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Original poster

Post-affair Instant Message Mystery!

171 replies

thecatsmother72 · 26/08/2014 21:19

In July I posted about how I'd discovered my partner of 16 years had slept with a colleague. He had ended the relationship and told her he wanted to stay with me. I had a gut feeling something was up and checked his phone, where I found incriminating texts (which backed up his claim that their affair was over). The reasons the affair started are long and complex and I won't go into it all, likewise my decision to stay and to give our relationship a chance. Since it all came out my partner has been remorseful and transparent, I have access to his phone/emails etc, we have been talking and talking and going over everything and despite many days of rage and pain I've really felt optimistic in the last few weeks that we'd turned the corner. He is, of course, aware that any further transgressions will result in my leaving.

Fast forward to today. I have been sporadically checking his phone, which I'm not proud of but I'm not ready to stop and give him back his privacy yet. Nothing untoward on there, until today I found some instant messaging between him and OW. I'll paraphrase:

OW: That sounded really dramatic didn't it? Wasn't meant to be. I just know it's not sustainable.

DP: Yes it did sound dramatic.

OW: So

DP: Ok.

That's it. So, what the hell am I supposed to make of that? They are still colleagues; can this really be a work related exchange? I haven't confronted my partner about this explicitly but this evening I asked him again, point blank, if there was even the tiniest non-professional relationship there. He gave me his word there wasn't. And the way things have been between us- his remorse, our conversations, his absolute insistence he loves me and wants us to be together- I honestly can't see him continuing to see her.

What do you think?

OP posts:
guinnessguzzler · 27/08/2014 13:29

I think just highlights how damaging it is to your relationship for them to continue working together. The explanation is perfectly plausible and yet still I suspect you may have doubts. He probably doesn't want his career to be messed up as a result of his affair but unfortunately that is one of the many likely and predictable consequences of the choice he made. If I were you I would seriously consider giving him the choice between finding a new job and finding a new partner.

If he really is pulling out all the stops at the moment he may soon feel frustrated that you can't move on but of course you will find it harder to move on knowing they are seeing each other on a regular basis. In other words, them continuing to work together is setting yourselves up for failure. If he is serious about you this should matter as much to him as it does to you.

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 13:34

Cogito, I think when I first discovered this I was so in shock and ready to cling onto anything that I bigged up the fact that our relationship had been so unhappy. To be fair, he hasn't ever tried to use it as an excuse.

Like I said, things were shit for me too and I have never been unfaithful. But people do make mistakes and fuck up. Up until then things had been good and his behaviour never gave me cause for concern. It's not like he's got form. So I have to decide if what he's done is indicative of something I hitherto hadn't picked up on in his character, or if he made a massive mistake and I can trust him to not do it again.

OP posts:
HanselandGretel · 27/08/2014 13:36

Op, the IM exchange doesn't sound work related at all. It's more conversational. I wouldn't believe him. I would also suggest he gets himself a new job well away from her.

One year of you needing his support while you went through issues from the past??? That is a drop in the ocean. You say he looked after you through this yet he speared you in the heart at the same time?? No, he is not worth it from what you describe and I would be hauling him off to counselling at the very least, sounds like you have been forced to 'move on' from this betrayal in haste, to bury your worries and eat it up. Not acceptable.

BloodontheTracks · 27/08/2014 14:35

Was he specific about the work situation that was not sustainable? Presumably a conference call it's easy to check that? There would be evidence on his phone or Skype?

Anyway, as cog says, the detail is less important than the situation itself and you are brave to admit that on discovery you 'clung'. I think it's worth reassessing now whether it's worth clinging too and find your own strength with which to make completely reasonable demands like they no longer work together.

Greenrememberedhills · 27/08/2014 14:51

It is widely acknowledged that after an affair one of the key requirements for moving on is for the affair partners to no longer work together. That should be a given.

It's hard to see why your instinct told you something wasn't right three months after the end of the affair. I do think spidey senses are pretty good in this respect- if something didn't seem right, it probably wasn't. There and then, though. Not retrospectively.

