3rd letter from my in laws!!!! omfg!!!

[inmyshoos]

For anyone who might remember my previous posts from my fil I wanted to share the 3rd which arrived today!!! I think i might explode if i dont share it with someone!!

Dear shoos and dhofshoos,
I wrote to you on 10/2/2015 asking you to detail what you consider the problems are between the four of us; and again on the 25/3/2015 asking you both if you wished to be involved in a number of family events that will be happening this year, and also asking you to consider allowing the dc to be included in these family occasions. To date i have received no reply.
Therefore not having received the courtesy of replies to my letters, I can only assume that you both wish to sever all ties with us.
However our door will remain open, but, remember, the longer the door remains open the colder the house becomes.
There are no winners in this situation, only losers. There are losses in the short term and lisses in the long term.
I hope this finds you both well and that your futures are secure.
Regards fil/dad
P.s we will be passing through your area on return from a holiday on the 20th may if you would like to meet us for something to eat?
Pps Give the dc our love.

OMG please someone hit me with a stick! I don't know if i want to laugh or cry!!!

"I hope that your futures are both secure".

I wonder how anyone can read that as anything other than a not-so-veiled threat regarding the inheritance.

'Try and be the bigger person'

If I had a pound...

Momagain

Many families have favourites, it doesn't have to be such a big drama. If I look around at families I grew up with, there's often a favourite child. A couple of my best friends' eldest brothers were favoured. It wasn't very important. If you're confident and well-adjusted other people's opinions don't define you.

Your acceptance of such treatment doesnt mean the son in this should expect his children and spouse to accept the same.

Not sure what you're trying to imply, but if you mean what you seem to, you're way off the mark.

This couple are precisely accepting favouritism. So much so that they're letting it define them. They're making into a much bigger deal than it needs to be. They find it so difficult to cope with that they're going no contact. Whether they speak to the PIL or not, the PIL still favour the other sibling. So it doesn't change anything.

The other threads don't 'prove' anything.

there is lots in there that would fit an alternative explanation in fact.

'MIL said spending time together deosn't work' 'other DIL is very thoughtful'.

MIL obviously thinks OP is very difficult to be around. MIL is obviously capable of positive realstionships with other sons wife, but not OP.
Why?

I don't know why. Lots of possible explanations, but MIL being a nasty bitch is only one and doesn't really explain all.

Also evidence of abuse towards OPs children is buying them presents MIL thinks little girls like but they don't like them.

Maybe MIL doesn't know OPs children because spendig time with OP is difficult. But she tries to buy gifts besead on what she observes girls like?

Again just a differnt interpretatation.

There are a number of things in OPs threads that indicate that her ILs find her difficult. maybe she is?

It's common. It's hard to unpick, it's complex, but many of us reflect and realise that the total lose of relationships is worse than the muddle we have to tolerate.

What a crock of shit. Go tell that to the posters on the Stately Homes Threads. Or to all the posters who come here daily for support in dealing with the issues given to them by their abusive parents. Attitudes like yours are part of the problem. We should tolerate others, but only to a point. We should not tolerate people who treat us badly and call it family.

elsabelle

Is this really any sort of attempt on FILs part to reconcile?.

Not all people are so outrageously difficult and complicated by any means and emotionally healthy and functioning people would have taken a completely different approach i.e. a conciliatory one rather than a superior one casting blame. There is no olive branch contained within that e-mail nor the previous two.

This overall dysfunction within OPs husband's family has its roots going back many years and certainly years before OP and her H meeting.

The demand for you to detail the "issues" is such a drama bait. Don't do it. That will give them the court case they LONG FOR. If you detailed your issues then they'd have the opportunity to put you on trial for your issues.

Bartholomew none of that explains the OP's dh's fear of his own DF and relief at not having to deal with them though.

If you're confident and well-adjusted other people's opinions don't define you.

You keep using the term well-adjusted Twinklestein. If you are well-adjusted then chances are you didn't grow up under the shadow of favouritism, or with narcissistic parents. Of course there are people who come out of those situations well, but that doesn't lessen the pain the others feel, or help with the issues they face.

Confidence and self esteem are affected by favouritism and other toxic environments. The people dealing with these families are often lacking in confidence and self esteem.

Yes Johnfarley of course I have my own scripts, but I really don't think I'm imposing them here.

I am offering possible alternatives all of which I'm questioning as hypothetical.

