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Original poster

Post-affair Instant Message Mystery!

171 replies

thecatsmother72 · 26/08/2014 21:19

In July I posted about how I'd discovered my partner of 16 years had slept with a colleague. He had ended the relationship and told her he wanted to stay with me. I had a gut feeling something was up and checked his phone, where I found incriminating texts (which backed up his claim that their affair was over). The reasons the affair started are long and complex and I won't go into it all, likewise my decision to stay and to give our relationship a chance. Since it all came out my partner has been remorseful and transparent, I have access to his phone/emails etc, we have been talking and talking and going over everything and despite many days of rage and pain I've really felt optimistic in the last few weeks that we'd turned the corner. He is, of course, aware that any further transgressions will result in my leaving.

Fast forward to today. I have been sporadically checking his phone, which I'm not proud of but I'm not ready to stop and give him back his privacy yet. Nothing untoward on there, until today I found some instant messaging between him and OW. I'll paraphrase:

OW: That sounded really dramatic didn't it? Wasn't meant to be. I just know it's not sustainable.

DP: Yes it did sound dramatic.

OW: So

DP: Ok.

That's it. So, what the hell am I supposed to make of that? They are still colleagues; can this really be a work related exchange? I haven't confronted my partner about this explicitly but this evening I asked him again, point blank, if there was even the tiniest non-professional relationship there. He gave me his word there wasn't. And the way things have been between us- his remorse, our conversations, his absolute insistence he loves me and wants us to be together- I honestly can't see him continuing to see her.

What do you think?

OP posts:
MillyDots · 27/08/2014 09:55

OP you said in your original post that you paraphrased what was said. Can you put down what was actually said word for word? It might make a difference to how it is interpreted.

Castlemilk · 27/08/2014 10:01

So what was his complete explanation of the exchange?

I would not accept, with ANY explanation, the kind of exchange including ANY relaxed, friendly modes of speaking such as 'Soz', or making ANY references to feelings of ANY kind, such as 'that was dramatic wasn't it?' - ie engaging in talk about personal responses.

I would simply get out. You are being played, even if there is nothing going on, he is conducting his own life as HE sees fit without real regard to YOU - despite what he's done. Still. There is nothing to be saved from that.

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 10:03

Absolutely agree about the messaging being confined to work stuff only. He agreed when this all came out that this would be the case and has reiterated this many times since. And I have found nothing since.

To be fair (ha!) his responses to her IMs yesterday were pretty curt.

OP posts:
MillyDots · 27/08/2014 10:05

Sorry to ask again thecat but you said you paraphrased the conversation. What was said exactly.?

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 10:12

It was word for word. I was going to paraphrase but I got the bloody phone out of his jacket pocket and quoted directly

OP posts:
MillyDots · 27/08/2014 10:18

O ok. Thanks.
thecat what is your gut feeling. Do you feel there is something going on? You know how he was behaving when he was having the affair, he was probably acting weird ,yes?? Is he acting like that in any way now?

Teeb · 27/08/2014 10:20

At one time not so long ago he thought it was acceptable to ignore his wedding vows, ignore you and to have a personal/sexual relationship with this work colleague. Once someone has given themselves that green light to be attracted to someone else, to flirt, to initiate more, sharing a connection, have sex etc then I think it's very difficult to undo that relationship. She is someone he found comfort from, enjoyed her company immensely enough to risk so much. Do you honestly believe he will never be as weak or tempted again? Maybe you do, but then I imagine you believed he never would put you in this position the first time.

It would break my heart every day not knowing what he was doing/thinking and that their relationship was on going. It would break my heart more that he would belittle my feelings because he seems to have decided a line in the sand had been drawn and he was now the authority to be believed that it won't happen again. He's proven himself to be a poor judge of himself, he should be prepared to listen to what you need and want now.

Teeb · 27/08/2014 10:23

I'm not sure either I read his replies as being curt, so much as....wanting clarification that the tone he had picked up on was right and wanting time to absorb that message, with a 'I need to think about this before I respond properly' kind of tone.

FolkGirl · 27/08/2014 10:25

It was about a conference call?

What was the "soz" "ok" all about, then?

And why was it "dramatic"?

In fact, "unsustainable" is the only word that I can imagine having been in relation to a work based conference call.

peggyundercrackers · 27/08/2014 10:27

to me his explanation sounds completely reasonable - it sounds like an IM conversation I would have with someone whilst on a call...

I can understand why but I believe your overthinking things - asking on here for opinions of what the conversation is about isn't helping you either as everyone is guessing and putting their own slant on it - no matter what anyone on here has said the truth of it is they don't know what the conversation was about.

