I’ve been helping my son out financially but I think I’ve made things worse

[Tentenet]

My son is 29 and I’ve always helped him when he’s been stuck but lately its getting to the point where I’m worrying about money myself and I don’t know how to handle it without causing a massive falling out.

He’s working full time as a delivery driver and lives with his girlfriend in a rented flat. They’ve been together about 3 years. Neither of them earn a fortune but they’re not out of work and I know they’re struggling with the cost of everything like everyone else.

Over the last year I’ve probably given him about £2700. It started off with things like his car needing repairs and him being short for rent one month when his wages were messed up. I didn’t mind helping, he’s my son and I had the money at the time. Some of it was meant to be paid back and some I just gave him but if I’m honest I’ve lost track of which was which now.

He’s asked me for another £600 because there’s something wrong with his car and he says he can’t keep getting to work without sorting it. I do understand that, he needs his car for his job and if he can’t work he’s going to be in an even worse position.

The thing is I found out last week that him and his girlfriend had booked a weekend away and bought concert tickets. I wasn’t snooping, he was telling me about it and it came up in conversation. Apparently they’d booked it before the car problem and the money for the weekend was already paid so he doesn’t see what one has to do with the other.

I can see his point to a degree but I also think if you’re having to ask your mum for money every few weeks then maybe you shouldn’t be booking weekends away and concerts. I said something along those lines and he got quite defensive and said he wasn’t going to spend his whole life sitting in the flat because he couldn’t afford to do anything.

I do get that as well. I’m not saying they shouldn’t have a life but I don’t understand how I’m supposed to keep finding money when things go wrong.

I’m 56 and work 30 hours a week. I’m not badly off but I’m certainly not rolling in it. I’ve still got a mortgage and my car is getting on a bit now. I’ve been putting off getting a few things done around the house because I don’t want to spend the money, and then I feel a bit daft when I realise I’ve sent him a few hundred quid again.

I have a daughter who’s 24 and she manages her own money. She rents with a friend and works as a teaching assistant. She doesn’t earn loads either but she budgets and if she can’t afford something she just doesn’t have it. She’s never really asked me for money apart from the odd tenner when she was younger.

I don’t want to compare them because their circumstances are different and I know my son has had a harder time getting himself sorted. He left school at 16 and has never really found a job that pays particularly well, although he has always worked. He’s not sitting about doing nothing and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m saying he is.

But I do sometimes wonder if I’ve made it too easy for him to come to me whenever he’s short. If I keep helping then he never really has to work out how to manage when something unexpected happens. On the other hand, things are genuinely expensive and I don’t want him getting into debt or losing his job because I’ve decided to make a point.

When I said I couldn’t just give him £600 without talking about how he was going to manage things going forward, he said he couldn’t believe I was treating him like a stranger. He said I’ve always helped him before and now I’m making him feel like he can’t come to his own mum when he’s in trouble.

That upset me more than I expected. I told him I wasn’t saying I’d never help him again, but I can’t keep handing over money without knowing whether it’s actually a loan or whether I’m just giving it to him. He said he didn’t realise I was keeping score and that he’d sort it out himself and wouldn’t ask me for anything again.

I haven’t sent him the money but now I’m feeling guilty. I don’t want him thinking he can’t come to me, but I’m also starting to resent being asked and I don’t like feeling that way about my own child.

My mum thinks I’m being daft and should stop giving him anything. She’s 79 and has always been very strict about money. She thinks if he’s old enough to live with his girlfriend he’s old enough to pay his own bills. My daughter has said something similar but was more tactful about it.

I don’t know if I’m being unfair because I can afford to help sometimes, just not all the time, or if I’m actually making things worse by doing it.

Would you give him the £600 for the car and then make it clear that you can’t keep doing this, or would you stop now? And if you did stop, how would you explain it without making your child feel like you’ve abandoned them?

Well if you are poor, you would not spend money on concert tickets - that money would be saved for an emergency.

Unless you are someone who has become reliant on mum such as the posters son.

I do need a car; my mornings are an absolute nightmare getting daughter to school, then my younger one to a different nursery, myself to work which sometimes involves work placements in different areas due to training.

