I’ve been helping my son out financially but I think I’ve made things worse

[Tentenet]

My son is 29 and I’ve always helped him when he’s been stuck but lately its getting to the point where I’m worrying about money myself and I don’t know how to handle it without causing a massive falling out.

He’s working full time as a delivery driver and lives with his girlfriend in a rented flat. They’ve been together about 3 years. Neither of them earn a fortune but they’re not out of work and I know they’re struggling with the cost of everything like everyone else.

Over the last year I’ve probably given him about £2700. It started off with things like his car needing repairs and him being short for rent one month when his wages were messed up. I didn’t mind helping, he’s my son and I had the money at the time. Some of it was meant to be paid back and some I just gave him but if I’m honest I’ve lost track of which was which now.

He’s asked me for another £600 because there’s something wrong with his car and he says he can’t keep getting to work without sorting it. I do understand that, he needs his car for his job and if he can’t work he’s going to be in an even worse position.

The thing is I found out last week that him and his girlfriend had booked a weekend away and bought concert tickets. I wasn’t snooping, he was telling me about it and it came up in conversation. Apparently they’d booked it before the car problem and the money for the weekend was already paid so he doesn’t see what one has to do with the other.

I can see his point to a degree but I also think if you’re having to ask your mum for money every few weeks then maybe you shouldn’t be booking weekends away and concerts. I said something along those lines and he got quite defensive and said he wasn’t going to spend his whole life sitting in the flat because he couldn’t afford to do anything.

I do get that as well. I’m not saying they shouldn’t have a life but I don’t understand how I’m supposed to keep finding money when things go wrong.

I’m 56 and work 30 hours a week. I’m not badly off but I’m certainly not rolling in it. I’ve still got a mortgage and my car is getting on a bit now. I’ve been putting off getting a few things done around the house because I don’t want to spend the money, and then I feel a bit daft when I realise I’ve sent him a few hundred quid again.

I have a daughter who’s 24 and she manages her own money. She rents with a friend and works as a teaching assistant. She doesn’t earn loads either but she budgets and if she can’t afford something she just doesn’t have it. She’s never really asked me for money apart from the odd tenner when she was younger.

I don’t want to compare them because their circumstances are different and I know my son has had a harder time getting himself sorted. He left school at 16 and has never really found a job that pays particularly well, although he has always worked. He’s not sitting about doing nothing and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m saying he is.

But I do sometimes wonder if I’ve made it too easy for him to come to me whenever he’s short. If I keep helping then he never really has to work out how to manage when something unexpected happens. On the other hand, things are genuinely expensive and I don’t want him getting into debt or losing his job because I’ve decided to make a point.

When I said I couldn’t just give him £600 without talking about how he was going to manage things going forward, he said he couldn’t believe I was treating him like a stranger. He said I’ve always helped him before and now I’m making him feel like he can’t come to his own mum when he’s in trouble.

That upset me more than I expected. I told him I wasn’t saying I’d never help him again, but I can’t keep handing over money without knowing whether it’s actually a loan or whether I’m just giving it to him. He said he didn’t realise I was keeping score and that he’d sort it out himself and wouldn’t ask me for anything again.

I haven’t sent him the money but now I’m feeling guilty. I don’t want him thinking he can’t come to me, but I’m also starting to resent being asked and I don’t like feeling that way about my own child.

My mum thinks I’m being daft and should stop giving him anything. She’s 79 and has always been very strict about money. She thinks if he’s old enough to live with his girlfriend he’s old enough to pay his own bills. My daughter has said something similar but was more tactful about it.

I don’t know if I’m being unfair because I can afford to help sometimes, just not all the time, or if I’m actually making things worse by doing it.