Others are claiming they 'know' the PIls intentiosn and thoughts. I think that is dangerous.

Without a fuller undesratnding than we have from the OP we cannot know enough here to give the absolute judgements being made on the thread.

Yes 'the door is open -but it's getting cold' is civil. Formal and clumsy, but civil.

I interpret that as 'we want to restore a relationship at any point you do, but over time it may become harder to do if we leave things.'
My interpretation.

I honestly, honestly, don't think there's anything wrong with any of their letters.

If you think they're awful OP then by all means stay NC. But its very sad and something you may come to regret later on.

I totally agree with whoever said this It's common. It's hard to unpick, it's complex, but many of us reflect and realise that the total lose of relationships is worse than the muddle we have to tolerate.
Yes they sound difficult and annoying. But they are the only PILs you've got, there isnt another perfect set waiting to appear from the wings. Its them or nothing. I think never speaking to them again is tragic and rather cruel (sorry).

Hold the phone,

shoos did he REALLY address the letter to YOU first?

even in his poison pen mode, he can't put his son first!!!

Every Single sentence in that letter contains a threat, ignore and warm up your own home by putting it on the fire, or using it to light a bbq over the weekend. I agree with the 'be out' advice.

Was this letter recorded/registered?

To the benefit of the doubters, please stop? You don't understand, you (thankfully) won't understand, so please know that to cut out your family is an enormous thing to do. Not one single person has ever done it on a whim. A Dw should support her dh in this. There are SSSSSOOOOO many threads here with dil and gc suffering as a direct result of trying to force a relationship with INLAWS when the son really rather wouldn't have anything to do with them.

The letters aren't normal, they are nasty.

atilla I'm interested in how this is hoovering, I always thought that hoovering was achieved by being nice. This to me is his lordship exerting muscle to force his underlings back into line. I think the hoovering will come later, mil in full winged monkey fashion
, or some other poor hapless fool roped in to play the good cop and suck them back in.

I had the 'oh your dm thinks so much of you blah blah' but the actions of the woman were the opposite of her tall tales. It told by her pit bull h to 'do as I was told' in those exact words. As you know, I think you were on the stately homes thread when I live posted..

For those who don't know 'hoovering' is a well used term in abusive situations/dis functional families

Sliceofsoup there is a difference between difficult family relationships and abusive ones. There really is.

Every person I know has some family complexity and realtionship difficulties somewhere, but only a few have actually experienced abuse.

It is dangerous to assume one is automatically the other.

The Dh's reluctance would fit a 'script' of a partner alienated from his family by a difficult wife. It would fit a 'script' of an abusive OP who has created a split him from his family.

But it would also fit an interpretation of a man with toxic parents who have targetted his wife d who now needs to protect her and himself from thier negativity.

My point is. I don't know, and neither do you.

It is the absolute belief that posters believe they know this siutaution which I find distasteful and dangerous.

Why do I suspect those going for the forgive and forget, or the letter seems reasonable to me of being part of the poisonous in laws gang. We do not know the age of posters in here imo.

I am a MIL and because of what we have suffered at the hands of my narcissistic Mother, I would jump off a bridge before I put my DIL through what we have suffered.

sliceofsoup

I used it twice. I've already outlined my own experiences & can't be assed to go over it again. If you know who you are it doesn't actually matter what other people say. By the time you're an adult and have your own family you should be able to deal with this kind of stuff.

I'm not saying OP and her husband don't have a right to be hurt, of course they do, but I just think this all this drama a bit OTT.

The PILs are a bit arsey and need to managed, but it's nothing terribly out of the ordinary. And it's nothing that's not achievable.

Of course there is a difference. And of course I don't know the whole thing. Who ever claimed they did?

But to say that the OP and her DH are wrong to refuse to tolerate bad treatment enables the PILs. Even if its the OP and her DH that are difficult here, the letters are unnecessary. If the OP and her DH want to stop speaking to his parents they have every right to do that. They don't need any reason at all. FIL sent two letters that were unanswered, and now he has sent a third. I think even one unanswered letter is a very clear message that should be respected. But it just doesn't read like that to me.

Just to be clear, my point is that toleration only goes so far, and it should never be expected. Losing the relationship is not the worst thing to happen if that relationship is unhealthy, hurtful or toxic.

Thank you for replying everyone. Some interesting perspectives. Genuinely good to hear different views.

