1 year on and still not met his kids :-(

[Kurmaqueen]

That's it really and it's causing problems!!

My BF is divorced but his Ex will not allow me to be involved with his boys although she knows we are together as does his children.

We both want to move our relationship on and start blending our two families as we hate it that he is such an integral part of my life and not vice versa.

All the usual threats......

I was not the reason they split - but I was on the scene very soon after and she blames me and is very bitter and angry towards me and uses his children to pull at my BF heart strings :-(
Any advice as to how best to solve this and move on???

That is what I don't get either Purplebaubles the children are getting used to Mum and Dad not being together and Dad having these other children referring to him as Dad and some Woman despirate to create a new family, when it is only 18 months since their family broke up. It all seems about what OP wants, she wants a Dad for her children, she wants his children to Mother and is not thinking about anyone else other than her fantasy family.

Just makes me very sad :(

It would absolutely kill me if DH left me, and then got into another relationship with someone who was demanding me to hand my flesh and blood over, so she could play happy families, whilst I then had to sit at home being upset.

I wouldn't want my children to have anything to do with this woman personally! And I would also probably be fighting tooth and nail to make sure she didn't have access as such.

There is not a lot you can do about it though after a year, solicitor recommended a year to give the children a chance with Dad to start to develop a new relationship before introducing someone else.

If Mum had good evidence of OP's behaviour towards her own children as she describes on this thread, her legal team may advise her differently.

FYI my partners Ex has a boyfriend too and is happy for him to spend time with their children.

Also FYI my ex husband moved in with his GF 3 months after he left me for her!

After another 3 months without even asking me they both took MY children on holiday abroad for a week!!!

Sadly now he has through his own choice decided to see our children once in a blue moon.

I wasn't particularly keen on the fact that he went away with his GF and my children so quickly but what could I do???

To be honest these virtuous posts make me feel quite sad.

I do not need to have a "dad" for my children.
I do not wish to be a "mother" to my BF children.

Just believe that now after 18 months my BF not ME or his EX should be allowed to make the decision to meet his children.

Not his Ex!!!

She has moved on !!!!

bloody hell there are some disproportionate posts on this thread.

Firstly, a year is IMO far too long to wait to introduce children to a new partner. Obviously every situation is different, but a year is in fact quite a reasonable time to invest in a relationship, most people know well before that whether the relationship has future potential, and if you think it does, then it's a long time to invest in a relationship if things then don't work out when the kids are introduced. As a matter of interest, in the eyes of the courts,a serious relationship (wrt introduction of children etc) is considered to be three months.

Secondly, the ex has no rights wrt who the children are introduced to. People may not like that, but fact is that the op's dp is an equal parent to his children, and he has just as much right to introduce them to a new partner as she does. It's funny how generally people don't seem to bat an eyelid at a mother introducing children to a new partner, yet seem to think the same mother should have the right to dictate whether the father should be allowed to do the same. Well she doesn't.

As for the op's children, what exactly do people expect the op to say to them? if you know someone has children and you ask when they will meet them what is she to say? Or should she have withheld the fact that there are other children in the equation and then sprung them on her kids just at the point when their own relationship is nicely established? You can't just say nothing when the children are of an age when they more than understand that for some reason they're not allowed to meet the op's bf's children.

How the ex and op's dp split is irrelevant - even if there was an overlap, there is never justification for using children as pawns to get your own way by threatening to withhold access. never. That fact alone makes the woman a pretty despicable individual.
her children meeting her ex's partner with hwhom he is in an established relationship.

Op - only your partner can change things here, but personally my advice would be for him to formalise the access arrangements by going to court. His ex will then be told in no uncertain terms that she has no rights to withhold access or too prevent

Great post wannaBe. I'm glad someone is redressing the balance.

Wannabe - thank you for your post!!

OMG I was beginning to think that I am a bad person!!!

I have to go to work now but will be back later....

I must say I am a little in shock at most of these posts :-(

I don't really understand what I have done wrong here or what my BF has done wrong .....

He has been trying to respect his EX wishes but she just won't relent and it's just double standards :-(

"Do you feel I should be telling lies to my children as to why we are all yet to meet my BF children???"

You could try telling them a version of the truth that wasn't all about your jealous loathing of her.

To involve your children in this, and to allow them to think of this man you have been dating for a year as their father, is appalling,

There is no particular reason why your children should have anything to do with your recent boyfriend's children.

