dealing with separation

[keptinthedark]

my husband has been gone almost four weeks ......the pain is still insurmountable ...i can't eat or sleep i just sob and wail ...i want him back so badly i am in tablets from the doctor but they are n
ot helping .....help me

For a lot of people it does get easier.

From personal experience (as a man) whose ex had an affair i spent a month or so wishing it could all get back to what I had.

But eventuality the reality hit. Why would I want to be back with someone who lied and abused my trust.

I am sure my ex felt very powerful when i was attempting reconciliation and saying we could out her affair(s) behind us. But now i am so glad she did not have me back. For two reasons.

1. If we had have got back together i would never been able to trust her again.
2. I am so much happier now. yes i am disappointed that my children are from parents who now separated. But my children will still have the love from me as their father and should not miss out on things.

There is nothing wrong with crying, sobbing, being depressed. But by the sounds of it you are strong enough to get through this. The people on this site are wonderfully supportive. Confide in your friends and your own family so they understand that they can play a part in putting you back where you should be. Which is having your confidence back and looking forward to what each day brings.

You don't deserve someone to treat you like you've been treated. That would be the only thing worth crying about. But don't cry about someone who thinks so little of you.

he's the one who has messed up not you.

take each day one day at a time. Surround yourself with your friends and people who treat you with the respect you deserve.

I wish i could say every day it gets better but honestly you will have the odd crap day but i would rather have the odd crap day than wondering if other half is out with another person/up to their old tricks again.

best of luck.

having a really really low day today sobbing uncontrollable when will this pain stop

Do you have someone to be with you this evening? You need lots and lots of support at the moment so ask people. Do your friends and family know how much you are struggling? It's hard isn't it?

Didn't want to read and not post, you sound so upset, is there someone you could ring? Just so you hear a voice.

Wish i could do something to stop the pain for you, i'm 2 years and a bit on, still have bad times, but having lots of good times too, for the first year i struggled big time, but now as well as working i'm studying too, and doing voluntary work, all to get me a better paid job so i can support our two youngest sons.

Best advice i got, as well as NC, was to concentrate on getting through the next half an hour, then when you've done that, concentrate on getting through the next, and so on, until you've done the next part of the day.

Sending a massive hug, its an awful place to be in, but you will get through it :) xx

family are all getting fed uo with me they say i need to move on as its been a month but if you read through this thread you will see that h actions and words are making this impossible i love him he says he loved me he says he wants to come back but he can't because of what our families and friends would say i think that's hustling an excuse i mean surely its about me and him not everyone else opinions ?? Bernard on the phone to the samaratains they have to listen yo ny rambling and wailing

family are all getting fed uo with me they say i need to move on as its been a month but if you read through this thread you will see that h actions and words are making this impossible i love him he says he loved me he says he wants to come back but he can't because of what our families and friends would say i think that's hustling an excuse i mean surely its about me and him not everyone else opinions ?? Bernard on the phone to the samaratains they have to listen yo ny rambling and wailing

The impact of H's actions and words on you is precisely why you must go no contact.

Stop engaging with him. Do not reply to texts, calls etc unless its about child access.

Handovers to take place on the doorstep. Don't let him in.

am sat waiting for h to pick dcs up and take them to school i feel sick now he hss side no more cuddles cos he feels it id cheating on ow but he is my husband she is the cheat everytime i see him it breaks my heart a little bit more i want him to realise what a prat he is being and come home where he bbelongs with his family crying again must stop before he arrives

Well done on ringing the samaritans, don't worry about rambling and wailing, thats what they are for, to get everything off your chest.

Hope ex has picked up the dcs for you, and you've got something planned for today until they come home again.

You'll feel better yourself if you don't let him see you as a wreck, put some make up on and act normal when he comes to collect. As MNS say, fake it till you make it! However hard it is at the time, later you'll feel so much better you acted that way. Believe me, i've been there and got the t shirt, no how hard it is, but know how good i feel now, that i mostly didn't let him see me in a state.

Me deciding to go NC was the best thing i ever did in ways to help me. xx

kept, how are you now?

joy5 is right, I couldn't see it myself at the time either but a bit of make up and a new outfit when he comes will make you feel so much better.

When are you due back to work?

kept'- this was the pattern in my relationship. We went through the whole idealise, devalue, discard thing three times. Every time, I fell apart. I felt I simply couldn't function without him. It was like a physical need. Just at the point I got stronger, he came back and clawed his way back in.

Only the last time did I have reservations, I wanted to see how things went. To be with him but not live with him. He then threatened to leave me totally if he couldn't move back in.

I wish, wish, wish I had stood my ground but I didn't. I signed straight back up for three more years of pain and unbearable abuse.

I honestly believe that, had I have gone NC that time, I would have come through the pain and out the other side.

It doesn't matter what you have to do to achieve it or how many times you have to call the Samaritans (it's what they're there for), I really think you should give it a go.

