dealing with separation

[keptinthedark]

my husband has been gone almost four weeks ......the pain is still insurmountable ...i can't eat or sleep i just sob and wail ...i want him back so badly i am in tablets from the doctor but they are n
ot helping .....help me

another rough bad day hit rock bottom again feeling lost and very alone been at a friends nearly all day sobbing i look terrible why would he want a blubbering mess like me i don't even like me!! want it all over now this feels like a slow and very painful death sentence can see no light he is my light and he has gone yes i know i have the dcs but i never intended to be bringing them uo alone it is our job to do it together as a family unit i have to win him back no matter what it takes i just have to

No actually, you don't have to win him back. And yes it does feel like a slow painful death. Have been where you have been and am still going through a rotten time at present as many of us on here are.
But the truth is kept is that your h is no good. He has lied, cheated and played mind games with you. He has been keeping you dangling for the next morsel that he decided to throw you. Do you honestly think any of us on here have not felt like you feel? That there is no future, that we want to curl up and die? That we haven't prayed every bloody night to be taken in our sleep so that we don't have to face another day?
The continual terror about what is going to happen?

I do not want to be cruel here and I do feel for you I genuinely do but you are going to have to pull yourself together in some way now. Pull your shoulders back and get angry with that awful man. He does not deserve you, and your children do not deserve this either. Get angry, how dare he do this to you and your children? How dare he?

You have to stop this for your children's sake. It is not fair on them. You have to get it together for them. How terrified must they be to see you like this? their father has left and their mother is falling apart! You have to get the strength from somewhere. You have to.

Are you getting out at all OP? I don't necessarily mean socially, just - literally - outside? I have, when at my lowest, found that just the act of putting one foot in front of the other and walking (outside the home, away from work) just a little way with the elements and signs of life about me did help. Not always immediately. But it is a small act of decisiveness and independence. An achievable act that goes a tiny way to affirming both one's importance and smallness in a big wide world without the need for anyone else. It doesn't matter if you're thinking about him while you walk. That you can walk is a sign of life in itself. No 50 mile treks required. Just a short hop round the block?

That is good advice from Tinsel.
I found when I was at my very lowest, I had to go out. Do anything. I couldn't even go out on my own, I was such a heaving sobbing mess but I forced myself to go out with friends, family. Even a little walk. I would be holding onto whoever I was with for dear life, I wouldn't let them go! I needed the close contact of a loved one. and I am sure I have told you before but I was sitting having a coffee with a good friend in a well known coffee shop and holding hands with them! god only knows what people thought but at that point I couldn't have cared less and because my friend knew how devastated I was she didn't care either.
It is a matter of forcing yourself. Get out a little and blow the cobwebs away. Good for the soul. I couldn't believe how the world could still be going on....but it does, the world is still turning, life still goes on, it will surprise you and you will be upset that life should still be going on when your heart is in shreds but it does, and your life will too. Not the life you wanted or the life you imagined but your life nonetheless and maybe even a better one.

am just going through the motions not living just existing seeing life through a continual veil of tears i know i should hate him and i know no one can understand why i dont never will i LOVE HIM and that will not change as long as their is breath in my body and he knows that which is why he is doing what he is doing knowing my love for him is eternal

What? You think none of us loved our husbands? I was with mine for 32 years. Since I was 15 years old. Never looked at another man in that way. I have only ever been with one man and we did everything together. There were some days that I honestly thought I would die of heartbreak if I never saw him or touched him or even smelled him. I was bereft, devastated, suicidal. Some days I am still like that with all that is going on. But I have to now try and hold it together for my children and grandchild. I have to keep angry to fight him now because he has behaved very badly and he is not the man I thought he was.
You have to wake up kept and see your h as he really is.

There are a lot of us going through the motions kept.

We can only try to advise and help you if you help yourself. x

Your love is not eternal. Not when someone treats you like they have. At some point you will meet someone who shows you what real love is and what real respect is.

Getting out of the house is a must. I went running every day (actually it may have been a fast walk) but it was 40 mins that got me fresh air. do you have a friend with a dog (meet up and take the dog for a walk).

A separation/divorce is like a death and there are stages to go through.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

It is normal to flick through and some people stay in one stage longer than others.
Sounds like you are in the bargaining (you will do anything to have him back) and depression (tears and sadness).

It can be difficult to get to acceptance and once there you may still look back every now and then and think how would life have been if you had stayed together. But i know in my case all i would have been doing is postponing the unavoidable.

My mum died a couple of years before i separated. She had three months notice (terminal cancer). For two of those months my dad and i were in the denial phase. If i could turn the clock back i would have made better use of those first two months.

Now crying is OK. I'll admit i have cried during the early stages of separation but what deep down are you are crying about?

is it the fact marriage is over (denial/anger or depression phase) OR can you maybe cry because you married the wrong person (they did not turn out to be the person you thought they were - Acceptance phase)

There is not a magic pill to make this all better. talking with friends helps. What about rearranging stuff in the house (put TV in different corner/move furniture), sort cupboards out and get rid of things you don't need. Put a picture of mantelpiece of you looking stunning (not with ex in it!!).

Keep going.

Kept, seriously love, get a grip and have some pride and self respect.

Sage words Blondie. The tiny little changes to the routine you shared are where the big evolutions start. Moving a chair, sitting in 'his' spaces, getting up and showered 5 minutes before or after you used to.

