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Original poster

Post-affair Instant Message Mystery!

171 replies

thecatsmother72 · 26/08/2014 21:19

In July I posted about how I'd discovered my partner of 16 years had slept with a colleague. He had ended the relationship and told her he wanted to stay with me. I had a gut feeling something was up and checked his phone, where I found incriminating texts (which backed up his claim that their affair was over). The reasons the affair started are long and complex and I won't go into it all, likewise my decision to stay and to give our relationship a chance. Since it all came out my partner has been remorseful and transparent, I have access to his phone/emails etc, we have been talking and talking and going over everything and despite many days of rage and pain I've really felt optimistic in the last few weeks that we'd turned the corner. He is, of course, aware that any further transgressions will result in my leaving.

Fast forward to today. I have been sporadically checking his phone, which I'm not proud of but I'm not ready to stop and give him back his privacy yet. Nothing untoward on there, until today I found some instant messaging between him and OW. I'll paraphrase:

OW: That sounded really dramatic didn't it? Wasn't meant to be. I just know it's not sustainable.

DP: Yes it did sound dramatic.

OW: So

DP: Ok.

That's it. So, what the hell am I supposed to make of that? They are still colleagues; can this really be a work related exchange? I haven't confronted my partner about this explicitly but this evening I asked him again, point blank, if there was even the tiniest non-professional relationship there. He gave me his word there wasn't. And the way things have been between us- his remorse, our conversations, his absolute insistence he loves me and wants us to be together- I honestly can't see him continuing to see her.

What do you think?

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 26/08/2014 22:50

Why don't you want to ask him, OP?

Loletta · 26/08/2014 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 26/08/2014 22:57

I do want to ask him. Honestly! Can't do it now as he's at his brother's this evening (genuinely- I drove him there!) but I will ask him. I think when I read the IMs I was just so thrown...after all the discussion and stripping our relationship bare and my almost leaving, and his many reassurances and expressions of love and remorse. You know. I just thought, Seriously...?

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 26/08/2014 23:06

Hi OP hope you don't mind me jumping in here, just a question does your DH work somewhere where there's a rule against relationships between staff? Just wondering if that's a possible added stress and she's possibly worried about losing her job/being outed?

Agree with others that he sound like he's not wanting to engage more than necessary and his responses seems like he's keeping her at arms length - maybe as suggested by others him being close in a work sense but this keeping her at arms length is what's getting to her?

I wouldn't be keen to contact her as I'd be inclined to think she would be tempted to be dishonest and stir things up for her benefit.

BloodontheTracks · 26/08/2014 23:07

Absolutely fair enough! Whatever the explanation, you are not being properly respected here, OP. Loletta is right. See holdtight's thread for someone struggling in a similar way and finding their bottom lines being demolished each time.
I also wonder if you have read a lot about affairs? They can be something of an addiction. And people who have them are prone to selfishness and lying in ways that are staggering. I am not saying your OH is like that or trying to be negative, but it's worth saying that the VAST VAST majority of infidelity is never discovered and that cheaters ALWAYS minimize, so what one finds is often the tip of an iceberg. It is also telling that you discovered this rather than were told it. So be wise and cautious.
I'm sure your instincts are good and right, but his compartmentalizing and IMing is really inappropriate and frankly would be enough for a lot of women to just walk out of the door.

It sounds from some of your posts that you are trying to seem less vulnerable than you are actually are. That you are afraid of 'looking like a fool' or wanting her to think she's 'got the wind up you'. Do you think, in a way, your pride is actually counter-intuitively stopping you from drawing a line? Sometimes we think that if we are strong and cool enough to understand what our partners say about what they did and so not threatened by the affair that we accept them working together we are being impressive and cool. But could it be that actually you need to demand more from him and know that that is reasonable behavior and actually makes you strong, not weak? Because you place higher value on yourself than the levee of respect he is showing you?

Pinkballoon · 26/08/2014 23:12

IME, if you ask him, he'll lie (even if its quite innocent) because he's on the spot and he'll panic. If you ask her, then you might not like what you hear, but it will be as near as the truth as you're ever going to get.

I confronted my ex by email about what I found on his phone. I was even sitting looking at his texts to and from her at the time that he did it. He denied it totally. Told me I was going mad and that I should focus my attention on our future and not this rubbish and fantasies :) :) :) I texted her and asked her why she was contacting [name] Out it all came! And then she sent me copies of the texts he'd sent her. Yes, I suspect she added a bit to stick the knife in, but to be fair, she saved me from months/ years more heartache and misery. It was a horrible time, and I remember literally being sick everywhere reading all her texts, but at least I knew and wasn't walking around with these continual doubts about his behaviour and whereabouts, which just eat you up.

And I'm sorry to say it, but looking back and working out all the dates, when my ex appeared happier, it was actually because things were back on with her (she'd called it off before as he was apparently distant and non committal i.e. with me.) But interestingly, as soon as I found out, got in contact with her and refused to accept his crap, he dropped her. I suppose the fun was in having the secret affair, not the relationship itself.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 26/08/2014 23:25

I really don't think any of the speculation here is helpful.
The important thing is that if you want your relationship to continue OP and to work, you talk things over with him and then work out if he's honest with you.

