1 year on and still not met his kids :-(

[Kurmaqueen]

That's it really and it's causing problems!!

My BF is divorced but his Ex will not allow me to be involved with his boys although she knows we are together as does his children.

We both want to move our relationship on and start blending our two families as we hate it that he is such an integral part of my life and not vice versa.

All the usual threats......

I was not the reason they split - but I was on the scene very soon after and she blames me and is very bitter and angry towards me and uses his children to pull at my BF heart strings :-(
Any advice as to how best to solve this and move on???

or maybe he is afraid that his ex will cut off his access. Many women (and sad to say it is predominantly women) do this. And very easy to say "go to court." but if you don't have the money it's not that simple, is it? and even with a court order there are no guarantees that the ex will stick to it. someone who is prepared too use their children as pawns like this is almost certainly prepared to breach a court order. Why are people so reluctant to acknowledge that there are plenty of women who have no consideration for what they're doing to their children in pursuit of revenge?

I am separated from the father of my children.

Much of this is irrelevant, because the facts are that his ex-wife doesn't have the right to control who her children meet when they are with their father and everyone including him knows that.

So he is choosing this situation.

I have some sympathy with her not wanting her children to meet you because she probably can't stand you, but she knows what rights she does and doesn't have, just as everyone does.

If your partner wants you to meet his children, he will go right on ahead and do so.

If his ex tries to block that or make it difficult for her childen to see their father, he will establish a formal contact or residence agreement like he should have done at the time of the divorce.

If he does neither of those things, he doesn't want you to meet his children.

I'm sure he'd rather hide behind his ex-wife's skirts so that she takes the blame for what he actually wants and I'm sure you'd rather blame her than blame him.

But you will need to face facts and look closer to home for the real source of the problem.

No, she should not be dictating whether he introduces them to you.

again, what does he plan to do to remedy the situation?

I am also divorced from the father of my children

At their age, it's also possible that they don't want to meet you either, not just because of their mother's views, but because they've heard others' opinions about you or have seen you around, seeing as you were known to their family before their parents split up. They might have told their Dad that and he doesn't want to tell you in case it hurts you, or the children have disclosed that confidentially to him.

Don't forget that children have the right to refuse to spend time with people they don't want to. That often gets forgotten in these disputes.

I am separated from the father of my children.

As others have said, if he wants you to meet his children he would have done by now. He has done nothing to enable this so he probably isn't ready for his children to meet you. Not all men want to move on to a ready made family .

I think familyscapegoat has it. It's probably the children too, but of course ex W must be the one to blame obviously .

I can tell you right now at the ages those children are I would have had no interest whatsoever in playing happy families with my Dads GF and her kids.

Not sure why you have allowed the relationship to progress so much on your side, when he was not emotionally free to do the same.

A year is not a long time, and he is already "one of us" you say.

You have outmaneuvered yourself here, and lost all bargaining power yourself in this relationship when allowing him a much larger part of your family and your childrens lives, while you have a very very small and marginalized part in his.

I am wondering if this is not really very convenient for him.

Is he divorced?? I thought that sorting out details for the kids was the first thing that as done, way before it even got to court (it certainly was in my case) When I was divorced the solicitor needed a financial statement and an agreement about contact, and only if that caused a big argument did the court get involved. So what was sorted out for the kids at that point?
And btw getting them to refer to him as dad isnt a good move, it really isnt. I have been with my BF for 11 years, he acts as a dad to my DD who is now 13, so certainly of an age that she might have called him 'dad' after a few months. Even though her own father didnt see her for over 3 years she has never called him dad, though says he is 'like' her dad. The only time I would consider it appropriate is if he adopted her as her own.

Family scapegoat has a good point too. They probably dont want to share him, especially if they are aware that there are other kids on the scene who get their dad all the time.

Oh dear there are so many replies that I don't know what to say!!

To clarify :-

My children DO NOT call him DAD......
What I am trying to say is that they are happy with him. They love him staying over. They love spending time with him. He adds value to their life. He is funny, patient, kind and treats them with respect and kindness.

When I say "BLEND" then forgive me for using the "wrong"word......

What I mean is that we both wish to just have time when he is on his own with his kids, me with mine and time when we can all be together and take it from there.

He has at all times been honest with me, my children, his ex, his kids.....

I did not get access formalized as part of my divorce either !!

He too believes that he needs to go to court to get this sorted.

We were both just looking for advice really as to how to do this without court as it's children involved here and court seems to cold and harsh.

As I've already said I am divorced and did not kick up a fuss about my Ex and his girlfriend being with my children just 6 months after he left me for her.

When the situation is reversed then for some reason most people here on MN seem to flame us!!!

Not quite sure why there should be double standards?????

