I’ve been helping my son out financially but I think I’ve made things worse

[Tentenet]

My son is 29 and I’ve always helped him when he’s been stuck but lately its getting to the point where I’m worrying about money myself and I don’t know how to handle it without causing a massive falling out.

He’s working full time as a delivery driver and lives with his girlfriend in a rented flat. They’ve been together about 3 years. Neither of them earn a fortune but they’re not out of work and I know they’re struggling with the cost of everything like everyone else.

Over the last year I’ve probably given him about £2700. It started off with things like his car needing repairs and him being short for rent one month when his wages were messed up. I didn’t mind helping, he’s my son and I had the money at the time. Some of it was meant to be paid back and some I just gave him but if I’m honest I’ve lost track of which was which now.

He’s asked me for another £600 because there’s something wrong with his car and he says he can’t keep getting to work without sorting it. I do understand that, he needs his car for his job and if he can’t work he’s going to be in an even worse position.

The thing is I found out last week that him and his girlfriend had booked a weekend away and bought concert tickets. I wasn’t snooping, he was telling me about it and it came up in conversation. Apparently they’d booked it before the car problem and the money for the weekend was already paid so he doesn’t see what one has to do with the other.

I can see his point to a degree but I also think if you’re having to ask your mum for money every few weeks then maybe you shouldn’t be booking weekends away and concerts. I said something along those lines and he got quite defensive and said he wasn’t going to spend his whole life sitting in the flat because he couldn’t afford to do anything.

I do get that as well. I’m not saying they shouldn’t have a life but I don’t understand how I’m supposed to keep finding money when things go wrong.

I’m 56 and work 30 hours a week. I’m not badly off but I’m certainly not rolling in it. I’ve still got a mortgage and my car is getting on a bit now. I’ve been putting off getting a few things done around the house because I don’t want to spend the money, and then I feel a bit daft when I realise I’ve sent him a few hundred quid again.

I have a daughter who’s 24 and she manages her own money. She rents with a friend and works as a teaching assistant. She doesn’t earn loads either but she budgets and if she can’t afford something she just doesn’t have it. She’s never really asked me for money apart from the odd tenner when she was younger.

I don’t want to compare them because their circumstances are different and I know my son has had a harder time getting himself sorted. He left school at 16 and has never really found a job that pays particularly well, although he has always worked. He’s not sitting about doing nothing and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m saying he is.

But I do sometimes wonder if I’ve made it too easy for him to come to me whenever he’s short. If I keep helping then he never really has to work out how to manage when something unexpected happens. On the other hand, things are genuinely expensive and I don’t want him getting into debt or losing his job because I’ve decided to make a point.

When I said I couldn’t just give him £600 without talking about how he was going to manage things going forward, he said he couldn’t believe I was treating him like a stranger. He said I’ve always helped him before and now I’m making him feel like he can’t come to his own mum when he’s in trouble.

That upset me more than I expected. I told him I wasn’t saying I’d never help him again, but I can’t keep handing over money without knowing whether it’s actually a loan or whether I’m just giving it to him. He said he didn’t realise I was keeping score and that he’d sort it out himself and wouldn’t ask me for anything again.

I haven’t sent him the money but now I’m feeling guilty. I don’t want him thinking he can’t come to me, but I’m also starting to resent being asked and I don’t like feeling that way about my own child.

My mum thinks I’m being daft and should stop giving him anything. She’s 79 and has always been very strict about money. She thinks if he’s old enough to live with his girlfriend he’s old enough to pay his own bills. My daughter has said something similar but was more tactful about it.

I don’t know if I’m being unfair because I can afford to help sometimes, just not all the time, or if I’m actually making things worse by doing it.

Would you give him the £600 for the car and then make it clear that you can’t keep doing this, or would you stop now? And if you did stop, how would you explain it without making your child feel like you’ve abandoned them?

Just tell him you need the money for your own car and don’t have any extra spare. If you give in now you’ll give in next time.

Tell him you are now ‘spending your whole living sitting in’ because your spare cash is paying for his car whilst he spends his money on concerts and holidays. What a selfish attitude, I would be so ashamed and cross with him.

Nope. He needs to learn the hard way that you are not going to keep bailing him out. His /their budgets needs to incorporate having a savings budget for these unexpected yet necessary expenses. No savings means not spending on weekends away and concerts, it means that spare money should be saved. There are necessary bills (water, rent, electric etc) and then there are nice to have expenses (holidays, days out, expensive hobbies etc) but only if you can afford them. He’s old enough that he really ought to have realised that himself by now. He also should have realised and kept track himself that borrowed money needs to be paid back.
One day you will not be around to bail him out.

He's 29.
You tell him you can't afford to keep giving him money. You are in your 50's, still have a mortgage to pay and your retirement to plan for.
Unfortunately, it sounds like he feels entitled to your money and help and isn't even grateful for it.
If you don't put a stop to it now, you'll always be sending him money.
Him and his gf can figure out the £600 car bill between them.

Are you giving your daughter equal amounts? If so I think it’s the unfairness that is the real problem.

He can stop with the guilt tripping for a start!