It does take time to rebuild trust and he should understand that.

Good Luck.

Daisychain5 · 26/08/2014 23:30

Sadly, if they still work together, and if they still fancy each other, then the likelyhood of them not starting seeing each other again is quite honestly remote in the extreme. I know, I've been there sadly. Any contact, no matter how 'formal' , will lead in one direction. He needs to change jobs, and soon, if your marriage is to stand a chance of working.

CariadsDarling · 27/08/2014 04:26

My first thoughts were that he has tried to start up with her again and she has said no because its not sustainable.

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 08:10

Thanks to you all for your input and advice. I am going to ask him today.

OP posts:
Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 08:19

In answer to your question thatwouldbe, I don't think there is a company rule about relationships but apparently when he told her I knew, she was worried about her job being compromised because she thought I might storm in there and confront her Hmm

But I will have it out with him today. Yesterday I gave him an opportunity to tell me about this communication (assuming it isn't innocent of course) and he reiterated that all conduct has been above board. So if his explanation for the IMs doesn't wash, or he admits they had some sort of inappropriate encounter, I'll know he lied. Then I can decide where to go.

OP posts:
EverythingCounts · 27/08/2014 08:28

When all this came out, what discussion was there then about him or her finding a new place of work? I think that's what the message was about, but I also wonder why it's only come up now. It would seem obvious to me someone has to go once the affair has ended.

CarryOn90 · 27/08/2014 08:31

Sorry if I'm jumping in a bit late

I would think that she sent a message referring their affair, saying "what if..." or "we could do this" hence the "I know it's not sustainable." But he shuts her down pretty bluntly which is good.

Do you think OW would carry on the affair if she could?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/08/2014 08:32

You're tying yourself in knots still. The meaning of the text messages is immaterial really. It's a text message today, it'll be a phone-call tomorrow, a 'funny look' next week, getting home later than planned another day... The distinction between truth and lies becomes meaningless in this situation. It's the atmosphere of suspicion, mistrust and doubt that is ultimately so corrosive.

Twinklestein · 27/08/2014 08:37

The point is surely OP, that, whatever it means, they shouldn't be contacting each other like this at all.

The messages may relate to work, they sound as if they do, but the tone is intimate and not of work colleagues.

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 08:42

Everything Counts, when the affair first came to light there was no discussion about job changing at all. Since then, I have expressed my unhappiness with the situation but he seems to think there's no problem because it's all over and to quote him, "there's nothing there".

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 27/08/2014 08:45

Why are they still messaging then?

LuluJakey1 · 27/08/2014 08:45

How closely do they work together? Do they work on the same team or just in the same place? Do they need to have contact by instant messages?

I can't think of anyone I work with that I ever need to IM.

Cog is right, IMO, spot on really.

And, he should be looking for another job, and he should have no contact with her whatsoever. Why did he not ignore the IM? The fact that he even answers it is not acceptable.

Badvoc123 · 27/08/2014 08:47

God, op
This is no way to live, surely?
:(

simontowers2 · 27/08/2014 09:08

Agree with Badvoc. This is the life you have chosen OP, one of constant paranoia. Good luck with that.

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 09:13

So I asked him.

He says it was work related and referred to a conference call they were on. When I'm on conference calls I do exchange IMs with colleagues so I guess it's feasible.

No, it isn't any way to live. I need to do some thinking.

OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 27/08/2014 09:28

Give yourself some time OP.

All these posters saying it's no way to live, please remember that the affair was only discovered a month or so ago, and that trust needs time to be rebuilt...

kaykayblue · 27/08/2014 09:31

I find that hugely inappropriate to be honest. It's one thing to be exchanging messages or texts with a colleague during a conference call (which I used to do all the time), but it's a totally different kettle of fish when the person you are messaging is your mistress.

Why were they messaging during a conference call? What was it about to warrant such a personal tone of message? It's not like they were saying "hey, bob is going to be late on our side, can you drag out your introductions for five minutes?" or "Are you going to raise the point about the soup dragon factory or do you want me to do it?"

THAT is work related messages appropriate to send an old mistress.

Sorry but when you shag one of your colleagues as a married person, then you lose the right to keep a friendly relationship with that person.

JonesTheSteam · 27/08/2014 09:33

I think you should, however, make it very clear to your DH that all contact must be professional only and no personal messages of any sort.

If he is really contrite and remorseful, then he won't quibble at all...

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 09:51

Thanks Jones.

Another point I guess is that he finished with her in March. I only found out in July. So I'm playing catch-up, so to speak. In his mind it's over and in my mind it's still a possibility.

I have had no evidence that he's still seeing her, or has any emotional attachment to her.

Long-term, do I decide I can live with the work thing or will it prove impossible-I don't know yet.

OP posts: