.

What is this behaviour from FIL then if not deemed abusive or malicious?. MIL told them originally that it was best for them all to have no contact with each other!. Their other grandchildren were continually favoured over OP and her H's own children and that has been happening for some years. Favouritism is very damaging and the effects of that last for years,.

He is writing these letters for a reason (to bring them back into line) and thus not out of any concern or regard for the OP and her H.

Yes that is correct, hoovering and it is also easy to mock when it has not happened to you. I only wish it did only apply to cleaning floors!.

All people who go NC have to put up with know it all's who think that NC is on a whim, or not been thought out properly. It's not an easy decision to make.

I tend to give people the courtesy and respect of being able to decide for themselves if a relationship is too corrosisive to bother continuing with. They know best.

Imagine this the other way around.

'I have fallen out with my in laws. I would like for us to reconcile so decided to write a letter to ask if we could all get back in touch. This was ignored so I wrote a further two polite letters, which were also ignored. I then discovered that my in laws had been posting the letters online as they received them, slagging us off and having complete strangers lining up to poke fun.'

I wonder what the replies would be then....?

And after reading your previous threads, I can confirm that my in laws are MUCH worse. And yet i manage to not facilitate any family feuds.

Well I think you are all being desperately mean about the 'However our door will remain open, but, remember, the longer the door remains open the colder the house becomes.' That's probably the FIL's most cherished phrase!

I can even imagine a little smile playing over his lips as he wrote it. ('That'll tell her.')

(By the way, I make it 3 disinheritance threats and not one.)

I also think the letter sounds perfectly reasonable. In fact, I think I read the letters in the ops previous threads and also thought those letters sounded quite reasonable. I guess whether they are reasonable or not depends hugely on context and what else has been going on.

wizard if you'd told them not to contact you and were then writing to build bridges would you perhaps put something conciliatory in the letter. "I acted in haste and was wrong" or "I'm sorry that we have reached this point"?

These letters never seek conciliation; they seek capitulation.

I don't see any inheritance threat. Just the point being made that this a very serious situation and there won't be any winners.

And even if it was an inheritance threat surely it doesn't matter if the OP wants nothing more to do with her inlaws

I agree with those PP who think the letter sounds reasonable and polite for much the same reasons.

Sorry OP if that's not what you want to hear.

I read your previous posts. I agree, do nothing.

Definitely an inheritance threat in there.

I shouldn't imagine that inheritance threats weigh heavily with the OP but the fact that they might be included by the FIL speaks volumes.

I think it's an appalling letter to have written to your son and daughter in law - although perhaps understandable given the family history.

OP has written about her inlaws over some time now, this is not a recent problem by any means. There is no intention of reconciliation on the part of their inlaws. I maintain the letters are a further way of trying to regain some power and control because of their non response.

It may seem "way out there" to the many people whose wider families simply do not behave like this (and that is because the unit is emotionally a healthy functioning one).