3rd letter from my in laws!!!! omfg!!!

[inmyshoos]

For anyone who might remember my previous posts from my fil I wanted to share the 3rd which arrived today!!! I think i might explode if i dont share it with someone!!

Dear shoos and dhofshoos,
I wrote to you on 10/2/2015 asking you to detail what you consider the problems are between the four of us; and again on the 25/3/2015 asking you both if you wished to be involved in a number of family events that will be happening this year, and also asking you to consider allowing the dc to be included in these family occasions. To date i have received no reply.
Therefore not having received the courtesy of replies to my letters, I can only assume that you both wish to sever all ties with us.
However our door will remain open, but, remember, the longer the door remains open the colder the house becomes.
There are no winners in this situation, only losers. There are losses in the short term and lisses in the long term.
I hope this finds you both well and that your futures are secure.
Regards fil/dad
P.s we will be passing through your area on return from a holiday on the 20th may if you would like to meet us for something to eat?
Pps Give the dc our love.

OMG please someone hit me with a stick! I don't know if i want to laugh or cry!!!

I think the letter is rather formal but not unreasonable.

I think many of the replies on here are ascribing thoughts and intentions to these PILs which are not clear from this letter.

There is so much unknown here.

I can imagine another interpretation where the OP is hard work as a DIL (there is some evidence to support this interpretation on the other thread) and therefore PILs are closer to other DIL and children just because they are easier to be around. OP takes offence realtionships deteriorate further, words are had, MIL says 'maybe easier not be in contact.'

OP holds tight to this statement and decides to go NC. PILs feel on reflection some effort should be made to maintain a cordial relationship at least, and take steps through FIL writing letters, asking them to be part of family events and meet up., and stating they are always open to a relationship.

This is an interpreation. I don't know the truth. (whats' truth?)

All we have OPs opinions of PILS and some evidence from the letters which from responses on here may/may not be reasonable.

People making sweeping statements about how toxic they are and what their intentions are is rather dangerous I feel.
Step back, give advice cautiously when you don't know the facts. consider other interpretations, things are not always as simple as bad people/good people.

OP you and your Dh know the context. I would seek measured advice from people who know you and who have your best interests at heart.

Posting your PILs letters on the internet for sensationalist responses, may at this point be comforting in that they reinforce your position and feelings, but may really not be best for you and your family in the long run.

I used to get letters like that from my Mother they went straight into the log burner. I so hate that kind of mail.

I don't think the OP has any plans to get in touch, nor should she. She and DH went nc for good reasons, and should stay that way. FIL's letters blaming and shaming would not tempt me to phone and arrange a meal. Good luck, OP.

Just to be clear: I have not disagreed with the 'hurt' the OP feels, simply with the advice here.

I am surprised that people can read this letter as reasonable. Really. Everything about it is 'off'.

Honestly I've been following this and previous related threads and while they do sound like a pain in the ass I really do think he's doing his best to reconnect with you. Ok the language is a little formal but honestly that's probably just because he's uncomfortable and not sure how to engage with you. He seems to be trying really hard. Why don't you just cut them some slack, try to ignore their annoying behaviours and keep the lines of communication open.

This bad feeling is good for no one.

People are also forgetting that these are DHs parents, and he has chosen to go NC. OP has not said, but I suspect the favoritism toward his brother's children and wife is an extension of a long existing imbalance in how these brothers were treated.

At any rate, OPs previous attempt to grovel her family back into her inlaws happy family was met with the statement that the inlaws thought NC would be fine. Evidently, that was DH's last straw. DH wants to protect himself, OP and their children from people he feels will damage them. OPs job is to support DH at this point. Not to write back. Not to look for olive branches. Not to talk him into going back for more second class treatment. She isnt asking for advice because to do about the letters is not her decision to make. What she needs is support in backing up her DC, whose father writes to him like a debt collector. Like many posters here, she IS aware of how a family should communicate, and that her DH (and DC) is suffering.

Ok Bartholomew said what I meant but MUCH more eloquently.

The reason behind the advice on here is that there is a script. A common pattern of events. You read an OP and you find yourself nodding your head because that happened to you too, in one way or another. The advice to stay NC is not dangerous or misguided, because the OP and her DH decided themselves to take that step. I have been told to go NC on here and I won't. But those posters were not unreasonable to advise that.

Of course we only hear one side. But the OP being a difficult DIL seems to me to be a case of OP not towing the line the ILs expect the people around them to tow. It appears to me that SIL tows that line better, which is why she is seen as "easier" and their contact with her "works". Which reads as their manipulations work.

