Post-affair Instant Message Mystery!

[thecatsmother72]

In July I posted about how I'd discovered my partner of 16 years had slept with a colleague. He had ended the relationship and told her he wanted to stay with me. I had a gut feeling something was up and checked his phone, where I found incriminating texts (which backed up his claim that their affair was over). The reasons the affair started are long and complex and I won't go into it all, likewise my decision to stay and to give our relationship a chance. Since it all came out my partner has been remorseful and transparent, I have access to his phone/emails etc, we have been talking and talking and going over everything and despite many days of rage and pain I've really felt optimistic in the last few weeks that we'd turned the corner. He is, of course, aware that any further transgressions will result in my leaving.

Fast forward to today. I have been sporadically checking his phone, which I'm not proud of but I'm not ready to stop and give him back his privacy yet. Nothing untoward on there, until today I found some instant messaging between him and OW. I'll paraphrase:

OW: That sounded really dramatic didn't it? Wasn't meant to be. I just know it's not sustainable.

DP: Yes it did sound dramatic.

OW: So

DP: Ok.

That's it. So, what the hell am I supposed to make of that? They are still colleagues; can this really be a work related exchange? I haven't confronted my partner about this explicitly but this evening I asked him again, point blank, if there was even the tiniest non-professional relationship there. He gave me his word there wasn't. And the way things have been between us- his remorse, our conversations, his absolute insistence he loves me and wants us to be together- I honestly can't see him continuing to see her.

What do you think?

Sorry, that last message from OW should have read Soz, not So. As in, short for Sorry. Stupid phone.

Is this messaging dated/timed today?

You're not going to like this but I think it's a mistake to stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust. You're eaten up with questions over a something-and-nothing text exchange, you're checking his phone, you're doubting your judgement.... this is what you sign up for when you take back a cheat, however remorseful they claim to be. Suspicion

Sounds like he was complianing about you and she said something 'dramatic' like well sounds like your marriage is over which led to her next message as she then said 'soz'. Just my thoughts

You should ask him. He'll understand why you're checking his phone because of what happened.

You have no hope of fixing your marriage if you can't show him that and asking for an explanation.

If for a SECOND he makes you feel you shouldn't have looked, or are bad for doubting him, then he is not committed to fixing the crap he ha traipsed through your marriage.

If you're both working through the ramifications of his affair openly and honestly, why can't you ask him what the messages mean?

What did you agree with him was acceptable contact if they have to still see each other at work? That conversation doesn't sound business-related.

Today at about 4 pm

I think she texted him something dramatic, maybe about the two of them, then apologised...sounds like he closed it down if that was the end of the texts. He was pretty non responsive.

The reasons I decided to forgive and stay are complex and based on many factors. I absolutely agree that he's put this suspicion and doubt in my mind and believe me, I wrestled with my decision to stay because I knew I would have to go through hell.

Well in terms of her use of 'sustainable' - I'd say she's either referring to the situation between him and her i.e. its not going to go anywhere, or between you and him i.e. she doesn't think that your marriage will work.

She also uses the word 'dramatic' - which makes me think she's said something like she feels suicidal without him?? or something along those lines. Or perhaps something along the lines of her wanting him to leave you because its not sustainable between you and him?

Have they definitely split up? My first instinct was that she was calling it off with him. Although he does sound very non committal in his replies. But that may be because he knows he runs the risk of his messages being read by you.

It seems likely she was referring to one of two things - either their professional relationship is not sustainable considering the affair they've had and she told him she was going to leave work or something else fairly big and dramatic. Or they are continuing having some sort of inappropriate relationship and she is sick of being messed about and is saying that situation is not sustainable and she is tired of it and threatened to contact you or something else big and dramatic. Either way I think it's clear their intimacy is problematic and there is some issue ongoing between them that is causing problems, either professionally or romantically, and necessarily both in some way for it to be problematic, leading her to lose her temper.

Agree it sounds like she has initiated something and he's shutting her down. Ignoring her would have been ideal but he is very non-committal in his replies.

I would say her tone is too measured for it to be a childish suicidal threat or anything like that. And I would say 'know it's not sustainable' is too presumptuous and certain to refer to the OP's marriage. She's talking about something she is involved in and is tired of experiencing, that's how she 'knows'.

I disagree, Strawberry, it doesn't sound like she's initiated something to me, quite the opposite. It reads much more to me like he's pushed something personally and she's got cross about the repetition and disrespect and blown her top and then apologized (very common in affairs). OR their work situation is hurting her in some way after the end of the affair and she feels ignored / he's not being fair to her / giving her space to recover / and she's complaining about that and threatening to leave the job because their history makes it unsustainable for her.

If I were you, I would confront him with the very specific question 'what is she saying is unsustainable?' I'd do it in person for sure because otherwise he'll have a chance to come up with a lie and you can watch his face. If he immediately answers 'us working together' that would set my mind at ease. If not, I would conclude the only other thing she could be talking about what the continuation of the affair, which he has been pushing and she is weary of going round and round with and is threatening to end totally or uncover.

I think her use of language is quite odd too. Quite formal for messaging with an ex or current partner - 'sustainable.' Would expect someone to be using quite emotive ways of talking such as: "I know this can't last" or "I know your marriage can't last." It sits uneasily with the use of 'soz.' Could it be that they talk in those sorts of terms to give the impression that they are messaging about work if detected; but then she slipped back into text speak? I may be wrong. He's obviously just keeping his words to a minimum, for whatever reason.

Ah, can see what you mean actually. That would fit too. OP do you think he would speak honestly if you aided it with him or minimise? The fact that he hasn't mentioned the contact to you is a bit iffy.

Raised not aided.

I wonder if the formality comes from her being a bit cold because they've clearly had a row about the situation that is unsustainable. It makes sense she might have lost her temper beforehand and said something like, 'For fuck's sake stop texting me saying you love me if you're not going to do anything about it I'm utterly sick of it and if you keep doing that it's cruel and you're going to make me crazy and do something stupid like send them on to your wife'. Or 'If you keep ignoring me at work people are going to think it's really fucking weird and it makes me look bad. I know we've had our past but if your can't treat me like a human being I feel like I need to go and work somewhere else, which is totally unfair'.

It could easily be either. Question is, where's the rest of the conversation?

There could be many innocent and not so innocent explanations, you need to talk to him

He has always been a man of few words when it comes to texts and so forth. As far as their relationship is concerned I do believe it's over,and has been for months. He told me he finished it in March and the texts I found in July do confirm this.

Probably about working together then? Do you think?

Unless something started up again more recently. Has anything changed in the last few weeks?

any reason not to ask him?

Oh, I should also add that she knows I know. He told her immediately.

Bloodonthetracks, nothing has changed in the last few weeks that I can detect. In fact things have been improving.