Also I don't think any private contact between them is excusable, in the circumstances. Or necessary. I've managed plenty of work meetings and phone conferences without it.

The language is off, too. Very personal.

And finally it is quite possible that the exchange refers to their private life, and the actual drama they have concocted.

I'm surprised he took the risk,frankly.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/08/2014 15:00

"It's not like he's got form."

But you don't know that for sure. It's part and parcel of the suspicion/doubt cycle that infidelity kicks off. If you hadn't checked the phone when you did the messages could have been deleted, you'd have been none the wiser and, instead of fretting over a text-message, you'd be one of those women who proudly tell others that their DH is a decent and faithful man.

simontowers2 · 27/08/2014 16:48

Personally OP, i dont get this whole transparency thing which people talk about post affairs. Bottom line is you either trust people when they say tehy wont stray again or you dont. It cant be, "i trust you but i want to keep checking your phone etc just in case." That is no marriage. It is 100 per cent trust or forget it. Well that would be me anyway. If i decided to give somebody another chance, it would be based on the premise that i 100 pc trusted them.

foxyterrier197 · 27/08/2014 17:12

OP, I think it is still too early for you to decide. A couple of months to process what has happened is nothing. I am 11 months on from finding out about my husband's affair. It has, at times, been hell. I just couldn't conceive how he could do that to me and our family. But we are, amazingly, coming out of this. Dare I say it, I trust him not to repeat that behaviour, and our relationship does feel stronger. I still have bouts of anxiety, but share that with him, and he is understanding and reassuring. He very obviously regrets what he did and I am 'on the way' to forgiveness...but it's not been easy or pretty.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 19:09

Thank you X

FoxyTerrier may I ask- if you don't mind - did you uncover your DH's affair or did he confess? And how was your relationship 2 months post-discovery? Sorry you're going through this, you sound very positive x

OP posts:
janajos · 27/08/2014 20:00

Good point from foxy about being on the 'way to forgive'.... I didn't mean to sound glib earlier, it is not easy to forgive, but it is the only way, whether we stay or go.....

Also, I do think I would find it very hard to move on in the relationship if my (D)H was still working with the OW.... For me, that would be a deal breaker.

JonesTheSteam · 27/08/2014 20:18

I'm 8 months on from finding out about my DH's affair. I could have written foxy's post....

I think it's way too soon.

Saying if you don't trust him then what kind of life is it isn't useful at this point. It's very early on in the process.

MillyDots · 27/08/2014 21:23

thecats and Jones it does get better. Think of it as building a new relationship together. Eventually the searing pain that takes you by surprise fades and you start to forget. I'm ten years on. OP I did post earlier today Smile

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 22:47

So tempted to send a text to the OW...I shouldn't do that, should I

OP posts:
HanselandGretel · 27/08/2014 22:50

Only do it if you want to give her a sense of importance.

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 22:53

That's what I think...it would give her the satisfaction, right? Just so tempted though.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 22:53

Hansel is bang on.

You being so bothered about it will (in her head) show just how much she meant to him, how important their affair was, how he would be with her now if it wasnt for you, you controlling bitch.

Dont give her the satisfaction!

BloodontheTracks · 27/08/2014 22:54

I'm not sure it would give her a sense of satisfaction, but I have no idea how it would help YOU. Would it be to find out more information or to 'claim your territory' ?

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 22:55

Meant to say, in her head if it was just a roll in the hay they you wouldnt be so bothered would you? The fact that you are gives it much more significance and may create a reason (again, in her deluded slapper brain) for her to try and start things up again. I think your H has learned his lesson but frankly if you are going to repair things you dont need a bunny boiler making an already difficult situation even harder.

foxyterrier197 · 27/08/2014 22:55

OP...OW's husband called me to tell me, whilst at work. It was horrendous, and my stomach still drops through the floor when I remember that moment. I felt that my whole world had caved in at that point, and for a good while afterwards.