Honestly, my post might appear harsh to some like you, but being reliant on others is not a good idea as learning to save and budget are life skills that one can't learn overnight. Her son needs to learn to prioritise his money spending.

However, if the OP is wealthy and can support her son then my advice would be so different.

Clearly the OP is not wealthy as she has withheld from doing certain things for herself and her house, not to mention a mortgage she needs to pay.

He’s taking you for a mug OP

His responses told me everything I needed to know. If my parent had said what you had I would have said 'oh I'm really sorry I didn't realise it was making you short, I'll sort it myself. Thanks mum' His responses were childish and spiteful. It sounds like you have helped him out a lot over the years and he has come to expect it. I bet your daughter notices the difference as well. He's ungrateful and selfish. He should be saving a bit every month for emergencies like that.

He sounds exactly like my husbands adult kids. They don’t mind spending their money on the fun stuff, but things like garage bills and household repairs are boring and they don’t like to think they have to spend their money on them so always come with hands out to their dad.
You have to be “cruel” to be kind here. He needs to feel a bit of pain to realise he has to budget better and live within his means, and that includes saving a small amount for exactly these kind of eventualities. That’s real life.
He’ll never learn to stand on his own two feet if you scoop him out of the poo every time.

Also I feel for your daughter. It’s really not fair on her.

He’s taking advantage of you. And his first reaction to you saying you couldn’t help this time should have been understanding and gratitude for all the times you have!! NOT guilt tripping you. Ungrateful!

Absolutely do not give him the money and keep quiet on him until he realises how he spoke to you was unfair and manipulative. There are always options for a bit more income and / or a bit less spending and he and his girlfriend need to be adults and work out a plan and budget that works for them, your handouts absolutely are making things worse. It is also grossly unfair on your daughter whose salary will also be quite low based on her job, I would focus on your financial needs but also consider doing something nice with her at your expense to show that there isn’t any one_sidedness there (not necessarily of same amount as you spent on him, just to make the point)

Young people often, not all, but many seem to think that they deserve a holiday rather than saving that money for a buffer in case of emergency car repairs...they often struggle to prioritise. I am still teaching my 19yo about this stuff.

I wish schools did money management.

He feels entitled to your money. It's definitely time for a change.

No. You've been incredibly generous. Tell him you can't afford to help anymore ( you can't!) and that he can put the £600 on an interest free credit card and pay it back slowly. I did this with any big unexpected expenses when I was a single parent - generally got a year to repay the money. What a cheek!

He’s 29. Hardly a young person.

And that's what makes this situation even worse. He isn't just a teenager figuring it all out. He's an adult and struggling to prioritise.

I know as an adult I go without luxuries like gig tickets or new jewellery if my car breaks down. Car has to come first. Always. Like many others we learned how to manage money and do it well. Many young adults are not getting help to work these things out during their education. They just expect to have it all. Not every young person thinks in this way. Many are brilliant with money.

Hes entitled. He isnt coming to you for help, hes coming for a handout.

I think its reasonable to say to him - i helped because I could and I thought you needed it. But the fact you never paid it back means I dont have more to keep shelling out. And im not going without, to help you when you do well enough to afford these trips and concerts. I love you and I resent the guilt trip, youre an adult and im not a credit line

My dsis has been financially reckless all her adult life dm has bailed her out numerous times tens of thousands of £ as have I none of it ever paid back. Just overspending running up debts knowing someone will pay it off I am your dd in the situation never had a penny as learnt to live within my means

fast forward to 3 years ago dm is now elderly easily confused and wasn’t getting her bank statements in the post I took her to get them and she advised me dsis had been transferring money to herself that dm didn’t know about to the tune of £10k in 6 months via the banking app she had downloaded on her own phone and turned off postal statements. I spoke with both dsis and dm and also refused to go along with dsis idea of doing an equity release on dm house to get some inheritance early.

dsis then blocked me had dm remove me as joint poa I presume had her change her will and has made it incredibly difficult to see dm. I know she did the equity release as i looked on the land registry. Opg ss and police briefly involved but all cases closed Dm moved into a care home and her house was being rented out. All of which I’ve only found out from neighbours not dsis

now dsis has had to sell her own house as she had an interest only mortgage that she couldn’t pay as she was expecting dm to have died and has moved into DMs. Going off the picture on right move she had done an awful lot of work on her house with the equity release money opg have contacted me they have suspended her as poa and applied to court of protection to revoke poa appoint a council deputy to investigate and restore the estate. Yet she is still renovating dm house to her liking despite this ongoing

I am not suggesting your ds will do any of this but I can’t help but wonder if dsis had learnt the consequences of her actions rather than being bailed out all the time would things have turned out differently.

