I’ve been helping my son out financially but I think I’ve made things worse

[Tentenet]

My son is 29 and I’ve always helped him when he’s been stuck but lately its getting to the point where I’m worrying about money myself and I don’t know how to handle it without causing a massive falling out.

He’s working full time as a delivery driver and lives with his girlfriend in a rented flat. They’ve been together about 3 years. Neither of them earn a fortune but they’re not out of work and I know they’re struggling with the cost of everything like everyone else.

Over the last year I’ve probably given him about £2700. It started off with things like his car needing repairs and him being short for rent one month when his wages were messed up. I didn’t mind helping, he’s my son and I had the money at the time. Some of it was meant to be paid back and some I just gave him but if I’m honest I’ve lost track of which was which now.

He’s asked me for another £600 because there’s something wrong with his car and he says he can’t keep getting to work without sorting it. I do understand that, he needs his car for his job and if he can’t work he’s going to be in an even worse position.

The thing is I found out last week that him and his girlfriend had booked a weekend away and bought concert tickets. I wasn’t snooping, he was telling me about it and it came up in conversation. Apparently they’d booked it before the car problem and the money for the weekend was already paid so he doesn’t see what one has to do with the other.

I can see his point to a degree but I also think if you’re having to ask your mum for money every few weeks then maybe you shouldn’t be booking weekends away and concerts. I said something along those lines and he got quite defensive and said he wasn’t going to spend his whole life sitting in the flat because he couldn’t afford to do anything.

I do get that as well. I’m not saying they shouldn’t have a life but I don’t understand how I’m supposed to keep finding money when things go wrong.

I’m 56 and work 30 hours a week. I’m not badly off but I’m certainly not rolling in it. I’ve still got a mortgage and my car is getting on a bit now. I’ve been putting off getting a few things done around the house because I don’t want to spend the money, and then I feel a bit daft when I realise I’ve sent him a few hundred quid again.

I have a daughter who’s 24 and she manages her own money. She rents with a friend and works as a teaching assistant. She doesn’t earn loads either but she budgets and if she can’t afford something she just doesn’t have it. She’s never really asked me for money apart from the odd tenner when she was younger.

I don’t want to compare them because their circumstances are different and I know my son has had a harder time getting himself sorted. He left school at 16 and has never really found a job that pays particularly well, although he has always worked. He’s not sitting about doing nothing and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m saying he is.

But I do sometimes wonder if I’ve made it too easy for him to come to me whenever he’s short. If I keep helping then he never really has to work out how to manage when something unexpected happens. On the other hand, things are genuinely expensive and I don’t want him getting into debt or losing his job because I’ve decided to make a point.

When I said I couldn’t just give him £600 without talking about how he was going to manage things going forward, he said he couldn’t believe I was treating him like a stranger. He said I’ve always helped him before and now I’m making him feel like he can’t come to his own mum when he’s in trouble.

That upset me more than I expected. I told him I wasn’t saying I’d never help him again, but I can’t keep handing over money without knowing whether it’s actually a loan or whether I’m just giving it to him. He said he didn’t realise I was keeping score and that he’d sort it out himself and wouldn’t ask me for anything again.

I haven’t sent him the money but now I’m feeling guilty. I don’t want him thinking he can’t come to me, but I’m also starting to resent being asked and I don’t like feeling that way about my own child.

My mum thinks I’m being daft and should stop giving him anything. She’s 79 and has always been very strict about money. She thinks if he’s old enough to live with his girlfriend he’s old enough to pay his own bills. My daughter has said something similar but was more tactful about it.

I don’t know if I’m being unfair because I can afford to help sometimes, just not all the time, or if I’m actually making things worse by doing it.

Would you give him the £600 for the car and then make it clear that you can’t keep doing this, or would you stop now? And if you did stop, how would you explain it without making your child feel like you’ve abandoned them?

I am afraid he has got used to coming to you for money. You will be a human ATM unless you change tack.

I would pay the garage directly. Not via your son. If you help him with rent pay his landlord directly. Not via your son. If he has problems with his energy bill, pay the energy company. Not via your son.

My DH once queued up during a break from work to get my brother a cheque for £300. Urgent apparently. Next thing I see he is away on a ‘weekender’. Never been paid back. I find it hard to believe he has forgotten.

Any money you give is given. It is not a loan. So long as you realise that.

Some people will be in difficulties financially. But you need some transparency, some idea of how things are and what they are trying to do to get things better.
If the idea is ‘ask mum’, and that is it that is insufficient.

Stop enabling him to be a child. He only spends money because he knows mummy will bail him out. Give him the £600 but be very very clear it is the last and you expect it back along with the other money. Tell him you will give him until June to get some savings behind him for emergencies then you expect him to set up a DD to repay the amount he owes you and that you expect £50 a month.

He has got the message, he stroppily told you "He said he didn’t realise I was keeping score and that he’d sort it out himself and wouldn’t ask me for anything again."

So that's it, just leave it. Don't run after him being a people pleaser.

Maybe save a little each month and when it gets to £2700, give it to your daughter to treat herself in the safe way as your son has been.

If he has the brass neck to bring it up again or ask for more money I would simply tell him that you have decided to gift him the money you previously loaned him so he doesn't have to pay it back (not that the cheeky sod would have done), but that you can't afford any more.

Sorry, OP but your son is a cheeky fucker.

