I’ve been helping my son out financially but I think I’ve made things worse

[Tentenet]

My son is 29 and I’ve always helped him when he’s been stuck but lately its getting to the point where I’m worrying about money myself and I don’t know how to handle it without causing a massive falling out.

He’s working full time as a delivery driver and lives with his girlfriend in a rented flat. They’ve been together about 3 years. Neither of them earn a fortune but they’re not out of work and I know they’re struggling with the cost of everything like everyone else.

Over the last year I’ve probably given him about £2700. It started off with things like his car needing repairs and him being short for rent one month when his wages were messed up. I didn’t mind helping, he’s my son and I had the money at the time. Some of it was meant to be paid back and some I just gave him but if I’m honest I’ve lost track of which was which now.

He’s asked me for another £600 because there’s something wrong with his car and he says he can’t keep getting to work without sorting it. I do understand that, he needs his car for his job and if he can’t work he’s going to be in an even worse position.

The thing is I found out last week that him and his girlfriend had booked a weekend away and bought concert tickets. I wasn’t snooping, he was telling me about it and it came up in conversation. Apparently they’d booked it before the car problem and the money for the weekend was already paid so he doesn’t see what one has to do with the other.

I can see his point to a degree but I also think if you’re having to ask your mum for money every few weeks then maybe you shouldn’t be booking weekends away and concerts. I said something along those lines and he got quite defensive and said he wasn’t going to spend his whole life sitting in the flat because he couldn’t afford to do anything.

I do get that as well. I’m not saying they shouldn’t have a life but I don’t understand how I’m supposed to keep finding money when things go wrong.

I’m 56 and work 30 hours a week. I’m not badly off but I’m certainly not rolling in it. I’ve still got a mortgage and my car is getting on a bit now. I’ve been putting off getting a few things done around the house because I don’t want to spend the money, and then I feel a bit daft when I realise I’ve sent him a few hundred quid again.

I have a daughter who’s 24 and she manages her own money. She rents with a friend and works as a teaching assistant. She doesn’t earn loads either but she budgets and if she can’t afford something she just doesn’t have it. She’s never really asked me for money apart from the odd tenner when she was younger.

I don’t want to compare them because their circumstances are different and I know my son has had a harder time getting himself sorted. He left school at 16 and has never really found a job that pays particularly well, although he has always worked. He’s not sitting about doing nothing and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m saying he is.

But I do sometimes wonder if I’ve made it too easy for him to come to me whenever he’s short. If I keep helping then he never really has to work out how to manage when something unexpected happens. On the other hand, things are genuinely expensive and I don’t want him getting into debt or losing his job because I’ve decided to make a point.

When I said I couldn’t just give him £600 without talking about how he was going to manage things going forward, he said he couldn’t believe I was treating him like a stranger. He said I’ve always helped him before and now I’m making him feel like he can’t come to his own mum when he’s in trouble.

That upset me more than I expected. I told him I wasn’t saying I’d never help him again, but I can’t keep handing over money without knowing whether it’s actually a loan or whether I’m just giving it to him. He said he didn’t realise I was keeping score and that he’d sort it out himself and wouldn’t ask me for anything again.

I haven’t sent him the money but now I’m feeling guilty. I don’t want him thinking he can’t come to me, but I’m also starting to resent being asked and I don’t like feeling that way about my own child.

My mum thinks I’m being daft and should stop giving him anything. She’s 79 and has always been very strict about money. She thinks if he’s old enough to live with his girlfriend he’s old enough to pay his own bills. My daughter has said something similar but was more tactful about it.

I don’t know if I’m being unfair because I can afford to help sometimes, just not all the time, or if I’m actually making things worse by doing it.

Would you give him the £600 for the car and then make it clear that you can’t keep doing this, or would you stop now? And if you did stop, how would you explain it without making your child feel like you’ve abandoned them?

Don't give him any more money. You explain that you can't afford to, you don't want to baby him by suggesting he can't afford to manage his own finances and money doesn't equal love. If he wants to ask you for financial advice then suggest a small savings account so he has money available for unexpected expenses.

