Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Post-affair Instant Message Mystery!

171 replies

thecatsmother72 · 26/08/2014 21:19

In July I posted about how I'd discovered my partner of 16 years had slept with a colleague. He had ended the relationship and told her he wanted to stay with me. I had a gut feeling something was up and checked his phone, where I found incriminating texts (which backed up his claim that their affair was over). The reasons the affair started are long and complex and I won't go into it all, likewise my decision to stay and to give our relationship a chance. Since it all came out my partner has been remorseful and transparent, I have access to his phone/emails etc, we have been talking and talking and going over everything and despite many days of rage and pain I've really felt optimistic in the last few weeks that we'd turned the corner. He is, of course, aware that any further transgressions will result in my leaving.

Fast forward to today. I have been sporadically checking his phone, which I'm not proud of but I'm not ready to stop and give him back his privacy yet. Nothing untoward on there, until today I found some instant messaging between him and OW. I'll paraphrase:

OW: That sounded really dramatic didn't it? Wasn't meant to be. I just know it's not sustainable.

DP: Yes it did sound dramatic.

OW: So

DP: Ok.

That's it. So, what the hell am I supposed to make of that? They are still colleagues; can this really be a work related exchange? I haven't confronted my partner about this explicitly but this evening I asked him again, point blank, if there was even the tiniest non-professional relationship there. He gave me his word there wasn't. And the way things have been between us- his remorse, our conversations, his absolute insistence he loves me and wants us to be together- I honestly can't see him continuing to see her.

What do you think?

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 26/08/2014 22:15

What do YOU think it means, OP? Focus on the facts as much as possible. I know you know him and we don't, but either he's lying or telling the truth but he'd say the same thing both ways so better to focus on actions and facts.

BloodontheTracks · 26/08/2014 22:15

Improving is a change, OP.

BloodontheTracks · 26/08/2014 22:18

Are you not asking him because you want to continue checking without his knowledge?

Pinkballoon · 26/08/2014 22:19

The only other option is for you to text/email her and ask her why she was contacting your husband today? Say you've read all the messages (bluff it - you don't need to explain that there were only 4 that you could access.) You might not like the answer you get, but you might at least get to the bottom of it! If he hasn't told you about this conversation today, then I'd be suspicious as to why. Given all the work that you've put into trying to repair the marriage, he shouldn't be concealing today's messages. And if the messages were innocent, by you contacting her immediately it sends a very clear message to her.

BloodontheTracks · 26/08/2014 22:22

If you're going to go that route, it's IM, she could just as easily pretend to BE him! But that's a tangled web. But bear in mind the first thing she would likely do is contact him and tell him.

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 26/08/2014 22:22

That's true.

I think she has tried to talk to him about things, maybe trying to find out how the land lies. My partner has told me she's asked since it all came out in July how things have been between him and me, and he and I did argue when he tried to tell me it was out of concern and I told him that was bollocks and she was clearly looking for a route back to him. When he left her in March she was angry and had wanted him to leave me. One of her texts at that time (March) says, You've made your feelings perfectly clear.

OP posts:
Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 26/08/2014 22:24

I have considered contacting her but I don't want to give her the satisfaction of thinking she's got the wind up me IYSWIM

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 26/08/2014 22:25

okay, so what in your mind is she saying is not sustainable? Their continued friendship / professional relationship? Seems entirely possible. Are you okay with that, anyway?

I'm not being a shit-stirrer. I'm just mindful that the narrative that gets formed around these things by the husband is almost always that the OW is chasing, whereas in real life I think that's rare, especially when someone's pride has been hurt before in this way.

Fizzyfuzzy123 · 26/08/2014 22:27

I think you need to ask him what it's about because otherwise it will drive you barmy and cause a divide anyway

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 26/08/2014 22:27

BloodontheTracks I think she's saying their continued working relationship is not sustainable.

OP posts:
Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 26/08/2014 22:28

Really appreciate the insight and opinions by the way, don't think anyone is shit stirring! Smile

OP posts:
Pinkballoon · 26/08/2014 22:29

Well if she's in a highly emotional mood at the moment, then now is the time to contact her, as she'll more than likely spill the beans…… At least you'll get to the truth. If you give it a few days for him to calm the situation down and perhaps pacify her (with perhaps a few promises) then she may be less willing to spill the beans and upset him.

