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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dealing with separation

182 replies

keptinthedark · 24/01/2014 00:08

my husband has been gone almost four weeks ......the pain is still insurmountable ...i can't eat or sleep i just sob and wail ...i want him back so badly i am in tablets from the doctor but they are n
ot helping .....help me

OP posts:
mrsmciver · 26/01/2014 09:15

How are you this morning kept?
I hope that you have something planned for today. x

TinselTownley · 26/01/2014 09:41

His actions are unspeakably vile and, as everyone says, you need to block and/or ignore his inappropriate and - frankly - bizarre messages.

It will get better but never, ever, ever with him. Do not let him erode you any further. He is beneath contempt.

handfulofcottonbuds · 26/01/2014 10:34

When he did this before, was he sending you texts like that and still hugging you and giving you false hope?

I'm going to request that one of my previous posts is deleted so it doesn't out you.

Original poster
keptinthedark · 26/01/2014 11:46

yes before not only the texts but also everytime he came to see the children we were sleeping together not just cuddling so in a way that was worse. I spent an hour and a half talking to my first ex husband, who incidently did the same thing! and he said that he only wanted me when I got with my now estranged husband but realised it was too late at that point. On a positive I have finally today changed the sheets on the marital bed although I will still be cuddling up to his bathrobe for many more months to come I suspect! Saw him this morning and the usual cuddle in fact he almost forgot for a minute and tried to kiss me but I turned away he stunk of alcohol

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 26/01/2014 11:49

He is being so cruel to you when you are vulnerable. I believe some do want wives back when they find someone else.

Well done on changing the sheets, it's a big step. Can you put a stop to the cuddling?

TinselTownley · 26/01/2014 12:20

Poor, poor you. Can you start with baby steps? Such as setting firmly in your head that when you communicate about the children or he comes to see them, it is about them and then alone? Don't be side-tracked, don't hug etc? It is a boundary you can establish in your own mind to help claw back some control. He won't respect that boundary but, if you can stick to it, you will start to feel a little better, I'm sure.

The bathrobe thing is dependent on the robe being there, which presumably he wants it to be. Can you bring yourself to give it back to him?

Stay busy. Immerse yourself in your children. It's what I do then, halfway through, I find myself smiling and laughing. You, the 'real you' is still there - no matter how lost you feel.

Do take the utmost care of yourself. You are very worthy. He is foul.

Original poster
keptinthedark · 26/01/2014 12:41

I know that I have to toughen up and its reassuring that those of you on here before who recognised my previous threads say that I do seem to be not quite as deep in the pit of misery that I was four weeks ago.....I dont feel that i am every day is just such a struggle and every night goes on for ever and ever especially when I know that he is in bed with ow. I have now talked my youngest dc into see his dad as unfortunately i realise that he has to have a relationship with them although I feel he has no right to be in their lives after what he has done to them their worlds have fallen around their ears and it will never be the same for them and I know that when they are with him and the texts that they send him are all asking him to come back! everyone is telling me that I need to stop discussing the situation with everyone and not talk about h but I cannot I still even after four weeks feel like I am living in a complete nightmare and am praying that I will wake up in a minute and it will all be over. As for H he is still living in his fantasy world with ow who as she lives a four hour drive away he is only seeing on a weekend meaning that their relationship is not going to burn out as quickly as it may have done if she was nearer. Although I feel her comments to him that she would understand if he went back to his wife mean that she is maybe not as committed to their relationship as he is , I mean it does mean her having three young dcs in her life when she is nearly 50 something perhaps she had not considered fully upon starting their relationship??

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 26/01/2014 12:49

I take it that the people saying you shouldn't be discussing it are members of his family? Of course they'll say that because posters on here will be giving you good advice on how to move forward and do what's best for you and your DC's. I also assume that the OW doesn't know what he's been doing when he pays you his visits.
BTW, bin the dressing gown.

Original poster
keptinthedark · 26/01/2014 12:59

no not members of his family they have welcomed ow with open arms two weeks ago they held a party in her honour to welcome her and then they put all over facebook how great it is that h has met ow and finally got away from me the bitch after 12 years of hell!! they have not considered the dcs in any of this obviously!!

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 26/01/2014 13:55

I'd usually say that kids should have a father's involvement but this bloke and his poisonous family shouldn't have any influence on them. He's no kind of role model at all. You'd be better off with a complete fresh start in new surroundings in a different area. If he still wanted contact with your DC's, I'm sure he'd be prepared to travel. He is, after all travelling 4 hours to get his end away.
In time, the kids would make new friends and so would you. At the moment, what you're trying to get back is toxic and what you're prepared to accept is toxic. Your children need to see that you're not prepared to accept any old crap just to keep the status quo.

handfulofcottonbuds · 26/01/2014 14:14

When he came this morning stinking of alcohol, had he driven to you?

