1 year on and still not met his kids :-(

[Kurmaqueen]

That's it really and it's causing problems!!

My BF is divorced but his Ex will not allow me to be involved with his boys although she knows we are together as does his children.

We both want to move our relationship on and start blending our two families as we hate it that he is such an integral part of my life and not vice versa.

All the usual threats......

I was not the reason they split - but I was on the scene very soon after and she blames me and is very bitter and angry towards me and uses his children to pull at my BF heart strings :-(
Any advice as to how best to solve this and move on???

I think you are wrong to have involved your children so much in the (one sided) ins and outs of the situation personally.

If the children are aware that the BF has children of his own they are bound to ask why they can't meet them. The OP has to answer their questions honestly. They aren't involved. They are aware.

Your children shouldn't know that your bf's mother is stopping his children from meeting them.

i think you should ask your bf to stay away until he has resolved the issue actually

it is not fair on your kids, or his, that he is forming such a bond in these circumstances IMO

Bf's ex, not mother

We involved my children as after a few months of us being together they were asking when they would meet his boys.

We were together around 6 months before my BF started staying over and I suppose things for us all have moved forward quite quickly but that is because I had known him well for many years and my children have known him for a long time due to my brother.

I also "know" his ex as again that was through my brother and his ex has confronted me so I know that it is not my BF who does not want me to see his children - his Ex told me that to my face :-(

However I do find myself getting frustrated because he keeps telling me that he will get things sorted and sets timescales and deadlines - for example Xmas and that came and went and I didn't see him for a week :-(

I suppose I am looking for your thoughts on whether I should just sit back and wait until he is ready or should I myself issue some form of ultimatum/deadline to get this sorted as to be honest I am beginning to feel rather sad at being built up to the "event" and then let down as he tells his Ex that he is going to introduce me and then she flies into a rage and he backs down :-(

I think you should finish it

were you emotionally involved with him, whilst he was with his wife? How soon did you get together after they divorced?

Reading the dating thread, lots of people dating with kids say they wouldn't introduce their children to a new partner for at least a year. In many people's views you rushed blending your own children. If someone wants to provide more protection for their own they are entitled to.

We have been friends for years.
Well friends through my brother IYKWIM
We got "emotionally" involved pretty soon after he separated.
A physical relationship started around 3 months after he left and his Ex knew about us whilst their divorce was going through.
We have been together for 15 months now but for the first 3 months I did not make my children aware of the relationship just in case friends to partners never worked out .......
But it did work and does work still even given the complexity of our situation :-)
It's just how to deal with his Ex and his boys that is causing the issue

GoldMandra IMO they shouldn't even be aware.

This is adult stuff.

when/if the children do meet, they may let slip something that has been said about the childrens mum to his boys, which would be awful.

IMO OP you probably should have held back from introducing him to your children. This wouldn't be such an issue if you had taken things slow in that regard.

WTF? WHY are you communicating all this shite to your children?

You tell these kids a one-sided view of his kids mother, and they will resent her for it, regardless of any actual fact. That will cause friction and problems IF and when they ever do meet each other.

They see him as a FATHER figure?
You have not seen how he parents his children, he is still a Disney Dad for all you know. Yet he's established as a Father Figure to your DC. DC that have already been let down by their own 'Real Dad'.

You do realise how idiotic this is? You are with him for a year and have meshed him into your life when you have NO idea of who he is and what HIS life is like.

You seem to think that waiting for 3m to tell them about a BF is a good thing. It's not. It's normal. You told them about him when you started having sex with him. 'from friends to partners' You are not even partners NOW actually. It's ONLY a year and that is NOTHING in the scope of a relationship, especially when you both have kids/lives/baggage etc.

Your timeline is:
He gets separated, within a matter of weeks you are dating.
You start having sex 3m in and tell the kids you have a boyf.
3m later and he's staying over.

They know how much my BF loves his boys and how good a dad he is :-) - Erm, how exactly do they know this? They (and you) know nothing!

They view my BF as their dad really and they don't want it to be my fault or their fault if his relationship with his own children gets compromised because of us !!! I am utterly fucking speechless :(

You are being really reckless and emotionally neglectful with your children. His ExW may have a point.

The boys mum is doing the most awful damage not me.

I have never slated her to my children.

They have asked why they have not met my BF children or why I have not met them.