MillyDots · 27/08/2014 10:38

If he has to work with her then I am guessing there is nothing that can be done other than him find a new job. Could he do that? Affairs take on average a good 2 years before you feel able to trust again and things feel more normal. The checking and searching is normal after what has happened. Im sure you feel sick and nervous when you start checking or think of checking. It will go eventually as you feel more secure. As long as he is being utterly transparent, telling you where he is going and who with etc and texting you/phoning when he will be late, telling you how much he loves you, making you feel cherished, doing everything he can to show you that he wants to be with you. Is he wooing you all over again, is he please to see you on the pillow each morning and excited to come home to you every day. Does he put your needs first. Is he like he was when you first started dating? If he is doing all that and apart from your need to check and your low self esteem (which will get better) then you both indeed seem to have turned a corner and both of you have understood what caused the marriage to become vulnerable to an outside influence.

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 10:41

Millydots all of those things you just listed- yes, he is doing them. Genuinely.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/08/2014 10:45

I don't know if you've ever been cheated on peggyundercrackers but 'overthinking' is a pretty normal reaction. A bombshell like that, your perspective changes, and you're left wondering what signs you missed and how you were so easily duped. Old conversations and situations suddenly take on new meaning. Normal things that in the past you wouldn't have given a second thought - like a text message - are suddenly suspicious. Overthinking becomes your default setting

MillyDots · 27/08/2014 10:52

His conversation with her did indeed sound curt and to the point and offered no further need for conversation.
Just try and accept that this is how it will be for a while but each month that passes will see you becoming stronger and the checking will be less and less. You know inside that horrible feeling when he just wasn't there as the man you once knew. Now he is "back". You say you both discussed where the marriage went wrong and Im guessing that without blame in any way, that you have realised that there are reasons that affairs happen. It is not always as simple as the man just having an affair for the sake of it or because he just wanted to. Usually there is something missing in the primary relationship for whatever reason. You both had took your eye of the ball and someone else turned his eye and made him feel amazing. All the things he didn't feel. Yes, he was weak but he is human.
I think that you are both on the road to marital recovery and it wont be easy but if you have both committed to being together then you can do it. You will hopefully find that your marriage will be even better than before. You will never see it the same again. The innocence has gone but in its place will be a more mature relationship that can be so much better.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/08/2014 11:54

" Usually there is something missing in the primary relationship for whatever reason."

I disagree with the use of the word 'usually'. No relationship is perfect and, if someone looks closely enough, they can always find an excuse to justify why screwing around was a good idea at the time.

As for the marriage being 'better than before' because it's not so innocent, I think that's a wildly optimistic statement. The type of suspicion and doubt that the OP is enduring at the moment over a trivial text message is distressing. Over time that can be deeply damaging to someone's mental health.

MillyDots · 27/08/2014 12:02

But that is not what I said is it.
I said that the innocence has gone but in its place will be a more mature relationship that can be so much better.

MillyDots · 27/08/2014 12:06

No relationship is perfect of course but rather than talk about it people tend to just bury their feelings. After affairs if people are working to rebuild the relationship then they both tend to talk properly for the first time in years about how their relationship was and how they both felt and where they both feel they went wrong. There are different types of affairs.

MillyDots · 27/08/2014 12:08

The way the OP is feeling is normal under the circumstances and if she and her DH are trying to work through it then she will understandably feel the need to check occasionally. It will get better though as she starts to feel more secure in the relationship.

lunatuna · 27/08/2014 12:08

I think she was asking him never to contact her again (dramatic, friendship not sustainable) and she is sorry cos he wants to keep chatting to her on the side, misses her conversation/flirting. Sorry. Hope you get sorted x

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 12:16

I honestly do not understand how a relationship, any relationship, can be "better" after one person has so spectacularly trashed it. I can just about stomach "different", but better ? No.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/08/2014 12:24

"where they both feel they went wrong"

Again.... you're suggesting that both parties are in the wrong and somehow equally responsible. I know nothing about the OP at all - she could be the nastiest person on the planet - but why on earth is it a given that she's also in the wrong? If couples aren't talking properly to each other, let them talk.., not one go screwing around just to get the conversation started and then the other supposed to accept they're not perfect either Hmm Bloody mugs game that is.

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 12:29

I have to admit that I dont get the "better" either. I know that many people have said that their marriages are stronger after working through the aftermath of an affair but I dont buy it.

Mine isnt. Its weaker, rubbish and hanging by a thread. One tiny thing would break it totally and thats despite effort of both sides.

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 12:32

That's a shame that is, BF. But the disrespect involved in cheating and sneaking around on someone, thinking you are worth more excitement than them and that your needs are greater can never be rationalised away, IMO.

AnyFucker · 27/08/2014 12:36

I know it sounds patronising, but I do always think the "my marriage is stronger (after he/she shagged around behind my back)" proponents are simply rationalising their own decision to stay and have to find something to pin it on. The rather high proportion of posters who find that actually Mr Swinging Dick is still in contact with Miss Shiny Tits would belie that philosophy as a useful one in many cases.

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 12:40

I agree. I have often thought that it is more a case of someone trying to convince themselves that its stronger, as if by saying the words it will make it true.

The reason my marriage is crap is because of the way the affair changed how I see it. I no longer see it as a rock to be relied on but a changing shifting temporary thing. For example I would never have cheated before, I havent now, but can I hand on heart say that I never will? No, not anymore.