You haven’t abandoned him and if he thinks that hes wrong

you don’t have a deep pit of money you can call on, what you have you have saved and as you say not spent on your own place.

i get it’s tight at the moment for him, but there are two adults working and earning, there is just one of you

He needs to understand budgeting, saving for things, he knows his car is older and will likely need repairs, he should be putting money aside each month to build up a pot to cover. He needs to look at all costs and decide what’s needed and what’s nice to have, if they have covered everything else

you can’t afford to help him this time, if that means they need to cancel or cut back on the weekend away then that’s what needs to happen. He can’t continue to expect you to be his back up

So your son and his partner are in a two income household but keep turning to you - working only 30 hours a week - to bail them out? No, just no. You aren't 'abandoning' your son, he's almost 30! He's never going to learn how to budget - which your daughter clearly has - if you continue to give him money. It doesn't sound like he's even offered to pay you back your £2700, even in installments, but he can afford a weekend away. Come on! In addition, he sounds emotionally manipulative and is taking you for granted. Just tell him that that with the cost of living etc you simply don't have any spare cash. Then keep the money for the future repairs that your car is going to need and for your retirement fund.

Tell him that he and his girlfriend need to pick up extra shifts or get another job because you can’t afford to give him a by more money.

On this subject, when is he going to pay back the money he “borrowed” from you so far?

He can’t have a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget so he need to either quit the champagne or earn more.

I think you have been too soft and created this beast. He won’t stand on his own two feet whilst you bail him out so now you need to say no more and mean it.

Your son is never going to stand on his own two feet, if you keep bailing him out. He's bought concert tickets/booked a weekend away, because he knows he has you as a backup. He can spend his money on the things he wants, whilst he spends yours on the things he needs or are essentials!

Your son wants to live the life of someone earning a higher salary, but he's using your money to do it. Your Mum is right, and so is your daughter. Your daughter doesn't earn a high salary, yet she's learnt to budget her money.

If you don't stop bailing your son out, you'll be doing so forever more. My husband has a friend who's now 53, and still relies on his Mum to bail him out. He has no idea how to budget, or save, because he's never had to do it! His Mum isn't rich by any standard, but if the car goes wrong or the washing machine breaks down, good old Mum comes to the rescue! Yet he can afford numerous takeaways a week, a huge Sky package, new fancy TV's, latest iPhone on an expensive package! Of course he can, because he has the bank of Mum, backing him up! If you're not careful, this will be you!

Your daughter should be getting the same amount.

I think I would give him the £600 because he needs it for working. You’ve already set the groundwork for saying no more, Make it clear.

"Would you give him the £600 for the car and then make it clear that you can’t keep doing this, or would you stop now? And if you did stop, how would you explain it without making your child feel like you’ve abandoned them?"

He has no incentive to better himself as up to now he's known he can rely on you to bail him out. He should be looking for a better-paid job, an evening job, or extra hours in his current job.

I wouldn't give him the £600 unless he asks again. If he asked nicely, I'd give it to him, no strings attached, but make it clear that it's the last time. You have your own extra expenses, and you have to think of your retirement.

I also think it's a bit unfair to keep propping him up financially while your daughter gets rewarded for her good financial management by...nothing. You might find some resentment building in her if you continue propping him up.

Bottom line OP, he needs to grow up. Old enough to work, live in a rented place with his GF, go away on holidays? Old enough to learn good financial management. It's called being an adult, and I'd tell him that. Tough love!

I am afraid I would brace yourself for future requests to occur.

And yes, your daughter will probably at some point be aware that mum is giving thousands to brother. And she nothing. Not because there might not have been times when she needed it, but she found a way.
If it continues over a long time this will not be good. She will understand up to a point. But cross that point and no, she won’t.

Yes of course you have and how low of him to guilt trip you when you’ve said no for once, I completely agree with your mum

If you give him the £600 pay the garage directly. Ask for a receipt and for the details of what is being done.

^ THIS ^

It will get worse once he has children.

You have said no, now stick to your guns. He will get over it and if he doesn't that's his problem.

You can still give money in future but on your terms as a gift and evenly between your 2 children.
Hope they don't have children until they are more responsible or they will use the baby to emotionally blackmail you.

You're being massively unfair to your daughter by giving all this money to your son. If I were her I would feel very hurt and resentful.

No. You are kind, but you’ve taught him no lessons about supporting himself,
and now he emotionally abusing you into giving it to him.
Don’t discuss any finances. Answer is no, nothing available.

He needs to learn about emergency funds and money management in general.

"he’d sort it out himself and wouldn’t ask me for anything again."

Well great. That is the healthy thing to do as an adult unless there's genuine hardship. I'd not bring it up again. He needs to stop seeing you as an ATM.

Christ on a bike, he's 29!

Trying to guilt trip you into giving him yet more money shows you exactly how entitled he is. Instead of putting money aside for car repairs etc he has chosen to spend his spare cash on weekends away and concert tickets.

Just stop, you don't owe him an explanation. If you suddenly incur unexpected expenses, I very much doubt he would offer to support you the way you have supported him.

You're not helping him to learn to manage his money and stand on his own two feet if you keep bailing him out.

Stop now.

Are you sure he actually does need his car fixing amongst the other emergencies that are occurring?

Do her parents ever help them financially

Listen to your mum. My parents were the same with my brother. He was always terrible with money and it would be them bailing him out all the time. They cleared off a credit card in the thousands and he was always short until pay day. He'd go to mum's work and plead so she'd give in every time. Soon, that few quid here, £50 quid there turned into hundreds. Then one day he snapped, said she was awful, she babied him and now he is bad with money because of her, and cut us all off. Unsurprisingly, he's not been evicted. He just used them as an additional cash cow when it suited him. Over 10 years later he still hasn't spoken to us. I'm the youngest and didn't get half of what he had (not that I expected it) and I turned out more than OK. Learn by my parents' mistakes.