I’ve been helping my son out financially but I think I’ve made things worse

[Tentenet]

My son is 29 and I’ve always helped him when he’s been stuck but lately its getting to the point where I’m worrying about money myself and I don’t know how to handle it without causing a massive falling out.

He’s working full time as a delivery driver and lives with his girlfriend in a rented flat. They’ve been together about 3 years. Neither of them earn a fortune but they’re not out of work and I know they’re struggling with the cost of everything like everyone else.

Over the last year I’ve probably given him about £2700. It started off with things like his car needing repairs and him being short for rent one month when his wages were messed up. I didn’t mind helping, he’s my son and I had the money at the time. Some of it was meant to be paid back and some I just gave him but if I’m honest I’ve lost track of which was which now.

He’s asked me for another £600 because there’s something wrong with his car and he says he can’t keep getting to work without sorting it. I do understand that, he needs his car for his job and if he can’t work he’s going to be in an even worse position.

The thing is I found out last week that him and his girlfriend had booked a weekend away and bought concert tickets. I wasn’t snooping, he was telling me about it and it came up in conversation. Apparently they’d booked it before the car problem and the money for the weekend was already paid so he doesn’t see what one has to do with the other.

I can see his point to a degree but I also think if you’re having to ask your mum for money every few weeks then maybe you shouldn’t be booking weekends away and concerts. I said something along those lines and he got quite defensive and said he wasn’t going to spend his whole life sitting in the flat because he couldn’t afford to do anything.

I do get that as well. I’m not saying they shouldn’t have a life but I don’t understand how I’m supposed to keep finding money when things go wrong.

I’m 56 and work 30 hours a week. I’m not badly off but I’m certainly not rolling in it. I’ve still got a mortgage and my car is getting on a bit now. I’ve been putting off getting a few things done around the house because I don’t want to spend the money, and then I feel a bit daft when I realise I’ve sent him a few hundred quid again.

I have a daughter who’s 24 and she manages her own money. She rents with a friend and works as a teaching assistant. She doesn’t earn loads either but she budgets and if she can’t afford something she just doesn’t have it. She’s never really asked me for money apart from the odd tenner when she was younger.

I don’t want to compare them because their circumstances are different and I know my son has had a harder time getting himself sorted. He left school at 16 and has never really found a job that pays particularly well, although he has always worked. He’s not sitting about doing nothing and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m saying he is.

But I do sometimes wonder if I’ve made it too easy for him to come to me whenever he’s short. If I keep helping then he never really has to work out how to manage when something unexpected happens. On the other hand, things are genuinely expensive and I don’t want him getting into debt or losing his job because I’ve decided to make a point.

When I said I couldn’t just give him £600 without talking about how he was going to manage things going forward, he said he couldn’t believe I was treating him like a stranger. He said I’ve always helped him before and now I’m making him feel like he can’t come to his own mum when he’s in trouble.

That upset me more than I expected. I told him I wasn’t saying I’d never help him again, but I can’t keep handing over money without knowing whether it’s actually a loan or whether I’m just giving it to him. He said he didn’t realise I was keeping score and that he’d sort it out himself and wouldn’t ask me for anything again.

I haven’t sent him the money but now I’m feeling guilty. I don’t want him thinking he can’t come to me, but I’m also starting to resent being asked and I don’t like feeling that way about my own child.

My mum thinks I’m being daft and should stop giving him anything. She’s 79 and has always been very strict about money. She thinks if he’s old enough to live with his girlfriend he’s old enough to pay his own bills. My daughter has said something similar but was more tactful about it.

I don’t know if I’m being unfair because I can afford to help sometimes, just not all the time, or if I’m actually making things worse by doing it.

Would you give him the £600 for the car and then make it clear that you can’t keep doing this, or would you stop now? And if you did stop, how would you explain it without making your child feel like you’ve abandoned them?

