Post-affair Instant Message Mystery!

[thecatsmother72]

In July I posted about how I'd discovered my partner of 16 years had slept with a colleague. He had ended the relationship and told her he wanted to stay with me. I had a gut feeling something was up and checked his phone, where I found incriminating texts (which backed up his claim that their affair was over). The reasons the affair started are long and complex and I won't go into it all, likewise my decision to stay and to give our relationship a chance. Since it all came out my partner has been remorseful and transparent, I have access to his phone/emails etc, we have been talking and talking and going over everything and despite many days of rage and pain I've really felt optimistic in the last few weeks that we'd turned the corner. He is, of course, aware that any further transgressions will result in my leaving.

Fast forward to today. I have been sporadically checking his phone, which I'm not proud of but I'm not ready to stop and give him back his privacy yet. Nothing untoward on there, until today I found some instant messaging between him and OW. I'll paraphrase:

OW: That sounded really dramatic didn't it? Wasn't meant to be. I just know it's not sustainable.

DP: Yes it did sound dramatic.

OW: So

DP: Ok.

That's it. So, what the hell am I supposed to make of that? They are still colleagues; can this really be a work related exchange? I haven't confronted my partner about this explicitly but this evening I asked him again, point blank, if there was even the tiniest non-professional relationship there. He gave me his word there wasn't. And the way things have been between us- his remorse, our conversations, his absolute insistence he loves me and wants us to be together- I honestly can't see him continuing to see her.

What do you think?

Yes, I personally have never understood the don't contact the OW at any cost thing. I think only if it's psychologically helpful, like it was for foxy, you should do whatever you want. I once got called by a wife asking me about my affair with her husband and it was crazy! (I wasn't!) Turned out he had put OW number under my name in his phone cos we worked together and he was having an affair with someone else. She was very impressive though and strong. I always am really surprised that someone can have that huge an impact on someone's life and them NOT choose meet or talk about it. Sometimes I wonder if it comes more out of self-protection than dignity. Or maybe a bit of both.

OP, there is no point warning her off. It puts the focus on the wrong person. Also, though it pains me to say it, he isn't property and it is his choice whether to be a cheating shit or not, nobody else's.

Your choice is to decide whether it is worth rebuilding and whether you can learn to trust him again. Having been in similar shoes to you, I agree that if anything you feel worse after 2-3 months than at the start, as reality hits.

These days, three years on, I wouldn't dream of checking up on him. But I trust my instincts far more than I did before, and I think I would notice more quickly and clearly any off or bad behaviour, or distance. Funnily enough, I value myself more. I'm also more realistic about him.

You may find the Shirley Glass book on infidelity useful.

It wont make you feel better.

Neither will posting the tit pic she sent him on a no string sex website along with her mobile number. That will just get you a phone call from the police with a "friendly warning". Sadly. wink

Thats a lie actually. Even getting a call from the police, it was still worth it!

She will most likely tell your husband that you are harassing her and upsetting her. You don't want that. Don't let her feel she is important . You will be giving her power.

Hi everyone and many thanks for your advice.

I think contacting the OW would probably feel good at first, but thinking about it I know I'll regret it within ten minutes of pressing "send". My partner and I had a conversation last night and I explained to him that she's an unknown quantity to me. He dumped her in March; in April and May she was sending him texts that were either pissed off at having been dumped, or had a flirty tone, so to my mind she could well be looking for a way back to him. If I contact her, she may well try to present herself to him as a shoulder to cry on again-which is how the affair started in the first place. And obviously I don't want that.

Last night my partner and I talked and we both agreed we can't live like this. Although obviously our problems now revolve around this subject, we had a couple of years of arguments and issues and it just seems like that's our life now. But only two months after discovery it's too soon to be making decisions, in my view anyway. What I suggested was that we give ourselves until the end of the year and see how things are going by then. If I feel unable to move on from this, we separate. He agreed. I also made it clear to him that I was unconvinced that her occasional discreet questioning of him as to how he and I are doing is innocent. He says she does it out of concern and politeness but I told him to please not be that naïve.

