1 year on and still not met his kids :-(

[Kurmaqueen]

That's it really and it's causing problems!!

My BF is divorced but his Ex will not allow me to be involved with his boys although she knows we are together as does his children.

We both want to move our relationship on and start blending our two families as we hate it that he is such an integral part of my life and not vice versa.

All the usual threats......

I was not the reason they split - but I was on the scene very soon after and she blames me and is very bitter and angry towards me and uses his children to pull at my BF heart strings :-(
Any advice as to how best to solve this and move on???

OP, you said that your ex hardly sees your DC's. Is there anything you can do to focus more on this relationship at present? I know you cannot force your ex to be a good father, but sometimes relationships drift. This isn't OK but maybe there are some things that could be done to improve this. Your DCs may benefit from improving this relationship before starting new ones with your DPs DCs.

I also have seen many long relationships end (around the 20 year mark) and the loss of the family life and life that could of been tear people apart so sometimes the need to make everything as it was, but with a new DP can take over. After such long previous relationships things need to be taken slowly. Your DCs don't need any more disappointment at present, so forcing new relationships with your DPs DCs can surely wait.

I do also think that it is him that is stalling and not his exW to blame. If she really is as toxic as you state then surely he would want to establish legal access even more. If he can't stand up to his exW and tell her what he really wants, how do you know he's able to tell you what he really wants either.

Basically OP you'e trying to make all the squares (ie everyone else involved) fit into your own self-defined round hole. Let it be. Stop trying to control the whole thing. if his kids have some sort of stability now where they see their dad 50/50, then let it be already. Do you for one minute think meeting you and your kids is front and centre of their minds? Hardy. They're going through what sounds like a nasty separation remember?

And continuing on the theme of putting the kids first, Hissy may have been blunt but I totally agree with her. If your kids have been through so much, do you not think it's time to let them have a chance to be kids rather than treating them like agony aunts in your adult drama? 13, 11 and 9... for heaven's sake they shouldn't have any more to think about than playing with their friends.

Dahlen gave good advice above, as did ragwort. Just step back and stop thinking about you.

Some people just have this kind of relationship with their kids. I know I do. Nought wrong with that!

I think the op is thinking about herself, her BF (he wishes the same as her), her kids (they wish the same too) and her BF kids (we don't know their opinions, but why on earth people would presume they didn't want to meet the op and her kids I don't know!) I expect the BF has talked to them about it and anyway, they know she exists as they have met her before (at BBQ's etc).

Of course the OP is talking about HER! This is her thread. I bet that if the BF started his own thread, he would be saying the same things! I really can't see any hidden agenda here.

If her BF wished the same as her he'd have done something about it by now. Her kids think the same as her because she's given them those expectations. As a previous poster said they should not have to be worrying about that kind of thing.

Of course the OP is talking about HER! This is her thread. I bet that if the BF started his own thread, he would be saying the same things! I really can't see any hidden agenda here.

Exactly.

I think there are a lot of people projecting their own issues onto the OP and her BF on this thread. I don't feel that this is an example of MN at its best to say the very least.

Here here Goldmandra!

Sparkly - he hasn't done anything about it because he is paranoid about his ex wife denying him access to his dc!!! Can you not see that!?

She has said to both him and OP that this is what she will do.

It's really not rocket science is it now?

And exactly how long will he let that go on for?

the thing is that the xw would be perfectly capable of withholding access if he doesn't comply. And poisoning her children against him/the op. And for anyone who thinks that "just go to court," is the easy solution - it isn't. It is costly, and time consuming. but of course no-one on this thread is in a position where this could be done to them are they? because we are all women on this thread, and all the ones who could threaten it rather than be a victim of it.

I have friends who have had to go to court to secure proper access to their children. an it took years, because every time access was granted she breached the court order, and what did the courts do? nothing. meanwhile she told her children that her ex' new gf was a slag and a hore and that she had left her h because he was sleeping with new gf (he wasn't, and the children were seven, five and two). ten years on and they all now live with their father because they eventually saw the mother for what she was. but it took a long court battle to even get to the point where he was allowed to see them.

Either there are a lot of naïve people on this thread who don't realise that there are a lot of women out there who are prepared to use their children as weapons like this, or there are a lot of women on this thread who would be prepared to do it. I'm not entirely sure which.