I think that given that she has previously been in an affair with your husband, knowing that he was married, and that he's subsequently promised you its all over, that you have every right to demand to know whats going on now. You are his wife.

BloodontheTracks · 26/08/2014 22:30

I understand about your pride regarding her, but I think you should do whatever you want to do, regardless of that. It's perfectly easy to contact someone without losing status. Worrying about seeming bothered by her is, with respect and affection, a way of protecting your ego (which is totally fair enough). It HAS bothered you and that's okay. There's no winning or losing here, it isn't her vs you. It should be about him and what he's doing to preserve and make amends. If you're still being deceived in any way by him it's better you know that than don't look weak in front of her, who is an irrelevance.

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 26/08/2014 22:32

Pinkballoon, I agree. Just worried that it was all innocent and work related and I will end up looking like a twat Hmm

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 26/08/2014 22:32

If you think that's the most likely explanation, thecat's, I think that fits.

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 26/08/2014 22:33

Thank you Blood. Fuck, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 26/08/2014 22:37

I think there's two realistic options. One is to try and embrace openness in the spirit of your new positive marriage and to say what you saw, as I described above and ask outright, in person, what she meant by 'it's not sustainable'. As we said above, if he fairly quickly says working together then i think that's probably the truth. If not, (it would take him a while to come up with a convincing lie) I think there is a problem.

The other is to keep your powder dry, choose to believe it's innocent (which is might well be) and wait and see if anything else turns up that gives you a red flag. I suspect contacting her with the evidence you have will get you nowhere massively helpful right now, as I think it's unlikely she'll spill totally, particularly over a medium like text.

Castlemilk · 26/08/2014 22:37

I think the main issue here is that contact with even a sniff of the sort of personal air to it that this exchange has should simply never have happened!!!

Their conversation is as two 'friends', not even colleagues. It is personal in its air, even if they had been talking about work - which I doubt.

I'm afraid I'd simply show him the exchange and say, I don't accept this. This kind of contact is not acceptable to me. You should know this, and I won't accept any explaining away either. You now have the choice of no communication at all with her, or we are finished.

BloodontheTracks · 26/08/2014 22:39

What I'm more concerned about I suppose is this is a pretty dodgy situation, them still working together etc. what are the boundaries set up? It sounds from the exchange anyway, as you say, that there is an intimacy there that is inappropriate anyway after an affair. Really, they should be having no contact at all in an ideal world and then you can feel a bit safer and not drive yourself mad.

Pinkballoon · 26/08/2014 22:40

I personally think that contacting her would make you look strong and send a very clear message to them both that you're not going to be messed around. Remember that he is your husband! Would they really be sending IMs about work? Wouldn't email be more appropriate? Perhaps start message with:"Any reason why you were contacting my husband today?" If she's having a hard time with it at the moment, she might spill.

I'd go with your gut instinct in terms of what the IMs mean. If you immediately felt that there was something amiss, there probably is.

BloodontheTracks · 26/08/2014 22:41

Castle is right. Do you know you got to the bottom of what happened between them? It's a bit of a slap in the face they are even in touch like this. I'm not sure any work situation requires individual contact like this and it should be totally off the table, with an offer to move jobs on his part, at least.

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 26/08/2014 22:42

Yes. And their close proximity could well prove, to use her words, not sustainable to me. My partner is aware of that.

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 26/08/2014 22:46

Can you raise that? It's clearly proving a problem to them too. or her at least.

LuluJakey1 · 26/08/2014 22:46

Just ask him to explain the texts. They either refer to an earlier text/ email which you have not seen or to a conversation between them.
You have the right to an explanation given what he has done.
Might be nothing but he should explain so you are reassured or you can tell he is lying.

BloodontheTracks · 26/08/2014 22:49

If you do contact her I'd actually suggest you do it over the phone or in person if you can stomach it. If not, I'd email or text at a time when he's at home and you can make sure they're not communicating about what to say to you etc. It depends what your aim is. If you want to know the truth you're better off going in there quite reasonable and compassionate (ha) so she doesn't feel ashamed and judged, that's why most people lie. Whereas if you just want her to back off, you could go in quite strong and aggressive, as pink suggests. But then my feeling is that the right place for that sort of angry boundary setting is with him.