1 year on and still not met his kids :-(

[Kurmaqueen]

That's it really and it's causing problems!!

My BF is divorced but his Ex will not allow me to be involved with his boys although she knows we are together as does his children.

We both want to move our relationship on and start blending our two families as we hate it that he is such an integral part of my life and not vice versa.

All the usual threats......

I was not the reason they split - but I was on the scene very soon after and she blames me and is very bitter and angry towards me and uses his children to pull at my BF heart strings :-(
Any advice as to how best to solve this and move on???

No-one has said he was bad to leave his marriage or called him abusive. Just that it is strange he hasn't even sought legal advice and mediation.

I think you're concentrating on bringing the wrong people back into your DCs lives. Is it possible to put as much effort into getting your ex back in their lives and some regular contact there?

You concentrate on your DCs, let him concentrate on his, and maybe in time they can meet, but no need to force it.

Even if the ExW has bad mouthed you to her DCs there would still be a high possibility that after dealing with a messy parent split, they are not ready to hear your DCs calling their Dad, Dad.

I hope it works out so that all the children involved and happy and feel secure. That's the most important thing after all.

nothing wrong with him wanting to do that. nothing stopping him either IMO.

he does sound like a good dad.

I'm with you OP. The 'anti-OP- brigade' are confusing me too, what with their presumptions and blatant disregard to the facts.

I don't think you will ever be able to get your point across to those posters that just do not seem to read and understand your posts!

For me though, you could not have put things more clearly. Like I said before, it really is not rocket science. And I'm glad that your BF is planning to see a solicitor next week. That might shut up satisfy those who call him spineless and who don't understand why he has not done anything about it before.

One can only hope.....

However I do find myself getting frustrated because he keeps telling me that he will get things sorted and sets timescales and deadlines - for example Xmas and that came and went and I didn't see him for a week :-(

You didn't see him for a week. At Xmastime.

His children weren't with him for the whole week were they? They'd have been with their mother for some of that time and unless her new boyfriend has left the scene and your boyfriend was back playing happy families in the old homestead, what reasons did he have for going missing for a whole week?

I agree with many other posters. He's just not that into you but won't tell you the truth about why he hasn't overruled his ex and included you in his children's visits.

He knows he can. Everyone knows that.

Maybe the shine is beginning to wear off after 15 months and he thinks he got involved with you too quickly? Rebound relationships are fairly common after all, but it's generally wiser to have a break from relationships, especially when hurt and bewildered kids are involved. Of course that applies to their mom too, but maybe she waited longer than her ex did?

If he didn't see you or your kids who treat him as Pa for a week over xmastime, he just isn't as into this relationship as you are.

I doubt he'll do anything about lawyering up anytime soon. He might tell you he has to get you off his back, but I'd check the paperwork if I were you...

I also think he's either not that into you and/or his children don't want to meet you. My ds age 12 refuses to meet his father's partner. He won't even have her name mentioned.

If you have known your DP for years have you not already met his children? If I were you I would be observing what he does from now on rather than what he says. If he wants you to meet his dc then he can make that happen. If he really wants to.

On a general note (and I know that this does not apply to the OP), I agree that children should never be used to try to control an ex but it cannot be assumed that an ex will choose a partner who has your child's best interests at heart. The partner of my ex has a drink problem, an eating disorder, has threatened and attempted suicide on a number of occasions and her young dd displays sexually inappropriate behaviour. I don't want my ds anywhere near her.

Hi OP, have just discovered your thread and have been reading with great interest, as another poster already said, in some ways it reads like my own story...
So much was bungled on dh side when we got together, his refusal to stand up to controling ex, his Disney parenting, all out of guilt and fear. We've been in couple counseling for a year to allow him to admit this to himself and "come clean". But I'm afraid we shall be attending a few more sessions yet...
Interestingly my mil was my biggest support in getting him to man up, after all, what kind of example was he setting his kids?

Fwiw, I'd been a lp for 8 years, my ex had remarried after 4 years, dh and exw had divorced and it was 2 years later that we met... She still poisoned her kids against their dad, and me by association . It has taken years for dsd to see we're actually nice, normal people, but its damned hard for her to let go of her mums opinions and it's taken a toll on her and us and her attitude to life in general.

OP, I don't want to dampen your enthusiasm about meeting the children,but if I were you I'd start looking at the step parenting board here. It's sprinkled with the usual casual remarks on wicked stepmothers, but loads of really good and helpful advice. Please read Wednesday martins book Stepmonster, its the sm bible! and tread this path with your eyes open! I'm a hopeless and rather naive optimist, myself, and might have run for the hills had I read this before marrying a man with kids

One other thing to add is that you might also think about both of you joining Families Need Fathers. It's a charity that does a lot to help support people in this situation.

Despite what you might think from it's name, somewhere around one third of the membership are actually women. They are very often in a similar situation to yourself:-

www.fnf.org.uk/

Oh no I've really ruined it now :-(

My BF and I discussed me buying his middle son a birthday present - nothing big just a little token .....

I did just that and my BF Ex gone really really mad at me !!!