You are going to need that £600 yourself when your own old car needs work.
If not, for your retirement fund. Can you see you son subbing you in your retirement if you are short? I can't.

There is a saying ‘put on your own oxygen mask first’. Stop lending/giving him your money…you have your own life/future to take care of.

By bailing him out you’ve not done him any favours…he/they need to learn to budget for themselves.

Point him (indeed, have a look yourself) at Dave Ramsey and Rebel Finance School.

Sometimes being an adult means sitting at home because you have to save for emergencies. If he doesn’t have an emergency fund for things like car repairs, he can’t afford concert tickets, even locally.

If he is bored, that is his own fault. There are plenty of cheap hobbies in the world. He could start by taking a trip to the local library.

You will only perpetuate the problem of you keep giving him money. He needs to learn to live with the consequences of his choices.

Make it very simple.

Just say I do not have £600 to give you, I cannot afford £600. I gave you £2700 over the last year and it has left me short,

HIs behaviour to you was outrageous - how dare he have a go at you like that?

And aside from not giving away money you really do need, he needs to budget better. At his age he could get extra work shifts in a pub or something to boost his delivery income.

What's his plan? Is he one of those delivery drivers that use their own car and throw the packages out of the window?

This is very true.

I remember my brother got his car insurance/servicing/repairs paid for, plus phone contract, from 18 until way into his 20s. I never expected or asked for any financial help and stood on my own two feet. I now realise how unfair it was, given our similar circumstances - it was just expectation/entitlement.

It turned out he was pretty tight and had significant savings while happily taking my mum’s money which she could little afford.

I agree that it is time to stop giving/loaning money regularly, on demand, but I am more sympathetic to your son's position than PPs. I think your more balanced take on the situation is a fair one.
We are living in tough times and it is especially tough for younger generations. It is only natural to want to help your children but maybe now is the time to change how you do it. Could you put an amount aside every month that you are comfortable with, then at Christmas split it and give half each to each of your children for their rainy day funds / to help them out with whatever they need. In a genuine emergency, you could dip into the pot to give your son his share early but be clear that this is his Christmas present coming early and it is a limited pot based on what you can afford to gift.

i wouldn't have given that much in the first place. However hindsight is a marvellous thing I know. Turn the cash tap off right now.

Your adult son has completely screwed up and betrayed himself by his behaviour and that defensive, entitled, reply to your perfectly reasonable comment Op!

The “keeping score” comment was below the belt and designed to make you feel guilty.

Only people who expect to be given significant funds for free would expect someone to be so casual about money that they wouldn’t keep score fhs!

Let this be your warning op. You are indeed not doing yourself, or your son, any favours by indulging him like this. It’s also unfair on his sister as you should treat your dc fairly.

I understand that things are hard for young adults currently but your son is nearly thirty and he made a free choice to pay for a concert and a weekend away instead of saving up for car repairs.

Also, if you yourself are now going short Op, this is helping no one. You need your savings for when you be older. Being much younger, your son has many more years in which he can earn.

Listen to your mum

Tell da you just don't have the extra money to give him - every single time. If you do have spare put it in a private pension or something for your own retirement

Tell him you were hoping he could repay earlier loans as you need the money for work on your own car .

His behaviour is manipulative and the way he spoke to you was rude.
You need to explain to him that you cannot afford to keep bailing him out. You have done so several times and it has meant you have gone without and not done things you wanted to.
There is a difference between staying in his flat, going to lical live music gogs and paying for weekends away and concert tickets when you borrowed/accepted money from your mother. He is 29. He is responsible for his own bills and budgeting. You need to built up your own emergency fund, savings etc.
I'd also chat with your daughter to make sure she isn't feeling neglected or resentful because giving him thousands cos he guilt trips you on his 2 person household income while he manages house sharing on one income doesn't sound very fair.
The way your son spoke to you and treated you was not acceptable and I think you should address that with him.

So you helped him when his wages were wrong, if he didn’t pay that money back where did the excess go?

If he was much younger and just moved out I would be more sympathetic, not to sound old, but I was a parent and I’d been financially independent for 12 years at his age, but unlike him I didn’t have the luxury of a second wage coming in or the bank of mum.