Are you sure there is a problem with ds car. My dsis was a very convincing liar when trying to manipulate money out of people I’ve never known anyone have as many problems with wages or expenses going in. There was one occasion me and dm paid the same vet bill for her cat to be pts dm paid the vet directly I paid it to dsis account to pay the vet which i presume she then used for her holiday spending money the next day

Blimey - I feel for you, what an awful deceitful person -clearly has no moral compass at all -

My son was like this for years. I bailed him out so many times and for a couple of years I paid his rent every month.
By the time he was 45 I had had enough. I told him it was time to stand on his own two feet . He moved away , got himself diagnosed with ADHD and commenced on medication. He also met his wonderful partner he sorted his finances out . He still visits me and still loves me too .

I had a similar BIL. He looted the PIL's place for anything of value when they went on holiday (MIL's jewellery) & then when FIL went into a nursing home. TG we changed the locks 'for renovations' otherwise he would have moved in and we would have had even more of an issue. Cleaning up PIL's place uncovered how much $$ he'd received. Moved on from fleecing/coercing/stealing from his parents to my DH after their deaths. And I blame them, because they continued to give him money, didn't work out a trust for his inheritance which he ran through in months ( a boat! a car! expensive scotch!) and left the mess for DH. DH STILL gave him $ for years when BIL came up with a good enough story, despite the absolute disrespect. He'd ask nicely, then increase the pressure, and then become nasty. Every time.

We are just cleaning up after BIL's death and discovering more evidence of his conniving and many family items we didn't even know he'd taken. I feel for my DH but both feel a huge weight has been lifted.

eta: OP, stop now. No more money. It's the only way to make him grow up and learn financial responsibility. Continuing as is isn't fair to you or your daughter, and will damage your relationship with both.

He needs to start learning to save for contingencies, like most other grown-ups.

Some people genuinely don't have enough income to set anything aside, but if he can manage concerts and weekends away, then he can manage some regular savings.

I would bend over backwards to help my dd in whatever way I could, even if that meant going without myself. However, I would not enable her to make poor decisions or develop bad habits. In this scenario, you would not be doing right by your son to carry on treating him like a helpless child. You will not be in a position to subsidise him forever, and he needs to start learning to behave like an adult.

He is old enough to pay his own bills and they should be sensible enough to have a savings fund for unexpected things like car repairs.

I have adult kids and whilst I’d help them out in an emergency it sounds like he’s been relying on you for too long.

If you have the money for the car repairs I’d probably agree to lend it to him on condition he pays it back over a few months, and make it clear you won’t be handing over money in the future.

“He said … that he’d sort it out himself and wouldn’t ask me for anything again.”

There’s your answer, then. I don’t think you need to take any further action, and if he comes back to you, you should quote this to him.

He said some really unpleasant things and you must be very upset. It’s obvious that he’s taking you completely for granted and now feels entitled to handouts whenever he demands them. There’s a strong element of emotional blackmail here.

Your daughter may well be quite upset about it too, behind the scenes. We often see posts about siblings who are scrimping and saving while the spendthrift one gets constant bailouts.

I think your instinct is right: by constantly bailing him out, you’ve encouraged him to ignore the problem.

He and his girlfriend are used to asking you for money when they won't cut down and be careful with their own money.

You have to be very careful now about your own money - what if you lost your job? What if you became unable to work? You need to focus on getting rid of that mortgage and building up some savings - it's their responsibility to look after themselves. Hate to say it but I bet if you looked at their bank accounts you'd see casual payments for takeaways etc, where they're just wasting money they don't have.