Would you give him the £600 for the car and then make it clear that you can’t keep doing this, or would you stop now? And if you did stop, how would you explain it without making your child feel like you’ve abandoned them?

i have 4 dks, moved, downsized.just given my notice in (Surrey hospital ft nights) was going to work PT days locally. DH company liquidated on the spot. carer for youngest ds.I revoked my notice, worked extra hours, but none of my dks actually asked for help. That son ran out of food. He was too proud to try and get help with a food bank. Occasionally in the last few years, they asked for money and have paid it straight back. Now on a pension. I have a friend, around 70, poor health,her s got thrown out by his wife. DV, she took him in,he made her life hell, attached her as well. He had savings,then quite a lot of money from the sale of the matrimonial home, which he blew. she threw him out,he sneaked back in,in the middle of the night.I kept telling HER, she was blind "her little boy",he's in his 40s. Please don't be that doormat

This gives some good advice. https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/lending-money-to-friends-family/
There was a recent podcast on BBC sounds as well.

Great reply. And mention that it might look to him like you have lots of spare money, but that's not the case. That there are plenty of things you need to spend money on (house maintenance/repairs, save money for car repairs etc) that you can't do if you're constantly bailing him out.

Of course he is being ridiculous spending money on stuff when he is using you as his emergency ATM.

When is he going to grow up?

Just say no.

He'll have to manage.

No OP. You've done your bit.

He is lashing out, as he is (subconsciously or not) trying to manipulate you into giving him the money.

Some people have a tenner in their pocket and think they have a tenner to spend, just because they don't have anything to pay for in that moment. But when the next "unexpected" thing happens they have nothing put aside.

Until they feel the pinch they won't ever change their attitude.

I lent a family member £8K for a car as every time they had something saved up their old car needed a costly repair and it was a vicious cycle. Repayments are low and over a long time period, but that extra cash in their pockets is going on holidays and frivolities. Not much is being saved to create an emergency fund for the next car/issue (which was the whole point of the long loan).

Then they complain they can't afford X, Y or Z because cost of living has gone up. But actually it is because they don't prioritise saving for the unknown.

And to top it off, you get the complete ingratitude, where they start to resent you for wanting the money paid back. Like they are doing me a favour every time they make a repayment.

I have learnt my lesson - I won't lend money so easily next time. On the whole it doesn't help people.

I think one is issue is he has gotten used to you being there for financial help, and in the long run this has stopped him finding solutions himself.

He comes across very badly in your post as an entitled lad but I feel a little sorry that he has got into this situation.

In your shoes I would offer to lend him the £600. That way he can get his vehicle sorted and pay you back when he is ready to. Apart from that, no more hand outs.

He needs to learn to prioritise. Until he has amassed savings that mean he doesn’t have to come to you to bale him out each time he hits a problem, then he can’t afford weekends away and concert tickets.

This behaviour isn’t acceptable from a man of almost thirty who lives in a two-income household. I’d speak to him firmly but fairly and say that as an adult it’s time he learns to manage his budget and builds an emergency fund for these situations. He also ought to be paying you back the money he has previously borrowed. Explain that you aren’t flush with cash yourself and can’t afford to keep bailing him out. Have they also been asking his girlfriend’s parents for money? Also mention that your DD hasn’t had any money from you and the situation will breed reasonable resentment from her if it continues.
If you are feeling very generous you could say that you’ll write off the prior loans as a gift on the condition that he does not ask for any more money from you. If you need that money back you’d also be within your rights to tell him to set up a direct debit and pay you back monthly. Certainly do not give him any more money, he needs to pull himself together a bit. Offer him financial advice instead!

What a rude entitled brat he is.

He has really taken advantage of you

His behaviour is entitled, immature and disrespectful. Don’t give the £600 or any more money. And don’t feel guilty. He’s had almost £3,000 already with little or no effort to repay you.

At 29 he needs to behave like an adult and not a teenager. The comments he’s made show you how deluded and entitled he is. If you don’t stop now he will keep taking and taking. It’s also very unfair on your DD.

Let him sort it himself. Perhaps he gets an overdraft or a credit card. It’s become clear he has no savings and if he has money they spend it on something fun. He should be able to put a bit aside for emergencies rather than running to you.

just stop giving him money. Your daughter, while she doesn’t say it, will likely resent the fact that he gets bailed out all the time. Don’t let it drive a wedge between them and you.