He’ll be grumpy for a while, but he’ll get over it.

Im surprised your dd isnt resentful. Her brother taking money from you, you have made excuses for him yet she is doing it ll herself.

Wise up op and stop giving him money.

Sorry but that is such a self absorbed response from your son. He intentionally made you feel
guilty so would give him money!! Don’t give him anymore and explain that you are close to retiring and can’t keep this up. Better having a conversation surrounding that you absolutely will help where you can but you will expect it to be paid back. It also cannot be expected that you will always help

Has he ever made any attempt to repay any money to you? He sounds like a spoiled brat. Tell him it’s his girlfriend’s turn to borrow money from parents.

He's being a leech...
He can sell the concert tickets and quite often these days you can cancel your accommodation and get most of your money back, so his weekend away will have to wait, won't it.
He's 29, he knows exactly what he's doing

You know what the right way is going forwards OP. At least you've realised when you are only a couple of thousand pounds in rather than £20k or £30k......

It's absolutely time he stands on his own two feet and cuts his cloth accordingly - necessities first and save up for treats and for a buffer against unexpected expenses.

I'm glad you've got the support of your Mum and your DD who are both talking sense.

And yes, if you could gift your DD the same amount that would be a lovely gesture to her and maintain that complete fairness between the two of them which is so important.

Stay strong OP, this is the right way from here on, as someone up thread said "turn that cash tap off right now!" 💐

I’m helping my son out at the moment with his house. Im paying out a lot and I’ve given a lot of practical help. I have told him
this is likely to be the last time but I would help him in the future in an emergency.
He has said he never expects anything else and thank you for what I have done. So just because I’ve helped him doesn’t mean I will always help him as I need to help myself now. Everyone has their limit. It’s more than reasonable that you have reached yours. I would let him find the £600 himself or with the help of the girlfriend. They may as well go on the weekend away now with the tickets but they need to think again before booking things when they don’t have a buffer of money for when things go wrong.

Btw I learned this lesson the hard way.

My siblings and I paid the mortgage of another sibling for a significant period of time, sometimes at significant hardship to ourselves, as we didn’t want them to lose their home.

We then noticed that they went on various trips and outings to restaurants. On balance, although it seemed strange in the circumstances, we thought they deserved a break from their hardships.

They then, a couple of years later, sold their property, and as they lived in a more expensive area than all of us, benefited hugely from the house sale. This would have been the point at which they paid us back, or paid us back in part, or simply offered to pay something. But they didn’t.

Tell him when you've given your daughter £2,700 you can discuss this again!

I would tell him that if I treated him like a stranger he would have to pay back all the loans he has had!
don’t give it to him. I would give it to my dd to even up the disparity and tell your son the bank of mum is closed. He will never grow up and take control if you are his default.

YABU for giving your son thousands of pounds of money a year, and nothing for your daughter. I don't really see how 'their circumstances are different,' - she is also in a very low paid job, and they both share a home with someone. If anything she would need more support, as she's both younger and it would be

Sounds like the only difference in their circumstances is she is responsible and he isn't. I'd be focussing on yourself from now, and if you have got anything left over, give her the difference for the next few years until you've paid her the thousands you've given him.

Sounds like he's already shown his true colours - I can imagine if you ever needed help when you're older it will be your poor dd stepping in, while he pretends he's busy with the kids or whatever (while actually leaving his future wife/partner to do all the work). Try it now - say your car has broken down and you need money to fix it, or a lift to a hospital appointment. 100% it will be dd who helps.

You just need to tell him this. Say you love him and thats why when hes come to you youve helped him but say your savings are running low, you dont work full time, you have a mortgage and things you need to pay out yourself that youve been putting off. You haven't got a bottomless pit of money but if you had youd give it to him. So you are happy to lend him in but need paying back before you can lend again. Hes trying to guilt trip you and its working but hes being unfair to you x

not so sure about that, she says it's been £2700 just this year and he's asked for another £600 before the year is out. It might be the straw that broke the camel's back, and he hasn't had as much before, but if she has been helping him out for 13 years (left school at 16 and is 19 now), it could absolutely be in the tens of thousands.