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Original poster

1 year on and still not met his kids :-(

171 replies

Kurmaqueen · 08/01/2014 11:13

That's it really and it's causing problems!!

My BF is divorced but his Ex will not allow me to be involved with his boys although she knows we are together as does his children.

We both want to move our relationship on and start blending our two families as we hate it that he is such an integral part of my life and not vice versa.

All the usual threats......

I was not the reason they split - but I was on the scene very soon after and she blames me and is very bitter and angry towards me and uses his children to pull at my BF heart strings :-(
Any advice as to how best to solve this and move on???

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2014 11:17

It's his issue to resolve. This is one of the many perils of getting together with someone before the dust has settled on the divorce papers. He is, to put it bluntly, more frightened of what she can do than what you can do.... and that is 100% his dilemma. If it's important to you that you are acknowledged as a full and integral part of his life then you have to - being equally blunt - be more scary than her.

Original poster
Kurmaqueen · 08/01/2014 11:25

Mmmm she was and is very scary and controlling and that is one of the reasons he left in the first place!!
The last thing I want to be is a carbon copy of her :-(
He was with her for nearly 20 years and although he is a very strong successful man outside the home in his relationship with her he was controlled and she still has that power over him.
Us getting together so quickly added fuel to her fire!!
She will stop at nothing to prevent us being together and I think that she believes her stopping me being involved fully with my BF and the boys will eventually break us up!!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2014 11:28

You don't have to be a carbon copy of her but you do have to be assertive at some point & put the responsibility on your boyfriend's shoulders where it properly belongs. Blaming her is a cop-out. The world is full of 'Lovely Guy Buts'. Could be that this man is one of those.... lovely guy but a big fat coward.

Original poster
Kurmaqueen · 08/01/2014 11:34

He is lovely :-)
Yep maybe too lovely :-(
She basically is saying "it's her or your children"!!!

We go round and round in circles with this.....

Just wondering how long I should be prepared to wait for him to finally break free and just "do it" ????

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 08/01/2014 11:36

I would not even consider blending your families while this issue is still ongoing. It will only lead to further issues down the line.

I'd actually take a step back from the whole thing and re-consider if this is really what you want from a relationship. I wouldn't have gone on a date with this guy, too much baggage (and I hate that word) but you are where you are.

As things stand, the ultimate conclusion to this is that she makes him choose between you and his children or starts being very unco-operative about him seeing them, neither of which will have a good outcome.

Enb76 · 08/01/2014 11:38

How old are the children?

Original poster
Kurmaqueen · 08/01/2014 11:45

I can't just walk away I love him too much and he loves me!!

I had known him as a friend for years before we got together as he is a friend of my brother :-(

Hence the anger from his Ex as she believes that we were having a relationship for a long time whilst they were still living together.

We weren't but I can understand why she thinks that and that is part of her bitterness and anger towards me and the reason I believe that she will not allow me to have anything to do with her children!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kurmaqueen · 08/01/2014 11:47

Sorry they are 13, 11 and 9
Mine are similar ........

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2014 11:54

Again... you're focusing too much on the ex. It's very tempting to see it as you and him against the Witch from Hell. Very romantic. But this is about him making choices. There is nothing his ex could reasonably do to prevent children the ages you describe staying in touch with their Dad.

JeanSeberg · 08/01/2014 11:59

It's hard to be objective when emotion is involved but there isn't going to be a magic outcome here.

Just wondering how long I should be prepared to wait for him to finally break free and just "do it" ????

Are you wanting him to move in with you and just tell her that's how it's going to be? Presumably at the moment he sees his children in his own home but once he moves in they will come to yours instead.

How do your children feel about this? Going from 3 to 6 children would be a massive step under the happiest of circumstances.

Goldmandra · 08/01/2014 12:00

What exactly is she threatening?

She can't stop him seeing them, especially as their opinion counts for so much due to their ages.

It sounds like it would be good for everyone including her if the power to control everyone's lives was removed from her and she was forced to move on and build her new life.

JeanSeberg · 08/01/2014 12:01

There is nothing his ex could reasonably do to prevent children the ages you describe staying in touch with their Dad.

No but she could make life very difficult for all concerned and is that something the OP really wants to be caught up in?