I get that he's probably a bit stressed about the money, but the way he spoke to you was pretty awful, OP. Has there always been a bit of friction between you unless you're doing him a favour in some way? I'm wondering if giving him things he wants has become a form of, in effect, buying a good relationship with him. I know you will have been thinking about it as just wanting your son to have a better a life, but this has presumably been going on for a decade or so and his complete lack of gratitude is a bit shocking.

Nope I wouldn't because it's never going to stop if you do.

My brother is exactly the same except he's now had about 60k over the years (he's 44 and still asks for money from my mum!)
My mum has only in the last 2 years woken up to it. She made her will by percentages as a result told him and he went mental at her.
I've been financially independent since I was 18 - left for uni never went back and muddled my way through.

He needs to learn to live within his means and budget but also potentially manage a small amount of debt etc. Do not be emotionally blackmailed by him.

Tell him your car needs repairs and can he help you out with £490.

He's never going to save for repairs etc if he knows you'll give him money. At the moment he and his gf are playing house.

Of course he doesn't want to stay in all the time. So he has to budget how he can afford trips.

Just based on the way he spoke to you I wouldn't give him anymore money.

I try to soften the edges of life for my two but I'd be cross if they didn't cover their own essentials.

He has to start saving when he has extra money instead of spending it on having a good time, then if he needs something he will have something to fall back on. He must know that if he's driving an old unreliable car (by the sound of it) it will need repairs.

I agree it's a dilemma you don't want him taking out an expensive loan and getting into debt, but he needs to understand you are not a bottomless pit of money. It sounds like you have tried to discuss it rationally but he just thinks you are being mean, he obviously doesn't realise you are also finding it difficult to manage. Perhaps you need to explain that to him, that you have things you want and need to do, but can't afford to.

"When I said I couldn’t just give him £600 without talking about how he was going to manage things going forward, he said he couldn’t believe I was treating him like a stranger. He said I’ve always helped him before and now I’m making him feel like he can’t come to his own mum when he’s in trouble."

What a manipulative little shit! He's trying to guilt-trip you into helping him out of his own mess. Let him sort it out himself and remind him at least he has his trip to look forward to. Also tell him about the benefits of having a rainy day fund.

You are enabling him. Don’t give him more money. The two together might earn more than you, and splitting bills, paying less than you do, so your son shouldn’t be coming to get money from you.

He is not budgeting because there’s no need for it if mum bails him out all the time.

He didn’t know you were keeping a “score”? That’s your answer, he is treating you like a money cow.

You aren't paying for his car though, you are funding 2 adults lifestyle, they are booking concerts and weekends away with what should be their "emergency pot", if they can't afford to go to concerts without being down to £0, well you simply can't afford it as sad as that is. They are adults, they need to look for ways to increase their income if they can't afford the lifestyle they want, they shouldn't be coming to you to fund their lifestyle.

He doesn’t have to stay in all of the time, he just needs to find things to do that are within his budget and he needs to save for things breaking. Like grown ups do!

He didn’t know you were keeping a “score”? That’s your answer, he is treating you like a money cow.

"Oh mum, you're not supposed to have realised how much you've been subbing me over the years."

It's not fair to give him money and not your daughter.
Tell him to sit in the house until he has the 600 he needs.
After that he needs to keep sitting in the house until he as another new hundred saved for emergencies

Your mum has the right idea.
He's 29 FGS.
I hate to say this as he's your son but he is taking advantage of your kindness and needs to be taught a salutory lesson.
He has TWO wages coming into his home and can't manage but your daughter is effectively managing well on only one wage
This must tell you something about his lifestyle that he is not telling you.

I'm a bit torn on this. I am also 56, and my son is also 29. He has never asked me for a penny, however, I recently paid £900 for a medical assessment he needed, and I also gave him £7600 towards a house deposit, and also tied up £16,000 for 5 years on a "helper" style mortgage (I get that back with interest in 5 years). So, in theory I have given him more money, however, there is no drip drip drip effect, which I think I would find stressful. Could you keep a note and then knock it off any inheritance?