My sibling and his partner were exactly the same with money. A parent repeatedly helped them out when they were short of money. They were both smoking and had expensive hobbies. They walked out of jobs with no plans and never saved for a rainy day. Eventually the parent died (just before his own retirement) leaving them enough money to buy a house and have thousands left over. Fast forward about ten years and they'd spent all the money, remortgaged the house several times and had to sell up. They bought a horse but had to move into a council house in a very rough area.

Teach your son now.

Are the girlfriend's parents giving them money too? I don't see why it's always you being asked, if not.
He's got the arse regarding you asking about his spending and needing to justify the concert tickets - but if he wants to be a grown up who doesn't have to explain his choices to mum, then he needs to be properly financially independent and not keep asking you for top ups!

He just expects you to give him money now and has got to the point where it doesn't occur to him to keep track of it or repay it! If my kid said I was treating them like a stranger, I'd ask when was the last time a stranger gave you 3 grand? Really he should have kept track and made efforts to repay you.

I do think it needs pointing out to him that you have expenses and things you aren't paying for because you are using your money to bail him out. I like what a pp said about why should you be sitting at home because he's spent your money!

They need to pay into a contingency fund rather than concerts and weekends away , the fact the car broke down after they booked is irrelevant- why are you paying for unnecessary fun things when you have £0 towards anything going wrong. Your son is not a child he is rapidly approaching middle age , you can't be expecting your Mum to bail you out every time something goes wrong. Even if you were wealthy you shouldn't be financing his life- it's his life , you have no say so why should you pay for it?

Her daughter may not want to take money from her not particularly well off mum. She's managing her own finances, and good on her.

I have had a similar problem with one of my sons ,he is a wonderful,gentle soul who has all the red flags for ADHD and is absolutely rubbish with budgeting and is generally very chaotic with decision making,organisation etc.
He is always very grateful when I have bailed him out but we have now had the discussion about enablement,he was very tearful but agreed that it has to stop.
He has now really thrown everything at sorting himself out financially and so far so good 🙏

Tell him that it's time for him to rely on his own finances and to build and plan for his future accordingly. Tell him you've been happy to help in the past, but you cannot do so any more. Then give him a big hug and tell him you have every confidence in him. Then go on holiday.

Absolutely selfish.
dont feel guilty.
you should feel mad!
tell him he needs to forgo holidays and concerts and start saving and get a better job.
ungrateful shit.
tell him you’re not living your life because the money is stilll going to him.

i think he’s manipulating you deliberately by his responses. Designed to make you feel guilt and shame.

your mother? Who birthed you? Who continues to take care of you aged 29?

fuck that id be absolutely fuming and ashamed of him for saying that.

I would tell him that the concert tickets and weekend away has made you question his priorities and you don’t have a never ending supply of spare cash. I have helped my son out a few times but I’m not in a position to keep doing it and he understands and accepts that.

I wouldn't be giving him the money - he is an adult and needs to stand on his own feet. He needs to learn to save a bit as for those rainy days when his car needs work.

I think he's doing a bit of emotional manipulation with you to get you to give him the money.

Say no and stay firm on it - how he behaves will let you know how he views you and what you mean to him.

Adult children who rely on the bank of mum or dad always know the buttons to press like my car needs fixing and I can’t work if I don’t have a working vehicle. It’s his responsibility to save up for emergencies and as his mum you need to stop enabling him to rely on you. It sounds harsh but he is no longer a child and expecting you to shell out breeds resentment and entitlement.
You are giving him money because you feel he will no longer need you in his life and he is playing on your fears by saying you are treating him like a stranger. Once you say no and keep firm he likely will throw his toys out of the pram but that’s because you’re infantilising him and once he gets his finances under control you will have chance to have a relationship with him that isn’t co dependent.

Disgraceful, entitled behaviour by the son. I would be ashamed of him. Yes, the cost of living makes things difficult for young people, but it’s basic common sense to establish an emergency fund for things like car repairs BEFORE you spend on concerts and weekends away. Actually telling his mother that she is treating him like a “stranger” to manipulate her into coughing up funds yet again. As a previous PP said, he is an embarrassment, not even because he can’t manage his money, but because of his attitude, which is absolutely disgusting.