I'm not suggesting they split up but don't see the need to live together whilst all this is unresolved.

Original poster
Kurmaqueen · 08/01/2014 12:04

Over the last year he has gradually built up the time he has with his children.
At first she wouldn't let him see them at all and now he has the boys two nights a week, every other weekend and half of school holidays.
She has made it clear that should my BF for even one minute introduce me to the children then that access will cease.
How do you reason with a mother who uses her children as a weapon???
The boys are still quite young and they have mentioned to my BF that they don't want to see me as I am the reason he left ........ That is what their mother told them :-(

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2014 12:05

" is that something the OP really wants to be caught up in?"

They're already caught up in it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2014 12:06

Does your BF have legal representation? Has the access been legally formalised? He should not be getting into a relationship with someone... ironically, especially not someone with DCs of their own who presumably are starting to regard him as a permanent fixture.... until he has all of this settled.

aaaaaaa · 08/01/2014 12:12

Does your bf have a plan for the future? Are you not to meet the children indefinitely? Is he hoping she will just change her mind?

JeanSeberg · 08/01/2014 12:14

They're already caught up in it.

To some extent but presumably at the moment he sees his kids.

laregina · 08/01/2014 12:15

Again... you're focusing too much on the ex. It's very tempting to see it as you and him against the Witch from Hell. Very romantic. But this is about him making choices

What Cognito says. This man's inability to stand up to the mother of his children is part of his personality and his problem. But if you stay with him you will have to live with it, and all the problems and disruption it causes you and (more importantly) your DC too. Doesn't sound much fun to me....

Original poster
Kurmaqueen · 08/01/2014 12:16

No access wasn't set in stone as part of the divorce.

My children have known my BF for many years prior to us getting together because as I have said he is a friend of my brother so they met him numerous of times before we became a couple.

My BF stays here with me and my children regularly and indeed is already "one of us"......

They understand the situation with his comings and goings but they too would like to us all to move on to the next part of our journey .........

However they don't see much of their dad (his choice not mine) and they are mature enough to see where my BF dilemma comes from. They know how much my BF loves his boys and how good a dad he is :-)

They view my BF as their dad really and they don't want it to be my fault or their fault if his relationship with his own children gets compromised because of us !!!

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 08/01/2014 12:17

He must know that it isn't in her power to prevent reasonable access.

Does he have texts or emails that describe the current arrangements?

He needs to talk this through with a legal advisor. This level of control isn't healthy for anyone, particularly the children.

JeanSeberg · 08/01/2014 12:24

That's a lot for your kids to be dealing with from someone you've only been seeing for a year. See him as their dad, don't want the responsibility of jeopardising his relationship with his kids, you've discussed a lot with them.

Jackthebodiless · 08/01/2014 12:26

My friend wasn't allowed to meet her dp's children, to the extent that she had to stay upstairs in her own home when they visited (aged 10 and 5 at the time). They're all grown up now and everythings fine-ish, but it's been a long and very painful road.

AmberLeaf · 08/01/2014 12:43

Are you sure that it is his ex that is putting the stoppers on this?

is it his word on what she is saying or have you seen/heard it yourself?

im not meaning to imply that he is lying, just suggesting it as a possibility. my ex did similar and used me as an excuse/reason for not introducing children. in reality I didn't have an issue with it, it was him that didn't want to take that step.

From his perspective, I can imagine potential concerns. your children seeing him as a Dad would be difficult for his children and his relationship with them.

it does sound like it has moved quickly.

Original poster
Kurmaqueen · 08/01/2014 12:45

Yes my children do see my BF like a dad :-)
Unfortunately they have had to grow up a lot due to the nature of my breakup/divorce :-(

They hardly see their dad and that is his choice not mine.

We have an honest open relationship and they talk freely and have very grown up thoughts on what is right and wrong.

They really do like my BF and tell him often how lucky his boys are to have him as their dad :-)

They don't like the way his exwife is calling the shots .....
My BF has explained everything to them too as of course they are children and can't wait to meet his children and they just cannot understand why she is stopping this !!

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 08/01/2014 12:48

I think you are wrong to have involved your children so much in the (one sided) ins and outs of the situation personally.

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