As Joy says, put on your armour when he comes over. You can do this. Little steps. Big changes.

h collected the dcs but i did not let him over the doorstep got ambushed into lunch in a cafe by a friend today first time i have been out since h left it was strange ended up in tears as saw some people who did not know ....

Good. You have stood your ground! You did not let him over the doorstep, it is a start.
And you were out for lunch today with a friend, that is progress. Baby steps, that is all that is needed for now just baby steps.

Whatever you do, do not let him see you a sobbing broken mess. Put on your face, do your hair, it will make you feel more in control.

Even though you cried through lunch (it's always hard telling people), you did it, you went out and spent time with a friend, that's little steps and you did it.

Plus - not letting him in the house! You are doing really well. The ADs will start working soon and they will help you.

Maybe ask a friend to tell a few people so you don't have to if you see them.

When are you due back to work?

am still signed off sick cannot go back to my job as it means getting a sitter for the dcs at four am h has offered to come each day at seven to take the youngest dcs to school so i can go back but i don't want him in my house every day think that would kill me so work looking to change my hours if not then will have to try and get another job have to work or will lose the blinking house

Do you know, I think I hear some anger creeping into your posts. And that is what will keep you going. Once you get some anger in you it will give you more strength.
Can you get a relative to stay over at night to watch the children while you go to work and eventually get strong enough to look for another job if you can't change your hours? Any family who is retired but would be able to watch them for a few hours before they go to school?
It would be far better for you to keep away from your h as it will help you to get stronger.

Family are not being helpful! "Move on after a month"!!!

who is your closest/oldest friend? Person who has been there for you through thick and thin.

You need someone to let you cry/be a shoulder to cry on. Someone who can reinforce what the people (friends you've never met) on this site are saying with regards to trying to help you stay strong and positive. I was very lucky that a few close friends got me through the initial couple of months. Not everyone is as lucky to have the friends i have (my family were crap).

stay focused and strong. And if one of your friends asks how you are "dont say ok" if you are feeling like crap. If they are real friends they want you to tell them the truth.

If you have a circle of close friends maybe invite them round on different evenings just for a coffee. Dont be afraid to tell them how you feel and that you need their support.

How many people on mumsnet keep logging in and supporting people because even though they have moved on and life has got better they still remember those initial days and what got them through it.

The women (and occasional men) will help you through this and will not let you take this journey alone.

Stay strong

help h said he wants to do a two year separation then get divorced but should i divorce him now on grounds of his adulrty ?? cos the first motion leaves the door open for him to come back but the second option would give him a much needed dose of reality help??

If the family's finances are largely in his hands, 2 years is a long time to do all sorts of lovely things with money (I know that's what I would do in the situation - just saying). Particularly given that when you finally get to make financial disclosure for bank accounts etc, this usually only goes back one year....might be relevant, might not be...just a thought.

Sweetie, my H talked non stop for 2 months about divorcing me! When I got stronger, he said there is no rush getting a divorce and we could talk about it in time. I told him that divorce wasn't his decision - it was mine!

Sounds like your H is trying to leave the door open - sod him. I know you want him back but really? After what he's done twice and possibly all the way through your relationship? He has continued to be nasty and act like he has the upper hand. Actually, you are the one with the upper hand.

No hurry to make any decisions at all. Take your time, get yourself better, sort out your work hours, do what you need to do. Oh, and leave him on the doorstep.

I know you're still so upset but you are getting stronger. You even refer to him as 'h' rather than 'dh'. Your posts are questioning rather than just talking about how you can't go on without him.

Be proud of yourself - baby steps x

so help divorce now or later?? what is the best option??

There are pros and cons for each option - rushing into a divorce when you are still trying to get your head together isn't advised but you can begin proceedings and these can take as long as needed.

Remember YOU get to decide not him.

Have you seen a solicitor for advice?

no have not seen solicitor yet seems to final still believe that in a minute he is going to realise his mistakes and come back to me i know that sounds pathetic and unlikely looking at the current situation but it truly is my only reason other than my dcs for not doing away with myself and making the pain go away i am trying to be strong but my love for him is not diminishing if anything it gets stronger the longer we are separated

I was like that too, it's completely natural. That to me says you are not ready to start divorce yet. I never thought I would be ready until something just clicked.

I used to want my H to say he'd made a terrible mistake and come back to me and then I would work so hard to make him never want to leave me again. Then I got to the point where I dreamt of him begging me to take him back just so I could tell him to jog on. Now - I am looking after myself and my DS and I don't care what my H does as long as my future is secure.

I'm not saying I won't have times like that again as I'm not entering into divorce lightly but today, that's how I feel.

Try and get some strength back first, you did so well going for lunch with your friend, can you do something like that even twice a week or have someone come and chat to you in the evening? I looked an absolute state and howled like I've never done before but friends and family understood.