Once again thank you to those posting helpful advice and I will definately be showing this thread to my BF when I next see him :-)

Luckily he has his boys until Monday so slight delay!!

I do keep saying that it is not JUST my wish that I meet my BF children - he wants that for HIMSELF and his children as at the moment it must look strange to them that their dad has a GF with kids that they have not met!!

They know he stays with me a lot and are themselves asking questions ......

However they have told their dad that their mum has told them that I am the reason that he left them all and this has obviously affected their thoughts on me.

I really do not feel the need to keep telling you all that I was not in a relationship with my BF whilst he was still living at home with his then wife....

Yes I knew him and have done for many years as I have already said he is a friend of my brother!!

Unfortunately when you get into your 40's it happens very often that you fall for someone you have known a long time.

I am not the type of person who goes to the pub, uses Internet dating etc.

I did indeed have some dates after my divorce with men - mainly who I met through work but I wasn't ready or looking for a relationship.

I cannot help the fact that my BF Ex has got it into her head that we were having an affair - maybe that thought justified in her head the reason her marriage broke down??

My BF has not ever slated her - yes I am aware of her controlling nature but that doesn't mean that he has slagged her off to me .....

As I have said already if a woman leaves a marriage then the general feeling is "well done you" but if a man makes that decision then he gets a flaming :-(

She continues to make threats to my BF, voices the same to mutual friends and to me so I know full well that my BF is not making this up!!!

I have told him briefly about this thread and he is seeing his solicitor next week to try to get access legally drawn up but he knows that even with this in place there is still no guarantee that she will honour it :-(

The problem with someone who is prepared to play emotional games with their children is that often they have already said things to the kids before you can realise and attempt to undo the damage. And when you are certain that your ex is capable of these things, you often revert back into that compliant state because you know what the outcome will be otherwise.

I actually had the entirely opposite scenario, I split from my ex in July 2012 but wasn't able to move out of the family home until February 2013 because of waiting for money, separation agreements etc to be formalised and to then get another house. But my ds was well aware that we had split from about October (and I was in the spare room from July when we first split up).

In April I started seeing someone who had been a friend to me, but there had been no suggestion of anything more before then. After about three weeks my ex engineered a meeting between my ds and my bf by coming round, unannounced, for my ds to pick something up he'd forgotten. he could have called, I had been up-front about having bf to stay to prevent such an eventuality. Xh then issued an ultimatum - either I tell ds that I have a boyfriend, or he would. I tried to reason the fact that it was waay too soon (by about six months too soon in my personal view) but he was adamant. Ds deserved to know the truth. And he deserved to be incorporated into our lives not excluded. I knew for certain that he was perfectly capable of it and so he left me with no choice. I was fortunate in that ds took to bf and that our relationship is still going strong, but at such an early stage I couldn't possibly have been so scertain. At the same time my xh was in fact seeing a woman he had met on a dating site (which he had joined before I had moved out) and omitted to tell me this for a few more weeks, and then waited several more months before telling ds, something which I was entirely supportive of. In the meantime he started planting ideas in ds' head about how we could never get back together because I had started seeing bf as soon as we'd split up (I hadn't) while at the same time he too had been seeing someone else but had made it all my doing. but I wasn't able to undo any thought processes ds was having until the conversations had already been had.

So imagine if someone is poisoning their ckids like that an d also the threat of no access is in the equation. must be horrendous.

I'm finding some of these posts about other posters' motivations (and knowledge of the system) extremely patronising and irritating.

Several posters have acknowledged that the ex wife's attempts to control who her children spend time with when they are with their father, are both pointless and unwise.

And although given the tone of some of the OP's posts and the content of them, I can readily understand why the children's mother isn't wildly happy about her children spending substantial periods of time with a woman who hates her so much and whom she dislikes too, it's a fact that in family law she cannot place any restrictions unless there are serious concerns about the children's welfare.

I am also aware that it's possible that as times goes on, the ex-wife's views could soften and as the co-parenting arrangement currently appears to be equitable and conducted on civilised terms, the situation might change before a formal legal agreement is necessary.

What's not in doubt however is that despite knowing full well that his ex wife has no legal rights to control who the children meet, this man hasn't even sought advice about what to do if he and his children want the OP to be a more recognised person in their lives, never mind 'go to court' as people keep exaggerating.

