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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dealing with separation

182 replies

keptinthedark · 24/01/2014 00:08

my husband has been gone almost four weeks ......the pain is still insurmountable ...i can't eat or sleep i just sob and wail ...i want him back so badly i am in tablets from the doctor but they are n
ot helping .....help me

OP posts:

MissScatterbrain · 31/01/2014 16:39

You need to re direct some of that anger to your ex - he CHOSE to leave you. No one forced him.

You really need to start planning and doing nice things for yourself and the DC - this will boost your self esteem and stop you from thinking too much about the ex and OW.

I am going to have to leave this thread as I don't feel that what I am saying is helping. You don't seem to be taking anything in and you seem to need the kind of help that we cannot offer

PatriciaHolm · 31/01/2014 17:12

You won't just look deranged, you'll get arrested and confirm what's he's no doubt been telling her and his family about you being a dangerous loon.

If it wasn't her, it would be another woman. And always will be. He doesn't love you, he loves the power he has over you. He likes the idea of keeping you all on little strings, playing his game. He's vile and deserves no more of your headspace.

Please please try to disengage as much as you can. Can someone else be there to do handovers for a bit so you don't have to see him at all?

MissScatterbrain · 31/01/2014 17:26

(and I hope you were joking about attacking OW )

Original poster

keptinthedark · 31/01/2014 19:27

truly sorry if any of you feel that i am not reading your comments i wm and believe me they have Bernard of great comfort to me especially at night i know that i am finding it impossible to move on yrs i am trying but to no avail so to any of you that i have offended i am sorry x

OP posts:

neiljames77 · 31/01/2014 19:35

You've not offended anyone kept, people who have been where you are now are just desperate to help you and want you to get over the first hurdle, which is to accept that your husband is an oxygen thief, who is no good for you and your kids.

Who's Bernard?

MissScatterbrain · 31/01/2014 19:51

You haven'r offended me...its just that you need a lot of help and I feel that I am not being helpful to you.

Original poster

keptinthedark · 31/01/2014 20:00

sorry should say been

OP posts:

handfulofcottonbuds · 31/01/2014 20:03

Neil - think she meant 'been', predictive text and all that.

kept - I do think you need proper support. As missscatter says, you haven't offended anyone. You do seem stronger than in your last thread, I can see that.

The night times are tough and I think that's where your posts seem confusing and seem like you haven't moved forward - could also be the vodka at times.

You have done well to sort out Council Tax etc, baby steps are okay, it's still very raw for you.

IMO, you need to try and stop concentrating on OW, it will destroy you. Yes, she has done wrong but it's your H who has done this.

Can you try and push OW out of your head when she comes into it? She deserves none of your time.

Original poster

keptinthedark · 01/02/2014 00:42

thank you i am trying but i feel destroyed i am still reeling from his betrayal of everything we had together i cannot comprehend how this has happened and i need to figure out how i can naked things right

OP posts:

Original poster

keptinthedark · 01/02/2014 00:42

make things right

OP posts:

TinselTownley · 01/02/2014 00:52

It's not your responsibility to make things right. With respect, he just sounds like a total waste of time and energy.

Did you pick his clothes and tie his laces for him too?

mrsmciver · 01/02/2014 00:56

You can make things right by concentrating on yourself and your children's future. By trying to give your h as little head space as possible. Keep thinking of how badly he has treated you(that's what I do when I start to get all maudlin) and that way some anger will come and it will be the anger that will give you the strength to carry on.

Original poster

keptinthedark · 01/02/2014 01:12

yes tinsel i did everything for him i used to wait up till eleven at night to cook his tea then get up wt four am to go to work i devoted my whole life to making him and our dcs lives easy and comfortable but obviously it wasn't enough for him

OP posts:

PatriciaHolm · 01/02/2014 01:12

You can't make things right, because nothing you did was wrong. You don't seem to get that, really. He fucked up, you didn't. Nothing you did. He's the turd because he is. And he always will be.

Original poster

keptinthedark · 01/02/2014 09:53

h is due ion half an hour to collect youngest dc am going to not let him over the doorstep and definately no cuddles although that is killing me cos I just want to be near him I am so sad

OP posts:

Joy5 · 01/02/2014 10:55

kept
Hope u managed to stick to the arrangement, it can't have been easy, but you're getting there, just leave him to his own mess he created, and concentrate on you and your children. If hes collecting the youngest hope you've got the eldest to keep you company.

Know what its like to be left alone, not good. :)

Original poster

keptinthedark · 01/02/2014 17:14

yes I stuck to the arrangement ie kids on the doorstep and no hugging although the later part is killing me as I miss him like mad he has bought back dc now and dc is disgruntled as he did not buy him a treat like he did last week and promised to do he said he had no money but he is wearing a three hundred pound watch to replace the one I bought him as a wedding present which has the date of the wedding engraved on the back!! so already he is letting the dcs down on his promises

OP posts:

handfulofcottonbuds · 01/02/2014 17:17

He's horrible really isn't he?! Your poor DCs.

Did he tell you how much the watch cost?

Well done on the not hugging and the doorstep handover.

Original poster

keptinthedark · 01/02/2014 17:26

he did not tell me how much the watch cost but it does not look cheap around three hundred quid I would say I have told him to give me back the watch and also his eight hundred pound wedding ring he stopped wearing last week but he is refusing

OP posts:

handfulofcottonbuds · 01/02/2014 17:32

Legally, they were gifts so he doesn't have to give them back. If/when you do start to sort out finances though, anything over £500 is an asset so he will have to declare the ring at least.

What are your plans for the weekend?

Original poster

keptinthedark · 01/02/2014 22:06

sat here sobbing five weeks ago i had the perfect family the perfect life planning our annual two weeks in the sun and now it has all been torn apart don't feel that life is going to be ok ever again i want it back so badly it hurts

OP posts:

handfulofcottonbuds · 01/02/2014 23:52

kept - 5 weeks ago you believed you had the perfect life but you didn't I'm afraid. Your H had already checked out of it and has been nasty ever since.

2 weeks in the sun will come again when you feel stronger. The most important thing is that you have your DCs and you have your health.

Please can you see your GP again?

I promise you, life will be okay again, different, but it will be okay. I never thought it could be again but it does get better.

Are you taking your ADs at the same time each day? What strength are you on?

Original poster

keptinthedark · 02/02/2014 00:14

i want ti believe you i really do but the days are int so dark and the nights even darker i am on double strength ads now as so doc on Thursday i have just gone out in the pouring rain and sat in my car looking up at the bedroom theyare in together knowing what they are doing i know i sound mad and crazy but that's what this is doing to me!!

OP posts:

PatriciaHolm · 03/02/2014 10:02

Right, well the ADs will take a couple of weeks to kick in, but hopefully they will help.

please don't go sitting outside his house. That way stalkerdom lies, and that is a whole heap of trouble you don't need. Were the children at home alone when you went out?

Original poster

keptinthedark · 03/02/2014 11:05

yes asleep oldest is 16 though

OP posts:

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