How is he managing to maintain any sort of relationship with his children if he lives with you and your children.Does he only see them for short periods of time because that would be of massive concern to me.
Sorry to ask but is he seeing them at the old family home?
I know a woman who's husband sees the children and has a shag while he's there and that's why it's seperate.
Just saying I may be way off of course in which case ignore me.

He doesn't live with me just stays with us a few nights a week.
He sees his children as much as his Ex will allow.
He would like more access.
He has his own home where he has the boys stay.
Two nights in the week and every other Friday, Saturday, Sunday and half school holidays :-)
It is not the children he left but his wife .......

I was treated very badly by my Ex and was very very wary of men in general - all men are bastards basically!!!

But he is not one of them!!!

He just wants to do the "right" thing for his kids, mine, and yes ultimately for us both and indeed hopefully for us all to spend time together ......

Why is that such an awful thing????

Is he wanting 50:50 then? Because to be honest it sounds like he gets quite a lot of contact and not at all like his ex is withholding it.

I agree with others who say that your DP is mainly responsible for this. If he really wanted what you want I think he would just have introduced you by now, that or the children don't want to, most likely the ex W too but I certainly don't think all the blame should fall on her shoulders.

I did not say that my BF ex is withholding access :-(

Just that she WILL if I go anywhere near her children!!

It is not just HIM telling me that ....

SHE has told me face to face ....

I don't understand why most people on here seem to think that my BF is the one stopping this and that he is lying to me??

She has told me herself ....

Face to face
By text

I do not know what else to say really???

Surely 18 months after they split and with her with a new man she would just allow us all to move on??

Obviously not and it seems that most MN posters feel the same.......

That it is ok for her but not for him !!!!!

It's not awful to want to move on with your life together at all.Have you and him sat down and discused the future.Buying/renting a house together money etc.Im a big ole cynic but it sounds like his life is rather nice actually.He gets to see you when he wants with all the perks that go with it.Then he can go back to his home and enjoy time with his kids.For him and not you what's not to like?
I'm just not convinced that he really really wants to do this.Im sure that he is lovely etc but you are not really getting much from this deal are you.Theres no real commitment,as other posters have said There is nothing at all stopping him from introducing you to the children.
Is the ex really a super bitch Do you know her because I'm fairly sure my ex called me all of those things and he's calling the latest ex unhinged as well which to be fair he has driven her to.
To be honest I think he has really good levels of access I very much doubt that a judge would rule differently.What more does he want.
If your relationship continued and the children were staying with you as a family could they be housed appropriately in your home?
I'm really not trying to be negative just ask the questions but you do sound a little like the rebound girlfriend you sound far more committed than him.Can I suggest a very frank discussion on where things are going because it must be very stressfully living like that.
Again this is just my take on it so feel free to read and ignore.

I can't see what's wrong with things as they are - time together, time alone, time with your kids. Sounds ideal.

Is the plan for him to move in if she 'allows' the kids to visit your house? Can you really house 8 people comfortably??

It sounds to me as if everyone is happy with things as they are apart from you OP.

Well my BF is not happy but scared of the repurcussions :-(

I'm ok with us not living together full time :-)

Both of us just not happy with living under her control with regards to his children.

Yes I have lots of room in my house to allow his boys their own space as I work and support myself and my children in a 6 bedroom house ......

Living space/money/needing a father for my children is not the issue ....

As I keep saying this is not a short lived or rebound relationship !!!

I have known him a long time as he has been my brothers friend for years.

We have had long talks about him having the "best of both worlds" but believe me he hates this situation.

He loves being with his children but deep down he feels like he is excluding them from a big part of his life and not by choice.

I will share your views with him when I next see him and see what he says as I told him I was going to post :-)

It's not posters who are misunderstanding this situation, but you.

It doesn't matter what his ex wife says, she cannot stop her ex husband introducing his children to who he likes, when they are with him.

If she tried to block him seeing them as a result, he could sort out a formal residence or contact order and given the alleged threats, is what he should have done a long time ago.

If he does neither, it's because he doesn't want his children to meet you and spend time with you.

Or that they themselves have no desire to spend time with you or your children. They have rights too and are old enough to express them.

if they spend all that time with him then he has the opportunity to introduce them to you and your family.

it isn't up to his ex wife.

I also think all this talk of 'court' is over-egging the pudding.

He talks to his children on one of their regular visits and asks them what they would prefer, putting their wishes above his own and yours.

If they are in agreement to meeting you, he has a calm chat with his ex wife, who you say he won't say a bad word against so there is probably respect and affection still there. He lets her know out of courtesy that he will be introducing you now.

If she tries to stop him seeing the children as a result, he gets a family solicitor to send a letter suggesting an agreed schedule.

Only if and when all that fails does this need to go as far as court.

If I were him, there's no way I'd risk rocking the boat with the ex. He sees the kids almost 50:50 so why risk this just to keep the OP happy?