3rd letter from my in laws!!!! omfg!!!

[inmyshoos]

For anyone who might remember my previous posts from my fil I wanted to share the 3rd which arrived today!!! I think i might explode if i dont share it with someone!!

Dear shoos and dhofshoos,
I wrote to you on 10/2/2015 asking you to detail what you consider the problems are between the four of us; and again on the 25/3/2015 asking you both if you wished to be involved in a number of family events that will be happening this year, and also asking you to consider allowing the dc to be included in these family occasions. To date i have received no reply.
Therefore not having received the courtesy of replies to my letters, I can only assume that you both wish to sever all ties with us.
However our door will remain open, but, remember, the longer the door remains open the colder the house becomes.
There are no winners in this situation, only losers. There are losses in the short term and lisses in the long term.
I hope this finds you both well and that your futures are secure.
Regards fil/dad
P.s we will be passing through your area on return from a holiday on the 20th may if you would like to meet us for something to eat?
Pps Give the dc our love.

OMG please someone hit me with a stick! I don't know if i want to laugh or cry!!!

who has put my lovely Mil through a big old pile of shite for nearly 60 years

Why didn't/doesn't she leave? 60 years??

Because that's the right and decent thing to do I presume

I agree with ShirleyBassey'sLoveChild (not a phrase I thought I would utter in my life).

Perhaps my own father colours my opinion (as he doesn't give a rat's arse about us or make any effort), but I rather liked this guy's letter.

He sounds a bit sad. He wants to reconcile. Do that - family is important.

No, he wants them to kow-tow to his demands. He is the important one here, not the OP and her family unit.

What is there to like about this letter (that is a genuine question), is this the sort of letter(s) your own dad would write you even if he could be bothered to make an effort?.

Actually no emotionally healthy person would write such a missive to family members.

Its easier to be in denial and call this a generational issue because that then sits easier in people's minds with their own ideas of "family". Family though are not binding.

Many people cannot or equally will not comprehend that there are families out there who really are as dysfunctional as OPs inlaws clearly are.

He sounds desperate to see them. The last bit about meeting for food - he wants to see his child

I don't know the history. I would bloody love my dad to want to see us. We haven't fallen out as such - but he is a weird cold fish who just isn't interested.

Perhaps my own father colours my opinion (as he doesn't give a rat's arse about us or make any effort), but I rather liked this guy's letter.

Yes, I think you are selling yourself very short if you like this letter. Get some self esteem.

And as for being a generation thing: I'm 40, my parents are late 70s. They'd never send anything like that letter. Despite my mum's failings she is a generous person and my dad, although he doesn't like to talk much and could be seen as a bit distant, would never in a million years write anything like that.
My emotionally abusive grandmother, on the other hand, she could. But not any of the other grandparents who died when I was an adult (they'd be well over 100 by now).

I'm far more likely to be the generation of the FIL than the op, and if I'm way off, my parents and uncles and aunts are certainly of that generation. Not one of them would write a letter like the FIL's, not one. Even the uncle who has refused any computer/technology, who does actually still write letters, not even he would write that letter. Categorically it is not a generational/cultural thing.

I think the poles are a red herring leading up the garden path, ShirleyBassey.

why are people under the impression that it's the OP who wants no more contact?

It's her husband, the in laws' son, who doesn't want more contact!

Exactly Meerka

This is turning out to be a bun fight....

I can completely understand why the OP hasn't posted in a while. Why would you, with some of these replies!

Shirley - I can understand why you think I'm only 25 , as I look so young . But in fact I'm probably nearer the age of the FIL than the Op. And I've never write such a letter . Nor would any of my friends .

It's not about building bridges , it's about seeking to control the oP and her husband by threats . The writer is clearly very angry that they are not doing as they are told .

As somone said down the thread , you get warmer letters from debt collection agencies

I think you are just trying to excuse your own families poor behaviour by arguing, rather abusively , that it's ok or even normal .

*why are people under the impression that it's the OP who wants no more contact?

It's her husband, the in laws' son, who doesn't want more contact!*

It is the letter writers who wanted no contact, and having achieved this, hurting their son in the process, they now want contact again, whilst still making it out to be his/his wife's fault.

It is no wonder the poor man does not want to respond - they have played fast a loose with him and have probably done it all his life. He needs to get on with his own young family now and put them first.

It's very tricky for people like the writer of the letter

They want the power and control of being the perpetrator , but want the sympathy and attention of being the victim . And it's so tricky to be both. Hence all the game playing

yes daylillie it ws the MIL who said unequivocally that it was better to have no more contact. Son tried to talk about it, she said no.

I was sort of taking the view that maybe the FIL regretted that decision and was trying to extend a (weird and distorted) olive branch. But the crucial thing here is the OP's husband. It sounds like they add nothing but confusion and bad feelings to his life - and even if they didn't, it's still his decision.

I'm a mother-in-law and a grandmother as well. I'd be surprised if I were that much younger than the FIL, if at all. Write a letter like that to my own child? I'd as soon cut my arm off. Writing formal letters may be a generational thing, but writing not very veiled threats is an arsehole thing.

the DH is feeling BETTER without his parents in his life. That is all that is relevant here.

he has been terrified of them in the past.

MIL had this snide conversation with shoos for the purpose of either getting her to react, to kick off so she could be blamed for all the ills of the world, or perhaps more likely that she wanted shoos and MrShoos to scurry back to her and grovel some more.