I need to stop checking his phone too. I can't try to trust him if I'm not trusting him IYSWIM.

That sounds like progress.

It is early days.

Re her contact with him, it doesn't matter why she does it. He needs to stop it happening, doesn't he? What is he prepared to do about that? I would ask him.

Yes. I've told him it needs to stop. He says he has told her professional banter only. The last time she asked was a few weeks ago. Apparently.

I think the problem is that she needs to think that she was special, that they are star crossed lovers being kept apart by his evil wife. If that isnt the case then she is just another stupid woman who had a sordid affair with a married man who binned her off without a seconds thought. But thats her problem.

I agree that he needs to be more forceful and not reply to anything at all that she sends him. As for her asking how things are going with you just being concern, what a load of bollocks! She wants to know if you are kicking him out she can snag him, like you say, very naive!

You are very strong to contemplate any banter at all between them. Do they have to work closely?

I wish Holdtight would read TheCatsMothers last post.

Lulu, they do work together but in an office with other people. Their affair consisted of a shag last August when he called in on her while on his way to visit friends. Then in January they went on an overnight work trip and fucked each other in the hotel. Plus the odd lunch date. All very sporadic. I know people will say there must have been more occasions than that. But I can't think of any other times he's been absent from me. Although I suppose they could have been nipping off every lunchtime and having a knee trembler in the alley behind Tesco

"Banter" ?

I don't like that term. Far too much room for "one person's banter, another person's flirting". Far too subjective and open to all sorts of interpretation. OP, I would insist on minimal professional chat, only when strictly necessary to do with the job. "Banter" is not professional, even in the most innocent of situations. And this is very far from innocent.

What is 'professional banter'? I don't think there should be any banter whatsoever to be honest.

By banter I mean discussion. Agree it should be professional only.

The affair sounds v similar to my DH's.

A drunken shag followed by another one a few months later.

Emails and texts in between and the odd meet up for coffee.

Everyone said on my thread at the time that he was minimising but the emails I saw confirmed this, so he may well not be.

Wishing you all the best and hope it works out for you in whatever you decide to do...

Thanks Jones. I've been through our diaries over the last year with a fine toothed comb and I can genuinely find no other opportunities for them to have got together. Which doesn't make what he did less painful of course.

I think a lot of affairs aren't of the 'star crossed lovers' variety.

I think a lot of affairs probably do result from 'banter' that becomes a bit flirty (easily done), which goes a bit too far and which then, almost mindlessly, progresses into something akin to a few coffee dates, a few snogs and a couple of shags. This can all take place over a few months and amount to a 'bit of meaningless fun'.

Obviously, this isn't what it's like for the wronged partner(s), but ultimately, I don't think everyone believes they're having the great love affair of their lives.

I can quite see that the scenario he described to you is what happened.

I still wouldn't give a second chance, mind, but I think if someone is trying to work through it, it's worth baring in mind. I imagine a lot of affairs look like this.

I also don't think many people having affairs aim to end up together. There might be one party (I'd assume usually the woman) who would like that to be the case, but, unless they are looking for a way out of an unhappy relationship/marriage, I don't think many married men necessarily plan to leave.

It seems to be forced upon them when their wife finds out!

FolkGirl...I agree with your summary of how lots of affairs are. Makes me feel so Grrrrrr - all the pain and insecurity that is left in the aftermath. Just horrible when on the receiving end of it all :-(

I really hope he doesn't mean any kind of banter, because if he does , he is still trying to play without going the whole hog, and is a shocking betrayal after what's happened. Are you sure the penny has dropped for him about what he has fine, and the effect on you?

The IM messages between them are not professional language, that's clear. What you are rightly asking for is more formality and distance between them. He has not worked out for himself that that is what is required.

He really ought to find another job.

Done, not fine.