The dressing gown thing I completely understand and you will let go of it when you are ready. I slept for months with pillows propped up behind me to pretend someone was next to me. I also opened his wardrobe now and again to look at his clothes, they didn't smell of him though as I had sprayed my perfume on them - kind of marking my territory before he took them Smile

It all sounds very fake. He meets another OW who lives miles away, his family throw a 'welcome to the family you adulterer' party and make sure you know about it. He acts like he's still married to you and OW says she'll 'understand' if he wants to go back with you. If she did say this, then it's probably because she's seen what a freak of a family he's got and wants no part of it.

TinselTownley · 26/01/2014 15:41

He sounds like he is the product of a very strange family and you should be able to talk, cry, scream and rage with impunity.

It will get better and - when it does - I suspect he will be stuck in the same malignant patterns of behaviour. More fool that other woman.

Original poster
keptinthedark · 26/01/2014 16:29

yes he had driven to me this morning and I did contemplate him not taking dc but did not want to cause a scene. As for his clothes when i packed them up a couple of weeks ago I did not remove them very carefully from the hangers so most now have rips/tears and buttons missing I also sprayed them with my perfume! I am sure that ow does not know that he is hugging me everytime he visits dont think she would be too impressed but then she is still living with her partner up country so I dont suppose she can say much although ow has told h that they are not sleeping together??? likely story!! I know that you all think he is a poisonous rat that should be put down but I do and always will love him it took a lot for me to trust anyone after my first husband who basically had lead a double life for six months before he left with a flat, credit cards, phone etc all of which I knew nothing about!! and my h knows that which is why it hurts even more that he can do this to me and to our dcs

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 26/01/2014 16:45

Smile at the not taking the clothes off the hangers carefully.

It is fine to know that you will always love him, I will always love my H - but the man he was, not the man who hurt me with such disregard.

He shouldn't be driving stinking of booze but then I'm not going to go on about that.

So, his family had a 'welcome to the family' thing for OW and put it on FB and she's still living with her partner who is unaware?? Wow, just wow.

Sadly, our husbands do know the pain we have been through in the past and that makes it worse when they hurt us so heartlessly for their own gratification.

You are a long way off and I know you realise that, but you sound like a different woman. You should be proud of the baby steps you are taking.

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir · 26/01/2014 22:55

Hi Kept, just popping in to see how you are.

Original poster
keptinthedark · 26/01/2014 23:16

sat here with h bathrobe sobbing when he brought dc back i didn't except the cuddle and immediately the atmosphere changed and not in a good way have spent most of the night sending h texts telling him what a waste of space he is how he is selfish and self centered and arrogant and i cannot believe despite all this i still want him back he is killing me slowly and very painfully my heart is in pieces and he does not care

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 26/01/2014 23:19

How was he responding to the texts lovely?

Original poster
keptinthedark · 26/01/2014 23:24

that's the annoying part six texts and not one response from him!! ? so my last text was fine you are ignoring me consider the favour returned!!

OP posts:
MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir · 26/01/2014 23:26

Kept, you have just said it. He does not care. You need to let him go and try to have no contact with him. I know you have sent the texts now, but really do try not to communicate, only for your dc's sake. You will get through this, really you will. We all know how you are feeling and we are too, except some of us are a little further down the line from you. I hope you are looking after yourself and making sure you eat something. I was on a banana a day for ages, just so I could go to work without feeling like passing out. Take care.

handfulofcottonbuds · 26/01/2014 23:27

Okay kept, can you try not to text him. Trust me, I know how hard it is. Distract yourself, post on here, anything when you feel you are going to. It will drive him nuts that you don't contact him - only about the DCs when absolutely necessary. He's loving all of this chasing and it just leaves you in this state again.

So proud of you for not cuddling him, that was hard but you did it!

handfulofcottonbuds · 26/01/2014 23:28

I ate bananas too Smile

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir · 26/01/2014 23:33

Kept - this is a good article - it might help

here

Original poster
keptinthedark · 27/01/2014 09:26

am really angry with myself for sending h all those texts and last night looking at them now i see it makes me look like some kind of deranged idiot not what i should be which is to not stoop to his level which is what i did was going to text to apologise but not sure if that's the best idea??

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 27/01/2014 09:36

The best strategy we find on here is to go no contact.

Contact only to arrange child access, otherwise its radio silence.

handfulofcottonbuds · 27/01/2014 10:05

No kept, don't text him again to apologise. Delete the texts and don't berate yourself over them anymore.

No contact is the best for your state of mind, it gives some peace. I used to jump at responding to my H's texts until someone asked me whether any of them had made me happier and I admitted that they didn't as I wasn't getting the responses I wanted.

I have been NC for over a month now and it has helped. I know it's different as you have DCs together but if you can get some kind of structure into that then you will feel better.

Well done again on not hugging him yesterday!