Time to stop bailing him out or he will still be borrowing from you when you are living on a pension. Had a sister who was bailed out by my mother and didn't stop using mother as a bank until the day she died. Just tell your son you have things to spend your own 💰 on.

@Tentenet does his partner work full time? Unfortunately, leaving school at 16 and not having much qualifications for job progression and increase in salary?

Please don’t feel guilty, I would do anything to help my DC and am going without a lot to make sure they don’t. I am very embarrassed that we had to borrow £500 off my own Dad to pay a solicitor bill (ironically chasing bad debts owed to us) and I will make sure that’s paid back. We would never ever dream of asking if we were doing weekends away or concerts, that’s just cheeky!

This. You’re going to end up falling out with both of them, your poor daughter has already tried to say something. She must be feeling awful!

My brother supported a family of four doing Uber eats for a year when he lost his job. He got up,at the crack of dawn and waited in Macdonalds carpark for the breakfast orders because the closer you are the better. Then he went to a greggs on an industrial estate mid morning. On Fridays he loitered around a fish and chips shop. That sort of thing.

I think unfortunately you have set up an expectation which he is reacting to. If you could afford it without financial stress, I would give the money with a clear statement that this is the last time. However if it would cause any difficulties, I would not and explain why. And calmly push back if he tries to make you feel bad.

Your mum is right. Although you are being unfair, very unfair - towards your daughter! If you give £600 to your son, you should give it to your daughter too.
You have had the hard conversation and he has accepted he is not getting the money. I’d leave it at that. He needs to learn not to assume he can use you in this way. Going forward, IF you give him money (I wouldn’t), you should budget to give your daughter same amount. So if you can only afford the £600, it’s £300 each and he can find the rest himself. I think if you start treating your children fairly, it will put a natural limit on your willingness to be guilted into subsidising him.

Your daughter who is a teaching assistant will be earning way lower than your son and he has combined income. Him and his girlfriend need to sit down and work out a budget, if there are two full time salaries they should be managing to get by. He’ll have to take out a credit card - not ideal but it’s what we had to do when we were younger. Tell him you don’t have £600 to give him right now and let him figure out a way to pay it - sell some stuff online or get a credit card.

Just tell him you can’t really afford it unless it’s a loan with clear instructions on repayment, he’s never going to learn how to budget if you keep bailing him out. He had a bit spare so booked a concert and weekend away, he should have saved that for the next rainy day. Don’t feel guilty.

It’s very simple. You can’t afford it and your own car is going to need replacing soon. I wouldn’t offer to lend as it insinuates that you have spare money and he hasn’t paid back previous loans. You aren’t going to be able to work forever and it doesn’t sound as though he will be in a position to help you in retirement. He is young and has time and energy to make more money and improve his employment options. Now is the time for him to make those steps and it will be good parenting for you to make him take a look at that sooner rather than later when they have a child and it gets harder.

My son pranged his car (23, on minimum wage), and they decoded to handle it between them. £500. He didn’t have it. I paid it but he’s paying me back £100/month.
Your son should be able to pay his own bills. If he is so on the line every month he needs to get a cheaper rental, and prioritise bills rather than weekends away.
I’d be inclined to give him half and say the human ATM is now permanently shut.

Teaching assistant wage is shockingly poor. Your son will be earning more. He needs to prioritise. I wouldnt be sending him the money

If you can’t afford it stop, as simple as that. I would however caution about not treating siblings equally - my MIL has three kids, the youngest she bankrolls for everything big and small, the other has been given lots but not quite as much as the youngest. My DH doesn’t get so much as a birthday card and it’s ruined not only his relationship with his mother but with his siblings too. He apparently doesn’t need any help as he earns more than his siblings, but kids however old will always be watching that they get the same number of sweets - that doesn’t change as they get older, be careful not to spoil your relationship with your DD is my advice!

Agree, and it’s also breeding resentment with your daughter, as always the good one the sensible one is left out.