1 year on and still not met his kids :-(

[Kurmaqueen]

That's it really and it's causing problems!!

My BF is divorced but his Ex will not allow me to be involved with his boys although she knows we are together as does his children.

We both want to move our relationship on and start blending our two families as we hate it that he is such an integral part of my life and not vice versa.

All the usual threats......

I was not the reason they split - but I was on the scene very soon after and she blames me and is very bitter and angry towards me and uses his children to pull at my BF heart strings :-(
Any advice as to how best to solve this and move on???

Wow, there have been some extreme views expressed here. Also, I'm surprised about the number of posters that keep on asking questions that the OP has already answered earlier in the thread or making assumptions about things that the OP has already cleared up.

To be frank, I think that there are a couple of posts that really sum up the situation very well.

One of them is the very first reply you received from CogitoErgoSometimes Although it was stated in a rather light hearted manner, I do think that it does get to the heart of the matter. You need to be more scary than she is - or at the very least a bit more assertive than you're currently being.

The second is the post by Dahlen Wed 08-Jan-14 16:27:27. It's rather long so I won't quote it again here. I also think that wannaBe has given some absolutely excellent advice and support as well in a number of different posts.

My own small contribution to the situation is this; many posters have said that it is your bf that is deciding not to take things any further and that this is because he isn't so invested in his relationship with you. I believe that this is wrong.

Apologies to other posters if I have mistaken the points you were making, please feel free to correct me.

I think that, perhaps, this stems from the stereotype that all men are ''confident and dominant'' or, read another way, ''abusive and controlling''.

However, there are many men that don't fit that stereotype - particularly when it comes to relationships - and, especially if they have spent a long time with a partner who has a more dominant personality then it can be very hard indeed to stand up to their partner even after leaving them.

There are countless threads here where women have posted about their controlling and abusive partners and how it is still very hard to stand up to them even after they have left them. Do the posters here really believe that men cannot find themselves in the same situation? If so, I would suggest that those are incredibly sexist attitudes that they are displaying.

OK, so what to do about it?

Well, I would suggest that the longer this situation goes on the harder it will be to resolve. If it goes on for a long time she will be more used to getting her own way and will react more strongly when your DP stands up to her.

I think it might be a very long time indeed before your bf will be able to stand up to his ex. As a result, going for a court order may be the best way to go.

In the short term his ex may well go nuclear and carry out her threats of denying access. You should prepare yourself, him and get him to prepare his dc for this.

In the longer term this will provide a more secure basis for him to be able to stand up to his controlling ex. However, in the short term I'm sure that it may well be a whole world of pain for everybody concerned.

At the end of the day, if you want this relationship to succeed then I think that you really have to support and encourage your bf to stand up to and confront his controlling ex.

He is NOT trying to keep me happy!!

He wants me to meet his children !!!

I am not issuing threats or ultimatums to him ....

It's just that we both want to move this forward.

The longer he stays entwined with my children without his being part of it the harder it becomes.

Yes I'm getting frustrated with the plans we make and then cancel because he has spoken to his Ex and she curtails it.

But can't you see that it is because he is scared of losing access to his children that he lets her walk all over him??

I think it best that I walk away from this thread and I take with me the advice that he should seek legal advice.

Thank you for the advice from posters who said that - I will talk with my BF and hopefully he will get the strength to do that.

Don't walk away Kurmaqueen, there is some great advice in previous posts, I have been reading as I'm unfortunately in the exact same situation :( The worst part for me is feeling like I am making my DP choose between me and his children which is completely unfair and the result of the very unreasonable bitter Ex Wife :( It sucks and my circumstances are actually a lot worse - i'm about ready to walk away from the man I adore.

Do his children WANT to use some of their contact time to spend with you and your kids too? Are there concerns that any 'occassional' meetings will drift into all contact being shared with your family, rather than spending 1 to 1 time with their dad? I know that now my daughter does see her dad she gets very angry and refuses to go if he plans to spend that time with her and also include her half brother as she doesn't want to share the contact time?
Also if the ex tried to stop him taking the kids, would he not be able to call the police as he no doubt has PR for the kids too?

Sorry can't go without replying to NICKYMANCHESTER who summed up EXACTLY my BF relationship with his Ex and EXACTLY the same relationship I had with my Ex....

That is one if the reasons they are both Ex'es!!!

However when you have spent so many many years being controlled it does leave a mark and is hard to break free from!

It also makes you aware of NOT being like that in a new relationship - hence my reluctance to be too assertive!

Our relationship won't last if I force the issue and she does indeed make it difficult for him to see his children!!

If he did not love them like he does then I would not want to be with him anyway!!

