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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dealing with separation

182 replies

keptinthedark · 24/01/2014 00:08

my husband has been gone almost four weeks ......the pain is still insurmountable ...i can't eat or sleep i just sob and wail ...i want him back so badly i am in tablets from the doctor but they are n
ot helping .....help me

OP posts:
Original poster
keptinthedark · 03/02/2014 21:47

middle dc left her phone in h car yesterday so he turned up tonight with it right on bathtime so i let him bath the two youngest dcs and tuck them into bed i stayed out iof the way the dcs loved it but it killed me it was just like he was still here he went to hug me goodbye but i pulled away that also killed me. has anyone on here ever got back with their h after an affair?? if so how long were you apart wn did it ever work ? people we telling me to move on but in my head i know we have unfinished business and i can't

OP posts:
tm1957 · 03/02/2014 22:16

It is very early to expect you to move on. But you will. I was dropped the bombshell a year ago. 25th January 2013. I forgave h 3x. And 3x he crapped on me again. It has been a very very long year. A long haul. I have done everything, EVERYTHING, I can to make things right. Nothing, but nothing will change. All the lies, betrayal, broken vows, no forgiveness will make you forget. But you will in time move on. I only saw a solicitor last week. Now the ball is rolling I kind of feel empowered. Do not entertain any feelings for the OW. In fact, feel NOTHING for her, for that is what she is. NOTHING to you. If you find yourself thinking of the bint, flick your shoulder, she'll be gone for a minute or so and you can focus on better things. Do see a counsellor. I have been seeing mine since August last year and my session with her last week was the first one in which I didn't cry. I am seeing her tomorrow and I may cry. Everything everyone has posted here has made sense to me. I have lots to do in the house to 'clean' it of him but I will (love the perfume on the clothes btw!!!). I haven't taken a bath since I was pregnant 17 years ago, but intend to buy some bubbles tomorrow and do that too.

Everything said on posts here are true and make sense. You will see that but it takes time. YOUR time. Not his.

tm1957 · 03/02/2014 22:32

Oh, and on a lighter note, when you decide to pack his fishing gear away for him, be sure to pack in some stinky fish for him in the gear.

Original poster
keptinthedark · 06/02/2014 21:26

told h i was going to file for divorce and name ow and he has turned really evil saying if i love him i wouldn't do that

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handfulofcottonbuds · 06/02/2014 22:52

Have you seen a solicitor yet?

Just a bit of advice, if you do file under adultery and name OW then she can defend the divorce and make it very complicated. You're better off not mentioning her.

Do you feel stronger this week?

tm1957 · 06/02/2014 22:55

I was just going to post exactly that Cotton. I have just filed this week under adultery WITHOUT citing ow as she can defend and then costs just rise and I certainly won't be paying anything out for that bint.

handfulofcottonbuds · 06/02/2014 23:08

tm1957 - I have done the same today! I hope you're okay?

kept - I would say that if you don't intend to divorce your H just yet, don't threaten it. I am 5 months down the line and although I have been hurting so much, I never once said I was going to divorce him. I needed to know that I was 100% certain that was what I intended to do. He will get the papers tomorrow.

I have always had it in my mind all the way through this terrible time to maintain my dignity, that is power - not over him or his OW - but for me.

It's hard, I know and so do many other women on here, but only say things you mean lovely.

talullah57 · 06/02/2014 23:23

I am up and down cotton tbh. It is now a year on and I'm tired. Read a lot of posts here but don't post much myself. Have learnt alot in mn in only a couple of days. The rollercoaster of emotions is huge and fast. I've been to hell and back in past year and have frankly been alone for past 12 or so years. This has all happened on my doorstep which is the hardest. I'll get through it. Just wish I was somewhere else geographically.

Original poster
keptinthedark · 06/02/2014 23:26

didn't mean a word of it wanted to see his reaction which was not what i wanted he just got angry and said but we agreed on two year separation i wanted him to say it was to final but he didn't just got worked up about me mentioning naming ow said she wouldn't like it like i give a damn about her!!!

