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Original poster

Post-affair Instant Message Mystery!

171 replies

thecatsmother72 · 26/08/2014 21:19

In July I posted about how I'd discovered my partner of 16 years had slept with a colleague. He had ended the relationship and told her he wanted to stay with me. I had a gut feeling something was up and checked his phone, where I found incriminating texts (which backed up his claim that their affair was over). The reasons the affair started are long and complex and I won't go into it all, likewise my decision to stay and to give our relationship a chance. Since it all came out my partner has been remorseful and transparent, I have access to his phone/emails etc, we have been talking and talking and going over everything and despite many days of rage and pain I've really felt optimistic in the last few weeks that we'd turned the corner. He is, of course, aware that any further transgressions will result in my leaving.

Fast forward to today. I have been sporadically checking his phone, which I'm not proud of but I'm not ready to stop and give him back his privacy yet. Nothing untoward on there, until today I found some instant messaging between him and OW. I'll paraphrase:

OW: That sounded really dramatic didn't it? Wasn't meant to be. I just know it's not sustainable.

DP: Yes it did sound dramatic.

OW: So

DP: Ok.

That's it. So, what the hell am I supposed to make of that? They are still colleagues; can this really be a work related exchange? I haven't confronted my partner about this explicitly but this evening I asked him again, point blank, if there was even the tiniest non-professional relationship there. He gave me his word there wasn't. And the way things have been between us- his remorse, our conversations, his absolute insistence he loves me and wants us to be together- I honestly can't see him continuing to see her.

What do you think?

OP posts:
janajos · 27/08/2014 12:44

AF it does sound patronising because it is! Those who choose to leave do not have the moral high ground over those who choose to stay and work through the issues. Neither side is right, or wrong as every couple's circumstances are different. I agree, sometimes from the information given it is possible to say LTB, but in this case I think it is not so clear.

What is utterly unreasonable is to suppose that because we have chosen a particular path, that it is right for all people. Men (and also women), do sometimes make mistakes, feel vulnerable, do things that they should not do; not all of these are serial offenders, 'Mr Swinging Dick's etc... THAT is a patronising, unforgiving and ultimately lifestyle wrecking attitude. I don't think it is necessary here.

(And I have left an abusive relationship, brought up children on my own and chosen to forgive)

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 12:46

The thing is, in your situation, I probably would

I would certainly punish the cheater forever.

That's no way to live. I just don't have it in me to capitulate, to lower my own value in anyone's eyes, to have people pity me

Some would say that's my own arrogance cutting off my own nose, but so be it.

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 12:46

jana, I fully accept I am being patronising.

MillyDots · 27/08/2014 12:49

AF your example just then sounds like it is coming from a very bitter hurt place.

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 12:49

What I don't agree with is that my use of the term Mr Swinging Dick is a "lifestyle wrecking attitude"

I would say it was the behaviour of the Dick himself that was the damaging factor. What I choose to name it may be relevant to only myself, but the fact remains that if choosing to rise above cheating is "life style enhancing" then I would question that most comprehensively.

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 12:50

Milly, that is where you are wrong.

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 12:51

I am derailing the thread though now, so I will leave it there.

janajos · 27/08/2014 12:51

'not all of these are serial offenders, 'Mr Swinging Dick's etc...'

And there we can agree, as that is what I said!!!

MillyDots · 27/08/2014 12:52

Affairs are not so black and white and of course in some relationships both sides do see where they were culpable. It's not always just about sex.

janajos · 27/08/2014 12:53

it is the choosing not to forgive (whether or not we move on) that is lifestyle wrecking. Also, to suppose that we are ourselves without fault, as distinct from blame. That is also something that breeds bitterness within.

MorrisZapp · 27/08/2014 12:54

Fair points by all but I don't think choosing to leave or not is purely based upon self esteem etc.

I often feel that the victim is punished by affairs. The OP hasn't cheated, so why does she have to have her life turned upside down?

I wouldn't want to sell my home, move my kids school, live on half the money etc because DP dipped his wick. Surely with imagination, objectivity etc other ways forward can be found?

MillyDots · 27/08/2014 12:55

You said in previous post In your position I probably would.

If you have never been in the position the OP is, then how do you.really know how you would deal with it?

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 12:55

Can I provide some background? I'm new to MN so forgive me if this is classed as drip-feeding!