So I will just be patient and leave it to him to decide what he wants to do.

kurmaqueen

I've pm'd you

Back again to reply to "spillingthebeans".....

Don't walk away!!!!!!

It shouldn't be about choosing you over his children!!

There should be room in his life for both :-)

Children come first and adults second but in saying that you only get one life and you and your BF deserve to be happy too.

A happy loving relationship in the long run is what is best for children and yes it's sad but parents do split up and most don't do it without reason.

In time most find love again - and children love to see their parents happy and in love and in a fun caring respectful relationship so don't give up ..... Don't lose the man you adore :-(

That's the biggest load of bullshit if I may say so, that intelligent posters have stereotyped men as being abusive and controlling or confident and dominant.

It's got nothing at all to do with that.

This man's ex might be the She_Devil herself but if she is, even more reason for this father to fight for his children's rights and to use the legal protections that exist for children to see their parents and spend time with them in a way that they want.

There are countless threads here where women have posted about their controlling and abusive partners and how it is still very hard to stand up to them even after they have left them. Do the posters here really believe that men cannot find themselves in the same situation? If so, I would suggest that those are incredibly sexist attitudes that they are displaying.

There are countless threads where men (DPs of the OPs) with abusive ex partners or mothers, instead of being shown compassion are described as cowards or spineless. Extremely sexist. It's hardly surprising that men coming out of 20 year long controlling/abusive relationships feel that they have to comply with their ex's unreasonable demands in order not to lose contact altogether with their children. Or who, when leaving won't consider taking the kids with them because that would hurt their ex and in their world of FOG not hurting the ex is more important than the children's needs.

So few posts that even acknowledge that the ex is being totally unreasonable, controlling and abusive to use her children as a weapon of punishment and control in this situation.

Yes I think that is the crux of our problem :-(
I was going to walk away from this thread even though I posted it as I suppose I wasn't getting the words of advice that I hoped for :-(
I just felt that my BF was being attacked for being a man who had left his wife ......
And that meant he had to "pay the price" ...
Men too can suffer long term effects from living in a loveless, controlling, cold, empty marriage.
When us women decide to leave such a relationship then we support them, admire their strength to leave but if a man does the same then they are flamed and told "how dare you even think about introducing your children to another woman"........your poor ex wife"......
Well men suffer controlling abusive relationships too you know and surely they deserve support to move on just like we do???

Anyway, I think some others have said he needs some legal advice. And he needs the will to stand up to her even though it's scary and he probably has heard lots of stories about women denying access regardless of court orders etc. It does seem that possession is 9/10 of the law when it comes to child custody sometimes.

Remember that now she has a new man herself who she wants quality time with she would be cutting off her own nose to spite her face to withhold contact.

Kurma - you need to think of yourself here though, not just your DP.

I've left an abusive relationship. Sadly, I have several female friends who have also experienced it and I know at least one male (and I suspect another) who have experienced it with the genders reversed. I am big on compassion for survivors of abuse.

However, it is one thing to be a supportive friend and ally while someone recovers from an abusive relationship or any other traumatic experience. It is quite another to be in a relationship with someone like that. In an equal relationship support is a two-way street. Usually, the longer the relationship is established before support is required, the more likely it is to be given and reciprocated when/if needed at a later date. In a newish relationship where recovery has barely started it can have unintended consequences. The partner can be cast in the role of support and fixer while the survivor finds themselves mired in the role of victim/appeaser. Rather than helping the survivor break free of their old abuser, having a new partner and finding themselves stuck between the new one and the old one can paralyse the survivor and make it harder for them to behave assertively.

Wanting to support your BF in this makes you a lovely person. But your first duty is to yourself and your own DC, not your BF and his relationship with his own DC. Ironically, taking a step back and making your BF stand on his own two feet might be the single biggest push towards freedom you could give him.

I have just read this whole thread, and I wish you luck OP. You have stayed dignified and factual throughout, despite some amazingly nasty posts.

I can totally see where you are coming from. I am an ex wife - there is NO WAY I would have stopped my ex husband from introducing our dc to his new partner after a year! I have no right to do that - AT ALL. I didn't like it, dd was only tiny, but to do so would have been controlling and despicable. To use children in this way is abhorrent.

As it is, my ex married this woman and she is a significant part of their lives now. We don't have crystal balls - but is seems that the OP is in a very stable, mutually respectful and hopefully long term relationship with a man she loves. To be introduced to his dc now, after a year, is entirely appropriate imo.

Wannabe's posts are spot on, and billybanter too.

I think it's great that you are going to show this thread to your BF OP. What a great relationship you must have.

Im really not seeing all these nasty posts.

People have suggested things but the OP doesn't seem to want to entertain the idea of this all being anything other than exactly what her DP is telling her. nor that possibly she has been hasty in how she has dealt with the whole situation.