She misjudged it though, and MrShoos and shoos have taken her at her word. FIL may not know what has been said, but clearly something so bad that shoos and MrShoos have stayed silent.

In ALL 3 letters there is not an ounce of concern for them at all, in fact they are saying in the first letter to identify and list the grievances that shoos and MrShoos have with FIL/MIL.

Note here too that the letters are addressed to MrsShoos first, not even then is FIL able to put his son first.

First letter:
Dear inmyshoos/shoosdh,
For some time now mum/mil has been trying to get in touch with you. She has been unsuccessful.
Mil/mum has spoken to me regarding conversations she has had with you Inmyshoos.
It would be most helpful, and would assist me to fully understand what you consider the problem/problems is/are between the four of us; if you could both write to me detailing your grievances. YOUR grievances - when MIL was the one to suggest NC

I will hopefully then fully understand your concerns and attempt to answer those concerns to the best of my abilities. no recognition/responsibility for anything said by MIL - could be that MIL lied, but there is no 2 way communication here

I hope to hear from you, but if not I will write to you both again in a few weeks time. no respect, and a threat of a follow up unless they do what they are told
Regards
fil/dad.

in the second letter, there is the Disappointed, Yes. Surprised, no line. Again, no concern.

IIRC at least one of these letters was sent on signed for/registered mail? or am I confused with another thread?

The 3rd letter ... lets look at that in parts here and show what is really being said, when taken in context:

Dear shoos and dhofshoos, again Mrs before their own son

I wrote to you on 10/2/2015 asking you to detail what you consider the problems are between the four of us; and again on the 25/3/2015 asking you both if you wished to be involved in a number of family events that will be happening this year, and also asking you to consider allowing the dc to be included in these family occasions. To date i have received no reply.

Therefore not having received the courtesy of replies to my letters, I can only assume that you both wish to sever all ties with us. - Threat and emotional blackmail, designed to have victims sucked back into compliance

However our door will remain open, but, remember, the longer the door remains open the colder the house becomes. Threat and emotional blackmail, demonstrating that they have to do what they are told to fast, or lose the opportunity, again designed to have victims sucked back into compliance

There are no winners in this situation, only losers. There are losses in the short term and losses in the long term. Threat of disinheritance and emotional blackmail, designed to have victims sucked back into compliance, again

I hope this finds you both well and that your futures are secure. *HUGE great big elephant of a Threat of disinheritance, there is literally NO other way to take SUCH an odd way of wording this.

Regards fil/dad
P.s we will be passing through your area on return from a holiday on the 20th may if you would like to meet us for something to eat? On the face of it, an innocuous comment, but as in letter 1, it's a I will follow up AGAIN, until you do as you are told, I will contact you on my terms

Pps Give the dc our love. *really? is that where they are on a list of priorities? a PPS?

I find it hard to believe that there are people who still think this letter has been written with love and good intentions, after all that has been said on this thread by those with similar experiences. OP i really hope you and DH are ok

Agree Milly (and PP who have said the same thing). Am genuinely surprised people think the letter writer is being reasonable - that's assuming they aren't being contrary for the sake of it.

My parents are probably around the age of the PIL in this scenario (am guessing mid 60s - mid 70s) -I'm 40. I don't believe for one moment this is a generational thing - that's lazy stereotyping.

Tbh I have what I will politely refer to as a somewhat challenging relationship with my own Dad - even so, I can't imagine him sending a letter like this, ever.

What I always find disappointing with these threads is the attitude of some that we must put up with shit from people because they are family.

Going to re-post this yet again, perfectstorm wrote it and it sums things up perfectly to me:

I will never fathom why blood alone should mean you're forced to let people hurt you over and over again, as long as they aren't physically or sexually abusive. It makes no sense. Life is too short to let bad/damaged people screw with you, no matter who they are, unless they are your own kids. You don't owe anyone else your unconditional love and time. (perfectstorm)

Having been in an abusive relationship, let me state that the physical abuse has few lasting effects when compared to the emotional abuse of sustained, low level, and overt criticism, sniping, and overall negative mind washing.

When it is done by a parent, it conditions us to expect to be hurt. It causes us to be vulnerable to abuse from others, partners etc.

It causes mental health repercussions, Depression, anxiety and the like.

Domestic Abuse kills HUNDREDS of people a year in the UK.

Depression is a serious and life threatening illness.

Having toxic parents can kill. It's THAT serious.

So No; the fact that He/She is Faaaamily is irrelevant.

I TOO am 'Family" and I deserve to be in a nurturing and healthy one.

My dad is early 70's and would write a letter very similar to that (and indeed has done in the past).

My dad is also a financially, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive tosser, who has 4 children who have all given up having anything to do with him, who was estranged from his own parents and brother, and who isolated my mother from her family.

So shoos I'm with all the posters who say ignore, ignore, ignore. If your DH is happier, that's more important to your family than having an unhappy relationship with GPs.

PerfectStorm's quote sums it up perfectly and Hissy lists some of the lasting effects caused by such abuse. Why should anyone have to suffer such a terrible legacy? The fact that this damage is from a parent makes the betrayal even worse. Those posters who are siding with the MIL and FIL, I wonder how many of you would be saying LTB if the OP was asking for advice re her emotionally abusive husband, instead of the inlaws...