Things hit the skids about 2 years ago. Back in late 2010 I had a breakdown due to childhood abuse, I won't go into detail as I don't want to upset anyone but it involved me going to the police to (ultimately unsuccessfully) try to get a prosecution and also a lot if counselling. Throughout all this my partner was immensely supportive and helped me make life-changing decisions such as going NC with my mum. He also had to deal with a LOT of crying, screaming, rage etc. And he was nothing less than always there for me.

Two years ago I was still dealing with the fallout from that when I lost my job. I was fired. And for about a year after that I wasn't there. I withdrew, I could offer absolutely zero emotional support to him, I basically sat back and took it for granted that he would look after me. Which, again, he did. Emotionally and financially. But what had once been a relationship of equals became him shouldering all the burdens and responsibilities and me just...not really existing.

I had CBT which helped me hugely and found a new job. For about a year now, maybe a bit less, I have been so much happier and more confident. Till I found out about this of course! The affair began when things were at their absolute lowest between us.

Jeez, that was long. Sorry. Just to give you an idea of how things were when he chose to fuck another woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 12:59

Would like to add that heard I both agree that he made choice to put his dick in another woman and that the state of our relationship at the time doesn't justify it. However it does explain how things gotta that stage where he had that decision to make.

OP posts:
Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 12:59

He and I not HEARD. God, this phone.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 13:00

Milly, I was responding to Bogey who said she now, in the aftermath of her partner's infidelity, could not guarantee she would not cheat herself. I said I probably would. Which, as I said, is not healthy nor any way to live.

janajos · 27/08/2014 13:00

So he chose an unwise, wrong and damaging path to escape from a relationship that was (at that time) unsatisfying to him. Do we say 'What a bastard', or do we say, 'ok, he was wrong to do that and the blame is not mine' however I have to look to myself too and question my attitudes at the time; can we fix this together?'

I think there is hope here, if you can both find forgiveness.....

BTW, so sorry to hear about your childhood abuse and difficulties with family.

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 13:02

OP, you are trying to find reasons why he gave himself permission to fuck another woman. You are mitigating it by saying he did when things were at the absolute lowest between you. I think that makes him sound worse not better.

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 13:06

AnyFucker I take that on board. I am also aware that when things were at their lowest I was still faithful. I'm really not trying to justify what he did. Just to provide background. Clearly there's something in him that was able to cross that line.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 13:07

Yes, I am sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/08/2014 13:08

I have to agree with AF that knowing the context of the affair doesn't paint him in any better light. That you were going through a crisis must have been stressful for all concerned but there would have been other less catastrophic ways to cope, surely? I also wonder how you found out. Was it an accidental discovery or did he feel some kind of need to unburden his guilt?

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 13:09

For light relief I have been reading the thread about twatty things you don't miss about your ex. This has been helping Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 13:13

Cogito I found out because I had a gut feeling/women's intuition/spidey senses tingling. Nothing could put my finger on, I just knew. So I checked his phone. For the first time ever, I might add. I found texts going back to March/April (none more recent than that) that were basically her getting annoyed with him that he had ended it.

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 27/08/2014 13:15

Appreciate the background, cats.

Bogey, I know this isn't your thread and I don't want to to step out of line, but often I am so saddened to see you turn up on other affair threads and allude to how broken your marriage is. It's been years hasn't it? I wish you all the best for the future and hope if you want change, you will be able to find it.

I think these categories (by the contentious Perel) are basically interesting / useful in the understanding of life post-affair. My experience also is you get -
1 those who are stuck in the affair, 2 those who 'survive' it like a trauma and are left lesser and sadder by it. 3 And those who find something new and better. I think 3 is very rare, but it does happen. I think 1 doesn't focus enough on the culpability of the betrayer and is actually just as often a result of a betrayer who is ambivalent about staying or who refuses to give up their affair partner secretly and drives their other half mad.

www.huffingtonpost.com/esther-perel/an-affair-to-remember-wha_b_694976.html
www.huffingtonpost.com/esther-perel/an-affair-to-remember-wha_1_b_694980.html
www.huffingtonpost.com/esther-perel/an-affair-to-remember-wha_2_b_694982.html

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/08/2014 13:20

Then something will have changed to have made that happen. I believe 'spidey senses' are the subconscious noticing subtle differences that we can't detect overtly. I'm sorry if you feel on any level that you didn't deserve his loyalty and fidelity just because you were experiencing a crisis.