Im really not seeing all these nasty posts.

People have suggested things but the OP doesn't seem to want to entertain the idea of this all being anything other than exactly what her DP is telling her. nor that possibly she has been hasty in how she has dealt with the whole situation.

Has the OP actually said her husband thinks his ex wife was abusive and that he was being emotionally abused when married to her?

I read 'controlling' which might be the OP's words, not his. According to the OP, he doesn't say anything bad about his ex wife.

I also read that he claims to have been in a cold, unhappy marriage. None of those things necessarily equates to abuse or means that this man has anything in common with other people who are still suffering fear, obligation and denial despite leaving abusive relationships and abusive partners.

Of course if he is saying his ex wife was abusive that begs the question why he left his children in her care and didn't make any attempt to sort out a formal residence when he divorced?

Using the OP's own analogy, if a woman left her abusive marriage - and her children with an abusive man - and formed a new relationship straight away with another man, then didn't do anything about sorting a residence or contact agreement, I disagree that people around her would be supportive. In fact I think they would be much less supportive than they would be for a man in identical circumstances.

familyscapegoat - the OP has said that the BF's X has contacted her directly and threatened to withdraw contact if she is introduced to the DC. I'd say that's controlling to the point of crossing a line into abuse, but it's all down to interpretation. I don't think there's been any suggestion of physical violence.

But I don't think it's necessarily relevant at this stage whether the X is a crazed abuser, a hurt and abandoned woman who will thaw with time, a woman with legitimate concerns, or a much maligned innocent. I think the point is that this is a battle the OP's BF has to fight, not the OP, and more importantly one that he has to want to fight. Otherwise regardless of whether he's a victim not yet strong enough to fight back or a commitment-phobe who is stringing the OP along, the effect on the OP is the same - she is excluded from a huge and important part of his life.

Woman on here talk about going out of their way to maintain contact between their children and their abusive exes all the time and don't get the sort of shit men get for not getting residency sorted out.

They seehim like dad after one year?

Op, he does need legal advice. If nothing else. It will show him that his ex doesn't have a leg to stand on. If you were a crack addict, with a history of violence for example, then she could fight it. She is behaving spitefully out of jealousy, and possibly anger that he is moving out of her control.
Take what you need from the thread and ignore the crap. If you posted saying your xh would not allow your children to meet the man you had been with for a year, you would have got very different replies. Think some people got out of bed on the wrong board, they thought it was aibu!

I have seen frank responses, nothing nasty. There's something about the OP that grates and it all seems very one sided. It seems to me that the OP has been hovering around for years and it all happened a little too quickly. That kind of behaviour does not inspire trust. I am thinking the ex W probably feels threatened by this combined with the OP having a nice big six bedroom house she wants to blend all six children in to. It all sounds a little too Try Hard and as though no one else's feelings are being considered.

As other posters have said, just because OP has got her kids all riled up over meeting her DP's children it doesn't mean they feel the same. They probably just want their Dad to themselves.

OP seems to have high expectations and I think the best she can hope for is a brief introduction to the kids and maybe relationships will grow. I agree that her spineless DP should have done this by now.

This is real life not The Brady Bunch.

Just to let you know that my BF Ex has no need to worry about me living in a "big" house!!!

I work full time and support myself and my children without help from my Ex or anyone else including my BF!!

She is very comfortable herself in a 6 bedroom house with a swimming pool, cleaner, horses, gardener etc and has no need to work - so jealous of what I have???

I think not!!!!

I take offense at my BF being called "spineless"!!

If wanting to see your children makes you spineless then give me an amoeba any day :-)

As I have said numerous times on this thread I am not looking to be The Brady Bunch - just want to start the ball rolling and meet my BF children :-)

I hope that they will want to meet me too!!

Thank you to all of you who posted positive solutions to our situation ......... :-)

Where have I said wanting to see your dc makes you spineless? I think not standing up to his ex does and tbh I don't think it's even about needing to stand up to her, you say he likes her, he gets on well with her. I think he doesn't want to rock the boat and he isn't putting your relationship first OR he is perfectly happy with things as they are. Either way I don't think he is being entirely honest with you.

She is very comfortable herself in a 6 bedroom house with a swimming pool, cleaner, horses, gardener etc and has no need to work

Presumably your boyfriend is financing this nice lifestyle then?

It's hard to tell exactly what you want here. To just meet the kids or for you all to be living together (during the time he has with his kids).

I think you need to ask yourself why it is so important to 'blend' your two families. Do you want to live with your DP?

Presumably you both have busy, active lives with careers, children (other family members? hobbies? etc etc). Why can't you carry on 'dating' rather than making a big issue about meeting his children?