Stranger still is that a man allegedly exiting a relationship to be on his own and escape from a controlling woman, didn't think it might be necessary to sort out residence and contact arrangements at the same time as his divorce. If his ex wife was appalled that he had got into a relationship so quickly with the OP, that divorce must have occurred after her feelings about the OP became clear.

It's got nothing to do with posters being unable to conceive that some parents use their child as weapons, or that they are unaware of the law and its inadequacies.

It's that posters are unwilling to assume that the OP knows what her partner's children really want, nor that this apparently inert and passive man is being entirely honest with the OP about the situation.

If he is acting in the best interests of his children, hopefully he will act accordingly as their father. That doesn't necessarily mean that those actions will meet the OP's interests however, although in time it might be possible to incorporate both.

Yes wAnnabe and because there are people who are prepared to use their kids as weapons, imo the best option for OP is not to rock the boat and just let things play out the way they would naturally with as little disruption to the kids as possible.

I completely agree with was
WannaBe.

Any mother who threatens to stop access for such a pathetic reason (ie her ishoos) is a bit of a cock. There's no actual danger.
Children first. Period.
And using them this way is clearly inappropriate.

FAMILYSCAPEGOAT - sorry to critisize your post but NOT ONCE have I said that I HATE my BF Ex-wife!!!

That is the problem I suppose with these threads some people read what they want to read and answer accordingly!!!

Not once have I used that word!!
Not once have I said that I want my BF children to move In With us - maybe one day that might be discussed but I have not even mentioned that on this thread .....

Why do posters assume ??????

All we both want is to escape her control
Stop her threats
And get to spend some time with all our children
But that is only if the children WANT to !!!

It should be up to my BF and his children and not his Ex to decide when that time is !!!!!

I had to check this was actually in relationships and not elsewhere.

I don't think I've ever seen posts suggesting an alternative view on such a thread on this board classed as 'nasty' in this way.

Bizarre.

"Yes wAnnabe and because there are people who are prepared to use their kids as weapons, imo the best option for OP is not to rock the boat and just let things play out the way they would naturally with as little disruption to the kids as possible." because of course it is natural to threaten to withhold access to children if your wishes are not complied with isn't it. what a load of bullshit.

And yes there have been nasty posts on this thread, calling the op emotionally neglectful, accusing her of being the ow, suggesting that the xw's reactiona are entirely reasonable...

I stand by my view that the OP is wrong to involve her children in the ins and outs of the situation.

I'm not on here to ask for your opinion on whether or not I "involve" my children!!!

They are not "involved" in the complexities of our situation - I put my children first in all that I do thank you!!

But yes my children know the reason that they have not met my BF children is because their mum won't allow it!!

What else do you expect me to say???

OMG I cannot quite believe that I am being slated for stating the truth !!!!!!

you aren't being slated for stating the truth.

I don't think you are lying. I just don't agree that how you have involved your children in this is ok.

are you new to Mumsnet? because it is normal to hear views that don't necessarily fall in line with your own. Did you just want a rant? or for people to only agree with you?

Was that for me Wannabe? Not sure what you mean ..I was agreeing with you. Of course the ex's behaviour isn't reasonable but any attempt to force the issue by OP's bf will destabilise the current sitch where basically he is in the the routine of seeing them a fair bit as I understand it. She's not denying access to him, just to OP right?

My point is it should be all about the kids and keeping things as normal as possible for them.

Wow, Op, you have got a real pasting on here from some people who never seem yo deviate fron the 'how to relate to your kids' and 'how to have the perfect relationship with the perfect partnet' textbooks ;)

I don't have any useful advice, just sympathy!

Seem to, perfect partner... Grr stupid phone.

OP the general consensus on a woman leaving a marriage is not "well done you" believe me.

A lot of women in loveless or even abusive marriages do not get "well done you" In a lot of cases they are pressured by in laws or even their own familes to stay in the relationship.

I was going to just leave my post a while back but keep coming back!!

It's just that I don't really get why people keep flaming me by assuming that I was the OW !!

I was not ...

My BF is not lying to me....

Yes I agree that he may appear somewhat "spineless"

But if he were a woman expressing the same concerns then the replies would be somewhat different!

How many women on here slate the absent dad....
Not seeing their kids, emotional abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, not paying their way???

My BF has done none of that!!

He is guilty of leaving a marriage that is true but he wants to see his children, pay for his children yet wants them to meet his GF over 1 year down the line - what is wrong with that???

Please tell me as I am so very confused???