In all honestly, 2 months on, I was a mess. I was angry and resentful, but knew that we both wanted to make it work. I had the odd 'good day' but spent a lot of time asking how/why/fuck you, etc. There were many very dark days.

When I found out and confronted my husband, he says it was like a bubble bursting, and he could see clearly that he had made a huge mistake. It is a bizarre thing, and I still struggle to get my head around it - but am getting there. I never ever thought he would do something like this. I can honestly say that now, I have mostly good days, but the odd thing knocks me back and he picks up on it immediately. It has only worked because he has been remorseful and ashamed of his behaviour. I think I had a blind trust before, that I maybe don't have now - maybe that is realistic, I don't know.

I don't think other people interpreting your DH's instant messaging threads is helpful for you. It is very tough on you that they are still working together. My DH & OW were/are colleagues, but she is based abroad. He recently had to spend a week away and she was there, which was hard. He gave me his itinerary, called me and emailed me very regularly and was so happy to see me when I collected him at the airport, I felt confident he wants to be with me. It has been a very long road to get to this point however.

Don't be hard on yourself, don't expect it to all be back to normal so soon. There will be so many questions you will need answering, and hopefully your DH will be oblige. His behaviour will help you decide, but give it time, would be my advice.

Take care - PM me if you would like to.

Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 22:57

I think just to vent...and to warn her off. Up until now she has presumably not really regarded me as a real person. Maybe I just need to make my presence and existence felt. I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
thecatsmother72 · 27/08/2014 22:59

Foxy thanks for answering my questions x

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 23:01

The thing is that she wont care.

She will write you off as a hysterical possessive bitch, which explains why he had the affair. She HAS to do that because otherwise she would need the face the fact that she cheerfully boffed a married man without giving 2 shiny shites about his wife and kids. No one wants to be that person, so she will square it in her head that she was loving him and supporting him because you are a mad nagging harridan.

It wont make you feel better.

Neither will posting the tit pic she sent him on a no string sex website along with her mobile number. That will just get you a phone call from the police with a "friendly warning". Sadly. Wink
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Bitch had to change her number, email and never did the get the pic deleted though. HA!! [evil] :o

BloodontheTracks · 27/08/2014 23:03

Is this coming from reading other threads on here?

Look, you absolutely can do that, and I personally find the 'satisfaction' argument specious. But I think you know that the truth under that argument is more that if someone 'warns off' another woman, it kind of has the nasty underlying implication that the wife 'can't control her man' and is trying to control the situation from the other side. I think all the pride stuff is a bit beside the point. But I am actually in favor of bursting bubbles and making people real to one another. You're entirely within your rights to do it and you are both people, not intimidating, separate ideas that he can 'manage'. So it's up to you, but leave it a day or two to cool off, I'd say, so you can decide properly.

Also be prepared that you may find out some stuff that could be hard to deal with.

foxyterrier197 · 27/08/2014 23:05

No problem. I feel for you, I really do.

FWIW, I emailed OW after 3 months and told her how she'd made me feel. It was calm and measured, but I told her in no uncertain terms what sort of person I thought she was. I know others will say it was the wrong thing to do, but it really helped me feel that I had some control of the situation. She messaged back to say I'd go her all wrong, I told her I didn't care what she thought and she'd never hear from me again. And I have never had the desire to contact her again...it helped me draw a line under it somehow. I felt I had a voice in the whole thing somehow.

Bogeyface · 27/08/2014 23:11

Oh and the second one (yes, there were 2), the messages arranging their meet up were on FB. The meet up never happened because I had his FB password and messaged her "This is "BF's Husbands Wife. You can fucking have him. Shame that Slappers Husbands name* isnt enough for you that you need to shag my husband too"

Within minutes H was blocked by her and her best friend (who he also knew, slapper was an ex of his). Later that night he was blocked by her husband too so I assume she got her DH's log in and did it that way. It was a quick and easy way of showing her that not only did I know but that I knew who her husband was and how to contact him. She didnt block me though as our accounts are not linked so I could still message her DH if I want to. I wont, but she knows I could.......