I’ve been helping my son out financially but I think I’ve made things worse

[Tentenet]

My son is 29 and I’ve always helped him when he’s been stuck but lately its getting to the point where I’m worrying about money myself and I don’t know how to handle it without causing a massive falling out.

He’s working full time as a delivery driver and lives with his girlfriend in a rented flat. They’ve been together about 3 years. Neither of them earn a fortune but they’re not out of work and I know they’re struggling with the cost of everything like everyone else.

Over the last year I’ve probably given him about £2700. It started off with things like his car needing repairs and him being short for rent one month when his wages were messed up. I didn’t mind helping, he’s my son and I had the money at the time. Some of it was meant to be paid back and some I just gave him but if I’m honest I’ve lost track of which was which now.

He’s asked me for another £600 because there’s something wrong with his car and he says he can’t keep getting to work without sorting it. I do understand that, he needs his car for his job and if he can’t work he’s going to be in an even worse position.

The thing is I found out last week that him and his girlfriend had booked a weekend away and bought concert tickets. I wasn’t snooping, he was telling me about it and it came up in conversation. Apparently they’d booked it before the car problem and the money for the weekend was already paid so he doesn’t see what one has to do with the other.

I can see his point to a degree but I also think if you’re having to ask your mum for money every few weeks then maybe you shouldn’t be booking weekends away and concerts. I said something along those lines and he got quite defensive and said he wasn’t going to spend his whole life sitting in the flat because he couldn’t afford to do anything.

I do get that as well. I’m not saying they shouldn’t have a life but I don’t understand how I’m supposed to keep finding money when things go wrong.

I’m 56 and work 30 hours a week. I’m not badly off but I’m certainly not rolling in it. I’ve still got a mortgage and my car is getting on a bit now. I’ve been putting off getting a few things done around the house because I don’t want to spend the money, and then I feel a bit daft when I realise I’ve sent him a few hundred quid again.

I have a daughter who’s 24 and she manages her own money. She rents with a friend and works as a teaching assistant. She doesn’t earn loads either but she budgets and if she can’t afford something she just doesn’t have it. She’s never really asked me for money apart from the odd tenner when she was younger.

I don’t want to compare them because their circumstances are different and I know my son has had a harder time getting himself sorted. He left school at 16 and has never really found a job that pays particularly well, although he has always worked. He’s not sitting about doing nothing and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m saying he is.

But I do sometimes wonder if I’ve made it too easy for him to come to me whenever he’s short. If I keep helping then he never really has to work out how to manage when something unexpected happens. On the other hand, things are genuinely expensive and I don’t want him getting into debt or losing his job because I’ve decided to make a point.

When I said I couldn’t just give him £600 without talking about how he was going to manage things going forward, he said he couldn’t believe I was treating him like a stranger. He said I’ve always helped him before and now I’m making him feel like he can’t come to his own mum when he’s in trouble.

That upset me more than I expected. I told him I wasn’t saying I’d never help him again, but I can’t keep handing over money without knowing whether it’s actually a loan or whether I’m just giving it to him. He said he didn’t realise I was keeping score and that he’d sort it out himself and wouldn’t ask me for anything again.

I haven’t sent him the money but now I’m feeling guilty. I don’t want him thinking he can’t come to me, but I’m also starting to resent being asked and I don’t like feeling that way about my own child.

My mum thinks I’m being daft and should stop giving him anything. She’s 79 and has always been very strict about money. She thinks if he’s old enough to live with his girlfriend he’s old enough to pay his own bills. My daughter has said something similar but was more tactful about it.

I don’t know if I’m being unfair because I can afford to help sometimes, just not all the time, or if I’m actually making things worse by doing it.

Would you give him the £600 for the car and then make it clear that you can’t keep doing this, or would you stop now? And if you did stop, how would you explain it without making your child feel like you’ve abandoned them?

Concert tickets are expensive. He can sell them to pay for his car repair.

Don't give him anything.

He has options, and find somewhere cheaper to rent / career change et cetera.

What does your son do for you?

My friend's son is exactly like this, even uses the same arguments when she tries to say no. To date he's "borrowed" c£20k over the last 6 years.

@Tentenet When does he plan on repaying you the £2700?

@SonK He has options, and find somewhere cheaper to rent / career change et cetera.

I can see you haven't been job hunting in a long time. There are no jobs at the moment because the economy has gone to shit.

Perhaps of the recreational kind ?

My son has a tendency to be a bit like this too but the biggie for him wasa split up with his live in girlfriend - he got another friend in but his girlfriend used to help a lot with non house stuff - the car, holidays etc and he’s really felt that as lives in London. Part of the problem though was his girlfriend who although lovely ( I do miss her a lot) wanted to be going away ‘all’ the time - like every 6 or 8 weeks and my son ended up struggling to keep up with this, partly his fault though as he didn’t speak up - I wonder if your son OP has been upfront with hisGF about what they can/can’t afford - I wonder if she actually knows he’s constantly tapping you for money? Sometimes people hide stuff to keep life on an even keel - my son has been far more upfront with me since this all happened

I am a single mum of two, working, retraining and renting in London - I know exactly how tough it is. However, life is tough and sometimes we just need to adult rather than relying on parents.