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Original poster
keptinthedark · 08/02/2014 22:34

so h calls me and says that he is worried about the fact that i am still so upset wtf does he expect he says he values me as a friend and wants me to find someone else and be happy again wtf does he expect!!??!!

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handfulofcottonbuds · 10/02/2014 23:39

How are you doing kept?

Can you update?

Original poster
keptinthedark · 11/02/2014 12:04

not good i am afraid to say still cannot except its really over h has got kids for first time overnight on Saturday maybe i should go out? don't think i am ready though just wish i could make him see his made a big mistake abduction for him to come home where he belongs

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handfulofcottonbuds · 11/02/2014 12:59

Did you manage to rearrange your working hours yet? I do think that if you're still off work then you have an awful lot of time to think about him and not any distractions from those thoughts.

How about you contact that friend who you went to lunch with a couple of weeks ago and meet for lunch again? Just something different to the same torturous routine.

Do you think your ADs are working now?

Original poster
keptinthedark · 11/02/2014 22:25

still signed off work are looking to change my hours but no luck yet .....h sent me a lovey dovey text tonight and then apologized said it was meant for ow it broke my heart i think he did it on purpose part of his game playing what for you think??

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handfulofcottonbuds · 11/02/2014 22:30

YES!!! Definitely! He's cruel, just cruel.

He can only win his games if you allow him.

Do you know what, I hope you get to the stage where you say she's welcome to him.

I said that to my H and it sent him into a panic and then I stopped contact, best thing I did.

Original poster
keptinthedark · 12/02/2014 15:01

received a text from h last night saying how much he loved me then received a call thirty minutes later saying the text was meant for ow!! omg that killed me i think he did it on purpose what a horrible think to do i spent thirty minutes thinking that the nightmare was finally over

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Onmyownwith4kids · 12/02/2014 15:12

Of course he did it on purpose..trying to get a reaction out of you..How utterly sad and pathetic..there was no way that text was sent by accident..don't rise too it..He's just not worth it

Chyochan · 12/02/2014 15:30

Omg, what you have just described sounds unhinged, what a freak he is.

One day you will see you are so well rid.

I hope its soon.

handfulofcottonbuds · 12/02/2014 17:09

kept - please read the posts on your thread lovely. There is so much good advice on here, it will help you to read it all together.

Keep saying this out loud, "how dare he treat me like this, I won't let him"!!

Original poster
keptinthedark · 13/02/2014 19:39

omg yet again i get another text meant for ow sent to me by mistake .....why is he being so cruel to me how can you make the same mistake twice in as many days??? bet him and ow are having a really good laugh at my expense !!

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TheCatThatSmiled · 14/02/2014 03:37

Kept - he is an evil fucker. He knows exactly what he's doing. Messing with your head, keeping you off balance. That way he keeps control. And keeps you dangling on the end of his hook. Just in case it doesn't work out or he gets bored and decides he'll come back for a bit. Until the next OW.
The messages are because you threatened divorce. To fuck with you a bit, so you forget all that stuff and go back to being the manageable, biddable back up plan.

Tell him nothing. Give him no information. Build a wall and get behind it. He his not your friend.

Original poster
keptinthedark · 16/02/2014 17:30

so finally h has two youngest dcs overnight last night and because he spent all day on the phone to ow my son ended up hysterical and being brought home at two this morning .......i have also just found out h has sold his wedding ring!! what an evil callous thing to do i feel like he has stabbed me in the heart all over again i am still not getting over him i still love him and desperately want him back am still an emotional wreck

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TheCatThatSmiled · 17/02/2014 23:44

Kept, you are grieving for the loss of your relationship, the man you thought he was, not who he actually is.

Selling the ring is cruel, but no more cruel this all the other stuff he's done.

Stay strong, you will get through this.

Original poster
keptinthedark · 20/02/2014 00:55

so found out h got engaged on valentines day to ow now he has decided he wants a quick divorce so he can marry the slut !! he can bloody well wait don't you think??

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neiljames77 · 20/02/2014 14:13

No, fwiw, I don't think so.
Give him his divorce, get rid of him and get on with the rest of your life.
He's a horrible, spiteful man. You need to stop pining for him. For your sake and your children's sakes.

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