Also, do no mistake grief for love. If he returned, the grief will still have happened. While you might see an immediate cessation to the pain, the process has already begun. You will not be loving a man but a homunculus seen together from your memory and wishes. It is not real.

Sewn together. Not seen. throttles the memory of Jobs

Blondie1969 is right, divorce and separation are so similar, and i can say that as the mother of a son who died 3 years before my ex walked out.

You go from one stage to the next, and round in circles over and over, but you do move on finally. It takes time, and 2 years later i'm still having bad moments, but think thats mostly because finances are being sorted through the family courts and i'm self repping.

Not seeing a way out is a stage you have to go through, now i miss my ex, i miss everything about him, but thats who he was, he isn't that person any more. I saw a side to him in the last few months we were together i'd never seen in over 25 years of knowing him. Think he actually did me a favour, he destroyed any love i had for him. Since then the anger and threats, through solicitors in the last year or so have made sure i could never take him back. How could I ever let him live with our two surviving sons again, risking the way he bahaved in our family home those last few months.

Kept you might be struggling at the moment, but lots of us have been there in exactly the same boat, all the tips above do help loads. Sending you a hug, its a horrible position to be in, and i wouldn't wish it on anyone. x

so saw h today and he said are you saying you would never have me back then? i replied not if you were the last man on earth to which he just laughed smiled and walked away blowing me a kiss as he went what the hell is he playing at now ???

He knows for a fact that you didn't mean it and was being a cocky little shit. I know you won't like me saying it because I know you've got feelings for him but the bloke's a wanker.

Your ex is a wanker. he thinks he's in control and has a hold over you. Do not let him do that.

I repeat don't let him do that. You need to respect yourself more than he is doing.

You need to show him how you have moved on. is there any of his stuff in the house ie books, clothes. Box them up and give them to him next time he comes round. I guarantee he will not smile then.

See a solicitor and understand where you stand financially. You should be able to get initial advice for free.

You start taking control of what's happening and what your future will bring.

You do not deserve that level of treatment. The sooner you understand he is manipulating you the better. I am sorry to be blunt.

people on here are rooting for you and have been in similar positions and want you to come out of this OK.

If your best friends partner/husband treated them like that would you encourage them to take husband/partner back or would you offer them all the support they needed to make that break?

Joy5 - so sorry to hear your story but you sound like a very strong lady and your ex has lost a gem.

kept - it's all a game to him, stand firm. Don't text him and don't change your stance, he'll get the message when he sees you're not going to cave in. Hope you didn't cuddle him....

Handfulofcottonbuds thank you, and i'm sure he has.

kept it is a game to him, and one he thinks hes controlling. Don't spend too much time trying to work out what hes up to, you'll never work it out. Hes not thinking like you, hes just thinking of himself. Handfulofcottonbuds is right, stand firm. In a few months time you'll be so glad you have. Know thats not much consolation at the moment, but one day you'll be glad. Let him wonder what you're up to for a change.

Urgh, what an arrogant and entitled wanker, so full of himself. His ego must be so inflated to think he really does have you at his disposal.

Prove him wrong by showing you are moving on - no more tears in front of him and start looking after yourself, haircut, clothes, make up etc. Pack up his stuff in bin bags if you havent done so already.

Remember kept this man has seen the state you are in and he walks away laughing and smiling? That is a very cruel and nasty thing to do. His wife is suffering and so will his children be. And he is laughing? What an absolute pig he is to do that.

i am trying very hard to show him i am strong no more cuddles no over the doorstep no contact apart from dcs and boxed up his books and remaining clothes but he knows i love him and want him back he knows i am lying he knows me too well i am fighting a losing battle he has won the war!! cannot change the tide in my favour at all

You can kept, you can and you are!

Be proud of your progress lovely. He doesn't deserve you or your unrequited love.

Can you see a solicitor? Just get the financial stuff straight in your head.

Proud of you for bagging his stuff up - do you think it's time to let the dressing gown go??

I was where you are ten years ago- although much easier as I had no children, my ex left me for a friend of
Mine, and I moved out as he could buy me out and she
Moved in the next day. I thought I couldn't cope, I would cry at work and tell friends I can't cope I can't
Cope, but they said - you are though, you are coping. My mum said- every day will be that tiny tiny bit easier. I used to feel waves of pain that I just had to get through.

But they were all right. It does get better intime. You need to help time pass. Your dcs love you unconditionally like no man can and they are all you need. Focus on making them
Happy x x x

no handful definitely not ready to let go of the both robe yet i cuddle into it sobbing myself to sleep every night telling myself he will be home soon then i roll into the cold patch where he should be to snuggle with at four in the morning and wake with a start and so the whole sobbing uncontrollably begins again the love feels like it is getting stronger not diminishing at all i must just wait for him to realise the mistake he has made once hisnew relationship has run its course

no handful definitely not ready to let go of the both robe yet i cuddle into it sobbing myself to sleep every night telling myself he will be home soon then i roll into the cold patch where he should be to snuggle with at four in the morning and wake with a start and so the whole sobbing uncontrollably begins again the love feels like it is getting stronger not diminishing at all i must just wait for him to realise
uthe mistake he has made once hisnew relatiopnship has run its course