I have stopped driving at the moment because the cost of having a car is too much for me at the moment - I can't afford it, but that is my problem to solve.

The Ops son has been booking concert tickets...

Your son is horribly ungrateful to you.

He needs to realise that things like car repair costs aren't just unexpected costs that come out of the blue; it is normal for a car to need repairs. He and his GF need to budget their income and include a monthly amount to allocate to savings for these "unexpected" costs. He needs to realise that the money he spent on the concert and weekend away was money he couldn't afford to spend.

Maybe help him see this by explaining that you do budget for house and car repairs. You've given him money from that pot in the past, but this has left you short and you can't keep putting off repairs costs indefinitely yourself. This might help him to appreciate that you are living on a budget too and the money you give to him results in negative consequences for you.

You’ve raised him to think handouts from mum are a normal part of life. He’s never learned to save in the good months for when the car or washing machine breaks down. You need to explain you can’t carry on this way and he needs to support himself from now on.

Going against the grain, I think if you are satisfied he is telling the truth about the car needing repairs, I would probably help him, so that he doesn't lose his job and start to spiral into debt.

But I would want to be sure that was what it was going on. Could you offer to pay the car bills directly rather than giving him the money. This will piss him off of course, but if he genuinely needs help with the car he will agree.

And I would probably say that going forwards, you will only help when it's a genuine emergency, and he does need to cut his cloth more. I assume you aren't off on lots of holidays and going to concerts all the time? So he can't expect to be on your money.

Could you support him to get better with finances - help him set up a savings account and pay in a certain amount of money a month to save for an annual holiday? And maybe encourage him to sell unwanted stuff on Vinted, or find a bit of a side hustle - bar work one evening a week or similar?

Delivery drivers are paid terribly and their working conditions are atrocious, so he has my every sympathy in that sense.

What an awful way for a man pushing 30 to live! Your poor daughter, sounds like she isn’t receiving equal handouts, perhaps because she is trying her very best to manage her budget. Meanwhile you are rewarding your son’s atrocious behaviour! So if you are going to feel any guilt, feel it for your daughter..

You and your son have a mature and sensible relationship. He's not continually asking for dubious handouts.
Well done Sir !!!!!

If he's asked for money, loan or gifted, he needs to be learning to save emergency pots for such instances! Definitely not booking weekends away and concerts!! I think you need to explain this to him/them and not lend or gift further. They need to learn to save and build up funds for emergencies and fun trips! You've been more than kind OP.

Sorry he is taking the piss out of you.

It is not fair on your daughter. She probably earns similar to him and she manages plus there are two of them!

Your son and gf should be saving money in an emergency fund for car repairs etc.

You have to say no not this time I need the money for myself.

I have AC. They have never asked me for money. They expect to sort their own lives out.

My comment was from experience too. One sibling had regular financial help because they couldn't afford rent but managed to party in their twenties. It's still happening in their 40s only now the help is childcare because they can't afford it despite being able to afford plenty the other sibling can't. Totally bonkers behaviour from the parents enabling it.

I think you've handled this very well OP in realising there was perhaps an unhealthy pattern and drawing a line

His reaction has proved that this was enabling him

Hold the line and well done for realising something needed to shift.

I regularly lend my adult children and grandchildren money for emergencies, but always make out a written monthly payment plan for them to adhere to, which they generally do and if they are genuinely stuck I arrange for them to have a "payment holiday" for one month. This saves them taking out payday loans at massive interest rates, or going into the red and paying high overdraft fees. I have also managed to persuade most but not all of them to avoid taking out credit cards. This seems to work and they do all appreciate it and my retirement savings remain roughly the same. The banks are at fault for targeting young people with offers of loans and credit cards as soon as they are 18 and open a bank account, and there are tv adverts on every night offering instant loans at a million per cent interest. We need to teach our young people they are being scammed by their own banks too by accepting all their cards and loan offers.

Some garages operate a payment assist scheme where you can pay your bill in monthly interest free installments. Why can’t he do this to pay his own bill?

This

You are his cashcow pure and simple. It has now become a take for granted situation.

If it even IS for the car!!

@SonK However, life is tough and sometimes we just need to adult rather than relying on parents.

"Just adult bro."
"If you're poor, just change your job and make more money bro."
"If you're ill, just get better bro."

I have stopped driving at the moment because the cost of having a car is too much for me at the moment - I can't afford it, but that is my problem to solve.

All well and good if you don't need a car. Most people would choose not to have a car if it wasn't needed.

Though getting rid of your car obviously isn't a choice for many people who need it to go to work.

Two can live cheaper than one.
Out of interest, does your daughter live alone and manage her own finances on a teaching assistants wage? If so you are being unfair.