My BF son written me a lovely thank you note saying he hopes to see me soon :-)

His mum just called me up at work and to be honest I was in such shock that I can't really remember what she said but it wasn't nice ........

I am shaking and don't know what to do ...

I was so shocked that I didn't say anything to her - just let her rant !!!!

Not looking good is it ????

No.

Where was he for a week at Xmas?

My guess is that she is panicking because she can feel the control slipping away.

Ignore and carry on if that's what your BF is happy to do. Eventually she will realise that she can't micro-manage her children's lives like this.

If she phones you at work again just tell her you are putting the phone down and do it. Don't discuss or justify anything. That's your BF's job.

I am sympathetic to your situation but I do think giving your boyfriend's son a present (when you haven't met him and know that you have been banned from having contact with him) is asking for trouble.

Your boyfriend, in his current position was wrong to suggest that you buy his child (who hasn't met you in the context of "daddy's girlfriend") a present. Is your boyfriend being a deliberate buffoon, or is he just a bit manipulative and weasly and you cannot see it? Why did you feel the need to push up yourself by indulging yourself as step mother before this whole mix up has been sorted out?
I'm not slagging you, but until you wrote your last post I was neutral (or just lurking). You are encouraging your boyfriend in his slackness. Mind that you are unwittingly being drawn into some dynamic that you will not want to be a part of. Why would you want to add unnecessary fuel to the fire by slyly communicating with your boyfriend's son via the disney step parent route? Your boyfriend didn't have to involve you in the present buying. Now I'm convinced that he is not as innocent as he makes out. Mind that the first time that you and him are not on the same page (the page being him as the misunderstood man with a jealous ex ) that you don't see another side to him.
Please don't put yourself in a position to get egg on your face. I don't want to be a party pooper, but how come your boyfriend is capable of getting you to act unwisely ("unwisely" doesn't mean that I can't see that you are in love and have a big heart), but he can't convince his ex of letting him see your kind self (considering that she herself has "moved on")?
I wonder if you can see where your boyfriend has played you. He seems to deliberately want you to share in his ex's wrath towards him. What were your motives for buying the present? To keep him onside (be honest with yourself) as his "saviour"? If it was to get his kid onside, you were wrong. You cannot buy love/like. Own you own manipulation of his child because that is what you have done (for the sake of your boyfriend). Let him sort out this mess. Keep out of it, because anyone with any sense can see that your boyfriend is not as innocent as he has you convinced that he is. He is throwing you under the bus, my love. You are too in love to see.
As an aside, try and "fix" the relationship with YOUR children's father and them. Also, stop chatting your boyfriend's ex to your children. Stop emotionally investing time in your boyfriends "tragedy". Stop trying to save him, because he aint gonna save you.
If I'm being blunt, your boyfriend is still carrying feelings for the ex. He loves your compliance and the fact that you believe him to the point that you have turned fool for him. Do you really want to be loved for that? Please ask yourself why a man who professes to love you would ask you to join him in present buying for a child that his ex doesn't want you to see. Why would a man in a contentious and delicate situation (but with damn near 50/50 access) put you in a position to get a rollicking? Then ask yourself honestly why you need to save a man and if that wasn't part of your unwitting manipulation of a child that is (in the grand scheme of things) nothing to you?
Get out of dodge, before you, through shame can't get yourself out of the situation. Your man is not protective of you, is he? He seems to like 'em strong, until they disagree with him, doesn't he? I can't see any other reason apart from fear as to why you agreed to the foolishness of buying your boyfriend's child a present...especially knowing that you would probably get a rollicking. If you didn't see that coming then I can see why a "victim" such as your boyfriend chose you. Or you are not as altruistic as you appear.

Agree with a lot of the last post. I really just don't get a lot of your actions at all OP. What did you think would happen?

Good question!

Not sure really !!

Just wanted to give a little present :-)

Think I just have to accept that my BF ex still means too much .....

Time to walk away I suppose - but it's so so hard to do that!!

He was there at Xmas wasn't he?

He was with me and my children Xmas day and then with his children from Boxing Day until 2nd January -
Only texts whilst not here for fear of repercussions from his ex :-(

His children and his ex know we are together but she won't allow me to see his children ....

Can't seem to move on from that because he is scared that she will stop access !!!

It's doing me in - I have let him into my life 100%
But he is scared to do the same .....

I just feel after all this time that he should.

He wants to and keeps telling me that but can't face up to his ex :-(

So what, the children were at his place from 26/12 - 2/1?

Do you know that for certain?

When you say his ex means too much to him, do you mean he still loves her and would get back with her?

I reread your post and I think you mean he was at his ex's place for the whole week, with her. Otherwise the bit about not being able to contact you properly for a whole week doesn't make sense.

I'm actually wondering now whether they've got back together and he's playing you off against eachother.

If she thinks you're the "other woman" no wonder she's blazing at you.

If you think she's the mad ex no wonder you're blazing at her.

Have you stayed at his place?

Have you seen his divorce papers?

Agree with stooshe and lalalonglegs.

that texting only thing from boxing day to 2nd jan really stinks. I agree that they may not be as over as your BF is making out. It would explain a lot.