I'd have said to him, 'That's very rude. I've always done my best to help you out, and you've actually had quite a bit of money from me which I haven't pushed you to repay. However, you are almost 30 and both you and your gf work. I'm on my own (I assume you are?) and having to budget very carefully to cover my own mortgage and bills. I don't really have spare money. I'm not 'treating you like a stranger' which is a silly thing to say. Of course you can always turn to me in trouble, but you need to understand that I'm not always able to bail you out with money because I don't have it.'

I would not give him it this time. He can look into an overdraft, frankly. Or take a loan. He needs to start standing on his own two feet and you can't afford to keep giving money away.

just don’t give it. He will have to sort himself out and he will. Don’t cave.

It's easy to fall into this trap. But in the end you have to say no I'm sorry I can't help you out this time. But you coukd say I'll lend you the money ( if you have it) but it needs to be paid back. And specify how much per month.

If he’s living with his girlfriend, they have two incomes and honestly, I don’t think you need to feel guilty at all. If he was asking for money as a one off in an emergency, fair enough, but it sounds as though you’re subsidising their life and that’s not fair.

I think next time, it’s just a case of ‘sorry son but I’m running a bit short myself at the moment’. He’ll get the message eventually.

They're blowing money going out and you're the default for the things that should be a priority.
Besides they have two wages coming in
Yes life is expensive they'll have to learn how to cut their cloth.

I think you have been very kind to him. I would say you have given loans and gifts of money in the past but now can’t afford any more as you have car repairs needing done too. You have nothing to feel guilty about and he shouldn’t be so rude to you. No way would I give him the £600

When it starts, it does not stop. More especially if an adult child still carries on living beyond his means, weekend away being an example. He had the money in his budget to pay for that, he will have the money clearly to start building an emergency fund. Tough love OP. You will be building him to stand on his own when he has his own family.

Honestly OP, if you don’t stop this now he’s going to keep looking for money - and the worst part is, he’s not even grateful for it, he feels entitled to it.

Tell him you need to save for your retirement, and no longer have spare cash to give.

Both of them should be saving to have a rainy day fund, so that when their car breaks down they can pay for it themselves. Them booking a weekend away and a concert tells you that they do have spare money, but choose not to save any of it, presumably because they expect you to just bail them out.

Unfortunately, he will probably resent you for putting in boundaries, as you’ve been too generous for too long, so he’s come to expect it. Which is why he’d rather guilt trip you than acknowledge his own problems.

You shouldn’t feel guilty. He is an adult and old enough to manage to a budget. Sadly it sounds like he has seen you as a soft touch “just ask mum” to plug the gaps in their budget when something goes wrong.

Unfortunately by you always giving him the cash he hasn’t had to learn that he should budget for the unexpected and emergencies it’s ok because mum will sort it. As a result they have bought concert tickets / booked a weekend away which in reality they can’t afford. Your daughter is demonstrating that working to a budget can be done and unless you are helping her out to the same degree it isn’t fair on her and whether it’s now or later that will cause resentment.

it’s time you DS and his girlfriend realised that they can’t keep asking you to plug gaps in their budget. If it were me I would be saying an absolute no. Look at it this way by enabling him you are putting off your own essential repairs etc. so he can go on a weekend away and go to a concert. Does that seem fair ? Time for some tough love for your DS and his girlfriend.

He is using you as a cash cow!

Hopefully he’ll go and moan to your mum or you daughter who will put him straight!

I probably wouldn't have added that you would need to talk about how he was going to manage things going forward, would just have said I didn't have it spare (which you don't, you have many things you could be doing with £600). It's a lot of money just to expect to be handed over. I have every bit of sympathy for young people but you don't sound like you are in a financial position to be handing out money left, right and centre with a mortgage still needing paid. You don't even know how long you will want to work, saving for your retirement won't happen if you are handing out all this money to your son. Don't feel guilty , this conversation is long overdue.

I'm with your mum. If he can afford luxuries like weekends away and concert tickets he can pay for his own bills.
He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and not keep running to you for handouts.

His attitude stinks and for that reason alone I would stop giving him money.

This is very good advice x

He’s rude and cheeky and doesn’t appreciate you. Just expects you to be a cash cow

so you say no. Esp if can’t afford it

do you treat your daughter the same ?
prob not a she is good with money as knows she has to be

I wouldn't give it. I'd say I have things that need to be done too. That they are 2 incomes and young. You need to prepare for retirement and lower income.

Then watch to see if HE is a stranger

You’ve been kind and generous, but time to stop. He will try to emotionally manipulate you, but don’t back down. Tell him to get a bank loan if he needs the money, or do overtime. Say you’ve lent him nearly £3000 and have no more savings, and he paid back previous loans.

There’s a difference between sitting we sty night and going away for weekends to concerts. He can always sell
the tickets.
He could get a second job ?
You’re not a bottomless pit.

omfg he sounds entitled.

He’s got you over a barrel with this as he will lose his income stream and you’ll feel like you are being unreasonable. It’s his problem tho and that’s why the concert money should have gone on savings. The guy is an idiot with money.

He's taking the piss!