I also feel that FIL is hoping they won't reply, as then he can divert the inheritance to the "good" son and the OPs DH won't have a leg to stand on as it was his "own fault."

Momagain - I hear what you're saying but have a slightly different perspective.
I don't think it's necessarily her job to support her husband's choice to go NC. There is an argument to say that it's the OPs job to support her husband and the best way to do that might actually be to encourage him to remain IN contact, in the belief it'll be better for his long term emotional health and for the grand kids.

I am a DGM - imagine my DD and her DH (or DS and his DW) had cut contact.

It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

I wouldn't be writing letters I would be phoning ' DD, I am so sorry if there is some misunderstanding, please let me and Dad know what the problem is, we would be devastated not to see the DGCs over the next few weeks, give me a ring any time.'

It wouldn't be some formal, vaguely threatening letter.

Who decides whether it's better to remain in contact or not though?

OP has to trust her DH knows his parents better than she does so is probably way more qualified to decide how they may impact on the emotional health of his family. It'd be a dick move to override your partners life experiences and decide you know best based on nothing.

Twinkle: your own family history full of favoritism tells you such fuckwittage is not abnormal?

Think about that.

Your acceptance of such treatment doesnt mean the son in this should expect his children and spouse to accept the same.

LaBette: that stage in the saga is past, I think.

Attila is spot on.

there is no apology in these letters, no exceptance of what their actions have done.

I'm in the same position with mil she is ready to move on but with no apology no accountability- nothing. Which I'm not doing any more. It took me four years to decide NC, that decision is never easy. It actually takes real strength. People can not continuously chip away at other people's lives and expect no repercussions.

Shred the letter op and look after yourself.

I don't know the background here, but I know an olive branch when I see one - and this is not one.

The door is open - for a bit.
You're going to lose out - not just now, but in the future.
Hope your future is secure - coz if you don't come round, you'll get fuck all from us.

The message here is as clear as day. Love the little tag on the end, oh yeah, send the GC love.

I couldn't be arsed with such a fucker.

twinkle I think you have actually been conditioned to think this behavour is normal - it's not.

Oh fgs.

The poster's previous posts:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2339259-Would-you-respond-to-this-letter

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2342643-So-the-second-letter-has-arrived

Now see if it sounds so reasonable.

Absolutly john

Oh Lord, what a mess, if their son dreads their contact never mind their DIL. then no contact would seem sensible.

My parents have cut my sisters off at various times, then decided they liked them again, and re-instated them. When my father rang me up a couple of months ago to say he's cutting one of them out again, that was the last straw. I've gone NC and cut them off.

Your email from fil is full of guilt trips and veiled threats. Laugh at it, then delete. Being a parent doesn't automatically give you the right to be an arse to your progeny.

Op I totally sympathise.

My dad writes letters like this.

So many people just don't 'get it'.

It's taken years for some of my friends to understand the issues I have with my parents

There is not just one script.

There are a number of scripts within relationships.
I think many here are seeing their own script and fitting it to this.

There is also a 'script' for a 'diffiuclt' DIL alienating her husbands parents.

Family rifts often do follow a common patterns though:of unconscious conflicting power plays, of misunderstandings, defensive responsives, hurt feelings, entrenched positions and negative beliefs ascribed to others actions to fit the narrative that protects your own position.

I suspect this applies to both sides here.

It's common. It's hard to unpick, it's complex, but many of us reflect and realise that the total lose of relationships is worse than the muddle we have to tolerate.

I think this may be the position the PILs have reached.

They may be thinking 'DIL is bloody awkward but we want to see our DS and DGC so we will make efforts to at least be civil.'

I don't know.

We only have the 'script' or narrative the OP has given. Those who this narrative resonates with assume this to be the only script possible.

As someone who wasnt on the best terms with my mum when she suddenly dropped dead out of the blue, i can say that i regret it so much. If you ignore their attempts to reconcile you and your DH really might regret it later on.

Their letter sounds reasonable to me and if they keep writing then its clearly because they want to try and resolve things. They use the kind of language that my older relatives would use, i think its just a generational way of writing rather than anything more sinister.

I think you should try to be the bigger person. They are getting older and really, no-one is perfect. A lot of these responses seem very harsh to me. I havent seen anything in your threads that sounds that bad to me tbh. I agree with Twinkle and LaBette. People are difficult and complicated, thats life.

I'm not going by a script, I'm going by the fils ludicrous words.

You think ' the door is open now - but it's getting cold' is civil?

I think you're going by your own script, bartholomew!