Both myself and my BF have answered them honestly as we do not believe in lies.

We have told them it is because my BF Ex won't allow it to happen - why say anything else when that is the truth???

She has told me that to my face!!!!!!

She is the one who continues the damage. She won't move on and won't allow my BF or her boys to move on.

She continues to slate me to her children as they tell my BF this and as I have been on the receiving end of her tongue myself I do not doubt this to be the case.

Personally speaking I do believe that a year is long enough and my BF and his Ex split up over 18 months ago so surely enough time has passed to allow our lives to take a new path??

They don't like the way his exwife is calling the shots .....

Your children, right?

What the hell are you involving your children into other adult people's relationships for?!

Let them be children!

You are a bit of a drama queen and teaching them that this is how relationships are.

HISSY - if you had read my full thread you will see that I have been friends with him for YEARS so I do indeed know him well
I know he is a great dad.
My children already knew him too.

I was married for over 25 years before getting divorced 2.5 years ago and I am most certainly not naive. I do not feel the need to justify my discussions with my children with anyone as no-one knows me personally on a forum. My children are far more aware and emotionally grown up than most due to the nature of my previous marriage. I am not asking for help on my relationship with them -thanks anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!

do you not think it best to remove your children from this dynamic, until your boyfriend has resolved issues with his ex?

I'm not surprised this woman doesn't want you involved with her children and roping them into your weird little fake family dynamic with this guy you have been dating for a year.

I don't think I believe that you weren't involved while they were together.

I don't think you should be involving your children in this drama, shows very poor boundaries to me.

In fact you sound like you are forcing the issue and getting your kids on board in order to apply pressure still further.

Exactly as join said actually. You sound desperate.

I don't understand how you say you know he is a great dad but the title of your post says you haven't met his kids?

You say you have known him for many years through your brother, did you not meet his wife and children then?

I'd hide this thread if I were you OP. The tone of most responses is unnecessarily unpleasant and unhelpful and I imagine more will follow suit.

I'm not sure why you're being accused of lying and being so manipulative. It doesn't seem that unreasonable to want the children to meet each other a year into the relationship or to be living as a family at that time. It may be sooner than others would choose to do it but I don't think that justifies the vitriol.

I'd be happy to bet that if the ex wife came on her saying she was going to withdraw contact if her children met their father's GF she'd be given short shrift, told it was none of her business who he introduced them to and reminded that the children have a right to see their father regardless of whether she agrees with his domestic arrangements.

You need to sit back and wait until he is ready.

A year to develop a father and child relationship post separation is quite a good idea.

I think the exwife has good reasons to not want you around the children, from the posts you put up.

I would focus on yourself and your children, you have quite some work to do in your own home, before fucking up the lives of your bf's children, please finish with the guy.

Wow I must say I am rather shocked at the venom here!!

I most certainly do not have a "fake" family...
I have 3 amazing grounded children and am not desperate just both of us frustrated at not being able to move things on.

Do you feel I should be telling lies to my children as to why we are all yet to meet my BF children???

How is that healthy???

We are both aware that this situation could cause damage to his relationship with his boys in the future and that is why I am asking for others thoughts and experiences.

I have a couple of RL friends whose marriages have ended and whilst I am not saying they did this right they have both introduced their children and vice versa much more quickly than a year.

Out of respect for my BF ex we both decided to give it time.

But they have been apart for 18 months now!!

Yes I have met his Ex when they were married and their children a few times at for example my brothers wedding, BBQ etc....

And "no" we were not having a relationship when he was married!!!!

Do you feel I should be telling lies to my children as to why we are all yet to meet my BF children???

I for one don't think you should be telling them lies, I just can't imagine being in a situation where I'd even be discussing this with my children at any stage of my relationship.

This guy really wasn't dating material from the word go.

It is not a case of telling lies to your dc. Your posts sound like you need to stop treating your children as if they are your sister/brother when you discuss things with them. Post on here instead of using your children as a sounding board, I bet they eye roll at listing to that all the time. Have you no friends/family/therapist you can talk to instead of your children?

I haven't read all of the thread...

But...

You say you also have children of the same age? How would you feel if you have another woman demanding to take your kids and blend them into another little happy family?!

I actually feel very very sorry for her! She's lost her husband, and now you're trying to take her kids off her as well.

Really??! You're a mum yourself, but you can't see this?