You and he are not a family, you're just two people who are going out with one another.

I can understand why she's raging about you tbh if you were always hovering on the sidelines while they were together.

I could not agree more with join especially the last line.

My STBXH has lived with the OW for nearly two years now. My kids have not met her. I've not stopped it - my STBXH has never asked or taken up my offer to have then for a weekend. I assume this is because my STBXH is just not ready yet.

I'm sure the ow is blaming me and calling me a controlling cow. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Are you sure HE really wants to set up a new family with you? He might just not be ready to make that jump.

I know you love your BF and don't want to leave him over this, but I think you have to have that resolution in your head, even if it as a last-resort option.

As a father, your BF's priority is going his children rather than a newish relationship. However unfair and manipulative the mother of his children is being, the fact remains that as the parent with care of those children she has enormous influence over your BF's ability to maintain a relationship with those children. Therefore, she is going to have more influence over your BF's decision making than you are. In a battle between what you want and what she wants (read: his relationship with this DC), you will lose I'm afraid.

This leaves only three possible outcomes:

1. You accept this and hope that eventually she comes round. She may, she may not. IF she doesn't, or if she thaws only partly and allows access but remains manipulative and difficult, chances are your relationship with your BF will fall apart anyway. Consistently being treated as second best and feeling that someone else is pulling the puppet strings in a blended family is a sure-fire recipe for resentment and disharmony. It will lead to you losing all respect for your BF.

1. You leave and try again with someone else.

1. You issue an ultimatum (with the important caveat that you are actually prepared to carry out this ultimatum) that unless he gets to grip with this issue you will end the relationship, with the hopeful outcome that your BF will tackle the issue with his X and come up with a resolution.

If you take option 3 and your BF gets on board, you'd need to consider the financial and emotional costs of what could be extensive legal action. It is to be hoped that your BF could win round his X by appealing to her better nature. If he can make an intelligent argument about what's best for the children and for his X rather than what's easiest for him, he may have a chance. If he doesn't, however, court action may be his only other route, which comes with no guarantees even if access is court-ordered.

I hope this doesn't sound unsympathetic, but having your feelings validated on here isn't going to help your BF fight his battles. Sometimes it's more beneficial to have a situation reduced to its bare bones in order to make a decision about it.

Hope you get somewhere with it.

Yes, he can and should be making those decisions? Has he seen a solicitor? What is his plan for the future?

in the meantime, he is living a kind of double-life. It cant be good for anyone except his ex. Especially the children

What I don't get is why is it the ew fault that you don't see his kids. Doesn't make sense to me. If HE wanted it they would have met by now even if it was in the park or for lunch. It is so easy to blame that mad resentful ex wife of his. Remember too that if he is slagging off his ex - huge red flag here!!!!!

Good post WannaBe

You have invited a man to join your family and become a new Dad to your DCs when he wasn't really free to do so. You should have waited until he had established regular contact with his own children and the dust had settled before involving your DCs so deeply.

As it stands now they have already been hurt by your BF disappearing over the whole xmas period due to the difficulties with his ex and if your relationship fails, which it may do due to these pressures then they will have lost another 'Dad'. This could have been avoided if you hadn't rushed things between him and your children.

By the way, I don't think his ex should be able to dictate who he allows the children to meet during his time with them, but it wouldn't have become such an urgent issue if you hadn't already blended half of your family so quickly and unnecessarily. Now the whole thing is a mess.

"
Remember too that if he is slagging off his ex - huge red flag here!!!!!" really? how many posts are there on mn from people who slag off their ex's? Let's not forget that ex's are usually ex's for a reason - although as she's a woman the mn consensuss will of course be that she's an innocent little victim while he's a bastard for daring to leave an unhappy marriage.

but if slagging off one's ex is a red flag then the relationships board is full of them.

HISSY - if you had read my full thread you will see that I have been friends with him for YEARS so I do indeed know him well
I know he is a great dad.
My children already knew him too.

I say again. You know NOTHING! being friends with someone means NOTHING when it comes to making the change to a "relationship" How many women on here do you see being horrifically abused by their partners and to the outside world he's charm personified.

You were 'in the background' no wonder his ex isn't happy. She sees you as having lurked in the shadows no doubt and now all loved up with her Ex. She may indeed have issues, but she may have a point.

What your ex does is completely irrelevant here, no reason you need to stoop to his level. You are supposed to support and protect your children, nothing more.