I don't know if I am a difficult person. I have asked my friends if they think i could come across as difficult and they have told me I am easy to be around. Maybe they are good liars but I choose my friends carefully and they are honestly lovely kind good honest people. I definitely don't try to be difficult and honestly feel like i am pretty easy going. I think there are things about me that my fil in particular doesnt like but these are things i cant change, like being spontaneous, being capable. He likes to patronise people and when refering to sil he used to comment when she was pregnant or newly post natal 'poor wee sil' and laugh. He rolls his eyes at my having my natural births and breastfeeding for a long time, makes snide remarks about these things. I feel like I can't win. I certainly wasnt going to not breastfeed or give up when they though i should just to please them. If that makes me difficult then I am guilty! The way i see it these things dont affect anyone else. His constant snide remarks do.

FWIW I have spoken to dh about trying to come up with an arrangement that would work for us all and mean dc could still see the gps. Dh says he can't see a way, that they will never change and it will always be stressful.

I would like to find a way personally. I do think life is too short and i dont want to have regrets. However my inlaws were causing so much upset. Fights between dh and i, dc upset because they cant understand inlaws weird behaviour like excluding them without explanation. First and foremost I need to keep our little family happy and healthy.

Let me be clear. Again.

having NO PARENTS/INLAWS is better than having bad ones.

Don't underestimate the damage they do.

The PILs are a bit arsey and need to managed, but it's nothing terribly out of the ordinary.

It isn't acceptable, no matter how common it may be. I disagree that they are just a bit arsey, or that it is unwarranted drama.

Some people cannot be managed. They will never listen, never change.

I remember your previous threads op, but I'm actually starting to feel sorry for him now.

On the face of it, I think his last two letters have been pretty normal to be honest. It's about what you'd expect a parent to write in his situation if he wanted to reconcile. Severing their relationship with their grandchildren is so important and final.

But I do think that if you're absolutely determined to cut contact, there's no use replying now.

There is no drama that is not being created by the inlaws. Shoos and her dh are happier without these people in their lives. The dc too. The lead to be taken here is that of the dh. If he can't see a way through this and allow his parents near him or his children, he's utterly entitled to make that call.

Peace is the enemy of dysfunctional people, they can't bear harmony. If harmony was what they wanted there would be no threats, no .
"futures secure" menace, there would be "what can we do/say to make this better"

I tank I agree with Twinklestein.

All sorts of shit happens in families. My paternal gm was an utter nightmare - selfish, uncaring, booze issues, dangerous around the grandkids, bloody awful to her DILs.

She was simply "managed" because she was family. She thawed a bit as she got older but we all basically did our duty and didn't bother much with her.

It's what families do. And no, mine didn't "deal with the problem open and honestly like healthy families do", we just put up and grumbled. My poor mother took her shit for 45 years! But you don't go round cutting your family off because unless they are actually harming you, it's just mean!

I feel sorry for him too, it actually makes me feel a bit upset. He is trying to sort it out and you are ignoring them. If they didnt care he wouldnt keep writing, so they obviously do.

Am a bit shocked at the harshness of a lot of these responses. Even the OP doesnt seem to be implying any kind of abuse, just that they are a major pain in the arse. Which i agree is very annoying. But IMO it doesnt warrant anything like this level of NC / cutting them out of your lives etc.

You would not have tolerated one ounce of that from a friend, I put it to you that family are no different.

Such people cannot simply be "managed" and your family only did as they were conditioned by wider society to do out of their misguided sense of obligation. It did not do them any favours ultimately. Fear, obligation and guilt are but three of many damaging legacies left by such people to their fellow family members.

Bartholomew I find your responses, frankly, bizarre.

Imagine this thread is a big coffee house where you are meeting with friends. One friend comes in, distraught, with a 3rd weirdly formal written letter from her husband's father and she says "I just need you guys to hear this...we've decided to cut contact but listen to this..it's upsetting."

And then you say, quite calmly, "Well, friend, the thing is, you COULD be a difficult daughter-in-law, so, yeah. There's another perspective here we're not seeing." Would you really give this kind of respomse to a friend? Of course we're not seeing the PIL's perspective: they haven't posted a thread here.

Mumsnet is supposed to be supportive, and your roundabout, passive aggressive attempts at suggesting the OP is the one causing the problem aren't helpful.

I get what you mean about people sensationally replying, but for god's sake, at least they're in support of the OP's decisions so far and not a veiled criticism. And one could argue that heavily implying she could be the cause of all this is also sensational, without facts.