You are now being inconsistent with your timings now, it makes not a jot of difference whether it's a year or a little more, you are still only GF/BF and the kids are NOT to be involved in the respective baggage. Simply, none of his life is any business of theirs.

And you say you don't need him to be their dad, but you were bragging about it upthread.

You have only been with him for a year. You could still break up.

Will the DC then have to get used to another new daddy? Think about it.

You are doing them no favours at all. They have a dad. granted he may be a crap one, but he is still their dad. you are fucking them up to encourage otherwise.

Your BF needs to sort out his life. He needs to sort out and get legally agreed access. He needs to be able to have the space and freedom to make decisions in his life. But he isn't. Either he doesn't really want to, or he lacks the spine/courage/bravery to take that 'fight' on.

I did read your full thread. I got it bang on.

I was married for over 25 years before getting divorced 2.5 years ago and I am most certainly not naive.

I do not feel the need to justify my discussions with my children with anyone as no-one knows me personally on a forum. My children are far more aware and emotionally grown up than most due to the nature of my previous marriage.

So the damage that was done to them by the mariage between their parents is to be cured by you ramming a bloke in their midsts and encouraging them to allow him to be 'their father'?

I didn't say you were being naive. I said you were reckless and emotionally neglectful

I am not asking for help on my relationship with them -thanks anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, perhaps not, but with their parents running their lives like this, they need all the help they can get.

Put your kids first.

Sneaky post whilst at work LOL......

My BF doesn't slag off his EX he far too much of a decent man to do that!!

Actually he has always been respectful if her when talking to me about her.

It took him many years to actually walk out of his marriage - the reasons for that are not relevant here.

He no way has left his sons.

She recognizes that fact and she is happy with access that he has as it gives her time to herself and with her new man.

He supports her well financially and she does not have to work.

My point is purely and simply that surely she cannot dictate as and when my BF can introduce me to their children.

He has tried talking to her and she will not budge.

It surely is not fair on his children to threaten their dad that he won't see them if he continues to have a relationship with me that includes meeting them????

I have not stated in this thread that I want us both with 6 children to live together as a family so why do some people keep saying that is what I am implying???

Both of us wish to just get me to meet the boys and for my kids and his to have some time together ....

"We both want to move our relationship on and start blending our two families"

That's a bit different from just meeting them and spending some time together.

any relationship can break up at any time. time is no respector of such things, some relationships last a year or two, others last for decades and then end.

The op didn't post here for advice on her own children. fact here is that the op's dp's ex is using her children to manipulate her ex. Chances are that she will continue to do this even if the op and her dp break up and he gets together with someone else. Whether she didn't like the op being in the background beforehand is irrelevant. whether she feels that the op and her dp got together before their marriage ended is irrelevant. In fact her feelings are irrelevant, however much people might not want to hear/acknowledge that. Threatening to withhold access because you don't want your children to meet your ex's new partner is never justified. ever, and the courts take a pretty dim view of that. That makes her a pretty crap mother herself tbh.

The OP didn't ask for advice about her own children, but they are integral to the situation as it is the OP's desire to blend families which is pushing this. The BF has many options available to him if he isn't happy with his ex's demands. He could seek legal advice, go to mediation, get a contact order. He has chosen to accept his ex's terms at this point so really that is all the OP needs to know. Just because she is desperate for the children to all be together it doesn't mean her BF is, or surely he would have taken action by now.

I wonder how many of the self righteous posters on this thread are actually separated from the fathers of their children.

These children are of an age where they're not going to buy the "this is mummy's friend" line if being introduced. They're not toddlers they're preteens, who probably have friends with separated parents and new partners in their lives, they're not going to be as naïve as people seem to think. So once introductions start to happen things will begin to develop. you can blend a family without all having to move in together, once children start to be introduced to one another the family already does start to "blend".
marriages end. people find new partners, children are introduced. to suggest this process should take years is naïve - at the age the children are now they're old enough to ask why they weren't introduced sooner if they find out that the relationship has been going on for years and they've not been allowed to be a part of it. no-one is suggesting introducing children after the first date but a year (or sooner) is not unreasonable in the slightest.

Maybe the reason he is happy to go along with his ex, is partly from watching OP's behaviour around her dc. Maybe he doesn't want them calling her Mum like she has her children call him Dad, and maybe he doesn't want his children exposed as much as op does.